Patty65 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Hi Marg, I think one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn in this lifetime is overcoming guilt, except at this point - that old dog new tricks thing -- I'm not sure I can anymore. There are times a while back when with my therapist I could clearly see that Ron's fight was over well before we knew he was sick, and in those moments I can agree to the concept of not feeling guilty because of that. It is awfully hard to hold on to. And yes, absolutely Marg, all of us here, our hurt is as much the same and as it is different, as intense... if someone has their leg amputated at 20 versus 70, it is cruel and harsh and as intense and devastating at either age. Only with us, it is our hearts that have been amputated. We are left with the intense pains of a phantom, broken heart. Patty 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Not much chance for a prosthetic heart is there? 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 On 09/22/2016 at 10:20 PM, scba said: Patty, I understand too because I look at couples and I think why this happened to us. I still find hard to be around couples or listening about couple's stories without feeling a punch in my heart. I really wish this feeling will vanish with time. If I have to live, I want to live without feelings of envy or resentment. It is very hard to fake that I am just fine with couples around, on top of so many other feelings of grief. I also get that punch in my heart seeing other couples. I am also hoping that some day that will fade. It doesn't feel good being an onlooker. You remember so clearly what that used to feel like and want it again so bad. I know people say be grateful for having had it at all, but honestly, I just want it back....Cookie 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Cookie you may always think twice when you see couples, especially when they behave as if they were in love. I see couples that you almost don't know if they are really couples. (You know what I mean). Those don't bother me a bit. Early on my journey couples in love hit me pretty hard. In my case as we are all different, I wanted to go up to them and let them know how precious their time together is and how fleeting it might be. The point is that you will always react to the sight but you won't always (mind you I say always) be filled with regret. Right now it makes you feel a little more lonely right? Drives home the reality of what you don't have? I find that after I had lost my time as part of a happy couple, I tried to imagine myself as a happy single. Now that takes imagination but I don't have the second part of a couple any longer so what the hell. I think sometimes that the reason I can walk around with a smile on my face out and about with couples is that I feel like she might be walking with me. Maybe like a rabbit named Harvey only I don't talk out loud to her in public. OOh I just thought maybe I am going mad and that's how I cope. If it's true.............. please... don't tell me. Seriously though. There are times I too I just want it back. Just never gonna happen. Not in this life time anyway. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 2 hours ago, Cookie said: I also get that punch in my heart seeing other couples. I am also hoping that some day that will fade. It doesn't feel good being an onlooker. You remember so clearly what that used to feel like and want it again so bad. I know people say be grateful for having had it at all, but honestly, I just want it back....Cookie Cookie, I know you want that feeling back. We all do. We had that special someone that made our heart beat faster, that made us feel loved unconditionally and who made our life so much better. We were a couple. We felt special. But the truth is, we will never have that same feeling again. Finding your true soul mate is once in a lifetime. You mentioned about feeling grateful that we did find our soul mate, but it simply isn't enough. Of course it's not. We want them to be by our side, in our arms and holding them tight. Sadly, we can't have that. All we have are those memories of what our life with them was like. For me, I am grateful that Tammy chose me to be her husband. That we had the time we had together. It wasn't enough. And living alone without her is painful as hell. It's lonely. It's depressing. It feels so empty. But would I want to have lived a life that didn't include Tammy in it? Of course not. So, I just live this life the best I can. Bouncing from the present to the past in my mind. Smiling one moment and bawling my eyes out the next. Sleeping and waking up with the hope that somehow this was all a nightmare and Tammy will be in bed beside me where she belongs. And then realizing it's another day without her. All we can do, is try our best. Our lives aren't easy in any way. I live my life with the feeling that somehow some way, Tammy is with me. And that she's waiting for the time that we can be with each other again, for all eternity. That's how I'm able to stand upright and not live my life curled up in a ball. Mitch 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 There are times that I feel lonely, but sometimes I don't feel so alone. Does not make sense? I have told myself so much his saying "I am you and you are me" and it kind of feels like it is true. Of course, he is not there when I need him the most, but somehow I have made it through some times where my body tingled all over from the nerves, the being tired, lack of sleep, thinking I was not going to make it, but somehow I always do.. I have been to the point that I thought "oh what the hell" whatever is gonna happen will happen. And it does or it does not. And Steve, I talk to him now even if people are around. What can they do? At least they won't bump in to me, they steer clear. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 It bothers me that couples live as if there's no tomorrow and seem to think this will never happen to them. They don't stop and consider how it's impacted me or that it could have just as well been them. Sunday our pastor's wife made the statement that if he died she'd have to go on without him. Someone said "Don't even say that, we don't want to lose him!" She'd said it so glibly, and of course in total ignorance of what it's like to live without the one you love. She still has her parents, siblings, children, etc.. That's just it, others have no clue what our lives are like now. I probably have too MUCH of a relationship with my dog and cat, but who care?! They like it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 Quote Sunday our pastor's wife made the statement that if he died she'd have to go on without him. Someone said "Don't even say that, we don't want to lose him!" She'd said it so glibly, and of course in total ignorance of what it's like to live without the one you love. Kay it's true, people have absolutely no idea how hard it is to live this life alone. But, it's more than that. I contend that are are many couples out there living together or married who just aren't soul mates to begin with. They have a different type of relationship on a different level than what we had with our partners. Maybe the reality is, for those individuals, it won't be so hard to "go on". 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Happy Birthday Patty !!!! .z 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Happy Birthday little lady. Wishing you peace and happiness today and if you can only have one let it be peace. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Patty, you and I are two days apart, I turned 64 on the 7th. Guess that makes me an older woman, haha! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Dear Patty ~ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Happy birthday, Patty. I think I am the oldest lady...77. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Happy Birthday Patty. Shalom 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 I hope you find some semblance of peace today Patty. It is just another number, a number we all count down on here for different things. I want to wish you a happy birthday, but I would prefer it if you had a peaceful day. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Thank you guys - I have had tears flowing since before I got out of bed. But I really feel your love and support and will carry that with me today. Much love, Patty 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Patty, May your tears dry and be replaced with the many wonderful memories you shared with Ron. Happy Birthday, my sweet friend. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Dear Patty.... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Missed Pattys AND Kays birthdays. Bad me! Wishes for you both that they are kind days to you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 10, 2016 Report Share Posted October 10, 2016 Kay, I did not mean to miss your birthday. Honestly, my mind is just not right, but guess you know it. I went to the washateria and washed three loads of clothes. Hung everything up and at 9:00 tonight I got to thinking "where was all our underwear and sleeping stuff?" I went back over there, at dark, was not scared and there was a washer full of my clothes, so I had to wait and dry them too. The worse things anyone can say to me is "Do you remember......, and where is my ............. My mind just completely shuts down when those two things are asked. Anyhow, Happy Birthday, Peaceful Day to anyone I have forgotten. Almost a year now and my mind is not a bit better. But, there is always the possibility I did remember and just forgot I remembered. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 10, 2016 Report Share Posted October 10, 2016 Happy birthday Patty...Namaste 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 10, 2016 Report Share Posted October 10, 2016 I decided to join AAA today. I spoke to a very nice woman on the phone. She asked me my marital status. I said "widowed", to which she replied, "single". I said "no, no, widowed". She did not have that option, but really tried to be nice. She said she would just put down "married". I told her I did not want single. It is something none of us want. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted October 11, 2016 Report Share Posted October 11, 2016 Gin, Legally we are "single" even though emotionally we still feel married to our soul mate. I remember seeing my first pay stub (after going back to work) and seeing my status listed as "single" and getting a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mean, we know they are gone but seeing that single word in print hammers the point home like a dagger to your heart. Patty, although I know how difficult that day was I hope you found some sense of peace on your birthday. Mitch 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 11, 2016 Report Share Posted October 11, 2016 It does hit us when we have to check single, esp. since we were happily married a short time before and neither of us did anything to end it, it was just taken from us. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted October 11, 2016 Report Share Posted October 11, 2016 I'm sorry I missed your birthdays Kay and Patty. Hope your special day was a pretty good one considering. Sorry the wishes are so late (but was a little busy with the hurricane and then no power). Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now