My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I can’t imagine having to make my heat like you do, Kay.  I found mine wasn’t working last night and no maintenance people here today.  The rooms get very cold.  I was so hoping it was being sleepy going to bed.  But it’s definitely not turning on today.  It makes my tremors worse too.  
 

It's a dark drizzly day here, unlike how warm it was yesterday.  I’m struggling with grief heavily so far.  Can’t stop thinking of how things have changed more drastically than I was already trying to keep up with.  Something as small as shutting blinds being hard to reach now.  Any standing person can reach them easily.  Wrote a redundant message to my surgeon.  I’m getting so tired of begging for help.  Called my mail order pharmacy as the site said one thing and a barrage of emails said another.  Maybe I should be grateful for distractions, but prefer they weren’t medical.  The grief keeps bubbling up.  So many things happening yet so cold in my heart.  We always wanted our partners, but really  need them in crisis.  A sounding board.  Someone to say it’s going to be OK and you know it will be somehow.  At least the best it can.  We can’t fix everything for someone, but we can lessen the load. 
 

Dee and I had our first misunderstanding and I’m still not sure it’s worked out.  I called her back and hope we worked it out. It was obvious to me something was wrong but she was ‘avoiding' it so I pushed her.  Gonna write her now so she underrateds we need, I need, to confront these right away.  No overthinking or it gets worse, plus I knew she was not herself.  A part of me she needs to know.  Just as I learned something about her

. I hate this part of a new relationship.  But no avoiding it.  

[kayc]

I hope you come to understand each other.  Sometimes have to take a breather and then talk it out.  We all seem to hve them if close enough.

[Gwenivere]

Post got wiped out again.   I was just typing….see how boring it gets to find anything interesting to say?  Guess this agreed.  I was so careful all day..  Think Dee and I are O.K.  We definitely have different approaches to conflict.  I’m an ASAP and she likes to think about it.  Both are valid but taking too much time allows more who said what when.  She still hasn’t told me exactly what bothered her so all I could do was assure her she’s the most important person n my life right now.  Told her that that last night when I called her back.  Things seemed OK when we talked last night.  Asking my PCP after reading his notes after our last appointment that I’m not well enough to go home safely to If he will send them to my insurance so I can back on skilled. PT.  He’s still anti pain imeds.  I wonder what he considered bad enough to use them.  I don’t like I’ve now been on them over 4 months, but I like being able to move.  But I want off them too.   Not because they don’t help, but because I am dependent on them and the side effects.  Took me about 8 attempts to edit this being on them.  

[kayc]

None of us LIKE taking pain pills, but sometimes they're a necessary evil.  Sometimes the pain is so great that what it could drive someone to is not a good option.  I had surgery on my foot a few months ago and was not given any pain Rxs.  I took an 11 year old Vicodin.  See why I don't throw them away?  You can't get them anymore.  Doctors don't prescribe them no matter how bad off you are!  We're supposed to meditate our way through it?  Wish it away?  What do they think!!!

Maybe you and Dee could compromise...1) She tell you what's bothering you so YOU can think it through and she can have a space, then come together and talk about it after a prescribed period of time you both agree on?  It's not fair to hit you with something but you don't know what!  Or when she'll be willing to talk.  Or if.  How can either of you have a meeting of the minds or agree on (or agree to disagree) if you don't even know what it's about!  Not fair.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with all of the demands on me right now, medical appts, meetings, etc at church, babysitting at my son's, taking care of Jazzy 1 1/2 weeks, people wanting me to go to ladies retreat for four days with Kodie for 4 days/nights when I sleep different from all of them and no privacy when I'm used to living alone, funerals, so much going on!  We have our routine, I'm getting old, this is hard.  I try saying no but everyone is so damned pushy!  You know it's too much when you can't figure in when to get groceries (where I live it'll take a good 4 1/2 hours).

[nashreed]

At least you have people who want you to do things with them, or for them. It might not be ideal, not what you want to do, but it's nice to be wanted and needed. Nobody needs me anymore. That's what I miss two years in. My Mom and brother are stubborn and don't take my advice and will not see a doctor if they're sick. My Mom could be bleeding out of her eyes and if I ask if she's ok, she says "Yes, of course". Maybe it wasn't good that Annette depended on me, but she did and now I miss the stress of worrying about her. How sad and sick is that? Nobody cares if I'm alive or dead. The Forum goes on whether I post or not. I just don't know how I'm supposed to care about living without anyone that cares about me. Life without love is not worth living. 

[Margm]

So hard to stay out of things when one calls and is crying, but begging me not to get involved.  I keep hearing Billy telling me to stay out of something, and he was right, right up until hours before he left.  I try to tell "them" I cannot get involved, and so far I'm listening to Billy.  I wished I had listened to him more when he was here.  Now I have to do it to protect myself, no one else can protect me.  I keep remembering for a short time, northern native tribes put us old people out on icebergs.  Government stopped it fast.  Elderly are revered in some countries and protected.  My cousin's husband is in a nursing home, she is there every day but now he does not even know her.  He whipped colon cancer, he was an innocent person that was standing around when some idiot decided to shoot people, was paralyzed from waist down, when he was young.  My cousin reminded me that "he" was now 90-years-old.  She said she loved him so much.  I never even imagined being so old and having fear.  Time has passed so fast, but so slow too. I try to think of my mom and grandmothers and wonder if they had my fears too.  Mama was 95 with Alzheimer's, Mammaw was 95 and had a stroke, Grandma was 84 with another cancer.  Mammaw's last words to me were "I've had a hard time."  Grandma's last words in her coma, me sitting by her bed, were "I couldn't be a wife to him."  She had had my kind of cancer when she was very young, after seven children.  Married at 15.  I figured she had been a wife enough.  And "Life" was also a magazine.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Doctors don't prescribe them no matter how bad off you are!  We're supposed to meditate our way through it?  Wish it away?  What do they think!!!

In my case they did prescribe, but are not monitoring it well at all.  I’ve told them about the side effects. The thing that bothers me the most is they don’t want to talk more about it.  They got me dependent and should be helping me more to handle it.  Right now I feel like an addict.  I need to ask if there is something to step down to.  Time is running out that I have here.

Real showers are back .  Although I’m in terrible pain, having running water on my body felt so good.  It’s been a month.  My shower aide said she never mentioned she could go home for one as it made us feel lacking.  Anyway, it feels good to feel really clean again.  I got leg exercises today.  Managed to lose my glasses which created a panic.  Found them in the trash can by my bed.  Knocked in there at some point.  

Marg, I don’t Know what you committed to you regret, but I hope it doesn’t take too much of.a toll on you.  Women sure live long in your family.  My mom only made it to 73 an.d I don’t know if I will.  I thought that was waY up there when I was .35.  I never counted further than 2000 when I was younger.  Got my only limo ride when I turned 50, Steve’s gift to me.  I had the driver go thru MacDonalds after our fancy dinner for burgers for the dogs   Barely fit the tight turns.  
 

I'm waking to the reality more and moRe .everyday to the reality I may never stand up again.  It’s so hard to know your whole day is filled with the same routine of no progress and no one really cares.  I’m another body in a facility that is a count of broken ones, but some not very bad and will go home to ongoing lives.  They laugh and have plans.  May not like being here but have a good attitude.  I have a vague recollection of something like that.  
 

are back.  Although I was in 

 

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

At least you have people who want you to do things with them, or for them.

There's a humongous difference between doing things WITH someone who cares about you and demands to do things FOR them!  I have the latter, not the former.  Do NOT need that!!!  I have my hands full with ME and Kodie at 70!

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

Nobody cares if I'm alive or dead.

I don't feel anyone does either except maybe George from this site and we're friends but only by phone/messaging as we're across the US from each other so can't do anything together, it's different from being in person and hanging out.  Don't have that.  If I stopped doing things for people, you'd see how fast they'd drop me, or worse yet, continue tto hound/pressure me.  NOT pleasant at all!

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I need to ask if there is something to step down to.

Do you have a PCP you could do a phone visit with and explain your concerns to?  Sometimes specialists are hard to get through to.  Right now I don't have a PCP I care to talk to.  I miss Dr. Volpi.   Damn!  And I didn't give him permission to leave!

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Found them in the trash can by my bed.

OMG, I'm so glad you found them!  Wow.

My DIL told me two days ago everything was still on for me to come babysit Thurs/Fri...last night my son called and said he's had Covid for four days, hit hard with lungs/coughing/breathing, all activities canceled.  What was she thinking, she'd just let me come and get it so long as she got what SHE wanted?!!  So that's off.  They got a puppy two weeks ago, adorable, a Golden Retriever, great choice for kids!  He will be huge.  My kids grew up with one, used to ride him like a pony, he was 120 lbs, so sweet, so gentle.  My Arlie was half Golden.  I am shocked it wasn't a Husky or Newfoundland!  But relieved.  Esp. after the horrid attack we sustained in September from his last "adoption."

Gwen, I'm so glad you got a real shower!  I can't imagine a month of "bed baths," ugh!  And leg exercises!  Great news!  Now if they'd just resume activities/Bingo.  And if someone would just LISTEN to you!  Address your concerns!

Marg, they seem to live a long time in your family...mine too, excepting my dad.  

[Gwenivere]

On 5/18/2022 at 4:36 AM, kayc said:

Do you have a PCP you could do a phone visit with and explain your concerns to?  Sometimes specialists are hard to get through to. 

Yes, I’m asking both my surgeon and PCP to fax their assessments to my insurance.    I talked to the prescriber here to start dropping my opiate meds.  Was sitting in activities and the pain was bad as always.  They are going to cut it at bedtime,  my preference would be for the evening, but I thought of that after the PA left.  I’m always nodding off all evening so I find it hard to do much like watching Netflix or work on this tablet.  
 

Last nigh there was a wind storm which knocked down part of my cedar fence onto my neighbors car.  No damage and Dee used bungee cords to secure It to the chain link one.  I lost it and was crying. I’m so tired of problems..  Thank gawd Dee was there.  THis iPad wouldn’t come on for a long time.  Had to reboot it.  Saw how screwed. I’d be without it.  Still haven’t called Apple about things I must have done mucking around iin settings.   I wanted to put the same sound for sending mail that got changed.  The problem with the settings is you forget where thigs are or how you find them again.  Writing it down would be wise as you have try it to see what you’ve done.  
 

Had no interest in the new puzzle.  It’s hitting too hard I may be facing a very unnfair existence after having had to lose everything that meant anything to me..  I really wanted to have a few more years with Melody and I don’t see that happening.  People can tell me otherwise, but I know my truth as I live it.  As I told Dee last night, if I hear assisted living one more time I’ll scream.  Talk to the surgeon today.  Meant to write down questions but I know them.  Tell me the truth because what is happening now all point to my life over how I want to live it.  13 years and I have a very clear picture and I don’t like what I see.  😓
 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I hope with all my heart that you and Dee can work out acceptable living arrangements. Maybe she could help you with Mel so she could come home. I know how much this would mean to you. How is Mel doing since her surgery?

[kayc]

It seems like a long time ago since Mel's surgery.  Lately I've been noticing a warp in time in my memory.  Like I have no real concept of time now.  One day turns into another and it's like survival mode and putting out fires, constant struggles.  Last night I noticed the downspout out front was totally plugged and it goes into the ground, so I pulled some of the muck away and tried scooping it out with my hands (gosh that stuff stinks!) but couldn't get inside it far enough nor pry the end off so will have to have Jack take care of it.  He's supposed to come here Sat. but I have more stuff for him to do than he could possibly fit in!  My neighbors said he'd pick up a roll of chicken wire for me and two elec. cables for the generator and I've been trying to connect with him for two days but he hasn't responded (phone msg and text & went over there...no answer) so I can pay him and get the stuff.  Now watch, my son will get the generlink going since I've bought the cables, ha!  

Actually, not sure my son will be able to come here the end of the month since he's out with Covid.  Sounds worse than Omicron, more like Delta.  Forgot to ask if he has a fever, the lung part scares me.  

How'd you do last night, without the pain meds, Gwen?  I hope you were able to sleep.  Gosh, no easy answers.

Karen, my hope about Mel is the same, at least for her to get visits with her.  I've no doubt Mel would love it and would be comfortable either place by now, it'd be nice for her to be home, for both of them!

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I have no real concept of time now.  One day turns into another and it's like survival mode and putting out fires, constant struggles. 

I’ve lost concept of time in the usual way.  It’s coming at me from all directions and often doesn’t make sense.  A lot is being in rehab, but as much is trying to do things I can’t easily anymore.  I hate dreading having to get up knowing I can’t stand to brush my teeth, stop and talk to someone when walking, can’t even look up much more to look them in the eye.  People have to lean way over to look at me.  You just feel…….small and broken.

Just had my surgeon appointment and he is going to contact my insurance that I am in no shape to be sent home.  That I need  PT on a daily basis and have since February when they cut me off.  He wants me to get at least another month.  He agreed it was ridiculous to go home and be sent back as he was sure that would happen.  I stressed we were running out of time.  He’s sending a letter to the rehab, I’m calling back to make  sure he’s also doing so to Premera.  I’m sure said he was, but these meds make me forget quickly.  
 

Got my software update done.  Hate doing those as you ne’er know what they’ll change.  

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

18 hours ago, kayc said:

 at least for her to get visits with her.  I've no doubt Mel would love it and would be comfortable either place by now, it'd be nice for her to be home, for both of them!

Not for Mel and I.  She is about 29: miles away and never been home. She’s happy, settled in and hates being in a car. I won’t do tHat to her nor me emotionally. She either comes home for good or not at all.   She needs a stable situation which she has.  I can’t Have her here a short time and send her away again. That is why I have so much riding on more hard work here.  Fortunately my doctors agree my insurance made tHe wrong decision as I’d be sent back quickly.  I want to go home so bad, but II need to be more independent.  As for Mel, it tears up my heart thinking of all the time I could e feeling that fur and see those beautiful eyes.  I saw some actor n Corden the other night who loved dogs more than people.  Had just done a movie with one and said he so missed him going to work.  Runs into him here and there and are so happy to see each other..  

Time to watch some Netflix.  Finishing El Camino, the movie after breaking Bad about Jesse.  Truly my favorite show ever.

 

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Got my software update done.  Hate doing those as you ne’er know what they’ll change.  

My antivirus tells me I have broken registry items and clutter slowing my PC down, and when my PC starts it wants to do a disk check which I skip as it never finds anything and takes forever, but I've ignored this for years and it still works just fine!  15 years old.

Your describing Mel and your situation breaks my heart, that'd be my worst nightmare.  I'm so sad for you.  I understand, she's over the worst of it, the adjustment period.

[Gwenivere]

It breaks my heart how Mel has adapted.  But dogs are so resilient. I know if she came home she’d take a long time to adapt back.  I so wish I could make a decision, but I have this 'where will I end up?'' hanging over me.  Over everything.   
 

Had counseling today and most was I don’t know where I belong anymore.  I’m very stressed this insurance thing won’t come thru or in time and I have so little of that.  Jinny suggested leaving my blinds open for a couple more hours while there is light.    See if helped my mood.  I waste 4 days as everything is closed in the 11 I have left.  I am getting leg exercises Saturday.  I’m hoping the doctors appeals were faxed today.  If this isn’t decided by north’s end I’ll just be throwing money away waiting.  I can hire someone to come by daily for PT, but I’ll be so lonely.  I’m not sure how I’ll handle very little human contact during the day.  Then I have to adapt to Dee being there.  Now I’m thinking if insurance comes thru, I should be at home.  I can go crazy there in privacy.  
 

Hope everyone experiences some peace this weekend.  💕
 

 

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know if she came home she’d take a long time to adapt back.

I don't think so, this is a familiar place/person, not like starting from scratch.

I take SAMe for mood elevation (natural), liver support, osteoarthritis, anxiety/depression.  I originally started on it for liver but discovered it also lifted my spirits.  I gave it to Arlie too through his cancer journey as it's safe for dogs.

As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Gwenivere]

 

On 5/21/2022 at 2:47 AM, kayc said:

I don't think so, this is a familiar place/person, not lie starting from scratch.

True, but it’s not going to be the same with Dee for either of us.  Just wish I had more time t.o prepare.  I haven’t had a ‘roommate' since I moved in with Steve 32 years ago.  That was for a whole different reason,  was young and the point was to spend a lot of time together.  Same with all our furry kids.  I love Dee, she helps so much.  But I’m not used to it from when I rarely had roommates.  Sometimes we’d do things together, others we had hardly any contact.  Point is I can’t have what I did and what Mel snd I had established.  Nothing is ever going to feel right again.  A reality I have to learn to accept.  So far it hasn’t happened in over a decade.

 I’m just drifting with the days.  Feels like time is speeding up because it is running out.  Probably typical when your not happy about what is ahead.  Dee’s coming up Sunday for a quick visit. Have a Zoom with Nina.  Time flies on this new puzzle as it comes together.  Then the evenings kick in which drag from heavier drug times.  My mind mostly checks out.  So hate it.  I bailed on the movie I started last night.  It looked good, but I couldn’t keep up with all the complicated legal dialogue.  When you read the captions 3 times and still don’t get it, time to go.

 I need to make more of an effort to call my Foss buddy.   Now that I’ve been in here almost 5 months, we have even more in common.   I’m just glad he’s not in constant pain.  He has enough.  He doesn’t walk anymore.  Don’t think he cares now.  I sure get it.  Off to Geronimo.  Think I can keep up with action.  Good Sunday to all. 💕

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Can't sleep, worrying about my grandkids, my son had Covid, now my DIL has it, it's Ceci's bdy this week, so hard.  Ba.2 I'm pretty sure with the lungs/coughing.  So no sleep for me I guess..  Won't be going anywhere today, if I'm lucky I can catch a nap.  Need to clean out the wood stove but not sure I'm up to it today.  Maybe tomorrow.

Your buddy you refer to, is it someone from the home you used to volunteer at?

You're not a kidding how things change.  It's a struggle to maintain mood elevation...

[Gwenivere]

Yes, Tom is a resident at the nursing home I volunteered at.  Known him for years.  I think I avoid talking since I have become trapped too.  It’s the content of the conversation that has so changed.  2 people talking about prisons than about the world.  I’m glad he has his daughters and grandchildren to.keep him going. I haven’t asked about his wife.
 

I'm sorry to hear your family is being ravaged by Covid.  Just can’t get safe from this thing.  Everyone is so worn down about it and giving it leeway to mutate.  I get hating masks, but it’s the best defense we have.  I don’t want to keep getting boosters.  They’ll probably have another by winter with the regular flu shot.  
 

Dee came by with what I needed and also a bag of iced animal crackers I’ve developed a craving for.  We talked about the mess here and how there’s only a week before possibly going home to be sent back.  I don’t know how to make a decision about paying to stay here while a decision is made.. The thought of talking to my insurance tomorrow has me so stressed out.  I’m so sick of this mess.  I live and breathe it.  I don’t know someone does this.  What if this is permanent?  What if this was done wrong to begin with?  I can’t undo anything.  In a year of this, I’ve been away from home for about 7 months.  

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I hear you on dreading talking to them about it.  Sometimes we just need a break.  Everything medical is so hard now.  Nothing should be this complicated.  Throw that in on top of the pain and it's too much...

No word from my son but he's only going to be busier today with working and taking care of sick wife and the kids, dogs.  And he has to feed them all.  Ugh.  

No one showed up this weekend to do what they said they would. Par for the course.

I saw feral cat going by yesterday, at least it wasn't on my place.  I'm still galled by cat lady repeatedly referring to it as MY cat, making it MY problem!  I called her out on it.  She won't help with solution, just aggravates situation.

I have no idea how to get Bert's ashes out of the wooden box, will have to talk to Ken about it before we scatter them.  I don't want to damage the box, it's true craftsmanship.

[Gwenivere]

I  was on the phone with my insurance, long holds as they tried to contact doctors.  I had been OK'd for PT & OT out patient.  They don’t see any letters faxed from my doctors about staying here.   Trying to get docs to fax in escalated orders they can evaluate in 3-4 days instead of 14.  This doesn’t solve my exit date yet.  June is closing in and I need an answer.  Costly to wait.  
 

Dee and I had a run in last night.  She takes things wrong at times and waits a long time to bring them up which always complicates things and I feel bad, but didn’t know.  She waits hours to telling me so I get upset.  Yesterday she waited over 6 hours before calling upsetting herself more.  I’m a firm believer in settling things ASAP. I know we a4e different, but his is not good.  Has happened before. and I don’t know why she continues to do it.  We worked thing# out but I want to avoid this.  Anytime put people together there will be occasional friction.  
 

The nurse I have for 3 days has been consistently late with my meds..  I’m sick of my other doses being squished together so I’m overly sedated and have more side effects.  This time it was a fall and talking to some family members.  Said there was only her and 22 o us.  I thought that is what aides were for too.  My other day nurse brings stuff early to avoid this.  Now my night aide 'jokingly' implied it call too much.  Guess he has forgotten when I could barely get up.  I’m still wishing I’ll wake up in bed with Steve.  I wish the first thing I saw was that glorious head of hair resting quietly next to me.  At leas5 wishes are free.  💕
 

 

 

[kayc]

I wonder if she can compromise and tell you what bothers her at the time, THEN take a space while you both process it, then come together to discuss...no need for it to cause upset, it's usually a misunderstanding between two people, we're all different.  George and I were so fortunate in that respect, we KNEW where each other's hearts are and had FAITH in each other to know the other meant well and would hold onto that faith until such a time we could come together and discuss it.  And our friendship first formed through writing so it'd be at least a WEEK before we could write and get a response about it!  I've never had that with anyone else but it was a good core basis for our relationship.  My former roommate and I would often have to wait to talk about things because I worked days, she worked nights and we only had one day off together, but usually it was over her unplugging my yogurt maker when I told her not to or her eating my food.  Other than that we really didn't have issues.

I've learned in life that we all have filters that color our perception, and thus our responses.  Everything we've been through in life is a filter through which we view things.  We have to learn about our own filters and how they have affected us.  But it also means learning about other people's, which takes time to get to know them well.  Once we understand each other, it helps.

Gosh, your insurance sounds like a pain to deal with!  I hate how they get information and say they didn't.  What do they do with the stuff that is sent to them, serve lunch on it?

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m still wishing I’ll wake up in bed with Steve.

It's a pleasant thought to contemplate though, isn't it.  I know if George were here, I'd still be asleep instead of waking up to stay at 2 am!  It was such a warm comfortable feeling, it felt like the best place in all the world to be, we always slept comfortably snuggled in each other's arms...of course, we were still young then.  Now I sleep in my reclining loveseat.  Kodie's taken to switching to HIS rather than sharing mine.  Maybe I move too much or something, I don't know.  

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

I wonder if she can compromise and tell you what bothers her at the time, THEN take a space while you both process it, then come together to discuss...no need for it to cause upset, it's usually a misunderstanding between two people, we're all different. 

That’s a great reminder and I used to do that butt it’s been years sine I needed that tool.  I did say something that upset her, but it turns out something someone else had too.  When we talked about it, she had combined the two realizing what I had said was no big deal and probably didn't need talking about at all.  The other was a big problem caught up in her mood.  I told her she needs to worK on that.  Its not fair I had to feel so bad and defend myself on something that should have been a very minor, if at all, issue.  

                                                                                                                                             

14 hours ago, kayc said:

What do they do with the stuff is sent to them, serve lunch on it?

That’s what I’d like to know.  To be told to fax something and then find out it was the wrong number, what was the point of the hours I invested giving them every detail?  This still leaves me with the dilemma of paying even a week to avoid possibly moving twice.  Different room and all that intake repeated .  Every party involves different actions.  If they turn me down, this is a very pricey way to find out.   All i can hope for is a decision, hopefully in my favor, this week.  If that happens, I can get back to trying to get better with much more help.   What a concept. 
 

Just heard of the shooting in Texas of 18 children and a teacher.  It’s sobering that this keeps happening and it’s become a political issue instead  of loss of life.  It’s a grief I cannot totally relate to, but my mind conjurers images of small bodies
so savagely taken away.  I don’t know why  these people make these decisions and can provide no answers as they lose their lives too.  Would that help?  Seems not.  The innocents are still gone.

 I was thinking the other night what a good life i had.  How I took it for granted because we deserved it.  We all do.  I never felt we had more or less than anyone else.  We had just what we needed when we did.  We had some very dark times that should have torn a couple apart.  As tough as they were, we came out stronger.  Bt that is over.  All I’ve ever known is an exciting life, a love for it.  Nw I’m here.  Lost.  Wondering what the purpose of this is.  What is there to fight for and I don’t know how to even know ho  Nothing feels natural anymore.. Certainly not here and won’t at home.  Ad there’s that word….home.  Haven’t a clue what that is now.

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I haven't watched the news all week, I turned it on to find out about the shooting (I saw a reference to it on FB), it's horrible.  I cried.  I usually am not affected by things, but these are somebody's CHILDREN!  I can't imagine anyone doing this.  Hurting people hurt people.  An 18 year old kid.  I knew they'd make it about guns.  It's not the gun, it's the person, they can use any method.  They can criminalize it until they're 21, you think that'd stop them from getting them? We already have tough gun laws here, have to lock them up unless you live alone.  I grew up with guns, us kids never dreamed of touching them!  We knew our parents would kill us. Seriously, back in those days this was unheard of, it's like something has gone awry in raising kids.  Maybe when both parents had to work?  IDK.  I worked FT when my kids were 10 & 12 on (I did day care when they were younger) and they were great, the parenting went in way before that, they knew the rules.  But they didn't have the rage in them that this kid had.  Someone else lost a kid yesterday, only no one will comfort them, the world is against them now.  Tragic for all.  The teacher shot in the head, that can't be good.  I've learned there are things worse than death from my own life...my sister Donna and us lived it, and yet we still had her, it was hell for her, for all of us, but we lived through it somehow.  She lived trapped in her own body, missing her little boy, for 50 years.

I don't like to watch the news, it's all bad.  I don't need to hear how bad this summer/year/life will be.  I need to build hope into my life, have something to look forward to in the day.  Anything.  I need to deal with the calamities as they come, it's not good to be ruled by fear.

I'm glad you're having these discussions with Dee, hopefully it'll gradually improve.

Our whole system, medical, political, etc., is gone amuck it seems.  My parents are lucky to be spared this world...I can't imagine the world my grandkids are inheriting.  I don't think I want another 20 years of this!  I just want to last as long as Kodie does.  I want to be here for him, that's my primary concern.