Margm

It is 74 right now at 7:10 p.m. Monday night. Supposed to be 30 degrees Friday night. Tomorrow brings some big changes.

For some reason, I actually thought I was doing pretty good, for the condition I was in. Heard 2nd year was tough and I could not figure out how it could be tougher than first. Recently I have had crazy fear. Fear of nothing, everything, anything. I keep moving through it, but in Walmart, it took two Xanax to stop the shaking and all I was in was the sheets and comforters. By myself. I had not eaten, figured maybe blood sugar was too low and drank a Dr. Pepper. I think this is something I have got to take up with the doctor/nurse practitioner. I don't take but usually one Xanax a day and that is at night. The day before I had to leave a half full shopping cart and leave because of anxiety. I have no reason for this. I am not thinking of Billy (well, I am always thinking of Billy), but this was not because of this. Yes, I will take it up with medical practitioner as this alarms me. I did not go to class Christmas party because I did not want to see anyone. Is this anywhere close to any symptoms of anyone else. It does not feel like grief, just fear. I'm not afraid anyone is going to break into my apartment, not scared of people on the street, I don't know what I'm afraid of. No clue. As an addendum I do not associate this with a fear of dying, I don't want to leave my granddaughter alone, but not a fear of dying.

No holiday spirit unless you can drink it, and unfortunately I cannot. It was two years in October for me. I'm sorry you have to join us, I am almost double your age, but you will find more closer to your age here. It seems it is something that hits all of us at some time in our life.. Just keep reading, you will find kindred spirits everywhere and we all understand.

In all of modern medical science's knowledge, in our own experience, knowing what we know, how do you possibly mend a heart broken into so many pieces. You are loved Butch. We are praying, because that is all we can do.

Beautiful pictures, still in short sleeves in Louisiana. Adorable grandson.

It is hard to believe, but just 175 miles "up the road" we usually got a taste of winter, sometimes more than a taste. I just heard the weatherman mention warmer temperatures for the week end and I am wearing short sleeves as it is. I miss Arkansas, my kids are there, but there is just some part of me that won't go back to where he left me. I prefer to be where we began, even if we have warm weather.

Neither of my daily grief book readings helped this morning. I should be more advanced in this subject by now, don't you think? So, I go to the bibliography of books we have to help us along the way. I find one that seems to talk to me.......but wait........I already have it. Two more, and I have them also. What is enough? Enough of what? I am going to look for the Rosemary Christmas tree. Don't you think I have had enough excitement in my life at age 75? Sometimes I am sure of myself.. Sometimes I am afraid to get outside my door. Sometimes I am afraid to drive. Why? I broke my dream amnesia this morning after the early morning necessity. I dreamed Billy and I had five babies all at once. We did not want them. We gave them to the man and woman on Chicago Fire who have all those children. I came to see them when they were nearly teenagers and they did not notice me, their real mother, and I could not understand that. I told them we had a swimming pool also. I prefer dream amnesia.

Kay, Gwen, and I guess Kevin, all y'all that live in the NW part of the country, think you are fixing to get a burst of winter. Be careful.

I'm older than you Kevin, but I might have heard things about people that were just "different" when I was older than 17. I did not know a male or female had a choice until a close relative told me in my 20's that she thought she was lucky, she got to choose which side she wanted to play for. I watched a movie last night I had waited awhile for. I knew it would be one Billy would have loved. It was on the Wind River Reservation in Wyoming and was pieced together, I believe, from true cases. Billy loved the C.J. Box books and though this was not from one of his books, the setting and the hero, a wild life officer, was the same premise. At the end it quoted what I am putting below, and maybe it does not belong on a grief forum,, but it caused me grief knowing this was happening. I read some more articles and if I could change laws, this is one I would put first on my list. I did not know this. "A title card states that missing persons statistics are kept for every demographic except Native American women, whose numbers remain unknown." (from Wind River).

I wake with an alarm clock now three times a week so my granddaughter can be taken to school. She is scared to drive and can you believe that fear has sometimes edged into my own mind. What I wanted to write was how nice it was to not wake up with an alarm clock, but something strange has been happening. Not just once. I wake up when the kidneys say "wake up now!" and then I go back to bed. Each time I do that must be in a REM sleeping stage because Billy is in my half-sleep dreams. I cannot remember what the dreams are about, not pleasant enough to keep asleep and I slide out of bed. (Notice, I did change from "jumping" out of bed.) In all these dreams he has a loose button up, short sleeve shirt, a yellow and brown plaid shirt. He has never, to my remembrance wore such a shirt. He always wore pullovers unless he had to dress up. I think in my deep sleep that I must not dream. Now, in the light sleep I dream, remember some of it, but not really the content. Whatever it is, it is not pleasant enough to stay in bed. That shirt bothers me. (I have a lot of things that bother me more than that shirt). Kind of personal what I deleted. Absolutely troubled by the way things are happening now in the world and wonder next what famous person will be brought to task for things they have done, men and women. I was lucky that I had strict, really Christian parents. They had their share of fusses but they tried to make us live right. As soon as I graduated I wanted to hit those exciting lights. Got married instead. I got the best end of the bargain. Sorry for many women and men who had to grow up with secrets that were never talked about. I do get tired of hearing them and I guess I still have some old fashioned ways. Some insane too. And, all I was going to write about was the alarm clock.

I don't know about it being written anywhere, but I can still hear Billy "that's my job." So, I let him have his job. Kinda sad but sorta funny. I enjoy it when Scott comes and takes out the trash and I really don't mind taking it out, but miss hearing him say it.

Your a good guy Kevin. Cannot discuss politics, so I will just say I wish we had Justin Trudeau. Seems like a human and I come from the time of Pierre and Margaret. Somehow, I think this grief trip not only took away memory, concentration, but also took my sunny disposition away.

So Alone, there are different areas in these forums that I was not aware of because I had everything bookmarked for this one area. I came after a loss of only three days. In the over two years my memory would not let me concentrate and, this forum, and books I picked out with authors having "had their feet to the coals" in the same way as I felt, they helped validate my odd feelings. Maybe not odd, but certainly different, being alone. I found lots of books, some helped, some actually made things worse. I realized I was one personality and there were millions and millions that were not like me. (Thank goodness.) But the loss itself, was like a powerful explosion in my head and I could not concentrate. I am only now advancing to other subjects and my memory and concentration, both are lacking.. I went to a psychiatrist many years ago (I am definitely not a spring chicken), and the anxiety and fear that I had from guilt and a cancer I was trying to overcome, losing my father and two best friends to cancer all within months of each other, and I guess a survivor's guilt also, I started having problems that I thought were definite signs of my insanity. She assured me that it was the brain protecting me at these times, and since then I have allowed my brain to go at its own pace and do not worry at changes. It seems simple enough to put one foot in front of the other and just carry on. It is not easy and there are many pitfalls. I have let my brain protect me from seeing those last moments and also have left some guilt behind. Quotes do not always help me anymore, but one quote by Rose Kennedy, I repeat very often, her feet went through the flames many times. “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

Gin, I am having to handle business on the house I lease. They are wonderful tenants and have made so many improvements, I want to ease the house over into their names as an assumption. Lots of things that were done wrong (by loan company), and I got so frustrated on a 3 way call with people I completely lost it. I was very unprofessional and told them what I thought of them (I know Mama, you get more bees with honey), but I told them they had a terrible reputation with the BBB. Anyhow, I missed Billy so much and I just took a Xanax. Then I got to thinking. All my Billy would have done is sit across from me on the couch and let me handle the business anyhow, but he had a calming influence that Xanax does not duplicate, but it was better than nothing. Good luck with your back. My daughter has had this also, but she was in her early 40's. Things are not as easy as we get older. And as far as doing things. I just jump right in and forget I cannot swim. Good luck my friend.

I just discovered this. Not only am I late to the topic, I did not know it was here. In fact, I have found some more "groups" or topics. Oh joy, now I can cut my word salad up everywhere. No stopping me now. I may have read it, but I still don't know what the things on the side with the hearts. If I read it, I just punch one. No idea what I'm punching. Sometimes I type something and there will not be a heart below it. Does not matter. Maybe it is invisible. You do not realize, I get on here so often and type and type and then read it and think, "oh what the hell" and I will delete it. So, if I write something twice, just consider the source. And, I have no idea where I am right now. I feel at home.

Tony, we all take this the same, yet we are all different also. Where you just don't want to get out of bed, I at first would reach over for Billy and then I told his pillow "I know you are not here and you are never coming back." Then I got up. My friend who had just lost her husband a few months before really fussed at me. She told me to turn to his side of the bed and let him know that he would always be with me. Somehow, after doing this I felt better. But now, and I hate numbers, but it has been two years and just over a month. I say that as soon as I wake up I jump out of bed, I do not linger even a luxurious moment, because then the memories flood in. I have to figuratively say I "jump" out of bed, but at 75, I more than a little sorta slide out of bed usually gingerly. But, I still do not look to his side of the bed. I just try to get that moment over with as fast as I can. I also try to go to sleep almost instantly, usually a Xanax and my blood pressure med will put me out 30 minutes after a little reading. No deep thinking on my part, just unconsciousness. I usually have dream amnesia, but he has visited me in my dreams and I can remember thinking in my dream "I'm going to remember this." But I don't. I just know he was there for a moment in time. Keep reading. we speak the language of grief. (I am going to add a sentence to that. We speak the language of grief, but we are all trying to mix that language in with something maybe 4th cousin of hope, 2nd cousin of peace. )

No, it doesn't, but you get used to feelings hitting you when ever, where ever, and I don't full out sob, but we do keep a roll of paper towels in the living room for when ever I get emotional at weed killing commercials, etc. I do carry one paper towel in my pocket cause if I forget and walk through the fishing/hunting section of Walmart, the tears will come. The only thing I can warn against.....don't cry and scream into pillows where no one can hear you. Hurts your head something fierce. I learned not to do that. If I cried, Billy would just melt and let me have my way. He does not listen anymore.

I can take grits or leave them. They happen to be the only corn product I can eat. Always hated hominy. Love spinach. Ham, turkey, mashed//creamed potatoes and even though yams/sweet potatoes have fiber, I can have it. My diet is low or no fiber. Bad on a person, but the only way I can keep living. It is called "low residue" and as much as I love pecans, etc., can have none of them. Like diabetes, you learn not to eat stuff instead of to eat stuff. That is why I like a buffet.

Butch, before this happened, I would try to find words of "sympathy" to say to someone. I did not understand. I believe, if I am remembering correctly, right after I came on here three days after Billy left, I remember your going through a hospital stay yourself with your heart. When all this happened, the only thing I can say is "no words." But, you know this is the place to come. Your in our hearts. But, being in our hearts, for all of us, for any of us, that does not help the pain. I wish it did.

Oh, I have to partake of grits dressing (cannot eat cornbread),, but I have learned to make grits bread that is just as good. I fuss because I cannot have my southern mainstay of onions, any kind of bean, except stringbeans, but I can fix stewed potatoes and can have spinach, just not raw. Have not had a vegetable salad in over three years, but can have cooked carrots. That pecan pie looked wonderful, cannot have it, and my daughter has diabetes so I have a sweet potato pie, apple pie, and ice box lemon pie. Unfortunately, I can have all of them, and probably will. I am just not much on socializing, but I met a new tenant that says she will live here till she dies. Cute little fluffy blond, friendly, and I do not feel old around her. Most of these women are as old as I am and they make me feel old. Still do not want to socialize. I have so many former classmates and coworkers I have promised to have dinner with, and we will, when I am ready. More able to socialize that first year than now. My sister fixed a wonderful dinner, with all the trimmings, but I finally got my family to agree with me, all of them. Next holiday........we will start a new tradition.....we will "eat out." Probably down at the boats on the riverfront, they have a great buffet. My memories are full of old holiday traditions, family reunions, but I was a kid and did not have to wash the dishes or stand up at a hot stove.

Happy Thanksgiving to you also George, and to all of us who have lost family, but still we carry on. My sister, who considers herself a chef, and she learned a lot living in New Orleans so many years. She called and asked if I could eat pork sausage. I knew she was going to make dressing using it. No one in the rest of the family eats pork sausage. Ham and bacon are the only pork they eat. Brianna and I saw a movie and we now lay off hamburgers. (used to be my favorite food). We, most of us, hate turkey, but love chicken. Wish we still had the reunions that we had when I was a child. All the aunts, uncles, cousins and neighbors and other relatives with the sisters all in the kitchen fussing, always fussing over who cooked the best. Would like to be that innocent child again...........but, we have our memories, and I admit they are a poor substitute. Have as happy a day as you can. I know, "happy" is not in our vocabulary. We do our best.

That is what we did for 18 magical years. Every October we hit the mystical back roads, the non-traveled dirt roads of an Arkansas that we would not see another car all day, except in hunting season. Tried to stay off them in hunting season. People took their hunting seriously. Even let out school. Billy took closeups of golden rods, every color leaf imaginable, even a purple one in the road one time. Strange, I don't even notice when they are changed now. One year it was hunting season and we came upon a camp of hunters, men, women, children, old clunker RV's, tents, all surrounding a big fire to keep warm. (I hope it was a rainy autumn).

I think I typed a patient that took over 30 different medications. Can you imagine the cost for a fixed income patient. I was so happy when I would type a doctor that commented the patient was on polypharmacy. So, the new medication gives you a headache, okay, give something for a headache, and it causes nausea, give something for nausea, but it causes diarrhea, so give something for diarrhea, and patient is having dizziness, give medicine for dizziness. I was so happy to see doctors examining medications the patients were taking. In the realm of psychopharmaceuticals, my daughter has diabetes, admittedly caused by a medicine that had that side effect. Now she checks her blood sugar all the time and they just gave her one of the medications that is advertised on TV that "might" have any one of these side effects. She quit taking it. My daughter takes a gallon size zip bag full of medications. I'm sorry, Xanax takes care of all my ills so far. I'm satisfied. I worked harder today and I am sore, harder to get up and around, but I can anyhow. My daughter said she had a pain pill if I needed it. Not for me.

Gin, I don't know if I answered this. I usually write more than I should so sometimes I go back and delete. Now, I don't know what I have said and don't know what I have deleted, which is how everyone knows me that lives around me or takes the time to read me. I know how I feel. I don't do anything Billy and I used to do together. I taught that boy how to fish like a boat fisherman fished. I made a monster. I finally had to have it in written form, "I will quit buying boats." We had every boat that came out. Mama said I was baiting a hook as a toddler. I taught Billy how to fish. He ran trot lines and poles stuck in the ground. But, this hobby I have had all my life, I will never do again. Billy loved it so much, it is his and always will be. So, word salad again about nothing. I don't visit the places we went. I have to take a Xanax to even go back to Hot Springs. I just cannot do it. Won't ever do it. And, I am knocking on wood, I do everything I swear I won't do. There is an old saying, I cannot remember how it went but to wit: If it hurts, quit doing it.

For both of you, I probably would not have done what I did. Billy hated houses as much as I did. He hated taking care of them, repairing them, and we were just "treading water" until we could RV. Billy quit treading and I cannot swim, we were not homesteaders. I had no love or attachment to my house. I left nothing behind. I understand women and men having attachments to their homestead and cannot leave. I think it would be very painful. You are both resourceful women. I saw a woman yesterday taking her trash out to her big trash can by the street. She was very old or ill and stooped, her clothes were not in the best of shape, and her house was falling down around her. Now, she had neighbors, but sometimes that does not help. The point I am making is, she is still living, she is still functioning, maybe poorly, maybe that is all she can do for today, but I think you two women sound like you have a lot more years and you have reason not to leave. I didn't. "One size does not fit all." I don't know who said that. I think it was Dave.