Margm

Okay, I did let on my sadness and it was picked up by someone who has known me all my life. She reminded me that I was a "Steel Magnolia' and reminded me to keep busy. Can I tell you this, she keeps the "homestead" going and husband keeps the grandkids in another state. They go months without seeing each other. I want to tell her to cling to him tightly, he already has heart problems. They are all together now and other people's life's, they are really none of my business. I had to make Billy leave me to go fishing, instead, he fished in the front yard. Technique was all he cared about in fly fishing anyhow. I worked a bunch of years into our retirement (working was my hobby), and he would not leave the couch beside me. I don't know why I am talking nice about him. I made the mistake of going back to bed after my usual waking up time, slept two hours and dreamed he had run off with his secretary. I met her too and they were mean to me. So, I stayed angry with him. Surely God would not give him a job with a secretary. (I sure miss that boy.) Addendum: "Keep busy!!!!" I have put over 10,000 miles on Ferris Yaris in less than a year. I am busy enough. (I don't practice what I preach). No worry.

Again, no words. All I can think of is Rose Kennedy's telling about the scar tissue. True, that woman had a lot of scar tissue to build up, but Butch, I think the amount you have would make moving body parts unable to be done. My heart is with you my friend, and no words to help. One of my dear friends lost her son today. He is about my son's age.. She lost her only sister about three years ago and her last husband a long time ago. She does not mention him. This young man had a family, and had fought so hard. We all know the stories, most of you have lived them. Billy was so laid back I knew he would be the last in the family to go. He exited very fast.

Well, I guess that gives me another reason to live, gotta take off the fat so I can go faster. (literally)

When "this" first happened, the only books I could concentrate on were written by widows, widowers. I had to reach out and see that what they were feeling was also what I was feeling. I made a mistake on one or two books. One, I left at the "washateria" for someone else to read and I took it out of my mind's memory. It bothered me so much that I could not talk to Billy. Yesterday driving the 49 miles to my Arkansas pharmacy, (Louisiana does not like to give Xanax), I saw the clouds in front of me for miles with two eyes and a smile, I like my imagination, do not like aberrations. I could talk to this Billy. My granddaughter likes me to stay up and watch TV with her. Last night was one of my recorded shows, "Chicago PD" and I kept wanting to go to sleep. I did nod off for only a few seconds (long enough for her to notice and wake me up) and when I opened my eyes, I saw Billy again. I don't know why that happens. I welcome the Xanax at night because it gives me amnesia from dreams. Nothing would make me happier everlasting than to have Billy back, but I know these are just aberrations and he is not here and it really bothers me rather than comforts me. My daily reading by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, today addresses what other people think our life should be now. (I actually go days without reading him now), but today (and I won't write all that he says), it tells us this: "So, the next time someone hints at a deadline for our grief, let's just smile and enjoy the sound of it whooshing by. We're masters enough of our own grief to realize by now that deadlines are mere sound effects." He had written a quote by Douglas Adams that said "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

I guess the USA is just a very big place. Down in the south, we have burn bans. Down south of y'all, California is burning. Kevin, I admire your getting out and doing all that yard work in spite of the troubles you have had. Got to keep these bodies moving, or they won't. I sure need to practice what I preach.

Cannot deny that, which puts "us" in a very real conundrum. Do we eat ourselves to death? What then, do they charge more for cremation? My body will soon provide a living flame with this fat. Cannot be buried, I don't know that many men that could hold the coffin. I used to enjoy walking, but I did have Billy at home that I could call if my "problem" happened. I walked a road called "Golden Road" which was the country road one over from our Circle Drive home. I "cheated" by cutting across the preacher's yard because if I went to the end of the street, the pit bull got after me. Dixie (our Golden Retriever) once got me down on the ground and I knew then age had crept up on me. I could not get up. All she wanted to do was love me and kiss me to death. After that (she was only about 8 months old) we gave her to a family with two kids that jumped down on the ground with her and they all played. I could not play,, and she never even looked back driving away. Billy could have trained her not to jump up on us, but he had lost his dog training impetus. That used to be a hobby of his. The dog was for our granddaughter, who really did not want to take care of an animal, we found out. I have come so close to death myself, I now know it as a real thing, and I cannot pay more for a pet deposit and monthly rent. You think walking on concrete is tough on the legs, and it really is. Walking the dirt roads was not as tiring. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I have about five pair of Sketchers, so that excuse won't pass. (My daughter buys me shoes, I don't). She and my mother were shoe crazy. I have to do it. I know I have to do it just so my back does not hurt so often. And, what back, "in its right mind" could handle carrying around these hips all day? Gotta have pain. Can I blame it on my "low residue diet?" Nope, cannot do that. My legs work just fine, so far, but I do see the writing on the wall, and the footsteps behind me get louder. No excuse, except death by eating. Gotta change, if not for myself, for my granddaughter. She told me (and she went in with me) when I was having my blood drawn, that mine worried her more than hers being drawn, and she has a pretty good hold on beginning hypochondria.

I know how lucky I am Gwen. All I have to do is let them know and we will go out to dinner, accidentally went to movie with a friend the other morning (cheaper in the morning), and Brianna likes to go to the movies. It was nice to see her. I'm sorry, and I know they are waiting for me, but I just don't want to go anywhere. My widowed friend (retired teacher) belongs to a group of widows called "Adventurous Babes Society" and she goes everywhere, different continents, etc. They have parties all the time. Honestly, I'm not up to partying yet. She is close to my age and lost her husband a little before Billy left. I just cannot do it........cause, I just don't want to do it. But, it is nice knowing I could if I wanted to. Not much on partying, never have been. (well, I was before I met Billy), but I was a child then. I have not entered that part of my 2nd childhood yet.

I cannot walk as good as I could two years ago but I'm sure it is the weight too. Honestly, you have to have some sort of push to make yourself do that and I'm sorry, but my health improving is not a big enough push. Maybe I just want to eat myself to death. I had lost weight after Billy left, so you know I put a lot on fast. Don't care what I wear or makeup either. I cannot pretend I'm fixing up for him and don't care to for myself........and definitely not anyone else. Gotta push myself somehow.

It is very presumptuous of me to believe that every person can have the country redneck life I am actually blessed with. That is why I came back here. I am sorry some people are not allowed my "privileged" life. Even though I would not be considered rich in money, I am rich in friends who help me. That is why I so much do not tolerate ignoramuses, and do not want you to have to either. I'm sorry.

I cannot say that I do not get out much, because I'm gone all the time. My friends are in touch on FB mostly and none of them push me. Maybe because I am so much older than all of you that they think, "well, she's a goner anyhow." But, I get no good mannered advice from any of them. They cheer me on. Am I just lucky, or am I just too old for them to care? I have a bunch of loving friends and I can honestly say I love them as friends. One little busy body one, she remarried, but I think I worry more about her because she is going to face this again. I have now considered myself lucky for reaching all those milestones, even though we had more to share, and I still suffer from the stupid phenomenon of if I fall asleep anywhere but in my bed, if I even drift off, Billy is there. One time he kissed me on the forehead. Hallucinations? Why just when I reach REM sleep? It does not happen at night. (And, unfortunately, it rips up any scar tissue I have built up.) Xanax gives me amnesic sleep. Remember, I saw the two little girls (Angels?) on the ambulance steps. No one else saw them. I can remember them but cannot remember what I ate 5 minutes ago. (Which is something I am really going to have to watch with gaining all that weight.) I know I don't wear makeup and gained all that weight because Billy is not here, but I have to get a grip on it, and honestly, I am beginning to want to. For me. So I can keep walking. I know I am blessed with good friends who have already been through the fire, and other than the one who wanted to force me to go to the grief sessions where the people were grieving their children), all the rest have been understanding. None push me.. But, they do keep in touch. The thing is, I am an old lady (I'm sorry Marty, I am using this as a metaphor) and I can count my friends as many. I have coworkers and I have high school friends, and I have relatives. What I am saying is this.......my graduation was in 1960, and I am friends (small school, 106 in my class) with the "girls" from way back then. Is it possible to renew friendships from years gone by? Look how long it has been for me. And, these people understand, because as I said, they have already walked through the fire. Is it possible you have old friends from school days? I know everyone was not brought up in a close knit small paper mill town, but you have to have acquaintances from years gone by. Just a suggestion. One size does not fit all. (Who said that? It was one of the guys.)

All my blood work was okay. Can you believe that. Anyhow, got a lot of walking in today and she told me to walk five times a week. My granddaughter said "she does not know us does she, ha?" Gotta do it.

May have mentioned it but they said I had fluid in/on my lungs. Not too sure about that. I knew when I take a deep breath sometimes I will wheeze, but no pain, no pleurisy, some shortness of breath (but only with exertion) and I think I have gained 34 pounds in two years, so that does not help. Blood work today. Will check that next Tuesday. I know the blood pressure medicine I take is doing no good, but that goes along with the weight. Will just wait and see. Hope you get help with your back, sure limits everything.

Gin, sure hope you are feeling better.

It does not take courage to ignore ignorant people. Good manners aside. They show me good manners, I smile, hang my head, walk away. You have given them all the attention they need. If they are smart, they will understand, if not, then you have smiled, acknowledged they said something, but you do not have to answer ignoramuses..

All of C.J. Box's books are located there. I travel there each day. Kinda afraid of a Louisiana flatlander fighting 90 degrees weather acclimating to 10-12 inches of snow or more and below 0 temperatures. I noticed in summer their temperatures get into the 100's. I will stay with my mudbugs, crawdads, crawfish.

Well, I guess this is our second Angelversary. No cake.

I think I have found a medical practitioner smarter than me. I sure like her. Young girl (of course they are all young girls to me.) Only thing is, I just went in to get my BP medicine refilled. Damn woman had me get on the examining table. Yep, my feet were swollen, I knew they were. Not supposed to be sitting at computer so long with them hanging dependent. I have my grandmother's legs with prominent veins. I know you call that something, but I'm retired. Also fluid in my lungs. I'm not gonna look that up. I knew I wheezed occasionally, but thought it was fluid drainage from my autumn allergy, always have it. No fever. Gotta go in for blood work in the morning (just had it a year ago), and she will get it from that doctor's office. Then have to go back in a week. I told her Billy had "fell through the cracks" and she said she was not going to let me. I told her I would just as soon she let me, I was fine with that. Nope. Got my flu shot, got to get the pneumonia one. Flu shot always makes me "puny" so I fell asleep in the chair and again, Billy was on the couch. I got straight up, but a few tears. Why not come to see me on the 16th, he left on the 17th. I don't like meeting him this way, it hurts, and I had some scar tissue building.

Mine too. I saw the preview and they have to pack a lot in because this is the last season. I hate that.

Billy has one sister left. She lives in NM and we used to go visit at least once a year. I have known her since she was 16, when Billy and I got married. I have not been able to talk to her or to my friend who got Billy and me together. My kids have kept in touch with them. I could not talk to them. Today, in a shaky voice, I called both of them. I just could not talk to them before now. They understood and we talked and talked. I don't know if I feel better, but I certainly feel like something was lifted. I don't know what. I will be calling them again. I did not cry any. And, I must have caught my traveling bug, the hitch-itch I used to have. Thought about moving to Wyoming. Now, that would probably cause a stir. I know I cannot do it but I did look at apartments online. I cannot do it, am going to just do my traveling through C.J. Box's books about Joe Pickett the game warden in Wyoming. And for those interested, Longmire comes back November 17th (I think).

I could in no way understand the things that have happened. Marty's words say it all and I appreciate that she put (I/we) to all she said.

Honestly Gin, finding a good doctor is hard to do. I had two doctors until I was 18 years old. Dr. Garret delivered me and then his associate Dr. Gray took care of my allergy, tonsils, and anything else that bothered me. Those were the good old days, good old doctors. They have so many patients they don't remember you anymore. That is why they time them 15 minutes for each patient. Can you imagine a doctor being set on a timer to see patients. It happens now, but back in the 40's, 50's, and 60's, we knew our doctors and they remembered us when we came back. My nurse practitioner in Glenwood knows me. She listens to me. She talks to me and she never talks down to me. She is a friend and a doctor (nurse practitioner). That does not happen often anymore. Good luck Gin, and I hope they take good care of you. I hope you don't have pain too.

Mares, when my son calls, and he tries to call every day, I still get a jolt, he sounds so much like Billy. He is in Louisiana with me right now, but he will go home tomorrow. He has his own relationship of nearly 11 years that he has troubles with. But, one day, down the line (they grow up so fast), you will hear David and you too will get a jolt. My son is middle aged now, and I am sure older than you and David were. I am just so glad you have part of David. Now, when Scott leaves, I will be depressed for awhile. I have my granddaughter with me though. I have not thought about it, but one day she will probably leave me too. Our hearts are with you. It does not matter how long you were with them, the love lingers on long after they are gone. I wish I could remember my grandmother's words exactly, they are written down in a book she wrote for all her ancestors, but 18 years after my grandfather passed she said the pain was like yesterday. She had known heaven on earth and would not know that kind of happiness again until she was with him again. I feel the same way.

I'm so sorry for your loss, no words can help. There are people somewhere in this forum that had losses that can identify with this great loss. You have a part of him with you. Yes, you were left with a blessing and there are young people on this forum too.. Cling tight to that part of David you do have left. My heart is with you.

Yeah, I knocked a jar of cheese sauce out of the pantry onto the floor. The pantry is large, the door is not large. I was bending down cleaning it up and the Christmas tree fell out of the box into the sauce. So, this Christmas our tree will have "yellow snow" on it. Anyhow, I was down in the floor, wiping glass and sauce up, putting paper towels in a box, wiping up Lysol spray cleaner, backed out of closet (I was on my knees) and I could not pull my big behind up. Eventually walked myself up the cabinets and went and sat down. (My muscles hurt the next day like I had been lifting weights.) I was drenched in sweat. I would not have let myself get this big if Billy was here and if I cannot cry myself to death, this eating myself to death is making me very uncomfortable. No bother with my neighbors, and I have lots and lots of neighbors, except my next door neighbors yelling at each other, old, old married couple (no, they are not hard of hearing), but they act like they hate each other. I just want to tell them to love each other while they can. They have grown children, middle aged children, so they have been together a long, long time. I cannot tell them that though, they will have to experience it.

Gosh Gin, you do a lot more than I do. My only real exercise is taking the washing to the laundromat. I, for sure, have no answers.