A New Year

[Gwenivere]

New Years wasn't a holiday that meant much to us for a long time.   All I ever did was get out the new calendars to put up, marking one with birthdays and such.  Of course Steve's is always marked too.  I thought I was doing OK today until I got home.  This may sound weird, but I wish it were the first New year since Steve passed in 2014.  I was in shock, but that isn't the reason.  I hate turning over the date to another year I know I will have to face without him.  There was something comforting about being closer to his presence in my life.  I'm not feeling less love, if anything more and so far away from him now.  The deep longing to talk to him again and endless nights alone are mounting.  A little over 2 years ago I didn't know how bad the loneliness could be.  So now the holiday means something to me, but not in a good way at all.  It's a quirky twist this was our date night for dinner out every week.  It's also going to snow so we would have loved getting home and snuggled in together for the night.  I'd rather be missing him a couple of months than 26.  I never expected this overwhelming desire to go back to a time I thought was horrible but now realize it was the being closer to his presence.  I don't want to spend another day without him, much less a year.

[mik]

I am so sorry your feeling that way.  This is the first New Year's I have had to deal with LC's passing.  I hope that as next years holidays and the New Year approach that it will be just a bit better than the first.  I do understand how you see this...I think the memories are clearer and the distance from our loved ones is shorter. LC passed away in July.  I am most grief stricken now as I was the day he died.  I wish that the holidays had never come, and hope that I never have to experience this sadness and loneiness again.  I pray to God that he will ease my pain and grief in the coming months and years so that I can function and begin to remember all the wonderful times we shared.  Right now I cannot even bear to be around his pictures, his belongings, almost anything that reminds me of him and causes me so much anguish.  I understand though how you feel.  The closer in time you are the more real he remains.  I lost someone just as much as I loved LC to cancer before meeting LC.  The time does blur some memories, however it also eases the pain so that you can also see some of the beautiful moments you shared with them.  Perhaps that will happen to you also.  What I do know is losing someone who is so precious to us is one of the most difficult experiences to go through.  What I wouldn't give to have LC and Dragon back with me again. My only solace is that I know that they are now at peace, content, and watching over me everyday.

[rdownes]

Gwen I definitely know how you feel everyday feels like one step farther away from the last time we heard there voice, held them close, laughed with them it just makes there absence more real and hard, I bet Steve would love to be there to snuggle on a snowy night, last night I went to bed by 11 felt no desire to watch another new year roll in  all I could do was think of a new year of heartache and pain, but hopefully a few more smiles will creep in, I think we all yearn for those yesterday's with them and I guess we will till our time comes unfortunately that seems to be our life now I hope that this New Year brings all of us on this long hard road alittle peace and more good than bad days.

[kayc]

I don't think it gets better with time...we get better at dealing with it perhaps, but the missing them goes on and on and on.  If anything, as Gwen said, it feels harder for me this many years out than it did the first year...maybe because I know now how life is without him, maybe because the longer I go without him, the more I miss and crave him.  If I'm obsessed, I can't seem to help it.  It's not that I try to focus on the past, to the contrary, I do my best to stay in the present...but that present notices his absence regardless of what's going on in my life.

[KarenK]

I started this year on a bad note. I had a nightmare that ended with a hateful look and comment from Ron and me in tears. It felt so real that I was almost crying when I woke up. In a way, it was a representation of our last few years.  It is a sad thing to say. It hurts, just as it did then. It seems the older and more ill he became, the meaner he was.  I want to dream of he man I married, not the one I buried.

I hope this is not a precursor of things to come this year. I no longer look forward to each new year wondering what wonderful things might happen, but rather what tragedy will befall me and my family. It is a lousy way to live. I have a bad attitude. Life's experiences have tutored me well.

[scba]

Karen, I think I have a bad attitute too about the new year. I told a friend that I expect nothing and that I have no wishes to make. She was startled. But I ment it. My wish could be something like I don't want to suffer anymore. Then she told me that I had dreams that still could come true, regardless my loss. I said it was not possible cause those dreams had a purpose if shared with my man, without him they are like activities or distractions or investment. I don't dream with a house anymore. I don't care to buy a car. It is fine If I don't move to Paris to live and work for a couple of months. I wanted all, but with him. I don't have desires, my projects have the purpose to make time pass by.

When he was dying I asked God to take all of my dreams and leave him in my life. I told Him I would give up to anything. He seem to have taken both (sorry to offend, I'm still angry at Him)

[AB3]

Scba, I totally can relate to what you're saying. All the dreams I had, all the goals I wanted to accomplished involved him and now I'm lost. I can no longer focus on those things in which were once so important to me because it doesn't make sense without him nor does it feel good anymore. Also, there's nothing wrong with being angry.....as I've done the same as you and what a let down this is.....

[Margm]

I too have a bad attitude and that word enthusiasm, it is gone, and that word happiness, it is gone too.  Sometimes I feel a tiny bit of peace, but it does not last long.  I really feel so old since he left and never felt that way when he was here.  I just have some things I have to do and afraid I won't get to complete them because I feel so old.  I never worried about my knees, my legs, my hips, a cane, a walker a wheelchair or a nursing home.  Still not ready for any of them but they loom over my head and I really do have miles to go before I sleep.  Don't need any more stress for sure.  My mom died in August and I keep forgetting it.  What kind of person does that?

[KATPILOT]

A person who lost the single most important person in their lives.

[KATPILOT]

Marg if you recall I lost my dad five months after Kathy died. I loved that man dearly but my focus was so strong for the most important love of my life. There came a time much later when his loss caught up with me. Be easy with yourself Luv.

[WolfsKat]

Marg.....you don't "forget".......it's just that the loss of our "other half" is the cruelest grief to bear, I think.  I lost my brother, then my Mum within months of one another, and the grief was huge....then in the same year, I lost my beloved husband Connor......and THIS loss was the one that brought me to my knees!!!!  I could bear the loss of brother/mother because I had Connor to comfort me and uplift me.  And while we love our family members, usually they are not a part of our day to day life like a mate is.....we can lose a parent and still not be alone.....when we lose our mates, for many of us.....we are now very alone, perhaps for the first time in our lives!

[Guest]

Oh, so very true WolfsKat. About being alone, that is. I was blessed by my high school sweetheart when I was about 20 yrs. old. While I was in Southeast Asia during that Vietnam "thing" she sent me a "Dear John" letter. That devistated me at the time. I swore I'd never give anyone a chance to hurt me the way that event did. But even if the girl didn't know it, she did me a huge favor by breaking it off with me. My path would most certainly never have crossed with my wife's the way it did. My bachelorhood lasted until I met my wife when I interviewed for a job. She was the front desk mgr at a motel i was applying for a nite auditor's job at. She hired me in Oct. 1974, and she's still my boss. Between the dear john letter and the job interview I spent 6 years of holding out for the right one. I spent 2/3's of my life married to my gal, and now i'm alone...again. Just like it is with everyone else, there will always be an emptiness where she was for so deliciously long. She was my first attempt at marriage, and it will be my only attempt. Does it make me a monster to say that I don't even want another? I would just rather be alone with all my memories of the wonderful life I had with Cookie, my wife. The alone part isn't exactly a bowl of strawberries, but I'm okay with it.

Darrel

[kayc]

On 1/1/2017 at 11:08 AM, KarenK said:

I started this year on a bad note. I had a nightmare that ended with a hateful look and comment from Ron and me in tears. It felt so real that I was almost crying when I woke up. In a way, it was a representation of our last few years.  It is a sad thing to say. It hurts, just as it did then. It seems the older and more ill he became, the meaner he was.  I want to dream of he man I married, not the one I buried.

I hope this is not a precursor of things to come this year. I no longer look forward to each new year wondering what wonderful things might happen, but rather what tragedy will befall me and my family. It is a lousy way to live. I have a bad attitude. Life's experiences have tutored me well.

Oh Karen, my heart goes out to you.  When we aren't well it can affect us, I'm sure he didn't intend to treat you as he did, but probably caught up in not feeling well...sometimes we treat those we love the most...the worst.  Why?  Because we're more sure of their love, we don't worry about driving them away, we don't have to try and be nice to them like we do to strangers.  It's wrong, it's sad, but it happens sometimes.

Try to realize he loved you and because of his medical condition, he wasn't treating you as he'd wish to.  I'm sorry that was your experience, it's hard to erase.  My only advice would be to realize you didn't deserve that, and remember the love and consideration he gave you earlier.

[kayc]

22 hours ago, scba said:

When he was dying I asked God to take all of my dreams and leave him in my life. I told Him I would give up to anything. He seem to have taken both (sorry to offend, I'm still angry at Him)

I don't think He barters with us.  I was praying for my husband when he died.  It's okay to feel anger, it's part of our grief response.  Our anger may or may not have any relation to reality, but is a response to how we feel...how we feel is neither good nor bad, it is just...how we feel.  It's an emotional response to life (or death) around us.
I understand your not feeling your dreams anymore...it's harder to "want to" when our incentive is gone.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

while we love our family members, usually they are not a part of our day to day life like a mate is.....we can lose a parent and still not be alone.....when we lose our mates, for many of us.....we are now very alone, perhaps for the first time in our lives!

This is what I am experiencing.  Never in my life have I been alone.  People that disappeared from my life were painful, but I had him always to turn to.  Now with him gone there is no one that can comfort me as only he could.  It is that 24/7 connection.  People don't get it.  Yah, I talk to people, I interact, I carry on and solve problems that come up.  But in the dark of night, when I am aching from loneliness because I can't turn to him and say anything and get a reply, that is ultimate cold solitude.

[kayc]

I so understand what you're feeling Gwen, it's kind of my existence.  One of the hardest realities of losing our soul mate is this incredible feeling of being alone in our journey through life.  I can talk to George all I want but that doesn't get me a physical answer...I do know how he'd answer if he could though, and that helps.

[Gwenivere]

I can totally relate, Kay.  There are so many things I do during my day I can here things he used to say.  What I miss are the new ones he'd have come up with.  But I still hear his comments and teases in my head.  After reading Amy's blog, I got sad as she talked about all the things he hasn't been able to see since he left.  That is always hard.  There are things I will never know what he would have said in those cases.  Only imagination is left to on those and he was one that usually exceeded anything I can make up on my own, even knowing him as I did.  Sometimes I feel I little ridiculous because I hear the old things and still relate,y to them in my head.  Again, the huge amount of little things that created a wonderful 'whole'.

[Marie Lee]

Gwen..the huge amount of little things created...a wonderful whole....so, so true...hugs, Marie

[Margm]

In my crazy mind I got angry with my mom for being sick, for dying and taking my time of grieving away from Billy.  I was actually angry at her.  Sometimes either we are strung too tight or flying in the wind.  

As an addendum, my mom's hospice nurse (who all must be real angels) gave me a book on grief.  It is said that nearly everyone gets angry at God.  Like my Grandfather cursing him.  If you get angry at him, you must believe in him, or there would be no entity to get angry at.