Margm

Gin, I think you and I are about the same age. I know my inactivity has aggravated my back more than anything I have not done. Kevin, we bought hiking "poles" from an outfitter company many-many moons ago and back in the 1970's they were over $30 each, I think they were $36. Billy needed them for his back. We did a lot of hiking. We still have one, another lost in the move. Walmart has my "trekking" sticks for $18 for two, which I have lost my other two. I use two also. Gin again.....Billy had herniated disks in his back and rode a Schwinn Airdyne exercise bike for many years. The Williams (have to Google that) back exercises help also. I tried them again recently and have a hard time getting my rear end off the floor. They help though. Kevin, I love horseshoes, congratulations. Daddy used to have a game where a hole (two) were dug so many feet apart and big "washers" about the size of a silver dollar were used to throw in the holes. I loved it. The tremor I have now would make my aim terrible.

Kevin, I am on what they call a low residue diet. I have not had a green salad since before March of 2014. The only veggies I can have are green beans and spinach. I have learned to make a grits corn bread. My sister makes me a grits dressing for holidays. It is kind of like a diverticulitis diet. I get the best tasting food, but cannot have any fiber, but they did let me have wheat bread. No cornbread, beans, peas, any of the good old southern foods (except southern fried chicken and steak, etc. Avocados I can have. Lots of fatty stuff.. Cake, (as long as no nuts or coconut, berries, etc.). I just need to start a walking regimen, drink lots of water, take my vitamins, and try to live. I did walk to the end of the apartments and back. This is a large group of apartments and sidewalks, so while I can, I have to start walking. I'll get into it. By the way, who would believe that grits would be the only corn this ole southern girl could have.

We tried once to live without the other one, we were apart six weeks and saw each other every day, so really not apart. Then we had about 30 years of wonderful. It was worth the not wonderful and if I had to do it all over again, I would not even mind the first month waking up thinking I was in prison. I would not trade one moment and I would not miss or change even the bad times. It was a wonderful trip. In 10 days we will have been apart two years and I miss him so much.

Happy Birthday Kay, glad you are getting to see your son.

The last two meals I cooked for Billy nearly killed him from pain. I gave him 6-7 hydrocodone pain pills, did not touch the pain and did not kill him either, which I was afraid of, it was in about a 7-8 hour period. Visit to the ER, stay in hospital, stents to his mesenteric arteries, he came home, but would not eat or drink. The morphine stopped the pain and he could take it. I knew the path we were on but I expected a miracle. It did not happen. If I go to cook something, the stand on my feet hurts my back so bad that I swear I won't do it again. We eat fast foods, frozen microwave food 99% of the time. The dishes are piled in the sink. Billy always loaded the dishwasher. Hurts my back terribly to stand at the sink. I won't use the dishwasher. Either my mind is overloading my reason, or possibly it could be referred to the ruptured colon. I can walk Walmart's aisles for hours, no backache. I am holding on to the shopping cart though. Does not matter the reasoning, the pain is real and severe. I can only take Tylenol. Reasoning sometimes does not cure this kind of pain.

I just deleted my humongous "word salad." What it amounts to is I do not understand life or death (though I should.) and seeing the faces of all those people killed by that deranged man made me think, someone, some loved one will again be hit by that Mack truck when they have to claim the body of the loved one. Billy and I, we both figured we were covered if the other one left, but even at age 75, "leaving" was not a great concern, only our next great adventure. Billy took that great adventure by himself this time and his prophetic words of "if you die, your pain and suffering will be over with and the pain and suffering will be left to the ones who love you. We still owe $1800 for my mom's death. Her cremation and burial of ashes are taken care of but now we have to pay succession. Did not have that in AR. I had signed everything over to my sister and she cannot move on until the money is paid and she did not have a safety net, so hopefully at tax time I can take care of this. She is not well. I remember a young woman writing in to this forum, but she disappeared and I don't go backward in time or reading the written words. (Unless it is a book). Her husband had been murdered and she could not claim the body and her children had to see him later in the morgue under bad conditions. What a legacy. Not their fault. I don't know where she went, she disappeared. My neighbors, mine and Billy's age +/- a year or two, when I pass by their door coming from the washateria/laundromat, he or she is yelling at each other. Long ago married, grown children, they yell at each other, harsh words, terrible words, but no cursing. I think Billy cured me of fussing with him. He would not speak to me for days, so we just didn't fuss, or we argued and got it over with. Both of these people can get around but both are seriously ill also. A big man with a big voice. Small woman, bad heart, holds her own. They seem such a bother to the other one. I just want to tell them to shut up and be thankful they still have each other. I'm not supposed to judge people. (I still do it though). Well Billy, I don't understand this lonesome life you left me with. Our son will be down today to stay a few days. He misses his dad so much. The lovable mom is no longer here. I still have the love circling around me somewhere, it just cannot reach my heart. I don't understand this world, but I never did anyhow. ADDENDUM: I know it is still long. I am suffering from not being able to write on Facebook. All the people I grew up with want to fuss politics and I hate politics. Besides, I am a maverick, I don't believe like most of them do.

Ana, it is only lately that I have noticed that I have become thankful for the memories and life I had. I am now realizing how lucky I was, but I am selfish enough to say that 54 years were not long enough. We covered every aspect a marriage could cover and finally "till death do us part" was the final act. I am sorry. We married at a time long ago, many years ago. I spent the night at his house to go get the marriage license and slept with his sister. I asked could I sleep with him and he said he did not think his folks would allow it. That was the beginning of the 1960's, actually 1961. Scott was born one week before our first anniversary. Billy had told me that the mumps had not "set well" with him and he could have no children. He might not could have, but I sure could. We were such kids. After I found out where those rascals came from, we did not have another until five years later. My neighbor told me about the "rhythm method." That sounded pretty cool. Kelli was born 9 months later on the day she was expected. Do I dare tell you that the woman that gave me this advice had six kids? So, in my missing him, I do realize I am so thankful we had all that time together and I wish you could have had that time also. I guess people were more intelligent than Billy and I was. We had no idea what we were getting into, but we hung on for dear life......till the end. (And it was not always blue skies and sunshine.) I sure miss that tall skinny man though. And, in saying all of this, I am not bragging. I am just saying that only now do I consider myself lucky. I wish everyone could have been as lucky and foolish as the two of us were for many years. But even feeling that fortunate, I still envy those that "go together." I envy those that make it to 70 years, or 60 years. And, I wish others could have had more time also. And possibly now I should shut-up.;

My daughter will remind everyone the whole month of October. Cannot get past that. I'm sorry, something lacking in my personality/soul/being, but I mourned my dad, but I was undergoing cancer treatments at the time as well as my best friend. She passed away a few months after my dad and I mourned her terribly. Maybe my mourning Billy so terribly has not let me think of my mom. Sometimes, and I know this sounds cold, but it was like she was never there. Alzheimer's takes them years before they really go. And again, it was so soon after Billy left, I didn't have room........and we weren't close. And maybe I am just a terrible daughter period.

I switched calendars when the new ones came out. I have a big notebook each month and have done this for years. I have to find the other one to find where I go to get my granddaughter's glasses. Procrastination. Her doc appointment is on the 10th, so on the 9th I will go crazy trying to find the old date book. Addendum: I have noticed I do repeat things more than once, sometimes all within a few sentences. You might have noticed. I remember my mammaw doing this after my dad passed away and her two girls (older women really) getting so aggravated with her. She was pure sweetness though and I just wanted to hug her every time she looked perplexed when they said "Mama, you just said that!!!!!"

Gin, my 15-17 boxes are legendary. How often do I think that I remember where something is and know I put mine and Billy's life together in boxes and I left that place he left me in. Know he did not do it on purpose, but I could not stay there, cannot go back there except for business I cannot do over the computer or phone.. Drawers? I emptied them into the big plastic boxes with plastic fitting lids. I wrote on tape on the box a generality of what was in each box. I actually have not needed to open the boxes. They really serve as bedside tables, coffee tables, inside the big closets, etc. I looked at three huge file boxes. They are stuffed with paper. Some have pictures mixed in with the papers. Not ready to face any papers, not needed, nor to look at pictures. I had to look at one picture of Billy with the soft blanket I had bought him for chemo treatment, he did not use it many times. I looked at his eyes and they shone with the look of such an illness that it cut through to my heart. You see, I was not going to let him leave. He paid no attention to me though. He left anyhow. Those eyes in that picture haunt me now, but at least they block out my last view of him. Thinking now that our first two years together were often contentious. The silence of the first two years without him is louder than any fusses we ever had and much harder to face, but we have no choice. My heart is with you today. I hate the month of October now and will not watch anything or read anything published in 2015. My granddaughter does not understand this. I don't either really. I cannot make what did happen not happen.

I'm supposed to go get my granddaughter's new glasses on the 10th. I took the prescription to a place in the big city to get them faster and get two pair. I cannot find where I wrote down the office address. She had her medical followups in two different places. Cannot find my paperwork. I cannot remember and the two cities are so close that she gets her medical work done, she does not remember. So, I procrastinate until the 8th or the 9th to find the location. I don't remember the location. Number they called from is not on my phone.

Oh y'all, I cannot say I am happy to hear that about memory, but honestly, I have not worried about memory. And........short term is gone almost 100% of time. My granddaughter tries to make me remember things and I just don't want to remember. I will come up with the right answer and she will say "are you sure?" Hell no I'm not sure. All I am sure of is this. I get to rewatch shows I saw last week all over again and I love it. Now, I do have my things I have to remember, as always....keys in left pocket, cell phone in right pocket. At night in box by my bed. Glasses always left on printer. Purse against wall in bedroom or by computer in daytime. Has to be that way, if not I go into shock mode and cannot think period and get very scared because I sure won't remember where I had them last. There are 18 Joe Pickett books by C.J. Box and four separate ones not about the man. I am enjoying reading them all over again but am easily distracted and have to reread them over and over. Billy already had them on his Kindle so I didn't have to buy any of them. I do make lists ever so often and I cannot keep my mind on one thing for long. Kevin, all of you, I think we do pretty good. I am not too sure that the amphetamines I took back in the 70's didn't scramble a few brain cells anyhow. Sure was fun until I had to get off them. My mom just died with Alzheimer's at 94. I still think the grief has got us all in a memory loss mode and it is no telling how long it will last. I just consider that part of the scar tissue.

Yeah, you think I know this stuff? I spent 43 years typing all labs and I found them so boring, until someone in my family got sick, then I would study them. Since I retired for good, since Billy has been gone I very rarely even look at Wikipedia to check something out.

Well, I had all my records sent to one clinic in town. I did that a year or so ago. The two nurse practitioners worked with the doc that retired and then they disappeared. They must not have liked the new doc. So, I have two new FNP's. I will go to which ever one they send me to, or to the doctor one. My problem is the doc thinks he knows more than I do. Guess he is right, but I know what I can take and what I cannot and if he does not listen to me, then I will leave. No need for GYN exams or other radiated portions of my body, but they might treat bronchitis if I happened to have it, but they better be careful. I can take my two blood pressure meds and Xanax and afraid of anything else. If they don't listen to me I will leave and find one that does listen to me.. I do not want any heroic measures medically or surgically. So, I hope I find one that will listen to me and maybe I will listen to him/her.

I have never asked my granddaughter how she felt that the words were always "I'm tired." Having said that, she is under a doctor's care, but she has been hypothyroid for years now and she is only 18. She will sit on the couch in a blanket with me sweltering. I can only give her the medicine she requires. Last time her counts were either higher/lower than usual (it keeps me confused), hypo means low, hyper means high. I praise you on your care of your health. I have not done my walks (only exercise I can do) in two years. Sometimes I think "what's the use." If nothing else, my clothes are getting tighter, and I wear clothes with stretch. Sometimes it is hard (but really no excuse) to have an "I don't care" feeling. It is assuring to me that you have turned this around.

Hmmm.....my first boyfriend looked just like James Dean, of course that was the time of that style, then Billy was a taller Steve McQueen. Wonder if I can find an old Robert Redford? No Billy, it does not tempt me. Still, it was Robert Redford for gosh sake.

No Ana, real life is not a movie. I have not read the book, but I read so many reviews of the book, not the movie, because I was afraid to watch it. I am very mindful of the scar tissue I have formed. Easily raw flesh with just a word or memory. I think they took a few advantages in the movie over the book, as in the book, I think they had eight children between them. Probably not time to make a movie of eight different opinions in a movie. I liked his daughter's opinion, or lack of opinion, but her son's opinion was made from a life in turmoil of his own, slights he perceived from his mom and his own personal life. What would the movie have done with eight of those opinions. My grandmother (my dad's mother) was in her 50's when my granddad passed. Her best friend passed afterwards and she and her best friend's husband began talking. All four of her children stepped in and stopped this. I had just entered my teens and grew up with the notion that "children should be seen and not heard" so I had no voice, but I could see nothing wrong with her friendship. Her marriage had been contentious on my granddad's part, I could see no real closeness. I did not understand relationships anyhow. And, like you said, Jane and Robert could be your grandparents. Granted, this movie will not mean the same to you much younger people as it does to the older ones. Just a movie about just two lonesome people.

I was watching it with dread, but it was Robert Redford!!!!! My family all have to keep me quiet after I have seen something. They don't want to hear me give away anything. And, I am the type of person, if I am reading a mystery and cannot keep my eyes open any longer, I will skip to the end of the book. My mom did this too. If the book is good, and 75% of the time it is, I go back and reread from where I left to the end of the book. It took away no enjoyment at all. At the end of this movie, and you might miss it, in the box that is sent to her, look what he sent her. The end of the movie was not really "the end" for either of them. These were older people who missed the closeness and conversation.........at night.......in bed....and this was not about sex. This was a clean, heartfelt movie that many of us can identify with, especially if you are "elderly." And, you have got to know, I was not old or elderly until Billy left. I have got to say "Blue Bloods" threw me for a loop. I did not expect this. Won't say anything if you have it recorded. But, "Chicago Fire," the way it started out, I immediately started real sobbing. Then, surprise, surprise. I won't watch "Grey's Anatomy" because Shonda Rhimes keeps killing my characters off. Yeah, I watch a lot of TV, but I have not forgotten how to read either.

My granddaughter and I have watched every episode of The Golden Girls and I have laughed and laughed. It was her choice. The Golden Girls are on Hulu.

Heartland was recorded every week. Longmire and Heartland were his favorites. I finished another of his C.J. Box books. We have them all on Kindle so I don't have to buy any of them. I think "Our Souls at Night" might hit a lot of us. It goes slow, but the characters are in their 70's, so slow is good. And, as for the ending, I see hope for both of them and we all need hope, even in the movies. I believe in the opening scene he is eating a TV dinner, alone, like many of us do. Later on, if I remember correctly, just the involvement of a human touch and conversation, he is eating something he has cooked. It reminded me at times of all of us. And Grace and Frankie is the first show that brought laughter back. It is so outlandish and the characters are my age. It is so much different from Heartland, I needed the laughter very much.

No Kay, it is on a long black cord, as a necklace, but it will fit over your head. My granddaughter is like the rest of us though, she feels honored to have a part of him, but it seems too sacred to wear. I have often thought of the Native Americans wearing the leather around their neck that has a sack holding their sacred things.

Like I have said before, I am eccentric, probably different than a lot of you. I have three big file boxes sitting in the closet in my bathroom. I don't know what is in them. I know I have not needed them. I do have scar tissue formed and little things can rip this away, so, I don't need them, I don't open them. Pandora's box. I have 15 big Pandora's boxes. They serve well as furniture. I am not curious. I did find Billy visited me when I doze off unexpectedly in a chair. I will not do this anymore. I know he is gone. I want to adapt to the scar tissue. I was afraid to watch "Our Souls at Night" on Netflix. Many won't watch because Jane Fonda is in it. But, so is Robert Redford. I got ready for the tears. I had read many reviews on this show and the book by Kent Haruf (who wrote other books) and the saddest thing was the real life of losing Mr. Haruf. The show was slow, but I think some might identify with it.

You all probably know me to be an eccentric old lady, and I admit to it. They hit my son and me with the option of also having pendants with Billy's ashes in them. This was the funeral home where we were making the plans. Of course we ordered them, mine in a purple "fob" with his thumb print on back. I have as yet to face or think about the implications of what I had done to his body, just know we both chose that for our last, and no funeral. We have a plot in the old big, beautiful cemetery and our box will be buried mixed together behind my mom and dad's, next to my uncle and aunt's and at the corner of my grandparents. I still have to get a stone, but have purchased the insurance Billy and I both mistakenly thought was life insurance, but it was only accident insurance that we paid for many years, taken out of our checks. So, in this case, only this, it is best Billy went first, he was covered with life insurance. But, I digress from the subject. I carry everything they gave me of Billy's when he passed. They are in a special section of my purse. His billfold with the $1 bill. His little socks. And, I kept the pendant in a box. Pretty box. My daughter wanted to order her own. He was my granddaughter's "Dade", the only one she had ever known. She told me yesterday she had nothing of his. She wears his old shirts lovingly, and his jackets. I gave her the purple "stone" necklace on the black cord, held in a pretty wooden box with a glass front. She won't wear it, but she has a part of her "Dade" now, and that meant something to her. My son could not wear his either, but keeps it safe.

I know you do not want suggestions. Guess what? I don't have any. Gwen, I have put off going to the doctor period. I go to my old caregiver once every six months. And, that is to get Xanax. I really felt bad today and got to thinking, I cannot kick the bucket while I am trying to help take care of my granddaughter. That really won't help her problems at all. And then again, I have no control and no doctor. I have a picture of me and Billy taken just before he left. We are on opposite sides of an old big wooden and iron bridge and I look at it and think he is just on the other side of the bridge and I'm tired. My thoughts are with you and I know the antidepressant might cause you some anxiety but I think you will read on it that it can cause thoughts of suicide in some people. Please let your doctor know this. My granddaughter's caregiver naturally wanted to put her on antidepressants, which she has been on in the past. She hated the way they made her feel and won't take them. I was on Prozac for probably 15 years. I told my granddaughter's caregiver (nurse practitioner) that Prozac made me just have apathy so bad I could not cry if I wanted to. She told me they gave it to her for anxiety and it calms her down. Made me think "damn, just give me a sugar pill and tell me I am going to feel excellent" and maybe I will. I do so truly feel for you. Long way between Louisiana and Washington, but my heart is with you. We are all the same, we are all different. We share this dammed grief. I know that is supposed to be damned, but I like the sound of dam-med.

It would be a better world if we were more like George.