Margm

Darrel, I have not finished reading your writing. I read the first few sentences and the horror of what I did fell on me like a brick, only worse. We did not have DNR's. Even after 43 years working as a medical transcriptionist, typing so many death notes, they were totally impersonal. They were not me. They were not "us." I was there alone with Billy when he passed. I won't go into our last minutes together, it still hurts and I still feel guilt. But, not as much guilt as what I saw happen next. Our kids were not there. A nurse said she felt a pulse. I heard this from out in the hall. I guess it is up to them, since there was not a DNR, to let me know they could try to revive him. The oncologist came and told me that there was no hope, but a pulse to a wife meant "hope." In my melted brain I knew his kids would want to tell him goodbye. Darrel, I let them do unspeakable things to his body that he would not have wanted. (I watched from the hall wanting to yell STOP!!!!) I cannot believe I let them take that little pulse and do so many "life saving" unspeakable things to his little body. I cannot believe it even as I write this. I have trained myself not to "see" the things that were done. My son would not have wanted me to do this. My daughter, the nurse, did want me to. You did not end her life. You gave her rest. You and the rest of us took on the pain that Billy told me he and the rest of the family would have felt if I had given up during the cancer treatments. I had my miracle. I lived. My melted, mush for a brain thought I could make him live. Instead, I can only hope and pray, pray so many times, I did not hurt him further. But I probably did. You gave her release. I wish I had done the same. Now, I will work the rest of the day to get this picture out of my mind.

Tom, I have Martin Short's autobiography. I was into reading about people who had lost their spouse. They were married 30 years when she passed. He and she have cocktails together in the evening and talk. He says the conversation ends when he asks her where she is now. This was my first book to read after Billy left about widows/widowers. I could not concentrate on fiction, but widows and widowers books, I read them. And, I have always talked to Billy. I did what a friend of mine told me to do. She sat down in front of her deceased husband's regular chair and she went over their whole marriage. It was stormy. Billy's and mine was not a smooth sea all the time either. So, I took all of his "do you like my hat" hats and sat them all on the passenger side of the truck. I talked to him for 40 miles to town and 40 miles home. I cried. I told him exactly what he and I both had done wrong, and we did a lot wrong, but the last 30 years or so the sea was totally calm. I fussed at him and I took my blame too..........and always, always, if Billy and I had a fuss, my daddy, my very own daddy said "what did you do"" to me. He knew his daughter. It was such a cleansing journey, I thought I would talk to his hats again the next time. I cried all the way to town, I cried all the way home. I did not talk. Then I put his hats next to his urn and that is where they have stayed. I said all I had to say, and I apologized a whole lot too.

See why we called him Billy the Kid. I don't know if I have ever put this before.

I know it does Tom. I think about my friend who passed away yesterday, she was having a simple gallbladder procedure and had a heart attack on the table. She traveled so far from her home country after the war, I guess it was called Croatia, Yugoslavia when she was a child. She was three years older than me and I loved her accent. Beautiful blond and so sweet. I feel so sorry for her husband..............and you........and all of us. I remember when it got to where the technical side of the computers could be checked from the hospital and ghosted on our home computer. Well, that was too much for her, she decided to retire rather than the possibility they could see her in her home. I loved this sweet woman friend. Tom, this pain is going to stay with us. I see people on here trying to do things to "put one foot in front of the other" and that is about as good as we can hope for right now. The shock you have had, (we all have had), my crazy temper because he was leaving me and I was not going to let him. Surely he could see if I was angry, then surely he wouldn't leave. And, I should have been holding him instead of being angry. But, you see, I was not going to let him leave. I quit playing God that day. I have strange sensations that he is standing beside me sometimes and then I reason, well, he did stand beside me over 54 years, so it is natural I would feel his presence. Of course I turn around and he is not there. I have always had a mystical, magical, imaginative mind that sometimes got me in trouble. He left and it was gone. He has been gone almost 26 months now (but who is counting?) I felt since he did not believe in the supernatural way of things sometimes that he had taken mine with him. He didn't. He gave it back to me just so I could feel him close to me, even though I cannot see him. Sometimes now I can conjure up his presence. Maybe I will be able to look at pictures next. I can listen to some music now. Little tiny things come with time. We understand.

Billy used to say (over and over through the years) "I am you and you are me" and sometimes I feel that is true. In looking at your Tom and Susan stocking, in hanging it up, you are hanging up "i am you and you are me." Simple. My young Billy, my very young Billy, when we were first married, first weeks, not months, would repeat a little silly ditty. I will never forget it. "If you love me like I love you, no knife can cut our love in to" (I always wonder if that is "in to or in two) since it would possibly be two parts. I loved his silly ditty. I was taking shorthand in business school. I showed him how to put "I love you" in shorthand. He never forgot and did it often in 54 years into the middle of my open palm.

Ditto

My "new friend" (I will probably never see her again) mentioned some of the same things. I used to think Billy had to "surprise" me (when we were first married) with a new gift each important date. He did not do these things. My dad did. He always surprised my mom, who once looked at a blouse he had bought her, asked how much it had cost, he told her and she said "I could have made it for 70 cents." It did not deter him though. But, Billy was not my dad (and in some ways I was very thankful). He was a wonderful father, grandfather, and I grew to not care about surprise gifts. It quits being a surprise if you have to hit them on the head with the catalog with the pages turned down. We did eventually go with each other and pick something out. I found in later years that I did not want "things" but he became a kid again and wanted presents. That tickled all of us. Holidays became about him. Myself, I came to dread holidays because I was supposed to say what I wanted, I wanted nothing, if I wanted something I would buy it. I became the original Grinch, not money saving, just holiday ruining. Like this year, I told my son to get me a calendar. I packed so many things they had bought "Billy the Kid" that he had never looked at again after getting them. I dread holidays, not just because he is gone, but I always dreaded them. (Except when I was a kid). I remember finding my "Evening in Paris" perfume way before Christmas. (I was a teenager) I would put it on before dates. It was half gone at Christmas. Mama thought it had evaporated in the closet.

Today was melancholy. I did talk to a woman in the card section at Walmart. I mentioned that I missed getting my husband a card. She lost her husband five years ago. She has one son in Texas that is coming in for Christmas. We talked a long time. When we finished, she told me it was nice to talk to someone like minded. We hugged. I appreciated it. I might add, at our age, back in our days, we would have gone to different schools. I don't want to "Make America Great Again" if it means going back to the days of "The Help" and it is my opinion, and only mine, that the USA and friends of mine would like it to be like that. Not me. On the way home, The Oakridge Boys, that I had bought a $5 CD from last week, it melts through the wax in my brain. I did cry at one. But, I did listen to it. Two years ago I did not listen to music. Sometimes I wonder, but like our fellow said, one foot in front of the other. Oh, you're always in my heart And you're often on my mind I will never let it die Just as long as I'm alive Sometimes it makes me sad That we never said goodbye Oh, I guess it never hurts To hurt sometimes (I know this music is not for everyone, but consider the source).

Oh Butch, we hate you to suffer so much. I hope your broken heart will have years of helping to mend with your family. All of your family needs you. Sometimes you wonder why you were left. I always think of Billy as the much better person, more loved, and more of a loss than if it had been me. I have had a hard time understanding why he was taken. Some things we don't understand. I want to have what my mama called "peace that passes all understanding." There are no words to help, but my selfish feelings feel better with a world with a person like you in it. You have so much love to give.

No, my daughter was the nurse of the biological mother in the hospital. She brought her home from the hospital. She was adopted. I understand that about the Xanax. I count mine all the time. I don't go over the two a day and I am sure by now I am addicted. I took them years ago when I had cancer, took them seven years . I knew how to coast off them and never had a moment's withdrawal. Amphetamines.......took years to break the "wanting the drug" habit. But, I went off cold turkey. I went a little crazy and wound up in the hospital. I'm not afraid of the Xanax. An amphetamine would kill me.

I need to clarify this. My granddaughter, at this time, wants nothing to do with her biological mother because she was a street drug addict, was put in jail the last three months of pregnancy, which for us, for my granddaughter, we were fortunate. Sometimes I write too much information and then I feel guilty talking about family.

I think we all can be compared to that phantom foot syndrome. Leg cut off but still has real terrible pain in the foot.. Nothing below the knee. Still you can feel the pain. I have periods where I can feel Billy beside me for just an instant, I know he is not there, but the feeling that he was there is still present. I think so many years that he was there, it is natural to turn toward him, things I want to tell him, like the phantom foot, it is gone but the pain is still in the place where the foot used to be. Knowing the foot is not there does not make it hurt less. I think they attribute it to nerve endings. Going on what I remember and all that I remember is not true. We are going to have the best Christmas we can. All of us. Not our preferred happenings, but should we all still be alive, we will make the best of it whether alone or with a big family. I may have mentioned my friend who belongs to some club of women, probably all widows, and they go to clubs, went to see Hamilton in Chicago recently, went somewhere in South America, they just have so much fun they make me tired. No sour grapes in that statement either. George, make a plate for your dad to put in the refrigerator. He might not care for Christmas, but if your sister is going to cook, make the best of it. I know this is the season for giving, but we give our best, sit back and do a little "taking" and I don't mean gifts, You know what the situation is, now take as much as will benefit you, she has a husband, be a different person, instead of giving so much of your time and feelings, sit back and benefit from what you can. (I am a good one to preach, but I don't walk the talk).

Oh, I forgot to say her Louisiana Medicaid went through in her name. Was able to get a primary care physician (who happens to be mine too), and right away they will schedule her upper GI series with our local female gastroenterologist. You know the trouble we had traveling the 109 miles to Texarkana, exam already okay'd by primary care in Arkansas, only to be told they did not accept Medicaid. That was over a month ago with her still having symptoms, having lost 10 pounds from being unable to eat much that didn't hurt her, and could only schedule preliminary exam for a couple of months ahead in January. I do not understand Medicaid, but it seems there is a right way and a wrong way. With our private insurance and Medicare we have had many "wrong ways" so it actually does not matter which route you take. We did get lucky this time. She has had this since she was an infant and I can remember us having to withhold the bottle from her with her crying for it in preparation for her first upper GI. She has severe reflux. We were lucky that she did not have more things wrong. A woman that takes every street drug while she is pregnant should be put in jail until after the baby comes. A lot goes wrong in our world, but little innocent kids being abused is something I cannot understand. The "woman" in this case was the bio-mom. My daughter has anger problems, only takes psychopharmaceutical drugs that I do not believe some of the doctors giving these things out, I do not believe they read the side effects before they give them. Might have some good clinicians, but you have to be careful with what they give you now and be your own physician sometimes. .

She really is my purpose, but I sure don't want to hold her down. I want her to learn to fly. Right now I'm just glad that does not include drinking, dope, and dating. Yes, counseling is in order. (Probably mine).

OMGosh, don't I know that. I am just hoping two that are not kin, I am hoping they don't come. They are not living with either progeny. Would have to make accommodations for them to sleep more than one night; five at Thanksgiving. Also buy groceries.. And George, I have gotten rather ornery. I like things to go the same, we have a routine. We know my family dynamics are a nightmare. I wish you well with yours. Both kids do not live with their partners of many years. I don't think I will borrow trouble before it happens. Christmas in jail might be new. I said I'd like to eat out. Good luck George. Don't work too hard.

Kevin, I could bore you to death talking about her. I simply think she is fantastic. You cannot imagine the things she has gone through from before she was born until now. She is a gorgeous, exotic Amerasian beauty. She has a lot of fear we have to work on, will get a new counselor. No drugs though. I've seen what the psychotropic drugs prescribed for her mom have done, and it is not good. Your grandsons are nice sized guys. I love the name Atlas. And it fits him. I actually sometimes don't know what I am going to do to help her and really don't know what I would do without her. I don't want to be like that though.. She knows she does not have to stay. Also, she is not ready to be on her own........thus, will need counselor. She needs more school after the diploma.

I don't know how many times I have mentioned we need to eat out for the Christmas dinner, but it always comes down to Mama's dressing, and it would be what Billy wanted also. He hated turkey and our family is divided on that also. When it all comes down to it, it is just another meal, a big one for the family.. Your dad might not recognize Christmas, but he eats and you know what he eats. If your sister is not going to make it a family dinner, you can cook for yourself and your dad and just throw in what you want to for Christmas cuisine without making a big thing of it. I know you bring him dinners and eat with him sometimes. Heck, bring pizza. I am not going to fight it. My granddaughter is the youngest and she still wants Christmas food. So, we will do it. Everyone is in such a financial bind, gifts are optional, but they will be there anyhow. There are a couple of people that are not family that I would prefer not to come, but my Xanax gets refilled before Christmas.. Wish I could drink eggnog. Used to be my favorite. At my grandma's all the sisters and their husbands made eggnog from scratch. I preferred to not see the raw eggs, even if they were "cooked" by the whiskey. So many rituals we have left behind, so many ghosts of Christmas past. Some were very good memories, some are terribly sad, which will be a melancholy thing we now bring into each holiday. Don't work yourself too hard George. I told my sister last night that I was tired, just plain tired and I was going to bed early. She is alone, except for me, and if each of us do not take care of our own physical well being, there is really no one else to do it..............and we all are in the same boat. Or maybe our own pirogue. Left to my own rowing that tiny boat just went round in circles. I do that in life too.

Agree 100 percent

Yes, she was home schooled from the 6th grade until Billy left us. He was our number genius. He was head of the laboratory for the Shreveport district dept. of highways and he fooled with numbers all the time. He seemed to love it by the way he would figure width and length of different fly lines. He would study up into the night if he could not understand an algebra problem she had. I hate numbers so much. I will spell anything medical for you, but do not give me numbers. He always did our income tax and I tried tackling it the first year with a program to do taxes and wound up at H&R Block, or whatever you call that place. I am seriously inept with numbers, but so is my granddaughter. She is scheduled for three tests on Tuesday at the local college and two tests Thursday, with math being Thursday. She is good in everything but math. Pretty sure she will be taking it again in the spring and then we will just have to reschedule the math again. It is a GED, just a fancier term I guess.

Kay, I definitely am not learned enough to think/know that they cause heart attacks (might happen with stress), but I watch enough TV to see on medical shows that they are relieved they were not having a heart attack, only panic attacks. (I watch too much TV). I think with the various panic attacks I have had, and I really don't think I am as experienced as a lot of people, but I don't think I have ever thought I was having a heart attack. I do have to remember the medical professional was worried because my ankles were swollen, I do know that is not a good sign, and she told me to put my feet up twice a day at least. I do not know what heart attacks feel like (and I don't want to know), but in all actuality, I think we all suffer from "heart" attacks. I am so overweight that anything is possible. Oh, by the way, we finally have a little of the northerner's cold weather. I heard my heat come on this morning. That is a rare sound lately. Fixing to take my granddaughter to school. She takes the HiSET test on the 12th or 13th. Not worried about anything but math. She will resume study of that after the holidays if she fails that part and then will only have to take that part. Then what????? We just don't know.

Darrel, it was good to hear how you are doing now. It is hard to pretend to be happy when your not, but maybe some time or the other, maybe a little of the happiness will rub off on you too, until then we will just "put one foot in front of the other." Check back in ever so often when you get a chance.

Okay, guess it was just a giant anxiety attack. I have seen (heard) of those prompting belief of a heart attack. Yesterday I tackled the neighboring city, went by interstate and the traffic was horrible. No attacks. (Granddaughter was with me). My sister wants me to go back to doc, but there is really no medicine that I can have that won't prompt some reaction from the colon injury, the Xanax works without any untoward reaction. I'm good. Just wondered if this was a "terrible two" year problem I was not aware of. Not good at concentrating again and I want to read. I guess this too shall pass.

I have my anti-anxiety medicine, but have been cutting them down to one at night. I will take one before I go to the store. Have been going without them when I go, has not happened but these two times. Did premedicate before the last visit but had to take another one while in the store. And, I don't have them when someone is with me, and that did not enter into my wax brain that it would have helped if Bri had been with me. I go so often by myself. I guess a person can worry about life things so much it puts them in a vulnerable condition we don't anticipate. I just thought maybe this was a second year thing that had just happened. Considering all things, I thought I was doing good. I could be flippant, but this takes the flip away.

You are right, the season, the number of people play a big role in it, but this stuff has been going on forever without breaking down. I had one real anxiety attack when I had cancer and left my grocery cart in the checkout line. I also had, caused by anxiety, dissociation and thought I was having an old fashioned nervous breakdown (although we don't have those anymore, do we?), but my psychiatrist said it was my mind trying to protect itself. I understand those to some extent. I had anxiety attacks right after Billy left, but this was like an uncontrollable one. No disassociation (I did not mind those after I found out what they were, also didn't have any more). I have the congenital tremor that has gotten worse and the colon problem, which I will have forever, and that causes some shaking, but this was shaking I could not control, but after the Xanax, I was able to control it. And I was so afraid of something, and I think it was the uncontrolled shaking. Did not hurt anywhere, some shortness of breath. But, they cannot really play with medicine with my radiated insides. I fought it down this time, but the day before I just left the grocery cart in an aisle and walked out. (Sure screws your mind up when you start looking for stuff you know you have bought and then remember it was left in the cart). I know they will want to try some new medicine on me and I'm not sure my insides can handle it. And no, I don't trust the doctors. I trust this one to listen to me though, finally. But, I didn't do this last year. Maybe I just wasn't "here" last year.