Margm

I write and then delete. Not sure I submitted this one, but it is gone now. I have lots of empty words filling up my head.

Well, my daughter has flaws. She was born of me, she has to have them. Her partner is a transgender that thinks she is a man. Honestly, in cases like that I do not believe people can help themselves, I really believe it is born into them. I cannot talk politics with any intelligence as all my life I have ridden the fence and never made enough money to be classified high, low,, or even middle. Besides, who would trust anyone who voted for Nixon? And my favorite politician spent many years in a Louisiana prison. He was our governor for many years and to me, was the best. I feel so deep for your daughter. All we can do is fight for them and never give up.. I have been in drug houses before and brought my son out with people laying all around saying "hey man"" and brought him home. A mother never gives up until she breathes her last. TMI, TMI, TMI. But that is me. But, I will say to all of you that have grown adult children, some of your children grandparents themselves, we never give up. So many have lost children, small children, grown children, and just like the grief meetings that I could not attend, because of lost children, and to me (and this is just my opinion), they are my children until I am gone. I may be wrong. I may be a person that causes more problems than I take care of, but I am me.

I doubled one post.

Kay, my granddaughter will not watch the news. She is totally paranoid about the president. Thinks North Korea is gonna pop us. And the president, makes her very angry and frightened. As does he make me. But, I am sure some of my friends, some of the older people love this man because he is going to "make America great again." I don't know if any of you all saw the movie "The Help." Well, that is how it used to be. Sorry, but I lived through it. Lots I saw that was unfair, and even back then I thought it unfair. My friends grew from that generation, Billy came from that generation. I don't want to "go back" to that time and place, but I am afraid some folks from my generation do want to go back. And, my Billy would agree with them. Kay, I know you worry about your daughter. Mine is with us and so far so good. I hope you hear from your daughter soon. My granddaughter cannot understand how I can "forgive" and have my daughter here, but she is my daughter.

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” ― Socrates I actually thought this was accredited to Plato. My sister studied all of the Greek philosophers, or whatever they were called. They were boring then and are boring today. What would they have done with "rap?" Everything has changed since then, but some things stay the same. I tease about my Thanksgiving dishes being still in the sink. Someone asked me yesterday didn't I have a dishwasher. Why yes, I do. I just do not like to wash them to put them in a dishwasher that I am going to have to take them out of after washing them. Seems easier to wash once and put up. But, I never wrote "Hints from Heloise" nor was I as smart as Erma Bombeck. Girls, guys, we got this. No rules, in our own time. Personally, I use a lot of paper plates, plastic glasses, and plastic "silverware" My family is so lazy that once my son (who prefers paper plates) complained because the stiff regular plates could not be used to fold over to get the juice on his cornbread.

When I first moved to Arkansas 20 years ago, we had snow at least once a year, more usually, and sometimes ice under it. I was a flatlander going into hills, rocks, crystal rocks that will cut a person, totally uneven ground. I was afraid of breaking my hip, knees, head, and the worse I have done is miss a step and the full weight of my big behind fell on my foot turned. X-rayed and possibly something displaced, but other than the pain (and I cannot take pain killers), (I'd probably have fell again), I turned out okay for an old gal. And besides, that was back in Louisiana. Too much reminiscing today. My granddad has been gone 62 years and you know, we had 62 Christmases without him. We missed him. But somehow this is different. There is just a day, supposed to be the birthday of Jesus, and I can see celebrating that, we had presents, but my favorite was the enlarged picture that I put the frame in front of Billy's urn. Now when I look at it we are together, close together, and both laughing. Not the real thing, but better than it was. Even a two toothpick width would have been better than nothing. (That meant nothing at all). It was better anyhow, at least instead of his urn, I am there with him.

I never expected to feel this way, and like I say Billy never believed in the supernatural at all. He has been gone 26 months now, but sometimes I feel his presence for just an unmeasured moment and I know that it is just remembering he was with me every day for 54 years and it is only natural to feel he is close. Even knowing he is gone, it does not stop that from happening. I realize it is just feeling he was there. Sometimes it is like I forget where I am and am back in the house, for a moment I forget. But, he was never in this apartment. No weird feelings, just a natural feeling that he is near. I cannot see him. I'm not that "far gone" that I would even say a word. (Although I talk to him often. He does not answer.) My daughter brought a picture of the both of us laughing, a close up. She had it made to a bigger picture. I set it in front of his urn. I accept the moment of nearness and know it is not psychic........maybe psycho, I would not doubt that, but I would not give it up either. I still say my prayers before I start reading. I talk to Billy and Jesus and not necessarily in that order. Probably both at once. I think they understand.

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you are at home". Carol Nelson.

I have that jacket hanging in my closet mixed with my clothes. Billy was the type if he found clothes that were comfortable he would wear them till the knees had holes in them, the rear end was torn, or some other disaster. Sometimes he wore them anyway. One time he wore a Tee-shirt (often) that advertised a gay and lesbian bar). He had a sense of humor that sometimes was inappropriate, sometimes I had to explain. The accountant's name was Mr. Goober. Billy wanted to know if we called him "Goober" and he politely told us, no, it was pronounced "Gober". One time a part didn't work he had bought at True Value and he came in and loudly said he wanted to talk to the man that had sold him this defective piece of crap. I knew he was teasing but the salesman slipping out the back door did not. At holidays, especially his holidays, he expected presents. Our kids had no money and I jumped on him for it and he apologized to them but I took away the fun part of my kids holidays. So, I admitted to being wrong and he enjoyed getting gifts and to ignore anything I said. In going through all of Billy's stuff I found boxes of things he never used. But opening that package, slowly savoring the wrapping, (he never ripped into it), he slowly enjoyed the whole part of gift My daughter is correct, I don't care to get Christmas presents. I am Scrooge and I ruin it for other people. My grandmother was like that. The only thing I did wrong for my Mammaw was one year I switched up her powdered talcum perfumed powder and perfume, I changed it to another kind. She let me know she liked the kind I got her every year. My country grandmother never knew who gave her what. It went into the big dresser drawers so she could use them the next year to give back to everyone, hence it saved her money, and she did not listen to the sisters saying "I gave her this gift last year." So far, 1-1/2 Xanax's and I have made it two hours. God Bless you Merry Gentlemen and Women.

I have to make myself go to the SS place to cancel what is left of our joint checking. I did the big part a couple of years ago, put our retirement into a credit union where I live, but I hang onto that little SS checking account because his name is on it. I will never change our Kindle account. He used it more than I did for a very long time. Oh, and all gifts are signed "Daddy and Mama" or Billy and Marg" because it was his money first. I will never forget buying my first item with that first check. It was a purse I needed, but I cried because I was using his money too. He would not have cared if I bought 50 of them, but our thrift shop in our little town had such a big amount to choose from for 50 cents to one dollar. I just didn't care about purses, but this one has a place for the personal items the hospital gave me, his socks, etc. And that is where I keep them.

You know we both have tried to understand it. I am afraid that Billy and I did not teach our little birds how to fly. The boy goes through holiday depression, he is a rapid cycle bipolar and sometimes the moods last longer than others. My daughter has let prescribed drugs, going from one shrink to another in different towns, different states, she will not like the diagnosis and find another. In the meantime, the dangerous psychotropic drugs did their damage. She has diabetes now because of one of the drugs and violence has been a part of all this. But, she is 50 now. What do I do? This will be two Christmases she has missed because of her "hatred" of me at this time. You don't ever tell her "no" and I suppose at age 50, it is a hard pill to swallow,, and no pun intended. Billy, my son , no sister and my granddaughter say to ignore her. Sure hard to do. I wish your daughter would surprise you by calling. We do the best we can with what we have.

That is all we want Gin, for them to be happy. I put TMI in my notes. This is a grief forum and I sure wish I had Billy with me at all times, he was lots better than Xanax. But, he would get aggravated at me because I worried all the time. When he was dying he said "don't you think I see the worry in your eyes." I would not talk death, only miracles. We had had them before, we were going to again. I am only now getting some of my magical, mystical imaginations back and they are so tenuous all it takes is a word, a bad mood from my kids, worry about my sister, my granddaughter and that black dog that followed Churchill, he starts following me. I think he follows most of us on this forum. I think I was born to worry, that is my "calling" while I am alive.

Christmas and I thought it might be a good time to tackle a box. First card was "my most meaningful card" written on the envelope. I was not curious. I closed the box and somehow feel like I escaped something. I don't know what, but I'm not curious. Too much excitement today. Mental illness is hard on the family too. I don't want her to think she is not loved. But Scott tells the story of the beautiful snake. You pick the snake up and it bites you. You say, I just thought you were beautiful. He says "but I'm a snake." I'm so sad tonight. I guess grief is mixed in, but this emotion is sadness for my daughter. My genes gave her this illness, she did not ask for it.

I'm so sorry Karen. Hugs to you. Hope you and the boys are okay.

Mitch, you are one I've been missing. I know Brad is teaching and hiking. I hope all the rest of you can have as peaceful a time as you can. Surgery is not peaceful. Rehab is not peaceful. Doctor's visits a pain literally in my behind, shoveling 12 inches of snow is very hurtful. Lets see.......I'm trying to think of the rest of you. Karen, hope you have found a place, and you are with your boys. I know there are so many hurting, George, pile on those plates and slip them out to the car for you and your dad to not have to fix a few meals. Bill, I do not know where you are located. The one who relocated to Oklahoma, and those with long names, my mind is only 4-5 letters long, but my heart is with you even though my wax laden brain is not. Fixing to go to some musical about Barnam and Bailey, I think, "The Greatest Showman." My granddaughter keeps me up on ............lI don't know what to call it. Culture?????

I will regret that forever Cookie. I was angry at him, he woke me up, oh, I won't go back into that. Nothing I can do. I'm so sorry about yours and Gwen's tests/surgery, and I hope that Gin is doing okay. We have some people that we have not heard from in awhile, unless I missed them. I hope they are okay, as okay as any of us can be. My heart is with you.

No one on here goes down the same path. Everyone on here has terrible grief pain. We just have to tackle this problem, and it is a problem, it is a life problem, it is a death problem, sometimes a spiritual problem, but it is our living problem. I get help from other widows and widowers, the paths they follow. I also have roadblocks trying to follow some paths. When it all comes down to it, it is whatever path that gives you even one tiny slice of peace. It is going to bed at night and sleeping through the night, even if it takes medication, because we know the next day we have to face the same problems, and how we handle them that day might be different. Then one day you cannot handle the problem, so you cry, you sleep, or you try to put your mind some other place. No real answers, only our own pace, slow, fast, or standing still.

"The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart: The secret anniversaries of the heart." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It is not easy to get psychiatric service on Medicaid/Medicare in another state. Me and Xanax will think of something. Bipolar came from my side of family. Sometimes I share TMI.

No problem Ana. You had a life to look forward to. Believe it or not, Billy and I were fixing to implement the plans that we had made nearly 20 years before. We bought the new RV in March 2015. He was sick, I am sure, but you did not hear a peep out of him. We had a new hitch to keep the RV from swaying. It was heavy. He picked up that thing and hooked it up more than once like he was a 30 year old man. Billy's ego would not let him get old. My mind is brimming over with plans, with things we had done, with kids, grandkids, great grandkids. We lived a life only a few of you got to live, and I am so sorry that your plans were never fulfilled. I am at the point now in my grief that I can look back on the many things we did that were right and the many things we did that were wrong. On a scale, the right things far outweigh the wrong things and he was the most precious human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing inside and outside, good and bad, unforgiving and the forgiving. I could write all day. No he was not perfect............but he was perfect for me. My love life began when I was 15 during school assembly. I did not know Billy. I probably was not even dating, and I have put this on here before. I am so sorry you all did not get to experience a long life with your love. I was a 15-year-old sophomore listening to Mary Collier, a senior sing from "The King and I" and she was dressed as an old woman singing to two young lovers and smiling. I cried my heart out through that whole song. I didn't know it, but nearly 60 years later that would be my song. So no, I do not look at young or old lovers with anything but worry. You all did not complete your love life. I was not ready to quit mine either, but I had no choice,, even though I tried. I saw an old man and woman holding hands coming out of the Christmas store at Walmart's today. They were so old and round and roly-poly, they were adorable. I did not even think about either losing the other. Don't cry young lovers, whatever you doDon't cry because I'm aloneAll of my memories are happy tonightI've had a love of my ownI've had a love of my own, like yoursI've had a love of my own

Ana, I was talking about my sister. I miss what I had for 54 years every minute of every day.

“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?" "Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor My sister never married. She was a beauty. She won beauty contests and would accept nothing less than an A in all of her degrees. I do not know how many she has, but she was a few hours short of her PhD when she started having to take care of our mom. She did it admirably. She had one man she almost married. But she didn't. She is more or less a hermit and that is the way of life she chooses. I told her about Norma, Selma, Brian, and all the other people who live around me. I have been here now since 2016. She told me "you already know more people than I did in any of the places that I ever lived." You all look at other couples and remember, and are haunted by the loss of our loved ones. She looks at other couples when she eats out alone and thanks God that she did not get into such a situation. Billy was always her "brother." We married when she was 10. We attended her basketball games (she was also exceptional in this). But, I begged her to get a companion, I didn't care if it was male or female. Mama was in the throes of Alzheimer's for at least 11 years, but honestly, we never were sure when it started. Myself, I think she suffered from postpartum depression from the time she was 29 years old. That was when her mind went downhill, or zig-zag, or completely off the road. We are close. I will do anything I can for her and vice versa. Maybe it is true you don't miss what you never had. I don't look at other couples in any other way than to think "Oh, I'm so sorry, but one of you will be hurting and I so hate that." But I think my age plays into this thought. So many of my friends have already lost their husbands or wives. Some remarried.

Ana, I went back and read the first note that I had written on this forum. I didn't know how to find it. Finally I did. That was this month that I read it. Just that one post. I have a tendency to bleed my feelings all over everything and even cold water won't remove them. I will say that it actually did not bother me. But, like you, I don't go back and read my notes (as anyone can tell), but if something bothers me, if I put too much information, and most times I do, I will delete as much of that information as I can. Things about my family, about Billy's family, I know he would not like me telling. I have done it, but I won't go back and find them. Sometimes I need a transfusion I bleed on here so much. Could not be more true.

In the grief group that I attended about three times, on this group, in the many books I have read about widows and widowers, I find they journal each day. I came across a journal I tried to keep the first week/month/days, reread what I wrote, and it ripped the built up scar tissue down to bare skin. What works for one person does not work for others. I can listen to music again. I could not do that the first year. I could listen to Broadway show music (Billy hated that kind of music), my granddaughter more than loves it, she has each word memorized. Now to the journal that I cannot keep. Well, "old Scrooge," what do you think you have been doing with your many "word salads?" Sometimes you have to be hit in the face with the truth before you can see the mountains you have climbed.

No Butch, you are extraordinary. And you have got to know that everyone on this forum thinks that the many times you have had to physically fight medically for your heart, as many pieces as it have been broken into, your stays in the hospital and yet you come out in a physical whole piece even though we all know what you really need is some peace. Butch, you are an exemplary fellow and we all admire you. It shows us all how to live...................because we have to.