My Sanity Needed Vents

[V. R.]

Absolutely shocked about what's happened in Texas. My heart goes out to all those families who have lost their loved ones, those poor little innocent souls, no words to describe this horror. 

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

can't imagine anyone doing this.  Hurting people hurt people.  An 18 year old kid.  I knew they'd make it about guns.  It's not the gun, it's the person, they can use any method.  They can criminalize it until they're 21, you think that'd stop them from getting them? We already have tough gun laws here, have to lock them up unless you live alone. 

I don’t know what the laws are in Oregon.   I don’t care where someone lives, there is no need for assault weapons.  Changing the age for purcHasing a gun will solve nothing.  I like rifles for target shooting.   But they could disappear and I’d be fine.  I also see is has become a political issue, more than common sense.  Saw the prime minister of New Zealand on Colbert saying they watched what happens here and stopped sales of assault weapons with no problems.  Not  the place for this discussion. 
 

More problems getting my meds.  So tired of feeling sick.  I’m burning up with all the too close or too far apart. doses.  But I can also be freezing..  Nurse says the facility is already hot.  Never can get comfortable.. I know the pain meds are complicating  this more.  I got the up to date list from the PA and it’s basically close to my home schedule except times.  No oxy or so much Tylenol at home either.  I’m also exerting myself walking.  I finally confronted my aide when he I wanted my portable oxygen changed.  I am a veteran of knowing how long they last.  I’m fed up with his judgements and told him so. I don’t call for his opinion.  It’s an unprofessional trait in an aide.  He tried to push back and  I  wouldn’t have any of it.  Id question my behavior if this happened with other aides, but it doesn’t.   
 

On the plus side, I won twice at bingo.  Another woman there was on fire winning 5 times.  I’m up to $12.50.  Nice thing was they sent someone to remind me.  
 

It’s a weird feeling, but if my insurance lets me stay, I’m not sure i can handle much more being here.  Ive written so much about wanting help, but my mind is worn out with all the surroundings, loneliness, dependency even tho I know it would be harder at home.  I guess i want a home again.  I want it to have a definition again.  I don’t want a roommate.  I want my furry kid.  But as Steve always said, you can wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which fills fastest.  How did it come to this?   Why couldn’t we have growth old together?  At least got to our 70’'s with a grey muzzled dog and eat easy meals while we watch a lot of TV because we’re tired so much.  One day a crisis would happen.  The other wouldn’t have to be alone so long.  We could have started thinning things out sooner so its not so overwhelming.  Helped each other like we always did.  
 

That's another one of those wish things hat fill nothing.  
 

 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

there is no need for assault weapons.

Absolutely! 1,000% agree!  And an 18 year old kid is not fully grown up, esp. the male's brain is not fully developed for a number of years yet!  Here we have to lock up our guns unless we live alone.  

 

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Not  the place for this discussion.

Yes and no.  Politics no, but it is absolutely grief, our whole country is grieving, the families are grieving, it dominated our thoughts for a couple of days...our lives go on, for these families, it does not.  THAT is why I brought it up, it was heavy on my mind, and not mine alone, but pretty much everyone who has a heart.

Jonestown shows it's not always the gun alone that's the weapon, where there's a will there's a way, but we don't need to make it easy for a kid to get a hold of one and do so much damage in the blink of an eye either!  This morning I squashed a carpenter ant on the floor (they're hatching out and get everywhere)...he was crawling on the floor and then instantly stopped...I thought that is how life is, we're going along...until we aren't.  My sister's recent death was that way, so quick, so unexpected.  None of us know which breath is our last.  We make the most of what we have and know, that is all we can do.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 He tried to push back and  I  wouldn’t have any of it.

Good for you!  We have to stick up for ourselves.  If we don't, who will!  I refuse to let people run rampant over me, although they sure as hell try!

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

On the plus side, I won twice at bingo.  Another woman there was on fire winning 5 times.  I’m up to $12.50.  Nice thing was they sent someone to remind me.  

Good for you!  A positive in your day.  I take them any way I can get them!  This sounds weird but my positive yesterday was Kodie finally pooped! He'd ingested something long that didn't break down a couple days before, I saw it in his stools, a bit more the next day, yesterday he would not go.  I was beyond worried about him!  I walked him a total of 3 1/2 hours yesterday trying to get him to go!  I was so worried about blockage!  Finally last night he went, I was beyond relieved, and no more foreign substance in it.  Never did figure out what it was but I suspect a crackle toy I had to throw away.  He loved it but the contents weren't for eating!

Gwen, I get it about wishing we could have grown old together, how different our lives would be!  Weathering the storms of life together instead of always alone...

[Gwenivere]

On 5/26/2022 at 5:12 AM, kayc said:

I thought that is how life is, we're going along...until we aren't.  My sister's recent death was that way, so quick, so unexpected.  None of us know which breath is our last.  We make the most of what we have and know, that is all we can do.

I understand.  I know that is why we try so hard for any kind of control.  Unless we have a sudden death,  we are in that holding pattern til it decays.  It’s hard we now think of our own demise.  Something that never truly existed a long time ago.  To go even further, we think of how.  We watch our bright life become dimmer as it runs out of fuel.  I hate my mind being filled with this stuff.  Some handle it so much better.  I wish i knew I knew how to.  The only thing I try and do is unload here because we understand the power of death.  I do apologize  it may pull others into dark thoughts.  I know hearing that-kid bought a gun on his birthday with plans to kill while people struggle to live was most disturbing.l. Jonestown also made me so sad.

Glad to hear Kodie is out of the woods.  Rarely had those scares, but their tough. 
 

On 5/26/2022 at 5:12 AM, kayc said:

Gwen, I get it about wishing we could have grown old together, how different our lives ould go would be!  Weathering the storms of life togetherness  instead of always alone..

Until the back issue, I felt independent and could do the few things that kept independence alive.  They weren’t much, but enough to keep the depression in check. As those faded, and it was rapidly last summer, I had to gamble with the surgery.  No one dreamed it would go so awry.  Least of all me.  I want to trust doctors.  I spent almost 2 hours on the phone ahhhhhgain with my insurance as I’ve heard nothing about the status of the doc appeals. about what to do here.  June will be here and I don’t know what to do. I am not surprised they didn’t follow thru on updating me.  I got so frustrated I filed a grievance about them.  That added more time caught up in that. Still doesn’t solve if i want to deplete my funds to get an answer.  So, as of now, I haven’t a clue what to do.  My property taxes are late so I’ll probably call today and see if i can get the penalty erased.   Easy to prove i haven’t been home since they came out.  Canceled counseling with many things happening today.  Watch 3 days slip by i can do nothing to move this medical mess along.  They could call today or my last paid day here with good news.  I wouldn’t dare a bet on me.  

[kayc]

Wow!  https://kval.com/news/nation-world/husband-of-teacher-slain-in-texas-elementary-school-dies-of-grief-uvalde-texas-robb-elementary-school-mass-shooting-irma-garcia

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Until the back issue, I felt independent and could do the few things that kept independence alive.

That's how it was with me until my knee and hand injuries.  Medicare won't pay for my knee (long story) and they already did their damage to my hand, won't let them touch them again!  17% strength BEFORE the surgery, much less now, plus continual pain added.  I am reliant on my handyman and lately he has been no-show.  Sigh.  I absolutely need a couple of things done and my son was going to come tonight before Covid wreaked its damage on his household.  I hate counting on others.  Problem is, you can't.  It's not like doing things yourself.  Now we have no choice.  I see other people's beautiful yards, knowing I can't do that anymore.  

Looks like it'll be a bad year for bees, it took me a 1/2 can of spray to kill one wasp!  He just refused to die, drowning in it!

I had to repaint my porch, looks like the painter missed a bunch last year, plus I notice the dog pen is peeling horribly, he did it last summer but it's horrible, so need to scrape/repaint it too and it's calling for cold and rain all week.  I'm itching to get at it but can't.  I know my hands will pay for it, they pay for everything I do, even cooking, dishes, cleaning.  I wanted to clean out the woodstove and then clean the house but we'll have 40s again so will need to build another fire so no point.

Would your doctor's assistant be able to let you know what they've found out on the appeal?  I know doctors never seem to have time for us anymore.  A sign of our times, I'm not sure why everything's changed.  I've heard it's hard to get in to doctors in Canada, well it seems it's getting just as bad here and we don't even have uniform health coverage here.

 

[Gwenivere]

My doctors assistant wouldn't know what is going on.  They did their part of faxing the letters.  Its up to Premera to respond and I made it very clear i only had until May 30th.  When I called yesterday they couldn’t find the letters that were faxed twice Monday and Tuesday.  As I’ve said, i don’t want to leave and come back.  The doctors said that is what will happen.  Ive been neglected too long to be alone.   I’ spent almost 2 hours on the phone again.  By sheer luck, they got the surgeon.  It was too late to process his referral.  Have to wait until next Tuesday. 3 lost days.  
 

My brain is so frazzled I almost paid my property taxes twice.  I wrote a check for Dee to mail and called her for info for the website.  Crazy.  Couldn’t get rid of the late penalty.  Law says it stays even if you were comatose.  The state rep even said she thought it was unfair.  There goes more money i could have used towards med bills.  I should just throw my finances open and let the vultures eat them away.  
 

I’m trying to figure out why i am so physically sick at night.  It’s got to be dinner and not much movement.  Mornings are fine.  Every day i see and feel how I’m walking using my back for weight bearing and not helping it all all.  I’m starting to feel it more sleeping now.  I don’t know if anyone has holiday plans.  If so, i hope they go well.  If not, i hope you have a peaceful weekend.   I’ll  play some bingo and try and be grateful I won’t have a phone to my ear even if I ave to live in uncertainty.
 

 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The state rep even said she thought it was unfair.

The gov't and their "rules" have no empathy.   The same with the spay and neuter clinic I canceled right away after they talked so horribly to me, they took their $ and ran!  I filed a dispute with my bank, have heard nothing, it's been a month already.  I hate the way our country has gone but what choice do we have.

Quoting stopped working.  I hope you win at Bingo!  Nope, no plans, as usual, people want me to do their bidding but don't include me in their fun.  Always alone it seems...I have Kodie, he's my godsend.

[nashreed]

I'm glad that you hopefully can relax (for lack of a better word) this holiday weekend, Gwen. At least you have activities back. It's so incredibly lonely on a holiday weekend. You feel like you're supposed to be doing something, anything. Right now my Mom is watching an annoying "NCIS" rerun (I never realized how the old episodes had this forced witty banter, like it's trying to be "Moonlighting" or something). I see all my Facebook "friends" on vacation and doing things. It would be a miracle if someone would just text and say "Hi". I never realized how much I would need friends, and there are none to be found. So many people seem to have too many. There should be an even distribution. Of course, it's my fault. I never wanted to be with anyone else before, and now I have no one when I need a friend. Absolutely no one cares I exist (except Mom and brother, the only family I have). 

[Gwenivere]

I cant really relax.  I have no idea what the ruling will be.  It may not even come Tuesday.  I have to pay starting Wednesday again.   This is turning out to be a terribly hard weekend.  Still feeling sick most of the time.  My usual 'life' here is becoming i want escape from at almost any cost.  The thought of waking up again i truly dread. But first I get to do all the sleep rituals.  Then the funky dreams.   So,  no relaxing.  Just another countdown to do this…….again.  

[kayc]

I think feeling like there's no one that cares is one of the hardest parts to this.

[Gwenivere]

It’s definitely the worst feeling I’ve had in my life.  Even when someone dislikes you they feel something.  To not matter at all is so cold.  It was always there out shopping or whatever, but we had other people who did.  What I can’t figure out is Dee loves me, but it’s kinda a pressure added to it.  I’m guessing that’s from the roommate situation coming up.   
 

Finally got hold of a pharmacist about physically cutting my pain pills because of possible increased side effects from it.  It is OK.   It was unclear on the net.  I get so tired of reading conflicting information there   I’m tired or reading It period.  My brain is just so scrambled by these meds.  I couldn’t even find Walgreens phone number for a long time as I’m so affected by them.  I want a bit mor distance  between doses and to more to get off then  It’s getting too much influence on my emotions.  
 

I went to bingo.  Won one game which got me to $13.  Was a small attendance and everyone won something.  Was a nice break in a very boring day.  Hard to be involved in much else as there wasn’t anything.  I tried the puzzle again. I feel like a short time4, tho I don’t know where I’d go.  
 

Another day down.  Another on the  way.  Watching all the people work here and feel discarded for no purpose but to give them on3.

[KarenK]

I'm not sure I could have a roommate who cared for me in a romantic way when I didn't return those feelings. It would definitely create tension. I hope the two of you have worked that part out. You certainly don't need any more stress.

Nothing happening here this weekend. I sure miss those times going fishing or just driving around in the forest.

Hope your insurance company's decision is in your favor and that you can finally get some help.

[kayc]

I'm glad you got the bingo activity also!  We need a brief respite sometimes from our existence, it helps.
My son spent 22 hours here along with his 3 1/2 month old Golden Retriever puppy, Murray.  Kodie is worn out from Murray (high energy) and slept long and hard last night, still asleep!

My son had to heat the moldings behind the fireplace, they're plastic and melted!  He nailed them in place, I never could have done what he did, awkward position on the stepstool, he had to move my stamp cart (full of wooden stamps) to get the stepstool in.  He replaced a long defunction light fixture above bathroom sink, very awkward position to work, inside a box on the ceiling.  He brought two chairs to use as parts for three of mine that needed replaced from when Arlie chewed on them as a puppy, 2009.  Discovered one back is broken from a heavy person, couldn't replace that but it's fine for someone not heavy. it's cracked inside so as long as there's no pressure... He checked out my woodstove and discovered the reason I'm going through so much wood and can't regulate the heat this year is because of a warped bypass door, probably a ruined combustor as a result, and needs rope replaced.  He'll have to come back as we got a cold storm and needed a fire in it, also will need to order parts.  I'm glad I did the painting I did, it does make the place look better.  I'd cleaned and cooked while he was coming, my hands paying for it now.  I got the ceiling fan changed to summer and cleaned again.  He replaced several outlets, one had a burned wire!  He showed me how to tell if they're going bad.  He also did a work around on the bathroom sink plug so it's hooked now and goes up and down.  I forgot a couple of things on my list as I forgot to look at it!  No big deal.  He checked out my chimney and told me why it's doing what it did, it was the heavy snow compressing, he told me of a fix he is considering, will need more parts.  He even tightened my cheese slicers!  All while he's still recuperating from Covid.  Still he kept me up until 11 (he's a night owl, I'm a morning person) and we woke up early (Murray).  

No sign of feral cat during the continual downpour we've had all weekend.

I hope you all have a good Memorial Day!  I have to make the 100+ mile trek for groceries, probably have to pay even more for gas.

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm not sure I could have a roommate who cared for me in a romantic way when I didn't return those feelings. It would definitely create tension. I hope the two of you have worked that part out. You certainly don't need any more stress.

It has definitely been a topic we’ve discussed.  She is very aware I’m straight and that is not going to change.  We have to look at the bigger picture and that is the friendship that comes first.  It is something i keep in mind, but I’m more wondering how I’ll adapt to havre another person in the house.  Ive been there years alone.   Coincidentally we talked once today about bringing Melody home, but i want her to really think about it as she'd have to do so much. Her first impulse was to say yea immediately.  As for stress, if I could laugh, I’d unfurl a scroll of them.  I’ve been putting them here probably boring everyone to tears.  😩

Called Netflix to find out how to get to seasons I wanted.  Now I can’t remember how.  Swiss cheese brain.  Had a talk with the PA here about the pain meds.  I do want off but want to be careful.  I’ve already forgotten the next changes , i think it’s the 10pm dose.  Sat in activities a long time chatting.  Now another walk and prep for another long night.  Of coarse the kitchen got my dinner wrong.  Not that it appeals.  Watching the news about today is really about, no cookouts and gathering s.   My family never went to the cemetery as no one there.  It was a fun day.  Miss our cookouts.  It’s been so long.  Festivals going on despite the cold and rain.  Steve would have braved it for burgers or steaks in the carport.

Today is the day I should hear something from insurance.  If they got onto things.  It’s a shower day and my last paid one here that I know of.  Talk about stressed out.  Dee called to say hi and I couldn’t talk.  I just want to get lost in some TV and go to sleep.  Really dread getting woken up.  Even no call will have me on edge.  Hope I I can put this off.

 

[KarenK]

I've never really been alone my entire life except for about a years time after Ron died. I went from being a teen to being a wife and mother at 17. About the time Debbie was mostly raised, I had Robert. Then my grandson, David came along when Robert was 16. I was always raising kids, it seems. After Debbie died, David(now grown) moved in with me and eventually my son did. Not sure I'd know how to act if I was alone and not taking care of someone in one way or another.

I think it's great that Dee is receptive to bringing Mel home. Dogs don't really require a lot, just food, water, and outside access to go potty. Vet and grooming trips should be few and far between. Think of the love Mel would give and receive. Still, I know it's a tough decision. I'd try the roommate thing for a while first though.

I'm seeing more shows available on Paramount+ that I would like to see, but just hate adding more cost to my cable. Peacock is free with my cable and has started showing some of the newer movies. I'm sure one day "free" will go away. Nothing good lasts forever.

[kayc]

Wow, I've been "alone" all my life, even while married, except the short few years George and I were.  He's the only one I ever really felt connected with.  I felt closest to Paul Sr. when babies on the way, esp. the first one...I worked for years to be able to have them!  (PCOS/infertility, which come to find out are related to diabetes, which doctors didn't tell me and I was as of yet undiagnosed).   You can be alone, even in a marriage, perhaps even MORE so! 

Gwen, could they give you a print out of the schedule for your meds?  I'm of the age I need everything written down!  I walk into a room to get something and by the time I get there, I forgot what I went in there for!  So I go sit back down and THEN I remember!  A good way to get exercise, I figure.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I pretty much know my meds, it’s the pain meds that are changing.  I do have it written down.  Since they keep shifting I get confused and they, themselves, do that.  They did drop my afternoon anxiety meds because of adding the pain meds.  
The timing is all off because the stress and the schedule here.  Things will be tough when I get home this time too with the roommate situation.  I preferred being alone at night.  I don’t know if i can get back to my old schedule as it was just Melody and me.  I liked my old schedule.  I’ve been retrained by this place. 

Even when I was young I’ve done the forgetting why I went into a room.   Not as often. At least going back was no big physical deal.   It’s crazy how I really try and consolidate times i am up as it’s so painful and awkward to be.  I’ve lost all thigh tone.  Used to be one of my best assets.  😊  Institutional life is awful, but now that i am stuck, I know I’ll miss the people i see during the day.  I talked to Dee about TV time and she said don’t worry about it.  Whatever I want to do.  That simplifies things.

Didn't hear a word from my insurance.  I knew I couldn’t trust them to keep me updated.  They said they’d call even if nothing was happening yet yesterday so I’d know.   Now I’m facing paying, but don’t know for how long. .  So much for their script of their everything being an investment in my care.  Had Dee open  something that came yesterday and it was an EOB from 2020.  Seems my telling them how important this was to me financially as well as physically felt on fake caring ears.  I don’t want to call again.  I got this far in the week.without voluntarily doing it.  Getting attention here is getting bad.  Very understaffed at night.  I make a lot of noise.  Call the front desk if I get no reasonable response.   I do plan on calling administration.  Don’t mess with a person in massive pain.  Sometimes honey doesn’t work.  Not with this one anymore.  
 

 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Don’t mess with a person in massive pain.

Wisdom!

I know your old way of living on your own is gone for now but I hope things settle into a good routine for you when home and that your back can heal to something easier to live with in time.  It's sad what they have called "rehab" as many days I think it was lacking greatly.

My daughter's divorce wasn't dismissed but they want her to go buy a form from the courthouse and fill it out and file it...again, another!  Will this never end!!!  And always it means time off work for her which she can't afford as she works for herself and we all know that means three times the work!

[Gwenivere]

When I got divorced at 25 it was simple.  Most don’t have much.  Somehow I got the washer, the only thing bought together and the place we rented.   I didn’t even use an attorney. Walked into with one name and out with another.  What a pain to have to fill out paperwork. 
 

Called Premera again.  It’s so obvious this is messed up.  I was transferred 3 times.  They wanted to call me back.  I opted to wait from trust issues they would.  At least the rep said the appeal was reopened.  I have to get rehab to call and OK and authorize  my stay.  I think they said it would be expedited.  There’s a chance it can be back billed I feel awful today.  Nurse thinks it’s a.lot thyroid.  It is much worse.  I’m afraid to call for bloodwork’ as I’m not approved to be.here.  Very costly.   I don’t fit anywhere.  This is crazy.  The insurance guy here just came by confused about how to approach this and will have to call Thursday about putting their part of the puzzle together.  He couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me if he thought I still belong.here.  I reminded him PT got me walking, but then no further help for balance and posture. I needed more than that to be successful and being home for good.  He brought up the legal appeal i have, but I want to keep trying Premera too.  It’s open so let’s pursue it.  
 

So another night lost.  I just cant see a way out.  I want to walk, but I don’t want to sacrifice more of my life here.  I beat myself up for waiting so long to appeal this again, but i was basically told that had been exhausted.  I wasted 3 months.  I thought by keeping moving it wold improve.  Ignored the obvious thinking it would change.   Allowed myself to get burned out.  Im almost ashamed I lost my fighting spirit.   N, not almost.  I am.  

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What a pain to have to fill out paperwork. 

It's unbelievable what they require now!  Good news, they didn't dismiss it, bad news:  They want yet ANOTHER document, IS NINE pages long, very legal reading, and overwhelming.  Paralegal friend is going to try to file it online today using electronic signature.  She is a godsend!  I'm going to send her some $ when all is said and done, she's more than earned it!  If we had to start over with this I'd have to pay for a lawyer, huge bucks!  It was $2,000 in 2008, God knows what it is now or how long it'd take.

I'm also going to have to expend some major $ on my woodstove, it needs a new bypass door, combustor, chimney, rope, will be thousands of dollars but cheaper/easier than replacing the whole thing.  That's why I went through so much wood this winter and it burned way too hot no matter how it was set.  The warped bypass door (which you can't see) is what wrecked the combustor, it's job is to protect the combustor.  This will all set me back from getting my carport back replaced.    Stocks falling, depleting my IRA is not helping my plans.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

At least the rep said the appeal was reopened.

This is great news!  Dare I hope they find in your favor!  Wouldn't be hard to prove, if only someone LOOKS AT IT!  That's the hard part.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ignored the obvious thinking it would change.

I don't think it's obvious, we hope against hope, what choice do we have in such situations!  The whole system makes things way too hard.  Don't be ashamed of waiting, I think it's instinctual we all hope for something to turn out.  Life is a damned struggle, so it seems!  Esp. the older we get, once we're doled out what we have to deal with.  Odd, you have a bad back, I have bad feet/knees/hands, together we make a whole!  I have a good back but no strength in my hands to lift with.  I can't do the simplest of things.  I had to explain to Jack yesterday that he can use my outdoor faucet but to make sure it doesn't drip when he shuts it off as I can't even close it.  The floor is all wet there so he must not have put the bucket under it.  He's a nice guy, very handy to have but no common sense.  I feel I have to babysit everything he does.  I know HOW to do things, but don't have the strength to do them!  Funny how you feel like a bystander when you get old.  Anyway, he mowed, weed whacked, trimmed, cut a tree, blew off the roof, cleaned the gutters and grate in front of carport, with the painting and cleanup I've done, the place looks great now...except the back of the carport...it feels like a weight on my shoulders.  My son asked me again if I plan on "riding it out" here, I don't "plan" anything, I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in five/ten years from now, I take a day at a time and am trying to last here as long as I can.  I can't afford to buy another place as whatever it is, it'd cost a lot more than I'd get for this one.  And Kodie needs a fence, there's no dog parks here or I'd just take him to one every day.  I love my neighbors, and he has Jazzy, you can't put a price on that.  And I don't want to give up Kodie, he's like my security blanket.  Take him and I'm done.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Im almost ashamed I lost my fighting spirit.

Gosh Gwen, who wouldn't, you must feel exhausted.    I keep hoping for you that things will turn out.  I feel horrendous that I ever encouraged you to get this surgery...and yet what choice did you have?  It seems a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  I'm just so sorry and sorrys do no good.  Just know I care.

[Gwenivere]

What is your 9 page thing for?  Yes, between both our bodies we are pretty useless. I can’t get to the places my upper body would work so it’s pretty much wasted.  
 

On 6/2/2022 at 5:38 AM, kayc said:

Funny how you feel like a bystander when you get old.  

Thats the absolute truth!  I hate it.  Some things i don’t mind farming out like big yard work project’s.  That’s because of being older, tho.  I liked doing them before and feeling accomplished.  Your heat stove will take someone no matter what.  It’s really too bad you don’t have a dog park.  I loved them.  I don’t like walking dogs.  Mel was never trained for it because she’s too skittish.  She was only tight with Ally, even when visiting an acquaintance’s dogs.  Not having Kodie isn’t even an option.

On 6/2/2022 at 5:38 AM, kayc said:

I feel horrendous that I ever encouraged you to get this surgery...and yet what choice did you have?  It seems a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  I'm just so sorry and sorry's do no good.  Just know I care.

Yes, I am totally exhausted as tis has drug out.  Really feel angry no one (including myself) didn’t go after Premera right away, but I was led to believe it was useless.  Please don’t feel bad.  I became nonfunctional and  it would have gotten worse.  If I hadn’t I would have ended up  unable to walk and too late for trying.  If this fails again, I will have added a  possibility more painful year to that.  Ive never been a gambler. had a decent 'life' with Melody.  I wanted to keep that.  Like you, if i lose her, i have no reason to be here. 
 

It’s been a very physical day.  Have heard nothing from insurance.  Do my walks that are not helping except getting me up now and then. Made an extra one to get some cheese ball snacks.  Did my last one til much later.  Each time I go I don’t feel i can ban be fixed.  Then I’m caught in the what will I do? For all the time I’ve wasted here! I’m somewhat relieved I can close it out and escape that huge dilemma when i sleep.  Its odd tho, I know in my dreams now they are illusions.  Pain is worse waking up now too.  
 

Have counseling today.   The facility’s counselor was around yesterday.  My situation is way too complicated to go thru with her.   Years of tangled issues plus wanting to go over my meds?  I don’t think so.  I don’t know how I’ll replace Jinny next year after 30 years.  
 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What is your 9 page thing for?

My daughter's "simple" divorce, filed 2 years 4 months ago, Lane County did nothing about it for two years, now they keep coming up with more and more documents to fill out and she doesn't have a PC nor can afford a lawyer.  My paralegal friend in CA is helping and keeps emailing questions while Melissa is working (she can't work with her cell phone on) hence I keep answering them.   Hoping today the final document will be filed.  She needs this behind her, it was just before East 2017 he left her, shortly after she miscarried.  She's had a broken heart all these years, she needs this over with so she can heal.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know how I’ll replace Jinny next year after 30 years.  

Some people can't be replaced.  Having lost my three generation family dentist (all my life) and the doctor I really liked within a 24 hour period this month...they can't be replaced.  All we can do is get another and start over but never is it the same.  Never.  And I'd feel the same if Marty was gone.  17 years...she's been amazing.

 

[Gwenivere]

I was so depressed when I saw it was time to get up.  I know I’ll be taking a walk hoping  it won’t feel worse.  Im already sitting here nodding off.  It’s becoming the same everyday. Filed out my menu for next week.  Another 3 weeks and I don’t anticipate any helpful change.  I saw the PA and  she is going to up my thyroid meds as this is classic hypo symptoms.  She’s leaving  a muscle relaxant I can ask for.  Those are sedating so not appealing. No one talks about the whole picture and it’s all woven together.  I won’t try it on Sunday because I like bingo for a break.

Had my counseling.  Saw i had nothing new to really talk about but this stuff.  She did suggest I call my shrink about confirming the provider here with the med doses he prescribes. The PA makes me feel I take so much more than others she’s seen.  I remind myself panic disordeR is not something people deal with every day.  Ive never felt so scrutinized on something I just have taken forever.  Made to feel I’m an oddity.  This whole experience is shredding imy self esteem and how ridiculous it is I am here not getting help I need but waiting to even know if it will happen.  It could take to close to the last of the month.  So I keep living here?  II can’t.keep doing this.   I’m feeling like I’m in withdrawal (from what I read agouti it) most of the day.  Very bad right now.  I just took some pain meds tho.  Could be the Xanax.  Could be the antidepressant, but that hasn’t changed.  Only change was the pain med last week.  Yup, taking the opiate made me better.  I am so angry being on them.  

 

 

 

[KarenK]

I know you don't like the idea of moving, but have you ever considered that a different rehab place might be better for you. Obviously the place you're in is not helping you in any way.