love randy

[Margm]

Now that I look back, I should have given all his fishing things to his nephew.  He would have liked that.  I sometimes wonder though, in the long run of our marriage, I had been sick to the point of dying twice.  I think he got the 23 foot RV because I think he realized I was going to go first.  I just wonder what he would have kept of mine.  I never was one to care about "things."  I have no special housekeeping skills or any wall hangings that are necessary to carry with him.  When I look back now, the only  regrets I have are not giving the fishing equipment to his nephew and the last week before he passed away, especially the morning he passed away.  

The urn, I put my hands on its polished wood often, but I don't feel him there.  Before our daughter's surgery this week, I felt/saw him for an instant 2-3 nights.  He had visited me the night of his death, or the night afterward sitting on the foot of the bed. I felt/saw him standing beside me once.  Gone as fast as the instant I saw him.  I think there are times that I need to see him and maybe I manufacture him.  I think he was letting me know he was with her.

Billy cannot fish anymore here on earth, the things I gave away he had no use for anymore, my family could not use them, I could not use them.  He was a collector of animal "calls" and they are in a beautiful glass covered cabinet you hang on the wall.  I kept them.  

Some of his clothes, the coats, I kept some and gave to the thrift store more than I kept.  Our children bought them as presents.  Some still had the tags on them.  He never wore them..  

I am reading Shirley Jones' autobiography.  It was written before her husband passed away.  She lost two husbands.  They were both bipolar.  Billy passed on the 17th of October, Shirley Jones' husband passed on the 21st.  She is an older woman now also.  You were together so many years, we were together so many years.  We have lost ourselves, and like after a tornado, we have to sift through this wreckage that is our own bodies and find what is left.  My heart is with you. 

[kayc]

Kay, not Marg here.  But it is so true...still, we FEEL like we're losing part of them when we sell their car, donate their clothes, etc.  It FEELS like we're undoing the life that we had, and we're not, we could never do that!

[WolfsKat]

On 10/12/2016 at 2:54 PM, Marg M said:

Marty, I do not think I have a writing talent, I am just wordy.  You would be surprised, in person, I am fairly quiet.  But thank you so much for the compliment.

Not so, Marg.....you DO have a "voice".....and, some of the "best" writers can be quite introverted in the "real" world!  My mother became a writer for a newspaper in my hometown when she was a young thing of 80 years old.....she wrote a regular column, that we, her family, STILL receive wonderful comments of, even 1 year after her crossing over at the age of 93........she was so very proud of this, as we were......and most of her columns were about her thoughts and reflections of her life......I am still so very very proud of her for what she accomplished with her column!!!!!

[Brad]

1 hour ago, WolfsKat said:

My mother became a writer for a newspaper in my hometown when she was a young thing of 80 years old.....she wrote a regular column, that we, her family, STILL receive wonderful comments of, even 1 year after her crossing over at the age of 93........she was so very proud of this, as we were......and most of her columns were about her thoughts and reflections of her life......I am still so very very proud of her for what she accomplished with her column!!!!!

What a treasure to have.  Each of us has such a legacy and yet so seldom is it shared with younger generations.  Both sets of my grandparents had such amazing histories and yet I never got to hear them retold.  It has only be in the research I've done in my adulthood that I've received a mere glimpse.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

...I am still so very very proud of her for what she accomplished with her column!!!!!

My grandmother wrote a column for the Bossier Parish newspaper and they use some of her writings in college courses.  She wrote from the age of 14, a weekly column until she was 84.  I know you are proud of your mother.  My grandmother wrote a book of her life they use also, but it was written for her grandchildren.  She does not write passionately, she writes very matter-of-fact, "just stating the facts, mam."  My sister is a published poet.  They were all above my head and I don't think they are even in publication now.  Might be.  She teaches writing in college.  . 

[missing]

I think life is getting a little easier. It's been 3 month's 11 days. I don't cry as much as before. When I do it still feels like my Heart is broke and there deep heart wrenching sobs. I still miss him so much . And am ready to go home as soon as GOD calls me. MY life still has no meaning.  And I am so very lonely. Thou I can't see myself with anyone else. I do miss the companionship .  I hate asking anyone for help. I haven't had to do that in over 30 years.  Just the little things that Randy  done. Changing a light bulb, Taking the air conditioner  out. And Checking the Fluids in the car. I guess I didn't realize all the little thighs he done. maybe I should have appreciated him more. I sure hope he knew that I did.  The kids and Grandkid's were over Saturday to watch the Michigan, Michigan State game. ( Go Blue ). They never did that when Randy was Alive  WHY????????????????????.     I miss you So very much It HURT'S    

 Forever Ruth

[rdownes]

Oh Ruth can so relate and understand the loneliness is so hard that saying don't know what you had till it's gone is so true at least for me we never expected this and we all thought we would have more time but I guess we were blessed to have the time we did though sometimes it is easy to forget that, I relied on Kevin for everything and now things just don't get fixed I am sure your kids and grandkids had they known that Randy would not be around would have watched the game with him you take for granted that that person will be there so you always think there is a tomorrow unfortunately for some of our families that tomorrow will never come againand it hurts beyond words, sometimes it takes a loss to make people appreciate what they have unfortunately in alot of ways it has brought me and my children closer but our family link is broken now. Hold on to Randy's love I bet he was there for game night saying (Go Blue) right along with you all. I wish there was something I could say to ease the hurt but I know I can't take away your pain just know you are not alone hugs

[WolfsKat]

3 hours ago, missing said:

I sure hope he knew that I did.

Ruth.....I am sure that he knew......just as I'm sure that he appreciated everyday things that you did for him, although not verbalized!  You are still early in your grief journey.....and already you say you do feel that life is a little bit easier, that's a good thing!  It truly does get somewhat easier.....or at least the acute pain eases enough so that we can function. It is HARD to "do life" alone.....hard to want to live on at times....all one can do is get through each day as best as we can manage, and have some hope that our life, without them, will become "livable" again. I'm glad that the kids/grandkids came over for the game......as it shows you do have family near, and that they wanted to spend that time with you. Be kind to yourself, and please know that you are not alone in feeling this way!

[Marie Lee]

Hi Ruth, It's a tough road we travel....lonely too, even though we can be surrounded by family and friends.

For me, at times, it feels like no one really cares about me, our life, like he did..he and I did...

I too have realized how much Kev did that I took for granted.

I wish he were here to hold, touch, feel, kiss...to tell how much I love him.

I tell him in my Mind all the time...I constantly look at all our pics on the wall from our years together...

There Is a void in me that will always be. One day I guess it might not be as prominent...

You are surrounded by friends who can relate and don't judge, a rarity in today's world...

Tomorrow our granddaughter turns 6 mos.. Nov 12 th marks 5 mos since I lost Kev in a tragic car accident. It almost seems with  every up...there is a greater doewn coming right behind it....

Much love, Marie

[kayc]

On 11/1/2016 at 0:29 AM, missing said:

I think life is getting a little easier. It's been 3 month's 11 days. I don't cry as much as before. When I do it still feels like my Heart is broke and there deep heart wrenching sobs. I still miss him so much . And am ready to go home as soon as GOD calls me. MY life still has no meaning.  And I am so very lonely. Thou I can't see myself with anyone else. I do miss the companionship .  I hate asking anyone for help. I haven't had to do that in over 30 years.  Just the little things that Randy  done. Changing a light bulb, Taking the air conditioner  out. And Checking the Fluids in the car. I guess I didn't realize all the little thighs he done. maybe I should have appreciated him more. I sure hope he knew that I did.  The kids and Grandkid's were over Saturday to watch the Michigan, Michigan State game. ( Go Blue ). They never did that when Randy was Alive  WHY????????????????????.     I miss you So very much It HURT'S    

 Forever Ruth

I take my car to the dealership for oil changes and they always check all the fluids and top them off and check the brakes, belts, etc.  It's worked out well for me.

Is there a neighborhood handy man that you could call for things like the A/C, cleaning the gutters, etc.?  I have a neighbor that I pay to do some of those little things, it's a relief to me and well worth it!

Maybe the kids and grandkids were over because they are concerned about you.  They didn't have to worry about you or your husband before because you had each other.  This has opened their eyes.

I know how hard it is...the hardest thing in the world.  (((hugs)))