My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Oh no, that's hard to hear.  Glad for them, but...

[Gwenivere]

I so wat to be just bored.  Never thought I would say that.  Today has been calls to the doc, insurance, a housekeeping service I’ve ever used, another to my regular ones and waiting on a call with my grief counselor.  I keep generating more medical calls when I call in for med side effects, referrals so the loop never ends.  I do and don’t want these other cleaners here as it needs it, but my regular woman knows how to work around  my stuff so this will be a hassle.  She’s used to pills laying around and knows what to catch up on if she has added time since I do the bathroom and wipe down the kitchen counters.  This place is sending out 2 people too.  My mental state seesthat as too much stimuli.  If I could just frigging breathe I’d hit the vacuuming where essentially needed.  I’ve never been so depressed and in fear for my sanity.  Wish I could enjoy these nice days we are having like other people I see walking and doing yardwork, tho my choices would be different.  Want to brush Ally more.  I’ll have this counseling session and then wonder what to do.  Dare I try a howler it’s this new breathing issue?  I’m so tired of being afraid.  

[Margm]

This morning Kelli had to meet Scott.  She stopped to fill her gas up and this man with a white towel on his head hit her up for money.  Kelli does not have any money.  She gets such a small amount of disability and that is one reason Scott and she are moving in together..  He asked for money.  She said she had none.  He saw she had packed Scott a lunch by looking in her car.  He probably  has diabetes as his legs were swollen so bad, or heart trouble, who knows.  He saw the lunch and said she had food.  He would not leave her alone,, even after the police pulled up.  She walked over to the policeman who would do nothing.  She had given too much money for gas and went in to get the change.  When she came out he said "you've got money."  Finally she was able to leave and she saw him stopping traffic at the red light for money.  Scott said he is there all the time.  I called the police department to  report it and the police said if I thought he was ill to call the fire department.  Now, why didn't I think of that?  I told him, no, I would not call anywhere else.  If the man gets hit by a car or hurts someone, that is on them.  I never call the police department.  

It is a crazy world out there at this time.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

It is a crazy world out there at this time. 

Yes Marg:  It is a crazy world out there and will probably be crazier before all of this is over.  So glad Kelli wasn't harmed by this overly insistent person.  Dee

[Margm]

Gwen, Let us know how things are going.  I really want good news for you for awhile.  

And the rest, I don't have a clue about the world right now.  

[kayc]

Gwen, sounds like a awful day but you're getting things done, have to hand it to you for that.  I'm persistent to a fault, but I hate being on the phone trying to get someone to actually listen...went through that with First Tech again yesterday...1 1/2 hours, just went through it last week, same tech issue.  I've been with them for years but may switch if they don't get their act together, only have two banks locally.  I like the local bank but the call center sucks right now.  Maybe some of the regulars are off and they have new people, who knows.

Marg, that is scary.  At least the policeman could have talked to him, made him quit harassing her...there's a law against panhandling in Eugene/Springfield.  If you give them $ from a car you can be cited.

[Gwenivere]

It’s been quite the day and much more to come.  I went back to the ER for the shortness of breath and they sent me home saying it was the last place I should be with my underlying lung condition.  Had to call the oncall doc and she prescribed 2 antibiotics that make me feel like crap just in case it is possible pneumonia starting.  10 days of this.  I’m so lightheaded from the inability to do any exertion and keep my O2 up.  This, of course, combined with the ever never ending back and leg pain.

Today Ally would not eat.  When I got home from the ER I saw she was unable to hold herself up long as her hind legs old give out.  She is refusing all food including chicken.  Haven’t seen her drink any water but I’ve put more around.  She doesn’t appear in pain, just wanders restlessly around the house panting.  I called the emergency vet, but they don’t come and get dogs.  There is no way I can get her there.  A friend said he could Friday after work, so hopefully around 6-7.  I called my cousin in hysterics and she calmed me down a bit.  She’s been thru this many times and said it’s OK to be crazed.  I tried calling some in home vets and they were all recordings to get her to the ER one I called.  So I am 'praying' she holds up til my friend can get here.  Letting her set her own pace.   I’m terrified something awful will happen before I can get her to the vet.  I just want her in professional hands even if I can’t be there.  

I’m beside myself.  Too much at one time.  I can’t do anything for her unless I keep it together and I’m not doing a good job at that.  It’s going to be a very long night and day tomorrow.  I hate feeling helpless and now absolutely unable to leave the house.  I tried to stop for some things I need on the way home and found I couldn’t make the walk being so out of it. I did get to the drug store for the RX's.  I took some Xanax but I can’t tell I have.  It’s too much stress.  Going to try a little nap before dinner I don’t care about but is necessary as I haven’t eaten much and the meds need to be taken with food.  My vision is blurry from this.  It’s just so frightening all around.  

I’m a believer we can get more than we can handle.  I’ve hit that wall.  I need to take care of me to be any good to the dogs and feeling helpless is terrifying.

[widow'15]

48 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m a believer we can get more than we can handle.  I’ve hit that wall.  I need to take care of me to be any good to the dogs and feeling helpless is terrifying.

Gwen:  I am totally agreement with your statement: "I’m a believer we can get more than we can handle.  I’ve hit that wall.  I need to take care of me to be any good to the dogs and feeling helpless is terrifying."   I am amazed you have managed each day dealing alone with your horrific health issues not just every week or so, but almost daily you are faced with so much.  Helplessness is excruciating fear. 

I am so sad to hear Ally is struggling.  I can imagine the fear as you watch her.  Our fur babies are so important to us.  I do hope she settles down and manages to hang on until your friend can help get her to the vet.

I said this before, and I do mean it so sincerely, I wish I could drive the 35 miles north to help you the best I could.  But, Seattle has been too much of a mad house well over 10 years ago for my abilities.  Just, please know I am sending only my strongest wishes you get through the next few days, and a special hug to you and Ally.  Take care.  Dee  

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dee.  I know you and others here know how much we depend on our fur babies, especially now that we live is this totally changed world.  Trying to get some food in Ally has Melody going off the deep end.  She wants some of everything and she’s had plenty of food.  She finally ate some chicken and half a piece of bread.  I wish she would drink some water.  I don’t know if she will handle outside breaks for relief.  Planning on leaving the back door open all night, but when they don’t feel well, no telling if they will just go where convenient or not.  I am only concerned about that because of my feeling so sick.  I’m not sure I should give her her night meds as they make her kinda loopy and that’s the last thing she needs.  

Havents heard in awhile......how is Maddie doing?   I wish you could come here or me there.  Maybe someday.  If we saw each other now, we couldn’t touch!  With our connection and the commute, that’s the first thing I’d want to do!  💖

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, My heart is sick for you going through this with Ally.  I can imagine what you are feeling...probably close to the feelings I went through with Arlie, they are our babies, our life!  And it feels so helpless when we can't help them like we want to.   I wish so much that I lived nearer...I checked, realistically it'd take me about 7 hours to drive up there, which wouldn't help you at all as you'll have someone there by then.

Poor little Ally!  Please let us know when you find out something, I'm very worried about you AND her.  I hate seeing you having to take antibiotics.  And TWO medicines for it?!  It's so hard on your gut.  It has to be miserable, not being able to breathe freely.  II didn't know it could affect your vision, it's been years since I've had it.  I do know you can get a secondary thing following illness that affects your vision, went through it once, saw moving dots, lightheaded, etc.  Someone had to drive me from my office to the doctor.  A Rx took care of it.

[Gwenivere]

Fortunately, Ally has eaten and drank.  The plan now is for my friend to take her tomorrow to the vet.  He will need to stay there til they determine if she goes home or stays.  Today was a circus of anxiety regarding my breathing.  Had packed my hospital bag ahhhhgain as my insurance company nurse said to go back.  I found out there are limits about how many times you can be screened for covid due to supplies and I didn’t meet the criteria.  Talked to my docs office and they do not go to the ER because it was too dangerous.  I’m only supposed to do that if it gets so bad I need to call 911.  

I went out for gas and to go dinners for a couple nights, even walked thru a grocery store ( I know, not wise)  and did OK.  I’ve got to stop buying so much food!  I’m running out of places to put it!  My freezer is packed to capacity and more.  I worry I won’t get out again. What I did notice is I got the severe breathlessness when coming home.  There is definitely a psychological factor added into the exertion of unloading all my stuff sans oxygen, but I don’t want to come home to this loneliness and being afraid.  The not being able to look towards help at the hospital adds to that anxiety.  Not that I like going there, but it was 'comforting' to know you could without having to be screened before being triaged.  

So now I hyper aware of everything I feel.  I am more clumsy at holding things as I shake.  When I stand up I immediately feel I can’t breathe well.  I dread every time I do.  My vision sometimes gets blurry and I don’t know if it’s oxygen or anxiety.  I’m constantly hype pr aware of Ally.  She so wanted to get in bed last night but I didn’t want to take the chance she’d urunate or poop.  It would be hard enough to clean the carpet, couldn’t handle it going thru down to the mattress.  Well, another drone about me.

i May have started his topic, but if you are having a need for a good vent, I saw you did, Karen, about the grass amid a pandemic, post it here if you want.  I know I’m not the only one that needs a place to let off steam or just voice what this 'new normal' combined with day to day life of stufff happening that seems like bad timing, but it’s the darned pandemic getting to us all.

[widow'15]

56 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Fortunately, Ally has eaten and drank.  The plan now is for my friend to take her tomorrow to the vet.  He will need to stay there til they determine if she goes home or stays.

Gwen:  Good news Ally finally ate and drank.  I know that has to give you a little bit of relief.  How many times have we wished they could tell us what they need or how they feel.   Good you have your friend to take her to the vet tomorrow.  I know you are on pins and needles hoping for an answer.  Thinking good thoughts.  Dee

[widow'15]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Havents heard in awhile......how is Maddie doing?   I wish you could come here or me there.  Maybe someday.  If we saw each other now, we couldn’t touch!  With our connection and the commute, that’s the first thing I’d want to do!  💖

Gwen:  So far Maddie's tumor remains stable with no change in size thank goodness.  Her treatments are every two weeks so I definitely feel like I should have a wing named after Maddie.  Once parked, I telephone the reception area and  let them know I am outside.  I remain in the car until the Vet Tech comes out and brings her inside with their own leash and then returns her to me and puts here in my car.   Most days seems like she is doing well.  When she has days she is not interested in food I give her Entyce which stimulates her appetite. 

It is so hard for me to believe I used to drive to Seattle without a thought of traffic and unfamiliar places.  Oh to be young and have good vision.  😎   Take care of yourself.  Dee 

 

 

[KarenK]

Oh Gwen, you have so many different things going on, it's hard to know the answer. You say your breathing worsens when you get home. Are you more anxious at home? Is there anything inside your house that might be irritating your breathing? Lots of dog hair here that gets to me no matter how much it's vacuumed. Or is it all part of the bigger picture you are living? I wish I could help, somehow. Does it help to increase the oxygen flow?

Glad to hear that Ally is holding her own for now. Hope you will get some answers tomorrow.

[Gwenivere]

I’m definitely more anxious at home.  The place is filling with dog fur.  There’s anxiety about being alone and how I will keep the house livable.  The constant feeling of suffocation if I do anything but sit.  So showers and my bed are something I don’t know how I’ll keep doing.  I just want to curl up and disappear.  Sleep isn’t the same as my brain kicks in to all ths stuff.  The worst sound I hear every day is the alarm clock.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I thought Ally was going in yesterday afternoon, I assumed I guess because today is weekend.  Relieved to hear she finally ate and drank!  

I haven't used an alarm clock since I retired unless I have an early doctor's appt (since I drive so far).  

No one is coming in to help you anymore?  My daughter still does housecleaning, so does George, so I can't imagine why they'd quit because of the Coronavirus, seems it's needed more than ever!

[Gwenivere]

I have a service coming Tuesday.  Not my regular one.  They opted out of working so far in the pandemic.  It’s going to make m tense as they don’t know the place and I have so much more clutter around being stuck here and dealing with health, paperwork, pills, notes galore and places I usually cleaned myself.  I’m also hoping they really are safe to use as I am very vulnerable with the lung condition.  

My friend and his wife are coming shortly to get Ally.  I’m very tense and scared.  All this having to be done by phone.  She didn’t eat again this morning.  I’m trying to get usual stuff done and unable to breathe well.  It’s a bad mix all around.  

I woke up thinking of my immediate future.  It’s rather grim.  I tried to find something positive and couldn’t think of one thing.  I also got a barrage of EOB's from my insurance and have to pay almost $3000 for an MRI Not covered without a pre auth.  This from an ER visit.  I can’t even fathom fighting this.  When is a test in an ER suddenly need a pre auth?  

Cant do anything about it today.  Have to stay focused on th gas at hand and that is Ally.  

I’m sure I’ll be calling my counselor later today.  Hope I can get her.

[kayc]

That's there way of getting out of paying, mine's probably the same, never heard of that before.

Waiting to hear about Ally...

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Have to stay focused on th gas at hand and that is Ally.

Gwen:  Good to hear you are focused, as hard as it is.  I know how impossible it can be to find a solution alone.  We are here with you hoping the best for you, Ally and Mel.  Take care,  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Ally is home.  They did X-rays and aren’t sure if it’s scar tissue or another bout of pneumonia.  So lots of antibiotics, a months worth.  I didn’t get out today having to be available by phone. I’m so grateful my friend and his wife for taking her.  They even picked up some dog and bird food I needed.  I’m still struggling with the breathing and anxiety from it.  Didn’t even get a drive today and that is making me feel more stress.  Not looking forward to this antibiotic fight again.  I’m worried I might wind up calling 911 soon if this doesn’t turn around.  What a mess that would create with the dogs.  I wish I could be more upbeat about this.  I feel like all I do is whine, but this is very serious stuff for me being the caregiver and so limited.  I’d say Ally is doing better than me!   

[kayc]

I'm glad Ally is back home with you and grateful you have someone who'd take her in for you.  

I'm sorry you have more antibiotics to take but I hope it takes care of it and starts turning around quickly for you.  You're not whining, you need someone to talk to, it's the least we can do is listen.  I'm fighting feeling down and I have nothing to feel down about compared to all you're going through, this isolation is just getting to me.  Last week I was doing okay with it but today I'm having a hard time, my first Easter alone where I can't even go to church.  This is depressing.  And all of the news is depressing, I can't take much more news.  I limit myself but oh my gosh they need to talk about something else for a change.

I hope you're able to get some sleep...

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m worried I might wind up calling 911 soon if this doesn’t turn around.  What a mess that would create with the dogs.  I wish I could be more upbeat about this.  I feel like all I do is whine, but this is very serious stuff for me being the caregiver and so limited.  I’d say Ally is doing better than me!

Gwen:  Your friends are true friends to be there to help you with Ally.  I was relieved to find out Ally is home with you now.

I don't think you are whining, you are with friends here who know you are working diligently to get through your  health issues.  Like kayc says, "you just need someone to talk to".  I feel that is the purpose of this Forum, to share our fears, problems and accomplishments as we struggle through our grief.  Get some sleep tonight.  Keeping  you in my thoughts. Dee

[Margm]

OMGosh, it is Easter Sunday morning and I need to be up in time to see the Easter Services...........oh wait, there won't be Easter Services, but oh, I so hope, the ministries that I watch on Sunday will be on.  The pastor chips away at my cold, cold heart. (Hank Williams song), and I hope he helps my hypochondria.  Headache......oh my, yes.  Oh wait, I have not had coffee.  One cup, but it is an addiction still..  I am so good at these addictions.  I can still see me and my 50 morphine pills left from Billy's extras.  Those actually are the only real plans I have had in the last nearly five years.  The pills were thrown away.  I still had the ruptured colon issue and I would have died for sure.  I cannot take pain pills.  When I fell and hurt my ankle, docs said hairline fracture, wrapped up my ankle and gave me a prescription.  I told them I could not take them.  Tore it up.  

Gwen, I'm so sorry you are so ill.  I hope the breathing gets better.  I hear it with my sister.  She starts a new med tomorrow.  My daughter, who has the immune system of a gnat, she runs to the store, she brings me in three loads of groceries............and toilet paper.  I am safe, for a little while.  Do have  to worry about Scott still at the VA.  They go through so many things to keep their workers safe.  He and Kelli found a townhouse to move into.  Not sure it is his first choice, but he will make do and it is closer to his job.  But, he says it is further away from Mama.  Well, they both won't be but about 20 miles away, maybe a tiny bit more.  

The yellow roses with pink tinged petals are blooming all over my patio.  I have not touched them, that would mean certain disaster.  I kill plants.  I did notice the poison ivy on the right side of the sidewalk has tendrils reaching out for anyone that walks close.  That is life, beauty and poison ivy. 

Could I wish you a Happy Easter? Well, I could, I will, but happy is a word in very short supply these days.  Please feel better.  World, please feel better and please don't let poly-ticks get into our health system.  Let smart people do what they know to do.  Please.

[Gwenivere]

 Not a good day and I am only an hour into it.  Usual hard time getting up and dressed.  Checked my email and my Sunday friend has now said I am possibly being selfish taking Ally in for treatment.  Endangering the people that volunteered to do it.  That Ally was suffering but she seems to be doing well.  I’m not an idiot nor would I,no matter how much I wouldn’t want to make this decision, put it off if I felt she were in pain or struggling to survive.  We are supposed to have a video chat this afternoon and I just don’t know what to say to her beyond how much that hurt me and she will still lecture me even tho Ally is doing well today.  Am I selfish for not releasing her 2 days ago?  I look at her now and see the life in her.  The vet wasn’t the change, she came back the day before, I just wanted her checked out.  I would also think the vet might have mentioned it but she said Ally was doing well there.

Next I fell in hall as my foot caught in the oxygen tubing..  my glasses are now off kilter but I have a back up pair.  My breathing is still bad and I just don’t know what to do as far as getting help.  I stopped the antibiotics because they were making my anxiety worse and are a shot in the dark anyway for 'maybe' having recurring pneumonia.  I know before I got them I was at the ER and they sent me home because my lungs sounded Ok even tho I felt suffocated.  There’s obvious problems as my fingers and feet turn blue or white thruout the day.  Every day is now becoming do I chance going to the ER or wait til I need 911.  Now I have bruises and bleeding from scraping the carpet.  Don’t know how this will feel later.  I just feel the usual pain and off balance I always do.  Thinking is harder because of whatever is going on.  

Just talked to the on call doctor and more confused than ever.  Called the people who would adopt Melody if needed, but they don’t sound willing to take Ally which leaves me stuck with Nina who I feel finds her now an inconvenience.  I can’t believe it has come to this, not because of the people, but because I’m finding trying to juggle everything alone is making it more appealing to not be here.  I so need someone I trust to lean on in the physical world and there is none.   I’m sadly disappointed the other people may not take Ally and it sounds that way, but I understand it is a big request. They want me to call a vet service that comes to assess the dog so when the time comes they know your dog.  I can’t type anymore.  As always the hospital bag stands ready in case I get worse.  It’s a cycle.  The worry feeds the breathing and the exertive breathing feeds the anxiety.  

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sadly disappointed the other people may not take Ally and it sounds that way, but I understand it is a big request. They want me to call a vet service that comes to assess the dog so when the time comes they know your dog. 

Gwen:  I have never heard of this kind of service, but would think your own Vet might be able to advise on Ally's situation as well as have some knowledge of this service.  Since you know your Ally, follow your heart.  Am so sorry you are so pulled in so many directions.  Hoping your evening goes better for you.  Hugs, Dee