My Sanity Needed Vents

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

They're always in a hurry.  Time is $ (more for them!).

Not necessarily.  Yes, time is money-- but for managed care organizations.  Insurance requirements and concurrent documentation requirements force a lot of "health care" providers to hurry and scurry through appointments.  They will get written up for certain "late" documentation or if they exceed the allowed amount of 1:1 time with a patient, and errors are made, details omitted, and inaccurate notes get transcribed into the system, and you're stuck with that wrong info that you then have to fight to correct. 

Perhaps needless to say, I've grown very cynical about it all.

[Gwenivere]

I know I need to physically get into the surgeon's off pretty soon.  I just hope it’s understood how difficult is to do for the very reason I need to.  It’s like trying to swim to shore with a broken arm.  Every time I have to go somewhere oxygen has to be figured in.  It’s such a pain.  Climbing in and out of a car, using porch stairs and wheelchair is more than enough. 
 

I was looking in the activity room which has been locked for weeks and someone said ,sad, isn’t it?'?  Yup, it really is.  When I got here I never went there.  Now I miss the people I met.  I don’t know how many are .still here. beyond the nursing home ones.  I haven’t seen a couple going by from my area.  I do not miss the jigsaw puzzle.  🙂

It dawned on me they had taken my brand antidepressant because it was expired.  It still works, just caught in that pharmacy 1 year marking.  I asked about getting that back when I left as it cost hundreds of dollars.  Nurse didn’t know, said it may have been thrown away. It is a 90 supply.  Somehow I got a overlap when switching policies so I got a 3 month break.  I don’t care the date, it’s my medication.  
 

19 hours ago, Kieron said:

if they exceed the allowed amount of 1:1 time with a patient, and errors are made, details omitted, and inaccurate notes get transcribed into the system, and you're stuck with that wrong info that you then have to fight to correct. 

This is something a lot of people forget.  The appointment is really longer than what we see.  My doc types some when he makes changes, but to not be 'rude' he doesn’t type all his notes while we are face to face.  I’m not saying all doctors are great, but you can’t paint them all with the same brush.  You make a good point on something being on your record forever.  I  have meds from years ago I’ve requested removed as I don’t take them anymore and won’t.

 I need to leave the surgeon another message.  On all my walks I felt like I’m hurting myself, not helping.  When it keeps getting harder that’s a good indicator things are going the wrong direction.  Still get more slouched over when standing.  I’ve said that ad nauseam.  My 2nd day with less oxy at 5pm.  Leaning on Tylenol.  Now I face not being bed bound against damage.  Guess  I get some credit for moving.  

Nothing much going on but a fire drill.  Bet the people that were asleep loved that.  Hope all are doing OK.  💖

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Kieron said:

Yes, time is money-- but for managed care organizations.

When I worked for Dr. Griffith years ago, he said everything was going to that and he was against it and cited why, he said the quality of care would go down.  He was so right.

Time isn't $? Why do they bill for 15 minutes when they were on the phone for less than 5 minutes?

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It dawned on me they had taken my brand antidepressant because it was expired.  It still works, just caught in that pharmacy 1 year marking.

My former doctor told me most of them are still good beyond that.  I take some that are expired but still do their job, no side effects.  I know some are time sensitive.  We know which are which, we're the ones taking them!

Gwen, I know with your situation they do have to convert their assessment into words and type them up, that takes time we don't see, but in my case, they type 2 sentences, it doesn't account for over ten minutes.  Overbilling time is common.

[Gwenivere]

Everywhere I turn in my head I see scenarios I don’t want.  So many I can’t control at all.  I just want to walk.  It’s very simple.  The complications of that not being the case change everything.   I really  don’t want a roommate.   I want my dog back.  I’m tired of watching my body fall apart because I can’t do or don’t care about things I used to.  Can’t think of anywhere I want to be any mor.  Better post this as editing it keeps corrupting it and add to it later.

[nashreed]

I'm sorry Gwen. I relate. I am sick of and bored of life. I don't want to be here anymore. I just feel guilty because I am not in chronic pain, but I have no motivation to improve my situation. I have applied for a job or two (as if that's going to make me feel better about myself, but it would be a distraction from this miserable loneliness), but it doesn't mean anything without Annette. Life isn't worth living without love. Facing years and years of this existence is really unfathomable. I'm good- I've led my life and I'm ready for it to be over. 

[Margm]

Do any of you get terrible anxiety because you know you have to sleep?  It is said only the good die young.  I wonder what I'm supposed to learn?  I used to make plans before I slept.  I even started writing a book (and I could remember in my mind where I left off to add to the next night).  I tried that, but I did that before Billy left.  I can still remember my "book" and the characters, but they do not interest me anymore.  Plans are laying on my bookshelf, where the kids know I left them.  I just heard that Naomi Judd passed away, and it was associated with mental illness.  There once was a time I was not afraid to go to sleep, not even when I fought my illnesses.  

[Gwenivere]

Way more than this involves Dee, it’s about how I don’t feel I deserve her caring so much for me, Seems more than I deserve.  Se cares more about the house than I do.  She says she loves the atmosphere.  I know I did a lot to make that happen for decades.   Know Steve loved bit.  I did too.  Since she lost Maria, she’s lived on the street and various people.  This is all new to me.  I considered it once, but didn’t want to get involved with strangers, furniture and totally moving my stuff out of my office.  She just needs clothes storage.   A couple drawers.and part of the closet.   It’s still going to be a huge change.  
 

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Do any of you get terrible anxiety because you know you have to sleep? 

Oh gawd, yes!  Every night.  I wake up with it too.  I never thought about the good dying young except my dad when the song came out.(I was just over one when he died) he did) I really liked Naomi Judd.  That’s so sad.to hear.b.  She was ravaged by many mental conditions.

Anxiety is one of the worst things I ever feel and I do pretty much all the time.  I’m not going to be able to rid my ilife of them.  I hate more challenging times like now.  I’m also on my 3rd day of weaning off the pain meds so tthat adds to how bad I feel.  I remember not wrestling with anxiety til I was 31.  Just normal and appropriate situations.  I can always tell people that say they struggle with them and don’t.  Also the opposite.  I’m so sorry you have to live with it too.

I’m hoping I. saw a good sign that activities door was open that there is bingo.today.  It’s been 3 weeks.  My mod being what it is may get in the way tho.  A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away Steve and I would have been going to dinner with the kids.  😢
 

[Gwenivere]

Wow everyone is so quiet today, I got 2 emails from friends saying I should leave. I’m not getting much more than showers, so so meals and my meds sorted. Will become big deals at home.  I’ll have to continue with pain med withdrawal and symptoms.  Have the same problems but no button push for help.  
 

No bingo today.  Have to wear masks in the activity room.  So much for that hope.  My first walk today felt harder.   Probably was more so psychologically.  Being pulled in two directions.  Going home almost scarier. I never anticipated being afraid of living with someone.  Talked to Nina for our Sunday call and she helped on how to handle the added emotional issue with Dee.  I need to keep in mind that gay or not, all people have things to talk about when doing this at this age.  When I was very young it was just fun to live with my childhood friend. We were finally free!  
 

Got my 3rd walk in and thought I was overdoing it.  A therapist would have forced me to take a break.  I did stop and sat a couple minutes and it helped.  Nina thought they cut my oxy too much in a short time line.  She studied the basics on addiction.  Gonna call the social worker today to get this going.  Talked to Dee about setting priorities.  Also how bad I’ve gotten in a week.  she still wanted to know where pots and pans were for cooking.  I do have to say decent food sounds good.  I dread meals here now.  Might switch over ore to PB and tuna and use my various chips.  Has to be healthier than their cuisine .

💕 to all.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I am rooting for you as you make plans to move forward and head home. It will all work out, but take a lot of getting used to, I'm sure.

I've been watching a Showtime free weekend. A few good movies. Ran across one from 1983 "Testament" that had Kevin Costner in a bit part. I almost didn't recognize him. Still a hunk, just a much younger one. A very sad movie about nuclear war.

[kayc]

I responded yesterday and it's not here, don't know what happened to it.  I do remember telling Gwen that my sister had felt the same with me, that she had nothing to offer, etc., but she had value all the same, she was the best listener and cared, now there's no one.  I was afraid of this day.  5 weeks ago today.  It leaves me feeling very alone.  Last night Kodie looked at me with intention, and gave me a kiss, it meant so much to me.

I've lived with anxiety all my life, I can really relate.  Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I had an off switch for my brain's thinking.

It seems weird to me that Naomi Judd is gone, I never thought of her as any particular age, beautiful, great talent.  I haven't watched the news lately and am behind watching Inside Edition about a month.  Haven't had time these last 5 weeks.

Gwen, I'm rooting for you, hopefully the anticipation is worse than the adjustment. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I sometimes have to leave mid post and when I come back have to be careful I don’t accidentally hit the restore editor or it wipes out what I had  Sometimes the post box looks like it’s empty and til I touch it and it restores.  

I really miss those doggie kisses.   They can change everything for a bit.  We all need an off switch.  Mine would be replaced several times. I I was going to call Apple, but decided my brain couldn’t handle tech stuff.  Restorative Care showed up so I got some exercise beside walking in.  It’s not that great when it’s not consistent.  Without that and activities, it makes for a long weekend.  The woman I work with got a promotion so I’ll lose that.  Think after this week.  They don’t Have a replacement.  
 

I'm still trying to track down the  $300 RX they took from me.  No luck yet getting the prescriber here to talk about the slivers of pain meds I’ve been getting that are too small.  Makes withdrawal harder.  Wrote my surgeon about how bad this is getting.  I don’t think my walking is helping, just non sedentary.
 

I've decided to go home on the 14th.  Started the social worker setting it up.  Want to have enough time to have home health ready to go.  Thought Dee could show them the house, but they want me there.  Don’t know if I can do anything to make this easier.  Supposed to have another bed bath today.  That will be 3 weeks without running water.  With my back so much worse it’s a big concern going home. 

Well, this is just great.  Someone took my dinner tray when they were cleaning up.  Managed to get a sandwich.  I’m so done here.  It’s like my eyes have been opened. Can’t believe I paid for this.  Wanted so much to believe it was possible to get better. I don’t know if I’ll ever walk again without being disabled even more. This is a short term facility and I’m not in a short term problem.  My whole life I knew is done. Steve and our kids, gone.  Forever.  Alone for however this plays out.

[KarenK]

Alone, yet not alone. I understand what you mean. Even though Dee will be there, it's not at all the same as having Steve. It's a bit like I am even with the guys here. We don't interact much, but the advantage is that they are my family. My heart goes out to you.

I was interested to get my Medicare statement which included my eye surgeries. Both surgeries totaled around $8000. Medical needs like that are the main reason I opted for the more expensive supplemental insurance so I'd have no out of pocket expense. I figured as I got older that things would start falling apart.  Wish my dental insurance was this good, but it's kind of lousy. My dentist has raised his prices some. He charged $600 to remove the 2 broken teeth. Of course, he probably charged extra for the jackhammer. My insurance has not adjusted their payment schedule in many years. They're still living in about 2000.

[kayc]

ALL of my posts were wiped out on my other site, but their site went down and they had to restore to a previous point because everyone's were wiped out!  After I'd put HOURS of thought and intention into responding to newbies with fresh losses!  It was pretty upsetting!  I didn't click on restore editor, it was just gone.

I feel you'll be better off at home as far as food, meds, etc.  The last few weeks you haven't got much benefit from being there, not even social activity!  I prefer having charge of my own life, even in those little ways, like when you go to sleep, when you get up!  Being in familiar territory.  But I also acknowledge your fears/concerns, they're valid.  

I'm very upset with my dental office.  I've been with the same dental family all my life, three generations of dentists!  Before Steven retired, his daughter Jessica was working with him, I went with her afterwards.  His son started practicing and cost me because he could have just removed a tooth but want to try restoring it, which cost a lot, but didn't get all the decay out, I told him and he disregarded me.  I could smell it when I flossed, I know the smell.  I lost the tooth, more $, I was upset with him for not doing a good enough job, he never owned responsibility for it, I lived with the repercussions, not him.  Never wanted him to work on me again, just Jessica.  Now the two have parted ways, he's taken over the practice, she's gone somewhere else but they wouldn't tell me where, they covered up what was going on, made an appt. with me for six months without telling me.  The whole way it was handled was just like how he handled my tooth.  I searched for her online and all I get is the old practice.  I do not want to see him again.  Will keep searching.   It's another loss...70 years going one place, gone.  All new people in there.  Wouldn't surprise me if they didn't split because of differences in how to handle things.  Same gene pool but different genes.

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

My insurance has not adjusted their payment schedule in many years. They're still living in about 2000.

I'm so sorry.  I don't have dental ins, so pay out of pocket, it can get hefty, can't it!

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m keeping my fingers crossed on dental as my insurance is very limited too.  Cleaning and X-rays.  Might have a grand towards the year that can be used however needed, but that’s nothing with the costs.  In a year and a half my teeth have changed so much.  Going in for even a cleaning is unthinkable right now. 
 

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

We don't interact much, but the advantage is that they are my family. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you, Karen. It is so very different and we haven’t been in the actual situation yet.  I’m used to interacting  with a visitor. She was so limited on space at Robin's.  Even in the fridge she had a tiny place.  Hoarders don’t have much to offer.  We are social in different ways.  I want to get back in my solo routine and tweak where needed.  She’s established a new routine already in these months.   I want to find out how independent I can be. Then see how I need to adjust to this new situation.  But I don’t have that luxury.  I know I need a lot. Ran into one guy I really like here on a break in therapy.  He said no activities before I leave.  That will be sad.  No matter where I’ll be, it’s going to be uncomfortable.  In 2 months it will be a year since my life was remotely one I remember.  
 

My meds are late.  Bed bath, exercise and 3 long walks.  My dinner came up wrong and had to fix that.  Last night was the one they took my dinner away.  I. don’t feel very patient or understanding.  Heard from my surgeon to fax him the letters about being sent home from rehab in February.  I wrote him about how bad this had become and that was at 7 weeks post op.  Now it’s 2 months later and worse.  I forgot to say I’d red the help to reverse part of it by the 14th.  Guess I know what I’m doing this afternoon.  
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I woke up at 12:30 and at 2 am gave up and got up...4 hours sleep, will be tired today.  I got an email from the lawyer on the estate finally, was supposed to have electronic signature but didn't, so had to print it to sign, my printer doesn't want to cooperate any more and I rarely use it so don't want to invest in another, besides I have extra cartridges...it won't do color anymore, would have to reinstall and if I did that, no guarantee I can get the driver anymore, that's why I had to quit using my last two!  They want to make sure we keep paying...  I texted Melissa to reply to the lawyer to MAIL her a copy so she can get it signed and sent back, her friend's printer is out of commission and Melissa has no PC, just an old iPhone.  I don't know how you live w/o one nowadays!  

Gwen I feel so bad I encouraged you in this surgery, I never dreamed they'd do this to you!  In my mind they botched it badly.  This should never of happened.  I know it does no good to look back, no redos, but I am so so sorry they left you like this!  It's so wrong!  I'm curious what the surgeon has to say about it.  It's not just about your healing or lack of it, he left you worse off than before!  What happened to "First Do No Harm!"  I know, no use crying over bygones, but geez!!!

Some people might think I am a hoarder, but I'm not, I don't buy anything, I need help getting RID of stuff everyone stuck me with!  Used to have a family here, years of accumulation from them all, one by one they all left me...and a lot of their stuff!  When I get my place paid off I'd like to move out what I need and my son can sell the place and split with Melissa,  HE can figure out what to do with it all, him and his dad were the worst offenders at sticking me with it all.  If he wants to get more $ out of it, he'll have to figure out how to dispense with everything, there is no place in town to give anything to.  I'm not up to holding a garage sale.  Maybe he can have an estate sale and let them deal with it.  I spent hours yesterday and today washing all my china and crystal, and wishing I'd never bought it when I was young.  I used to host family gatherings, it's been 10 years now.  No one wants it.  I don't blame them, it all has to be washed by hand.  A LOT of work with these poor painful hands!  I hadn't done it for over three years, before my injuries.  

You are in my prayers as you transition.  It seems to me they're carrying this quarantine too far, everyone uses Covid as an excuse to not do their jobs.  No activities this long?  Why?!

[V. R.]

On 5/3/2022 at 9:13 AM, Gwenivere said:

decided to go home on the 14th.  Started the

Glad to hear you're finally going home Gwen. I hope you will get all the home help you need. I don't know how your health system works but over here, someone who's gone through back surgery and needs rehabilitation is entitled to free home physiotherapist treatment at least 2/3 times a week, a nurse also if necessary a few times a week. 

Wishing you all the best. 

[kayc]

First my dentist, now my doctor!  My doctor left and I got someone new in his place.  Never met him.  And they got the results from my blood tests back but I have to come in to get the results, can't get them for eight days.

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen I feel so bad I encouraged you in this surgery, I never dreamed they'd do this to you!  In my mind they botched it badly. 

Not to worry, Kay.  I was in so much pain I knew it was my only choice or wait til it was irreparable anyway.  The doctors all just seemed so positive about the outcome.  The research I did after would have fallen on deaf ears as I was desperate to stop the pain.  I agree something went very wrong.  It’s been months of trying to see if I can get help.  I’m so sick of hearing I can go home like that is going to magically fix it.  
 

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I have to come in to get the results, can't get them for eight days.

This is why I’m glad my physicians group has an email portal.  I wouldn’t want to go in for that, especially as far as you have to go.  
 

Spoke with my surgeon and faxed over the letters ending my insurance coverage in February.  Stressed I need his input ASAP.. I’ve gone so long without all the therapy I need.  Now that I’m going to lose strength training, I very much need what I should have  had.for PT and OT that got cut off.  I’m so dandy to go home even tho I can’t get any height back, out of pain or stamina.  Can’t take a shower without major aid.. I definitely want out of here and very angry that 2 major surgeries, 2nd so intense on top of the original,  being seen as livable in a mere 7 weeks.  And with open bedsores!  It could pan out I am permanently disabled.  I will be looking at.how it came down.  Covid was totally out of my control making me wait months in between.  Now I’m questioning my surgeon.  It’s so hard to think clearly after all this time, change and meds.  
 

I wander my routes around this place every day.  No one was working in activities so I couldn’t score any root beet.  Changed my dinner to avoid a hot dog.  Had one once and couldn’t eat it.  I sit here depressed every night wondering how I wound up like this.  Wake up wondering what’s the point. Losing my good feeling about a roommate now. I want to be a loner.  A fairly healthy one if I have to stay longer.  I had so many good and active years, I want to rest, on my terms. Mine.  I miss having more appealing choices.  Seems life is making them for me now. It sucks losing zest for life.  New things don’t interest me.  Things that used to don’t.  The things I want are all gone.


 

[kayc]

I only have to go 8 miles, my former place was 50 but has now moved to 60 miles away as has everything else!  It's annoying, dermatologist, everyone, getting further away.  I wish they'd all stay in Spfd, but instead they move to Eugene like it's upscale, Spfd is more comfortable, traffic not so bad, doesn't have the Eugene cops, constant changes of Eugene, plus the distance.

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

PT and OT that got cut off.

WHY?  Covid scare?  Don't think you need it?  I don't get it!  It's long past the quarantine period for Omicron!  I don't get why they aren't having activities either!  Or can't get your meals right.  It's what I see of rehab places.   I'd hate them.  I was supposed to have PT when I broke my right elbow, but instead (because of the $ and distance and difficulty driving with it) I downloaded exercises from a university, I got full range back so it worked!  I like control over my own life and making my own decisions.  They always say we have to do this/that, nope, up to us!  With you it's been the opposite, them cutting you OFF from services you need!

A hot dog is 2 oz, how do they figure that's all a person needs!  If we need 50 grams of protein/day, we aren't getting it that way!  More like a juicy steak would help!  You need protein to heal, not less!  Not to mention it's highly processed.  The least they could do is serve the Costco deluxe hot dogs, bigger/better!

Have you considered if you do have Dee move in, getting Mel back?  I think I'd do anything for my dog, losing Kodie would finish me off.

[Gwenivere]

I lost my whole post!   Basically the state is here and mucking things up with nit picking rules like nurses have to watch you take meds, can’t get drinks or cookies from activities and meals eaten when delivered. I’ve made a lot of concessions, but I’m not going to be woken up at 7 am or made to eat when I’m not hungry.  I want them overseeing big stuff, but I recall this happening when I volunteered and complicating things not a big deal.  Every staff member has been on edge all day.  Then I go……what were the odds it happened while I’m here in the whole year?
 

Last night I had a nurse who, thank gawd I checked, gave me the wrong thyroid meds.  My usual nurses have no problem finding my brand meds as I am the first patient for this ward so the pill bottles are right there with  the card.s they pop the generics out of.  How I’m going to switch my antidepressants in the morning I haven’t figured out yet.  Slight of hand I hope works.  
 

I found the letter from my insurance  cutting me off in February to fax my surgeon.  Had my last strength exercises today unless I get lucky and don’t pull my therapist Sunday for an aide.  I really hope he can influence something as getting some money back would help to put towards actual PT and OT for my back which is why I was here to begin with.  I still say 7 weeks was way too short to see enough improvement to be at home.  I got my biggest reminder was last night putting my toothbrush away and an extra chore.  It was pushing it when it was hard enough.  
 

Again I don’t know what I want beyond what I know I can’t have.  I go over and over it looking for something I missed and haven’t found it.  It’s so odd what I appreciated coming here I resent now. I don’t know if it’s the sameness or the crazy changed driving me nuts anymore.  Guess it doesn’t matter.  The effect is the same.  

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, it sounds like you had a horrid day!  I'm so sorry.  Knowing you'll be out of it soon I know doesn't bring you relief or something to look forward to as you have too many unknowns that have yet to present solutions you can tolerate/see.  It seems there's no workarounds with them!

Karen, how are your eyes doing?  You had one that was still not right, I'm wondering if that improved.

V.R. How are you?  Kieron?  James?

[V. R.]

Hi Kay, I'm doing ok, thank you, struggling and trying to cope as best as I can.  Hope all is fine with you too. I do check in everyday to read all your posts but now I'm just going through one of those particularly depressing  periods,  I think it's due to the fact that the days are so much longer, Spring is in the air, Summer soon. I used to look forward to this time of year, hate it now, I must sound crazy saying this but I think of all the lovely days out we used to have together, everything that my husband is missing, it's just not fair. It just occurred to me that 'depression' rhymes with 'regression' and I fear they are both  happening to me, my soulmate wasn't just my other half, he was my better half. 

 

[KarenK]

V,

Nine years ago on May 5, my world imploded as I watched my husband take his final breath. It seems like only yesterday. It seems a million years ago. The following year, my destruction was complete as I watched my precious daughter die. And yet, I am still here plodding along, albeit more slowly. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if only a glimmer that you can't quite see just yet. My heart is with you.

[V. R.]

Thank you dear Karen. Your words are comforting, having you all here is really a great help getting through this pain. I'm so very sorry you also lost your beloved daughter, how terribly cruel fate can be, my heart cries for you. 

Sending a big hug to you.