Margm

But Sean, unless they die first, one day they will remember. It happened to me. I said something wrong to a friend. She never called me on it. Still my friend, has helped me so very much. We do not wish it on our friends but we know this secret...................one day...........unfortunately.

Sean, I am so selfish. I know Billy could handle some of the family problems so much better than I could. I won't go into them. (Surprised?) I know he would miss me and he would hurt, but our family provides enough drama that he would not have time to do much grieving. Something recently made me keep thinking "Your 75, you should not be getting so upset", and sure enough this morning I had minor pains on the heart side. Took two baby aspirins. No, I am not going to have it checked out. This old body of mine can still gain weight, walk, carry things, shop, and worry. The insides of my body are another thing entirely. I scare doctors. So, I do not get alarmed easily. This latest family drama made me fight with myself. Do I take a Xanax and aspirin or do I just worry? I have Factor IX blood, so aspirin is not advised, nor is it advised for the colon problems. To hell with that, I needed it, I took it. Consequences? Will worry about that later. This morning I was just missing Billy so much. He handled family drama so easily. I did not have to worry. Internally, and he kept things internal, internally his blood pressure would have gone up, but he would be his wise, calm self outwardly. I melt into a puddle of anxiety and cannot show it outwardly, I talk to Billy. No, some things I cannot do or show. He has taught me. I am him, he is me. Sometimes thinking about the two of us though, one of us is very lonesome and alone. I had not read my daily "devotions" by my favorite "cheerleader" and that is the wrong word. But, I flipped through from the last page sometimes in August to September 7th and Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., he told me this: "Sadness flies away on the wings of time." and it was written by Jean de La Fontaine. Then Dr. Wolfelt breaks it down to my understanding. Briefly: "I know that time alone cannot heal my wounds. Only active mourning can do that." Now, I understand that. Tomorrow, (I read ahead) is something we all can understand by C.S. Lewis: "The death of a beloved is an amputation." I am you and you are me. There was an amputation. Sometimes I need strength I just cannot conjure up. Please be safe all you people in the path of all these hurricanes. Every life loss is part of our's also. I quote this often. Strange that we give the poem to Hemingway, maybe not strange afterall. John Donne felt this in the 16th and 17th century. It applies today also. "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee." Another word salad. I put it on paper and now will go wash my dishes and live with the living. Billy always put them in the dishwasher. I learned how after he left, but the dishwasher was "Billy's job" and I will do it the old fashioned way.

I think that says it for all of us although to some clinging to where he/she was last is the balm that works for them. Some of us move away from the place that we felt so alone. Different paths, the one size does not fit all. Ana, you show we cannot get too far away. It is like sometimes trying to get away from ourselves, you turn around and there you are. We do what we can. Memory we lose, memory is a hammer that hits us in the head sometimes at the most inopportune time.

Tom, when my Billy told me "the one left must stay" it hurt my feelings. I did not want to stay. I think I still hold some slight resentment for him saying that. Again, I am a strange animal.

Tom, somewhere on here is a picture of grief's path. It is a twirling mass of lines overlapping and repeated. We do what we have to do. If it keeps hurting, we quit until maybe another time that we can visit and feel only peace. I have strange places. Our first apartment is still standing and I pass it often. I remember our time there. It does not hurt. I am a strange animal.

Tom, I admire your strength to return to your favorite places. I cannot. I cannot get in an RV again and travel. I doubt I will go past the Texas/Louisiana state line. Our RV, our truck always headed west. We planned one time to head east and when we got in the truck, we automatically decided it would/could not be, so we headed west. We loved Arkansas, but had bought the new RV to travel all over it. My kids moved back to Hot Springs and insisted that I do the same. Cannot do it. In fact, as soon as humanly possible, I did what was advised against, I moved away from the state. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. We do not all go down the same path. I do not see myself returning except to see my kids, and I would prefer they come see me. What is wrong and what is right, well, that is up to the person, you do what is right for you. In fact, I do totally opposite of what Billy and I would do together. Would he approve? I think he would. Gwen, you put the answer I share.

I'm sorry Gwen. I understand. Billy's would be the only warm body I wanted also. I wish we could have kept them longer. No, 54 years was not long enough. I just read about Neal Patterson passing away I think July 9th, 2017. He was in his 60's. He and his wife were CEO's of, I think Cerner. His wife just passed away I think September 1st, she was in her 50's. Death is no respecter of people. But, I was thinking, oh if only she could have been kept doped up so she was unaware. Cancer is no respecter of person's either. It is terrible to look at her following him so soon and thinking "they are together" rather than worrying about their family's suffering. Again, I hope new doc has workable plan that you can find peace of mind. My heart is with you. I know that does not help.

I don't know the difference in men's grief and women's grief. From all I read, it is the same. I am probably old enough, and strangely, as insane as I am most of the time, I know that there could be no one else for me. But, most everyone on here is younger than I am, like I said, some are younger than my years of marriage. I am only too human. I would ruin another relationship because it could not compare, and without saying a word, the other person would know. As jealous as Billy was (and it was due to his young home life), I think he would find a way to come visit so he could give me the silent treatment with those beautiful blue eyes shooting darts at me. I'd like to see him, but not on those terms. Some mates want their husbands or wives to find happiness. Even if Billy is an angelic creature now, I know what his feelings were before he left. An old classmate came by for a friend's hospital visit, long ago friend, classmate, nothing more, and Billy was crawling out of the bed, tube in his nose, he was leaving AMA. I know it was because he knew what was happening to him and knew there were live people left in the world. By this time the cancer had reached his brain, or it was the aneurysm, and he could not think normally. Some of it, the future is simple, and I do want to die of boredom.

Gwen, I have written and I have deleted over and over. I am a chronic depressive. I do have family anchoring me. You see, I understand not having rational thinking. I also understand I am not smart enough to really help someone when they are so down. I fight to help myself. If I did not have this anchor holding my balloon life down, my kids would have me put in a nursing home, if they could catch me. My reasoning would be gone without the anchor. If I wanted someone to hold me, my irrational thinking would have me at bars looking for danger. As old as I am, I know if I needed someone to comfort and hold me, my helium balloon would be at church doors when they open. I have enough rational thinking to know I cannot drink and I cannot fight or run fast, so I need to stay out of dangerous places. I do have my mustard seed faith though, and I do know that churches would be a place where I would be welcome, and I know the Escapee's RV Club dish out hugs constantly. I cannot make suggestions because it would be the blind leading the blind. I sincerely hope that the plan you mention that the doc has, I so do hope it works for you. We all need a reason to live..........just plainly, to live. I miss my Billy, but I do not need a warm body to hold me. All of our needs are so different, and what works for one would be a terrible failure for the next person. Myself, I cannot think of having someone else in my life, for one thing, they could not live up to the best. That would be so unfair to that person. And another, I honestly am ...............hard to say this, but I honestly am too old. But, I am not missing anything (except Billy). I know you want and need a reason to just take the next day on. I can hear that. I know that no one is going to come knock on my door (I would not let them in.) But, I also know if I crawl out of my igloo I have friends waiting for me. We all need the impetus to open the door. I hope your new doc has a plan you will/can accept. Your on my mind and in my heart. I know that does not substitute for the warm body, but if you compare the new warm body to the old warm body, it will never work. I would compare, it would not work, I am okay with this. I think everyone on the forum wants to help other people, we see they need help, damn, it is so helpless to just be human.

Butch, your family deserves joy so much and this makes me very happy for you. Your daughter-in-law and son deserve happiness and some peace of mind. Your family has needed you in so many ways and you have been there.

Brad, we all live for these "distractions." My granddaughter's school and her health have given me a five day week again, and I sit in the lounge of the school reading, waiting for her class to get out. Yes, she has social problems, we are working on them. And, like your school days, this is what I live for also and hope that she might make social adjustments where she can trust people again. And, those visits with therapists for her sometimes, along with her school fill up my time to where I don't have time to go wash clothes often enough. At 75, I have never been this busy, sometimes never been this tired, but it is a lifeline that we all need, even if we don't want it. I have to leave my igloo, but so does my granddaughter, and she needs it more than I do. We cope. We try to adjust, even when the daily grind has changes we never had before. I applaud your efforts. There is reason in the reasoning.

George we all follow each other's life now that we all grieve so terribly. Fifty-four years with the same man seems like a lifetime and for some of you on this forum, it is longer than your own life. I now feel fortunate to have had all those years. We had a stormy beginning and things that could have ruined most marriages. We hit a time when we could sit down and discuss our marriage, my revenge for the mental abuse and his finally opening up and admitting he knew he was doing it. What became of it all was a fine and perfect peace between two people that married as kids and grew up with our own kids, accepted all our frailties as husband, wife, and parents and grandparents. We developed a trust and love that was deeper than I ever thought possible. In his illness my 5 feet developed a super strength that I did not know was possible. But, he had an inborn dignity and ego that did not want me to do this and I wanted him to fight harder, but it was too advanced and I had to let him go, very stubbornly unwillingly. We both prepared for each other should one of us leave, although that was not really discussed, but if either left, we had a safety net for living, if not for the will to live alone. Thank you George. You and I both believe in prayer, and we all need God's perfect peace. You are truly a good man.

The men and women that wrote the poems, the books, death has touched all of them, all of us. I mentioned that I was able to conjure up my Billy, unfortunately not the human alive Billy, and I am again talking to him, just like he can hear me. I beg him to help me, but I know he cannot. Every time I take the trash out to the big dumpster I remember him saying "that's my job." He was the only one who knew how to run a dishwasher, he loved it, I won't use it. "That's his job." "One short sleep past, we wake eternally And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die." from "Death Be Not Proud" by John Donne. I am sure the authors from the 1600's and 1700's knew death as intimately as we do now. I was talking to a neighbor on the porch. A young man was with us. This older widow mentioned that she was ready to get back into the mainstream of things and asked me if I wasn't ready also. I have not known the young man long, but like my son, he answered for me. He said "no, she has had her one and only." We are not all the same. Some of you will find happiness again with another mate. You think that is the furthermost thought in your mind, and some will not, cannot. Maybe there is truth about one true love, maybe some might have more than one. I don't know, but I wish peace and happiness for those that it falls into their laps. I do have family and the good Lord knows, I hope I go before I lose another person. I have lost grandparents, uncles, aunts, close, very close cousins, father, mother, but none had the sting as losing my mate. It is hard to pull ourselves up from this quicksand of despair, sometimes we do not have the strength, sometimes we have no choice. I wonder sometimes if my mama was so unhappy and that is why she escaped into the poetry, Shakespeare, and the Bible. I grew up mixing them all. I wanted to go off into the deep woods with my bottle of 50 morphine, there seemed no reason to live. He was the dominant spirit, he was the loving parent, grandparent, and I was my mother and grandmother, shells of women that were.

So glad Kay. I hope your daughter is doing okay. Know she is having grief herself. Know you are enjoying yourself and Arlie has a pup to play with.

My heart has been frozen, or wax laden, but showing love like I used to do, being thoughtful of other people, I lack the ability to have that love. Circling around me somewhere is that feeling and my sister told me I needed to go see my dad's younger brother. He is nine years older than me, was a coach and principal for many years and after retirement was a city official, then had another job. He did not do it for the money, he liked working. One of the best looking men I have ever seen (can I say that about an uncle?), hey, I live in Louisiana. He married the college beauty, homecoming queen, perfect mate and they had perfect children with perfect grandchildren and great grandchildren. (Of course none of them thought they were perfect, but to me they seemed pretty damn close.) My uncle picked up as the patriarch of the family when my dad passed away. Kept in perfect physical condition, but somehow even perfect is not good enough. He has had two strokes, came out of both of them with minor irregularities. Slower somehow. (He was at the hospital gym for both strokes.) So, me in my igloo life was told by my sister to go see him. Okay, it has been a year since I saw him. Never saw their new home in the gated community they had built..........10 years ago. How wonderful am I? He always came to see me after any illness, having my children, has always been there. I visited the part of town we lived in for all my kids school years. Town/city has stretched out many miles and they lived off the same main drag we lived on but many miles out. My emotions have splatted all over the place. Nothing familiar, but my sweet uncle and aunt. One lesson learned. "No man is an island" no matter how hard we try to hide. (And, I know I will hear different.) I hate for the ice/wax to melt from around my heart, I have grown so tired of crying at coffee commercials, dog food commercials, weed-be-gone commercials. I left him with a book I used to read my dad when he was so sick. Laughter is wonderful medicine. This was written by Patrick McManus "They Shoot Canoes Don't They." Daddy had an infectious laugh, I would have to quit reading he and I would laugh so much. I think reading is one of my uncle's rehab exercises. The stories are short. I hope he can laugh with his wife. My heart is in my throat this week-end. I have a hiatal hernia, so it has room to fit in very cozy-like.

Oh Tom, they are having grief and I know they miss you, but they miss you and Susan. You, alone, makes them know Susan is gone, and it is something you face every moment of the day. I can sometimes now conjure up Billy's whole body, I can see him as he was. Still cannot see pictures. The first time I did this was in the bathroom and I told him, "Billy, you know I don't share bathroom time." Strange how this grief swells up at the most inopportune times. I see him in the clouds. I go outside on the porch of the apartments at night (which scares my granddaughter very much, she thinks "someone" will get me.) But the moon and the sky and clouds bring his memory, and it is sweet, sometimes bittersweet, but it is there. We will survive.......till we don't.

I have mentioned that my husband's lifelong friends, I found out were not mine also. I am also of the age that they hear the footsteps behind them that I hear and my husband heard. Sometimes we are reminders that we are all mortal. That does not sit well with some people. But do not be bothered by these people, it is very true that the lions do not worry about the opinions of the sheep. You have young children, I understand you to say. They are suffering also.. I know from my granddaughter, some people can be cruel. Even my husband's (and I thought my friends) do not worry me. I do not want to be a reminder of things to come. I mentioned one time my husband's cousin and his wife. She and I were very close and grew closer as our children grew. We were pregnant at the same time, but she had five children and I had two. She had her husband and two children die in accidents. We were at the funerals. Then she moved away. I had occasion to hear from a relative of Billy's and I called Mary, the cousin's widow. She was so happy to hear from me. We both cared deeply for each other for years, but we are both in our 70's. After years, she remarried and has a life in another state. The conversation was so sweet and friendly at first and then I heard the pain of hearing from me in her voice. I did not want to cause her pain and though she said we would talk and not lose touch with each other, I told Billy that we would not talk again. This was just before he got sick. He had lost another cousin and that was why I called her. I am a reminder of a happier time, and now that time is so painful for her to remember. Some old friends and relatives are like that. We all have our idiosyncrasies and where one thing helps one person, it bothers another. I'm sorry for your loss, but just remember, what you think of yourself is what counts, not your barking dog nutty neighbor. Tell her to turn the TV up. (I'm not trying to be insensitive to your neighbor (well, yes I am), but we do have to learn to ignore some meanness, and people are gonna always surprise us one way or the other.

I order my clothes, I have found some that I like from a "woman's" store online. Sometimes you can get them as cheap and cheaper than Walmart if you use certain codes offered, but some of my favorite clothes came from Goodwill. In fact, I have about six blouses/shirts that are the only ones I will wear if I want to get away from my Tee shirts. Strangely, they are all made by the same company, all different colors, all same style, and I love them. The thrift store in Mount Ida had pants for 50 cents and on sale days you could buy blouses and pants for half that price. Money went to the nursing home and they were all volunteer women that did all the work in the store. They had men's suits for $5. I would always give them a larger bill that required change and donate the change. Never could find clothes for me but found them for my son. Luckily, everything I buy for myself stretches. It has to.

Just my way of describing blonds, redheads, and I guess chocolate would describe brunettes (in my mind). (Everyone likes ice cream). Mama used to give us all "Little Abner" names, and of course I was always "Moonbeam McSwine," the one who lived with pigs. (I hate housekeeping and have never been neat.) I hesitate to use chocolate because it might be unpolitical. My redneck society possibly. But, crazy or insane, we use names we live with and lots of times they are not politically correct. I did notice that the UK dropped Fox because it somehow "poisoned the minds of conservatives and the elderly." Okay, that got my attention...........I had been labeled, and I cannot deny it, I am the elderly and I hate politics. (And I don't think we are to mention politics). Sorry, put the quote on bottom.

He is so cute, I believe his hair is getting lighter...............and what's up with the knee?

George, I need to lose 50 pounds, at least. Something in my head kept telling me all these years as long as I am not losing weight, maybe the cancer has not returned. Well, the length of time I have lied to myself is ridiculous. I've got to start back a walking regimen and the low residue diet can be fixed where it is not that fattening, but I sure have enjoyed ice cream and cheesecake. Time to quit or think about my heart. I admire you losing so much and know you feel so much better. Marita, the west coast of BC sounds wonderful although today is cool in North Louisiana with Harvey remnants jumping all over our two states. Poor Houston though. So many deaths in Katrina but so far the loss of life for the damage that has been done is low. Still, loss of life is grief for families and my heart is with them. I will just have to imagine a crispy BC day. George, when I had cancer, the reason they sent me to MD Anderson was because I was a young woman with an elderly woman's cancer. I won't tell you what I said about that. I understand your Dad's joke. I hope they bring it all under control.

I really should not have written. This is a grief forum and what I wrote kept my mind off my grief and magnified it at the same time. You know my situation and you and I both got out of dysfunctional families into a dysfunctional family of our own, more than once. So, we do what we can, we follow a path that sometimes is marked out for us and we learn to keep our mouth shut (some of us, not me). Yesterday was a bad day. I shared and then I figured I shared too much. No, I am not sure what to do. I know she is not prepared for life. Never had a date, which might be good except she has to learn life and sometimes a 75-year-old woman cannot meet an 18-year-old on their own grounds. We never fuss, she is very sweet, but was terribly bullied in school where the kids never moved in or out, same families for years, what I call vanilla kids. I cannot go into what all was said but even rocks were thrown. She was put into homeschool. You think you know prejudice, then you take a beautiful girl with slight Asian eye structure and you cannot imagine how mean other kids can be. She has exotic beauty and got along with the boys fine, the girls hated her. I remember when I was a kid, I grew up with a bunch of vanillas also, I was a strawberry though. I still was not bullied or made fun of. The worse that was said to me was "she's got freckles on her butt she is pretty." I cannot understand kids doing this to other kids. It was never done to me and with red hair and freckles you would have thought I would have been a target. I don't understand this world sometimes. But, again, I have said too much.

And, I am so afraid of swimming. I have real, terrible fear. Do you ever get to the point that when you are sharing that what you say is nothing more than a grain of sand. Sorry, I just deleted my bitching. Just let me say I am trying to steer a boat to the shore metaphorically, without a rudder, holding on to the sides. Sorry Marty, I just felt totally unimportant for awhile. You read faster than I can delete. I am trying my best to find help for her. Will see Friday how it goes. Psychopharmaceuticals sometimes make a person into someone they really are not.. I know, I have taken many. My daughter has diabetes from them right now and her little brain is fighting the teratomas and all the psycho-meds also. I just hope to keep my granddaughter off them. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and you can sure tell she is adopted because she does not have our typical craziness, but I don't know how to handle this and I won't quit trying. But, when I called the clinic this morning I learned I can no longer ask for help, it has to come from her, and I am hoping I can suggest and she will go along with it. I bleed family problems on here all the time and I know that there are some people on here who would love to have these problems to help them get their minds off our grief. Oh, the grief is still there, but the problem of life somehow overpowers it sometimes.

Maryann, glad you are safe. We have lots of flooding in north Louisiana, but nothing like Harvey and Katrina. Still, some of my friends had to evacuate around the lake below our town. They are just now getting back straight. Please be careful.

So glad she is safe. I know what Katrina did to Louisiana. So much suffering.