Lost my beloved calico suddenly

[FurMama82]

Hi all,

I lost my beloved calico on Mon evening and I am devastated. I know folks here will truly appreciate the shock, immense grief, sadness, and loneliness that comes from losing a furry baby. Savannah J was my child and my chosen family as I don't have a child or significant other. Her absence is so, so painful.  She picked me 13 years ago from a shelter and it truly seemed like the universe brought us together. 

13 years of habits & cohabitation are gone. She will no longer share a pillow with me, meow and head-butt me to in a genuine effort to help me wake up each morning, she'll no long chat away like only a calico does, and she's no longer here to love on and take care of. My heart is broken.

She was diagnosed 1 year ago with stage 1 kidney disease and I thought management of it was going well with special food, meds, and periodic blood work. Sadly, this was not the case.

I was gone all last week to pack up my apt back home as I'm temporarily staying with family in another state due to COVID.  My family cared for her that week and they reported she ate, used the potty, and took her meds daily.  However, when I returned back on Sat afternoon, I thought she looked off.  Her eyes looked tired and she just looked old.  I told myself that I was overreacting and she was her normal sassy self.  However, as the weekend passed she ate less and by Monday, I was quite concerned.  She had begun almost swaying as her back legs seemed weak and she drank more water than she ate. 

I took her into an emergency vet Mon around 5:30pm and it was an awful experience. I was there 4.5-5 hours. The first 2.5-3 of which she was alone as I was not allowed in due to COVID restrictions.  Only after I sobbed on the phone w/ staff as the discussion of euthanasia came up was I allowed in. The staff had poor bedside manner which made an already traumatizing experience worse.  After speaking w/ vet & reviewing the blood panel results & how she presented, spending time alone with my girl, and asking for guidance,  I ultimately decided to have her put down.  She was 15 years old and it seemed the humane decision to make to prevent any suffering or pain.  My girl screamed from the back of the clinic while they tried to get a catheter into her for what seemed like an ungodly amount of time and I sat alone in the room crying, feeling incredibly guilty and scared. I wished I was back home at our normal vet whom I trust 100% and has treated her for years. Ultimately, I had my arms wrapped around her while she left this earth which I'm eternally grateful for. 

I am gutted. My child is gone and while I am getting through the days, the pain is so intense. Without my soul kitty the world seem so lonely and harsh without her. 

Thank you for listening and understanding. Wishing everyone peace and blessings. 

Erin

[MartyT]

[kayc]

I am so so sorry for the loss of your special furchild, and for the immense pain she went through at the vet's hands.  That should not be.  My Arlie (my soulmate in a dog) went out in tremendous pain due to the vet's mishandling and it's something I will never ever forget.  I console myself that he is out of his suffering now and at peace, as is your beautiful calico.  You made the kindest choices, so as to end her suffering, once it reaches that point, there is no coming back from it.  I had my 25 year old Kitty put to sleep Jan. 6 due to her kidneys and liver having shut down.  It is so hard to lose them.  I so miss her demanding Easy Cheese on the step stool by the cupboard where it was kept for her.  She also was very vocal!

It is so hard getting used to our days without them in it, they are such a huge part of our lives and our daily rituals and interactions.

I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace, it has been consoling to me.

 

[Archie11]

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my dog Archie unexpectedly 6 weeks ago,  after the vet who saw him twice beforehand didn’t seem concerned about him though! He was my little son. They make up so much of our daily routine for many years, I am finding it very difficult and painful. Get through the days and nights as best you can, being on here is good for comfort and support. Wishing you peace
 

[FurMama82]

Thank you, @MartyT for the lovely poem, it brought tears of joy to my eyes. @Kayc, @Archie11 thanks so much for your kind words of comfort. I am also terribly sorry to hear about your poor vet experiences with your furbabies and ultimately losing them. That must have been so painful. 

I'm doing the best I can to get through the days/nights while being kind to myself but I miss my girl terribly. 

Wishing you all comfort and peace.

[Gracie4ever]

FurMama my heart breaks for your loss. My Gracie went to rest last Wednesday, from the same symptoms. For two days she had wobbly legs and looked aged, as well, and was extremely thirsty and had kidney disease. I believe she was suffering from renal failure.  She was almost 21 years old and  I miss her terribly, my heart is broken, but I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. She had several health conditions and I just wanted to end her suffering as soon as possible. I’m now dealing with the feeling, did I do it too soon, too late, all the terrible guilt feelings. But I read your post and I know you did the right thing for your girl, you ended her suffering and it helps me to feel I did the right thing too. I wish you peace, you made the right choice for your fur baby.

[kayc]

Sending you my heartfelt condolences, and furbaby too.  The hardest thing I've been through since losing my husband 15 years ago.  My Arlie (dog) had cancer, 25 year old Kitty had kidney & liver shutdown, both within 4 1/2 months of each other.  Lost my other cat three years before that.  I know we both had cats that lived long lives, but it never feels long enough.  

The what ifs following are part of our grief talking, it's not that we did anything to make us feel guilty, but we're trying to find a different outcome, anything, to have them back.  It's a hard process, no matter how you cut it.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

Sending you comforting thoughts of peace.

[GMS]

Erin,

I just wanted to offer my condolensces.

I just lost one of my cats Wednesday evening and I am devasted. This cat came into my life 11 years ago. Someone at work fed him on the outside patio and he of course kept coming back. I started to sit outside to hang out with him and he was the friendliest cat I ever knew. On the day I decided to take him home I went outside and called him and he came running up. I opened the door to the building and he walked right down the hallway with me into the office. When I put him in the carrier he started crying but when I got home with him after his vet checkup and let him out on my bed it's like he knew he was home. My other cat loved him from the start, but he was always mine. He came running to the door when I got home and would love to lie on my lap.

He wasn't just a pet, he was my baby. And I'm sure you feel that way about yours too. He was diagnosed with a nasal lymphoma a year ago and I did everything I could. Radiation and chemo. He was good for a long time, but the last few weeks he began to degrade and I found out the lymphoma spread to his kidneys and probably other places as well. By Wednesday I could tell he lost vision in both eyes and he didn't really respond to me. I could tell he no longer had a good quality of life. I had so many emotions running through me but in my heart I knew what needed to be done.

I'm sad, scared, angry, guilty, lonely... I know eventually things will get better but now i even feel guilty about that.

I'm sorry about your experience with that vet. When my first cat had to be rushed to the vet because a blood clot went to his heart he was so uncaring. I eventualy had to rush him to another vet who immediately gave him pain meds and sedation, but we ended up having to put him to sleep. I encourage you to complain to the owner of that emergency vet. There is no excuse for what they did.

I think time will ease our pain and although we may not be ready yet eventually consider another pet. I can never replace my Mango, but people like us know the love only a pet can give and one day it will feel right for that again.

Best Wishes,

Gregg

[FurMama82]

Dear Gracie4ever, GMS, and Kayc, thank you all for your continued support and sharing your personal stories. I am so sorry to hear about the anguish that you each experienced. Our furbabies are so precious and mean the world to us.  This site is so wonderfully supportive and I'm immensely grateful for it. It's safe space to work through my grief with people who completely understand it. Thank you everyone and blessings to all. 

[Gracie4ever]

12 hours ago, FurMama82 said:

Dear Gracie4ever, GMS, and Kayc, thank you all for your continued support and sharing your personal stories. I am so sorry to hear about the anguish that you each experienced. Our furbabies are so precious and mean the world to us.  This site is so wonderfully supportive and I'm immensely grateful for it. It's safe space to work through my grief with people who completely understand it. Thank you everyone and blessings to all. 

I thank you for sharing your story. I grieve for you and invite you to keep sharing With us, as much as you need and want. This allows us to tend to each other’s hearts. 

[kayc]

@GMS Thank you for sharing.  Your cat is beautiful, I love this picture.  You were both lucky to have found each other and know "home" when you saw it.  Just last night I was having a hard time as I was going to sleep without Kitty there beside me and it really hit me that I won't get to see her again in this life...it's been 7 1/2 months but she was 25 and I had her over half of her life.  We, too, were lucky to have found each other and had a "home" with my other cat, Miss Mocha, and dog, Arlie...all are gone now.  Sometimes it seems surreal.

I am sorry for what you went through with the emergency vet...Arlie's euthanasia did not go well, their scale was off and they under anesthetized him, causing his extreme pain, that is my last memory of him and it's forever etched into my brain.  No excuse.  Kitty, fortunately went peacefully .

I hope you will watch the video I posted and it brings you comfort and peace.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

[GMS]

Hi all,

Hope everyone is hanging in there. So on Sunday I ended up going to a local animal rescue and adopted another cat. It was both easy and hard at the same time and has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

I still have a friendly 12 year old cat in the house who loves to play and I could tell he missed having his brother around. And of course I missed having my Mango around.

Last week I started looking at rescues online and of course had a lot of guilt. I knew I would eventually want another cat but thought it would take me a long time to get another one. But some of them had bios and seemed really sweet and ironically one of them was named Mango. I don't believe in fate, but it was pretty weird. Anyway I visited the rescure on Sunday and played with a handful of kitties in one room but I could see Mango had no fear. He liked to play and I picked him up and he didn't yell. So I took him home (I've since renamed him to Leon... calling him Mango did not seem right).

I still have some bad times during the day. I look at pictures of Mango and I don't think I could have a bond with anyone like I did that cat. We were tied to the hip and he only wanted me.

But Leon is a very sweet cat and has made himself at home quite fast. He sleeps in the bed, loves to play, and the two cats are warming up to each other pretty quickly.

I hope all of you find the right time to adopt another cat... don't rush though. You'll know when the time is right.

Regards,

Gregg

[Gracie4ever]

5 minutes ago, GMS said:

Hi all,

Hope everyone is hanging in there. So on Sunday I ended up going to a local animal rescue and adopted another cat. It was both easy and hard at the same time and has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

I still have a friendly 12 year old cat in the house who loves to play and I could tell he missed having his brother around. And of course I missed having my Mango around.

Last week I started looking at rescues online and of course had a lot of guilt. I knew I would eventually want another cat but thought it would take me a long time to get another one. But some of them had bios and seemed really sweet and ironically one of them was named Mango. I don't believe in fate, but it was pretty weird. Anyway I visited the rescure on Sunday and played with a handful of kitties in one room but I could see Mango had no fear. He liked to play and I picked him up and he didn't yell. So I took him home (I've since renamed him to Leon... calling him Mango did not seem right).

I still have some bad times during the day. I look at pictures of Mango and I don't think I could have a bond with anyone like I did that cat. We were tied to the hip and he only wanted me.

But Leon is a very sweet cat and has made himself at home quite fast. He sleeps in the bed, loves to play, and the two cats are warming up to each other pretty quickly.

I hope all of you find the right time to adopt another cat... don't rush though. You'll know when the time is right.

Regards,

Gregg

Gregg, I’m really happy for you and Leon and your other cat. I’m so happy they already get along! I think perhaps he was named Mango just to get your attention and bring him home. You have so much love to give, thank you for rescuing Leon, and sharing your story with us. If it’s possible, could you post a pic?

[kayc]

50 minutes ago, GMS said:

I don't think I could have a bond with anyone like I did that cat. We were tied to the hip and he only wanted me.

But Leon is a very sweet cat and has made himself at home quite fast.

I am so glad for you!  I think his name was meant to catch your attention and he was meant to be yours.  Often rescues name the animals as they don't know their history so don't feel bad for renaming him.  They adjust.  When I first saw a picture of Kodie (my puppy) the name Kodie popped into my head (I didn't know he'd been named).  When my son brought him to me, he tossed the paperwork on the table and I saw he'd been named Kobie...but my son plopped a collar and tag on the table and said, "I'm sorry about the name, I mistyped it for the tag.  It read, "Kodie."  Kodie it is.  

I am so glad you and your other cat have someone else to keep you company.  The relationship will not be the same as with Mango but it will develop as unique and wonderful!

[GMS]

1 hour ago, Gracie4ever said:

Gregg, I’m really happy for you and Leon and your other cat. I’m so happy they already get along! I think perhaps he was named Mango just to get your attention and bring him home. You have so much love to give, thank you for rescuing Leon, and sharing your story with us. If it’s possible, could you post a pic?

Here are a couple of pictures. He's 5 months old.

[Gracie4ever]

33 minutes ago, GMS said:

Here are a couple of pictures. He's 5 months old.

Awww.....Gregg, thank you for sharing him with us. Leon is beautiful and likes to play. I'm so happy to see him! I'm so happy for you, thank you for giving Leon a family! Mango will always, always be a part of your heart and your family. 

[FurMama82]

7 hours ago, GMS said:

Hi all,

Hope everyone is hanging in there. So on Sunday I ended up going to a local animal rescue and adopted another cat. It was both easy and hard at the same time and has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

I still have a friendly 12 year old cat in the house who loves to play and I could tell he missed having his brother around. And of course I missed having my Mango around.

Last week I started looking at rescues online and of course had a lot of guilt. I knew I would eventually want another cat but thought it would take me a long time to get another one. But some of them had bios and seemed really sweet and ironically one of them was named Mango. I don't believe in fate, but it was pretty weird. Anyway I visited the rescure on Sunday and played with a handful of kitties in one room but I could see Mango had no fear. He liked to play and I picked him up and he didn't yell. So I took him home (I've since renamed him to Leon... calling him Mango did not seem right).

I still have some bad times during the day. I look at pictures of Mango and I don't think I could have a bond with anyone like I did that cat. We were tied to the hip and he only wanted me.

But Leon is a very sweet cat and has made himself at home quite fast. He sleeps in the bed, loves to play, and the two cats are warming up to each other pretty quickly.

I hope all of you find the right time to adopt another cat... don't rush though. You'll know when the time is right.

Regards,

Gregg

Congrats, Gregg! So happy to hear that you have adopted Leon and that he has settled well into your home. I can totally appreciate the emotional roller coaster aspect of adopting while still grieving.  I started looking at local shelters too and had guilt.  But, then I reminded myself that Savannah J would want me happy - and for me that means having a furry creature to love.  I imagine that your beloved Mango would want you to be happy as well.  Cheers to your very happy addition! 

[kayc]

He's beautiful!  I love his color/markings.  He will be lively and fun, I'm sure.  I haven't had a cat that young since before my husband died, sweet!  Thank you for sharing him with us.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, FurMama82 said:

But, then I reminded myself that Savannah J would want me happy - and for me that means having a furry creature to love.

This!  Let us know when you find the one!

[GMS]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

He's beautiful!  I love his color/markings.  He will be lively and fun, I'm sure.  I haven't had a cat that young since before my husband died, sweet!  Thank you for sharing him with us.

Thanks. He's a very nice cat and am happy to have him, but it's been a hard couple of days. I think the hardest part by far is letting go which I am so scared to do. I do not want to forget. Every day I've been looking at pictures and videos of him and it is so hard to believe I'll never get to hold him again. Today in particular my stomach has been in knots.

I think back to my other pets and realize I almost never think about them except on a rare occasion... which makes me feel guilty... but Mango was by far the most special pet I've ever had.. and even though I know he's gone I feel like if I stop thinking about him and looking at pictures somehow keeps him alive. Sigh.... I hate this.

[Gracie4ever]

9 hours ago, GMS said:

Thanks. He's a very nice cat and am happy to have him, but it's been a hard couple of days. I think the hardest part by far is letting go which I am so scared to do. I do not want to forget. Every day I've been looking at pictures and videos of him and it is so hard to believe I'll never get to hold him again. Today in particular my stomach has been in knots.

I think back to my other pets and realize I almost never think about them except on a rare occasion... which makes me feel guilty... but Mango was by far the most special pet I've ever had.. and even though I know he's gone I feel like if I stop thinking about him and looking at pictures somehow keeps him alive. Sigh.... I hate this.

Gregg, that is one of the hardest things for me is realizing I will never see my Gracie again or hold her. I still remember what it was like to rub my nose on her soft furry head. I miss her so much. I feel your pain. 

[kayc]

I don't have to try and remember Arlie for him to be always in my heart, he just is, he's on my mind and in my thoughts every day.  I never went through the deep deep everlasting pangs of grief with my other animals, although I loved each of them.  I, too, feel guilty for not having grieved Lucky as much as she deserved...at the time I was going through a messy divorce and my life was in an upheaval, I think that overshadowed it.  It wasn't fair to her.  But keep in mind that our love is not determined by our grief.  So many things factor in.  Read here: Dosing Crying Time in Grief

 

 

 

[GMS]

Thank you both for your words. I know it's going to take quite a bit of time.

On a brighter note my 12 yr old cat Marble loves Leon and I'm so happy for him. My Mango was never a huge fan of playing with him, but they did wrestle around occasionally. The last few months though he had a very low tolerance when Marble came over to him and I know towards the end he didn't try to bother Mango at all.

This morning Marble and Leon were running all around and over the couch. I was so happy to see them getting along and Marble is thrilled.

[Gracie4ever]

2 hours ago, GMS said:

Thank you both for your words. I know it's going to take quite a bit of time.

On a brighter note my 12 yr old cat Marble loves Leon and I'm so happy for him. My Mango was never a huge fan of playing with him, but they did wrestle around occasionally. The last few months though he had a very low tolerance when Marble came over to him and I know towards the end he didn't try to bother Mango at all.

This morning Marble and Leon were running all around and over the couch. I was so happy to see them getting along and Marble is thrilled.

That's soooooooo beautiful!!!! It does my heart so good to hear about your babies getting along so well!! Thank you for sharing your story. This is a place to share our grief and also our joys, and your story encourages me to think that perhaps, just perhaps after I have grieved for a long time - I know I will never stop grieving Gracie, she will always be precious to me...but maybe at some point will come the time I can welcome someone else into my life and honor her in that way. As you are doing. Please feel free to keep sharing these stories. They give me hope.

When I wake up in the morning, this is the first thing I do - check this group for any new messages. I've been waking up at odd hours, like 5 a.m. and yes, this is what I check. Blessings to all of you.

[Gracie4ever]

On 9/1/2020 at 1:49 PM, FurMama82 said:

Congrats, Gregg! So happy to hear that you have adopted Leon and that he has settled well into your home. I can totally appreciate the emotional roller coaster aspect of adopting while still grieving.  I started looking at local shelters too and had guilt.  But, then I reminded myself that Savannah J would want me happy - and for me that means having a furry creature to love.  I imagine that your beloved Mango would want you to be happy as well.  Cheers to your very happy addition! 

How are you doing, dear? Just checking in...