mlg

I too think it is great to be an organ donor but their are a lot of people who look at it like "cutting up their loved one" and they want them to be "whole". Tom was that way so as long as he was alive it did me no good because they respect the family's wishes and as long as there is one person who does not agree they won't do it. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need those parts and he wouldn't see me look any different but he couldn't get past it. We have to respect those people's feelings and pray that when the time comes what is right will be done. I think there is a reason that those on this website were the ones left behind and maybe yours was to try to help people understand the importance of organ donation. Mine and my girl's was to get people involved in helping find an early detection method for pancreatic cancer. Someone else's was the importance of a healthy heart. So let's not disappoint or loved one's let's keep trudging ahead, just like we have been, one foot in front of the other and make this world a better place. Mary Linda

I don't know about any of the rest of you but right now (almost 7 mos out) I'm feeling a little abandoned. Not by the people around me but by Tom. When he first died I swear I could feel the warmth of his hands going up and down my upper arm in a calming way when I was upset. I haven't felt that for quite a while now and wonder has he moved on; because I haven't. Then today a good friend of mine who lost his mom 4 days before Tom died sent me an e-mail with these two quotes in it. I had heard them before but sometimes we forget. It helped a little so thought it might help some of you too. When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly! 'The power of one sentence! God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in your favor. God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close. Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing... "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." – Gandhi Mary Linda

Vickie, what a lovely remembrance you have. I can imagine what that sunset looked like. What could have been a torturing day seems to have been peaceful and I'm glad that's the way it turned out for you. I hope you find some inner peace too. I'm sure Pat was sitting right there by you and will be close at hand forever. Mary Linda

Oh Wendy, I am so happy for you. Yes you know it may come back at any time but all we have is time so enjoy every moment as if it were the last and there will be no regrets. Sorrow maybe but no regrets. For now enjoy a good nights sleep. (Which by the way for the first time in over 6 months I realized I didn't wake up crying in the night at all last week so I guess that is progress for me) The post is about you though, but I had to share. I hope there will be many more negative PET scans. Mary Linda

You know the old saying,"Better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all". I think that saying is so true whether it be a spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend or pet. Without love in our lives where would any of us be? We are now developing a kind of "love" for each and every person that posts here. So to all those people who think we should get over it, ask them if they've ever lost something they love. If they haven't tell them you're happy for them but someday they'll unfortunately know what you are going through. Until then they just need to let us grieve the way we need to. Mary Linda

Just know that when you get those results tomorrow that I am sitting right next to you in spirit (as I'm sure all of us are). If you need a hand to squeeze go ahead and do it and remember we'll all be waiting here for you with our ((((hugs))). Mary Linda

You have let him know that you are there to talk with when and if he needs it. Now, I would back off a little and let him grieve. If he lived with her that long I am sure there are some feelings there especially if it was the drugs and not the person that caused the break up. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Think of it like losing your best friend in high school that you haven't seen for a long time. Just give him some time and hopefully he will turn to you or find the "materials" he needs to be able to handle it. I don't know if you are religious or not but a few prayers for understanding for both of you might help. Good luck and be patient. Keep coming back here because we'll all try to help. Mary Linda

Let them smoke that in their pipes. Good comment John. Only those of us who have gone through it know what is best. There are some who need more than this website and hopefully they will seek that help, but the people here have helped me more than anything else I have found. Even if you don't post, just reading other's posts help. Mary Linda

How true that song is Wendy. Thank you for sharing. I told my daughter that I can't believe how blessed I am to have found the "friend" I have on this website. It would be nice sometime if we could all figure out a central location and meet there, but with the price of things now that is probably cost prohibitive to many and I wouldn't want to leave anyone out who wanted to come. Thanks again Mary Linda

Jeanne, My friend read Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture" and so did her daughter. They say it is an easy read and has really helped them in this journey that we are all taking. Mary Linda

Kim, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I think most of us expect some distance from the in-laws once our loved one is gone because after all we weren't part of the "original" family, but the way she is treating you is terrrible. Some people just have to be the center of attention and you just have to let them go. Most people see right through it and see what fools they are making of themselves. Maybe if you sat down and wrote her a letter saying that you "appreciate" everything she did and you know how much she loved him and misses him. Also tell her you don't know what you did to upset her so,but you would appreciate it if she would quit emailing your daughter with such negativity about you. Tell her it is upsetting her and she stands the chance of turning her away and that would be another loss of part of her brother. Try to say things in a matter of fact and calm way rather than rebellious way even though it may be hard. Choose your words carefully. Let her know how much you loved her brother and how sad you think this situation would make him. By putting it down in writing you do not have to confront her and listen to her rage and maybe it will make her think about it. Also can you talk to the other sister with anger and see if she could say something because it hurts you so. Don't push her in the middle because it isn't her battle. Even though it has been a year you are still raw and the numbness is wearing off. I know I was very angry at certain people in my family because I didn't think they supported Tom or me during his illness, but then I realized bitterness only makes us ugly too and doesn't help anyone. Just take those baby steps. Also good luck with your event. I hope it goes well and the weather is good. I don't know if I could watch the video or not but it's only been 6 mos for me and I still have a hard time looking at pictures and videos. It makes me miss Tom so much, but each of us handles it the best way we know how. We are having a beer and wine tasting with the proceeds going for pancreatic cancer research near his birthday and I am sure there are many ways others have honored their loved ones ((((((Mary Linda)))))

I'm glad Leeann and I could help you. You are not airing dirty laundry. You are opening up to "friends". Maybe you can't see us but maybe that is easier for you. Keep telling us how you feel so maybe we can help more. I'm glad your back feels better too. I hope it continues because then maybe you would feel like you could get even a parttime job that may boost you even more. Good luck Mary Linda

My daughter has a friend who recently lost her father and she is very bitter. She isn't bitter about the death so much as she is that he didn't take better care of himself. He died relatively quickly (diagnosed with lung cancer and gone before 2 weeks was up). She is mad that he didn't lose weight, quit smoking, quit working so hard. She says it isn't that she misses him so much because she really never had a relationship with him because he was always farming. She's mad for the shape he left her mother in (not sure what that means because she has had some recent health issues). My daughter feels she is asking her for help, but Karen's situation with Tom was so different she doesn't quite know what to do or say. Any suggestions? Mary Linda

Teny, I realize that it probably already another day where you are and I hope so. It means that you made it through another day. I know I have felt a little better this week because I realized that every morning I got up and looked at our wedding picture and said "Another day without you". So now I try not to look at the picture until bedtime and my gut hasn't hurt so much. I still cry at night but at least the days are better. If you are doing something like this just try to vary your routine a little and maybe it will help. We will always miss them but hopefully we'll be able to at least walk down a small path without help. This group will help us down the big ones. Mary Linda

Kim, I think the only way you will be able to maintain your sanity is with baby steps. Some days you may have to go minute to minute and may gradually be able to think a day ahead, but if you look too much in to the future I think you'll be a basket case. Know that I will pray for you to be able to make it through all these hardships. Mary Linda

Vickie, I'm glad you shared Pat's story with us. He was so brave. I hope you will still be able to go back to that little town that you both loved and have some happy memories there. Mary Linda

Vickie, You aren't weak and needy, you are a human being who loved someone with all your heart. It's like cutting off all your limbs and you would miss them because of all the things they help you do. We all have these giant holes in our hearts and we just have to wait out the time that this hole will fill in with memories and love for others. I think we'll always have some grief but hopefully there will come a time that we can remember more of the good things and not concentrate on our loss. Right now I am still to raw to look through many pictures because it makes me feel my loss, but I know it helps others. That is what is so great about all of the people in this group. We know that each of us walks to a different beat and we accept that. We may offer suggestions but you have to decide which dance is best for you. Please keep reaching out to us because by helping you it is also helping us feel needed again. Mary Linda

Vickie, I have a friend who recently "celebrated" (if you want to call it that) her one year anniversary. She said the anticipation was much worse than the actual day. Then there are some who say the second year is worse than the first because you are so numb the first year. It just shows that there is no NORMAL in this journey. Sherry and I go to the same grief support group and at first it was really hard and I could hardly say anything without my eyes filling with tears and my voice cracking. Now even though we are only 7mos and 6 mos out we are the "old" ones of the group and can now help some of the newer ones. There are some that have been going for over a year who will thank some of the new ones for their help and now many of us have become friends. I hope you can find the same thing. It really helps. I hope you will continue to post here because hopefully there will be one of us that can help you through the problem you're having at the time. Mary Linda

Rhonda I too am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did the best you could in the situations you were in at the time. No one likes to see someone get divorced but sometimes the situation just calls for it to protect you or someone else from harm. You still tried to keep you ex as part of yours and your daughter's lives which is very commendable. I don't know if you noticed or not but there are forums on this site for teens and for those who lost a parent. Maybe just writing down her thoughts would help your daughter also. Everyone here is wonderful to lend an open ear and you NEVER have to worry about what you say because nothing is too large or small. Hopefully there will be someone who has gone through a similar situation and may be able to help you. Just take it a baby step at a time. If you have to take it minute by minute and work up to day to day and beyond. Good luck and God bless you. Mary Linda

Mark I am so glad you found this site and I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. The people hera are so wonderful and supportive. Like you , Tom & I had a wonderful almost 37 years together. We did everything together so everything from doing disnes to the yard brings back memories at first and you cry all the time. The last time I mowed was probably the first time I made it completely through without crying and I was mowing every 2-3 days this spring. The last 6 mos have bee H---. I can't really tell you it is going to get better at this point because there are days that I feel I am wors than before. For some reason I am getting the "guilts" off and on now. I am a nurse and wonder did I miss something in the beginning that may have made a difference (He had pancreatic cancer), wny couldn't I find a way to tell when his pain was going to come so he could take something at the right time to help (but it would come so suddenly and leave within about 20 minutes for the most part so the medicine couldn't help) and other little things like this are driving me crazy. I always told him and tried to show him daily how much I loved and appreciated him,but did he really know. I always thought so but now I really need to know. There are some things that are a little easier because work takes my mind off of it, but like you I sit and look at an empty room and night and the tears flow. Please keep coming to this site and let us know what you are feeling and how you are doing. There are lots of (((((hugs))))) here. Mary Linda

My youngest daughter will always treasure the last day Tom's mom was with us. All day long she talked about going to a party and that her mom and dad were there and she and Matt (her husband) were going to dance. She really didn't seem to know people in the room like she had but asked them to help her put on her make up and do her nails for the party. When they called us to say that she had slipped away, the first thing Karen said was now she's at her party dancing with grandpa. Two years later she still feels that was the neatest thing. Mary Linda

I don't know how I have missed this conversation over the last couple of days. So many of you have hit the nail on the head, but something Wendy said is especially true. Even now, knowing how the comment sometimes hurts me I'll ask a friend, "How are you doing?". I'm not trying to be trite but I'm trying to give them an opening to express themselves to someone who might understand a little better. Really, let's be honest what words don't hurt when someone is trying to ask us that. I have a friend who one day asked me how I was doing and she was so surpirsed when I replied that it wasn't such a good day, but that she could understand that. She looked at me strangely and I said that she had basically gone through the same thing. (Her husband had walked out on her after almost 40 years of marriage) So really there are people in this world going through "grief" at times whose loved one hasn't died yet and they have still have to face them sometimes and I'm sure that hurt comes runnning back. Also like I think it was Ann C said, just because you are no longer married doesn't mean you don't have feelings. That happened to me this morning I saw someone I work with whose ex had died recently. I called her aside and told her I knew that they were no longer married but I knew after all the years they had been married and the children that they had, that she too had to be sad. She acknowledged that she was and said she was so glad that I had said something. I hope I have helped someone in some way but wanted to say that people don't always want to hurt us. Even I wrote the other night because I had been so hurt and I spoke with someone close to me today and she said she didn't think the person meant to hurt me with her actions but she just doesn't know how to help me and thought her action might help. So even though it hurt me deeply I guess her actions were given in the proper spirit. Mary Linda

I thought of something else that might help your back. You don't give your age and it you are young it may sound stupid, but the last time I was bad enough to have physical therapy on my back they wanted me to use a cane or walker for a while. Being a "young 58" at the time I resisted. In early June I again hurt my back at the ripe old age of 60 and knew that I couldn't get down since I am now by myself, so I pulled out my grandma's walker and it has really helped. This is the first week that I haven't used it at all because longer walks like a block or so would make it feel strained. I even used it to walk laps in Relay for Life. You might be amased. Just if you borrow one from someone else and it hasn't been fitted to you try to find someone to help you fit it to you because otherwise you can get your shoulders out of "wack" too. If you need help post and I'll try to walk you through it. Good luck. Mary Linda

Since you say that you have had blood tests, I hope one of them was for diabetis. A lot of these symptoms are associated with that. Ask your Dr. if he tested you for it. I feel your pain with your back since I have had 2 surgeries. You don't realize what all you use your back muscles for (like brushing your teeth). I pray that you will soon feel better and be able to enjoy life. Is there a job that you are qualified for that you could do from home? I know a lot of businesses have transcription, accounting, and other things that they will at least let you work parttime at home. Good luck. Mary Linda

Karen, There you were yesterday in your own grief and yet you gave me loving words and a "hug". I am glad that you feel you are doing better and it gives me hope. I hope the new path you are taking in life will be a fulfilling one. Thank you again for your love to me and I hope it is returned a hundred fold. Mary Linda