The Start Of Year Two

[Guest]

Well, fiddlesticks! Today begins year #2. It's an anniversary I will never like, but it will always be that alligator in the room that I'll always have to acknowledge. I spent pretty much every day last year dreading the evenings, and hating the nights. I actually dreaded the thought of going to bed at night. No matter how tired I would feel or think I was, more often than not when I turned the bedside lamp off and got into my sleeping position my eyes would snap open and I would be wide awake. I never have been any good at making myself go to sleep. And I ran out of the sleeping pills I was able to get for several months. So I would usually just give into not being ready to go to sleep yet and get back up, and get occupied doing something. 

My main new year's resolution is to somehow find my new bliss. What it's going to be or consist of is something I have absolutely no clue to yet. But I am tired of moping around. Enough is enough. I so badly want to be able to swing my legs off the bed in the mornings after a decent night's rest with a smile on my face instead of a frown, actually feeling like I have a reason to get up off the bed. My wife knows that I will always love and miss her, and that I would never do anything that would dishonor her. I know she doesn't begrudge me this need for some kind of happiness. I've always liked a good mystery. Now I have my own mystery to solve...what the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life now that it's starting to matter again?

In a past life my wife had to have been either a fish or a mermaid. She loved the ocean. No matter how bad she would feel in 2015, she never felt to bad to take a drive down to Galveston island. I could wheel her out to the car in her wheelchair, load her into the car, drive down to the island and park in her favorite spot at the edge of the seawall right at the water's edge, and she would just sit there listening to the waves slapping up against the seawall, and look so happy and tranquil. I think I will take her down there today. 

I wish everyone much health and happiness in this new year. We are all worth it and deserve it!

Darrel

[Margm]

Darrel, I try to read a lot to get other people's feelings about widow/widowerhood.  I have not uncovered anything world shattering, not even my fossilized mind shattering.  I do feel empathy for these people because some of these people, like the woman I am going to quote below, some did not have the luxury of fighting and loving one man for 54-years.  Was it 54?  It only seems yesterday.  And, as long as we were together, neither of us were old.  Not in our own mind, we did not notice the years.  We both had escaped some life threatening episodes so we were invincible.  And now he is gone and even though I came back to our hometown, I cannot find his essence anywhere here.  And I have aged 100 years more than I was when I left this town, with Billy. Yet, I have a terrible fear of going those 175 miles to the destination where he left me.  I like your idea of driving down to the sea wall with your wife.  It has been over 14 months for me now, and even though I quit really counting time, it is actually 365 days plus one more, plus one more, etc. 

This young woman I read about this morning, as young as she is, I suffer the same grief, hers is a grief of love not fulfilled for a long time, mine is a grief of love fulfilled for a very long time and wishful thinking it would never end.  The years, youth, or age did not matter.  It is what it is.

This young lady wrote this back in 2015, for The Washington Post.  She lost her husband, along with (I think) four other men in a rockslide on Mount Rainier.  She and I have done some of the same things to try to alleviate this suffering.  We all try to do things to alleviate it and one day the sun might shine a little, but the clouds return.  Rose Kennedy said that time does not heal all wounds, it only builds scar tissue.  I'm wanting the scar tissue to build faster.  This young lady I am quoting below is Lisa Kolb.  I think she may have lost her husband about in May of 2015.  I lost Billy in October of 2015.  Time seems to stand still for us all.

"I lay there amid my luxurious new bedding, which, along with my new apartment, was supposed to make his absence feel less acute, since he was never associated with it.
By Year Two, those things are largely resolved. No small feat, yet it is all replaced by an equally daunting, though less obvious, list of second year to-dos, like learning to live with a new, solo identity after years of partnership. Like knowing that other people must think you should be functioning and working at a back-to-normal level again, and being ashamed and frustrated that you are just not. Like facing the immutable truth that he is still — still! — gone, always will be, and there is nothing you can do about it.
In other words, if Year One of widowhood is a struggle for survival, Year Two is the equally difficult struggle to begin living life again. It is hard. Our spouses just keep being dead."

Yet, we all know we have to keep pushing on, sometimes though we wonder how and why.  I know my why, my how seems to want to grab my legs and sling me down.  Yet we cannot let it.............we have to fight through "how."  And I have not got a clue. 

 

[Guest]

Hi, Marg M. Thanks for the caring thoughts and words. This crap is a struggle, isn't it? I had never been through grief before losing my wife (except for losing many pets over the years). I'm from a family that was just nothing more than a basket case. A mother, a father, a twin sister, and an older sister. I ended up pretty much turning my back on all of them just to try to keep sane. A terribly disfunctional family unit. The only reason I mention all that is just to explain why I had never grieved before. All of them are gone now except for my twin. I attended no funerals and learned of the deaths much after the fact. Your comments and thoughts about being with the same person for so many years were so much on point. Just like in your case, my wife and I were everything to each other. And we never fought. Not really. Never over anything important. She was a redhead, with the proverbial redheaded temper. But if I ever did anything to irritate her all I really ever needed to do was give her a little alone time to work through it by herself.She would come to me a calmer person after she realized that me leaving the toilet seat up (or anything else that terribly catastrophic!) really wasn't worth all the anger. Then there were those times when I did get stupid and blame really was on me. I'd still give here the alone time before I went to apologize. Except for my truckdriving years, we were around each other constantly. Even worked together. We never felt like we needed time away from each other. I almost thought I was beginning to see a trace of improvement in myself, until the last week of december. This past week I felt like I was in a time warp, reliving the way I had to watch her die so slowly. (I just glanced at the clock. Her official time of death was 1pm on new year's day. It's now 12:58AM. Oh, for the love of God!). Gotta Go.

[Margm]

Darrel, I had to let go of the time and the last few minutes or I would just  plain die of guilt.  I didn't know.  He did.  I would not accept.  He had to.  I got angry.  And, that is what I have to let go of and will turn away from now.  

To copy the words of the woman above:  "Our spouses just keep being dead."   And now I will take a deep breath and forget those words I just mentioned.  Sometimes you have to for your own sanity.

I wish you easier times.  I wish a modicum of peace for us all.

[Brad]

5 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I actually dreaded the thought of going to bed at night. No matter how tired I would feel or think I was, more often than not when I turned the bedside lamp off and got into my sleeping position my eyes would snap open and I would be wide awake. I never have been any good at making myself go to sleep. And I ran out of the sleeping pills I was able to get for several months. So I would usually just give into not being ready to go to sleep yet and get back up, and get occupied doing something. 

Darrel - This was me for pretty much the first fifteen months.  I hated bed because it was not an escape.  I tried meditation, medication, aroma therapy and a combination of everything.  I was sleeping around three hours nightly and it was playing havoc on my Crohn's disease.  My doctors put me on Mertazipine (Remeron) an antidepressant, with that I slept but I slept too much.  Then they tried Lorazepam and I slept five hours a night.  By last October I was finally able to sleep most of the time around six hours a night and I'm okay with that.  It is still not unusual for me to be awake at two after four hours of sleep but things are slowly improving.  About once a month I can actually get seven to eight hours of sleep. 

5 hours ago, olemisfit said:

 But I am tired of moping around. Enough is enough. I so badly want to be able to swing my legs off the bed in the mornings after a decent night's rest with a smile on my face instead of a frown, actually feeling like I have a reason to get up off the bed. My wife knows that I will always love and miss her, and that I would never do anything that would dishonor her. I know she doesn't begrudge me this need for some kind of happiness.

I too am tired of moping.  I am growing tired of the loneliness.  All of my actions for the past seventeen months have been to seek out solitude.  I do enjoy the therapeutic value of hiking but lately I have found myself reaching out to a friend whose husband is in the late stages of Alzheimer's.  For both of us it is a connection where we can share our misery with one other person, face to face and in real time.  The first time we reconnected we met at a restaurant at 4:30.  Six hours later the manager asked us to pay our bill, we talked nonstop and time just disappeared.  She is also an avid hiker (which for my age group is extremely rare) so when we can arrange it we meet up for a stroll.  Neither of us see our interaction as dating, it is companionship for two people going through the worst experiences of their lives.  It's not romance, it is reaching out and providing solace and comfort.  The only problem is that we live 200 miles apart which limits how often we can get together.  

[Guest]

Thanks Brad. I appreciate your caring. Today began year #2. I looked at the clock awhile ago at a terribly wrong time. It was two minutes before the instant my wife was pronounced dead on this day last year. I just lost it. Good days and bad days, right?! (BTW...I see you live in Pinetop. My wife & I used to operate motels in Holbrook and Safford. Made the drive from Holbrook to Phx down thru your neck of the woods a number of times. A beautiful spot of heaven.)

[Brad]

The advantage of being a teacher is you get to handpick the place you want to live. 

[KATPILOT]

Brad I have met quite a few friends since my journey began and you know you are one of them. I find the need to not be alone far less severe these days though my sadness still creeps in at times. When I can spend time hanging out with people who are in the same boat it gives me comfort and companionship because we all get it.  When we get tired of moping, we open our eyes to new friends and companions and if we truly think about it, it's a love like no other. It can not replace the husband or wife that we lost but it can make the road a lot easier to travel and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

[WolfsKat]

I'm still very much in the "Need for solitude" group.......I have enough "socializing" at work, dealing w/people all day long! I love it when I can spend my days off just being alone (well, with my 2 furbrats!) and not having to leave the home for anything. But, then again, I've always been something of a hermit....not anti-social, I tell others, just "selectively social".  Some worry that this is due to grief alone....and, while that it, at times IS a small portion of it, I am simply living the life I prefer.  Connor and I always said we were hermits together.....very attuned to one another, and each not feeling a big need for social interaction, we were very happy with our own company!  I can go out on occasion and be very happy in the company of others, interact and enjoy....but I do not "need" it.  But, still.....some think that my view is "wrong" and that it means that I am not "dealing" with my loss......I've quite given up on trying to dissuade them!

[Guest]

Hi WolfsKat. You and your Connor and my wife Cookie and I sound like mirror images of each other. We also preferred each other's company. We never needed or wanted to be suffocated by being around throngs of other people. We were never big on socializing. We never enjoyed the party or club scenes . It was always more fun to just stay home and have our own little party.  We were both perfect appendages of each other. So always in tune with each other's feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, etc. etc. All those years I was out truckin' just to make some kind of a living were always so hard on us. The invention of cellphones and especially unlimited minute plans were a godsend. It wasn't unusual for me to stick the bluetooth in my ear, hit the speeddial button to call her, and stay on the phone forever. One time I called her when I was passing thru Gallup, N.M. and we finally had to hang up when I got to Kingman, Az. and had to stop for fuel. Just listening to her breathing part of that time was enough. And now, I am much happier just being with myself here at home than I would be with others hovering about who think they know what the right thing is to say, but really have no clue. Maybe if I had tried somehow to be more socially active this past year I wouldn't have had so many relapses with the hard grief, but that isn't who I am. Unto thine own self, be true. The peaks and valleys I guess come with having to climb this blasted mountain.

Have a good'un!

Darrel

[WolfsKat]

Darrel, that story about how you could talk forever on the phone while you were apart made me smile!  Before Connor could finally move here to Florida (he was living in TX), we burned up the phone lines, so to speak!  I remember one time alone, that the phone call lasted just about 7 hours!!!  And, oh yeah.....VERY happy to have "unlimited minutes" on the cell!  Online, on the phone, and finally "in person", Connor and I never seemed to run out of things to talk about.....we truly loved one another's conversation and company.......and THAT is what makes the loss so much more difficult to bear, I think?  The one person who I was so totally bonded to that they were like an extension of "me".....the only person with whom I relished every moment with, never tiring of them.....and...."gone".  Surrounding myself now, with people, forcing myself to socialize when it was never in my makeup to begin with, would not help. As you quoted, "To thine own self be true".....exactly!  Hoping you are finding comfort and companionship in this forum, and praying that 2017 will prove to be a year of healing for you!

[Guest]

Thanks very much WolfsKat. I know those good wishes came from your heart and I do appreciate'ya! I keep pinching myself just to make sure it's real,a but I actually woke up this morning feeling happy. I don't know why. Not with anything in particular. Just a lighter mood. I'm thankful for it. Here's wishing a happy day with many more to come for all of us.

[kayc]

olemisfit,

I hope in this second year you find some hope, meaning, positive to your life...even if not full bliss, something good.

[Guest]

Thanks KayC. I know I will. I'm still doing the peaks and valleys thing, but I do believe I'm beginning to see more peaks than valleys. I know the down days will still come along, but my hope is that they won't devastate me as badly. You know about the fear in the beginning...is this they way i'm gonna be forever? I know better than that by now, and that is a big load removed.

One foot in front of the other...onward and upward!

Darrel

[kayc]

I don't think any of us want to be defined by how it was in the early days of grief, that was a horrid time, hard to take in!  I do think we adjust bit by bit, sometimes so slowly as to seem imperceptible, but it comes.  It's up to us to build our lives into something we can live with, and that's where the work comes in!

[Gwenivere]

Steve was alway the more social one just by his connection with his band and a gazillion ther musucians.  When he worked a corporate job he befriended lots of people.  So that became my social life outside my volunteering and the dog park.  With that gone the loneliness is indescribable.  We had our sacred time together that meant no outside people.  It was a perfect balance now thrown completely out of whack.  As we all have, I have gotten a million suggestions of things to do and some judgements as to why I am not more involved in life.  We all lost a beautifully functioning life and people don't get it's starting all over again on our own after years of being together.  They don't understand that doing things by yourself can intensify that loss.  They think just being around others will lift us up.  Just yesterday I was on the phone with a woman and she was having to field questions from her kids and husband as we talked.  They don't get THAT is what is missing for us.  Day to day interaction NOT requiring massive effort to feel connected with life.  

[Brad]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

They think just being around others will lift us up.  

This is when I feel the most alone; when I am forced into a group social situation.  I'm much better with being around individuals or couples; much more than that and I'm cooking up excuses to leave.  I visited my boys in Austin this past week.  They picked me up at the airport and took me to their house.  We walked into a Christmas party; no one had bothered to inform me.  I ended up sitting in a corner, trying to smile when appropriate, missing Deedo and feeling miserable.  Had I known, I would have had them drop me off at the motel and met up with them in the morning.  

[kevin]

Brad you hit the nail on the head........I'm still going through the motions and I'm almost disrespectful by nature at these gatherings......I feel good in the garden or  golf course, hopefully this year I will open up Socially ...... 

[Gin]

I feel very lonely and am looking for more people contact.  I do not like big groups, either, but I would like to deal with people.  Maybe I am not very social and the grief makes it harder.  

[kevin]

I gotta rethink my last post or two, since my surgery and being confined because of the weather, I may have become a bit bitter.....Visits with family was a bright spot but the return from holidays and back to reality is depressing.........I talked last year about downsizing  and possibly relocating, but wanted to wait at least two years ........My first move will be a couple of garage sales and donating my excess to family and friends.....