Boho-Soul Posted October 12, 2022 Report Share Posted October 12, 2022 10 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: Thanks so much. You're very kind and generous with your time. I'm so sorry you went through / are going through such a tragic loss of your own. So lovely of you to help others find peace and comfort through their difficult times. I had the thought of sending her a gift card to a Korean Spa for when she gets back in town. I think she would really enjoy it and might make this difficult time a little easier. Would something like that be okay? Thanks for your kind comments. It's part of my nature to help/support others, I have a heart for those who are struggling. I sometimes think that helping others on this forum may help me process my loss, although my scenario is rather complicated in it's own way. The gift card is a nice thought, but it's not the right time. I really sense you want to help her, and that shows your caring heart, but I'd hold off on that nice gesture. In the early stages of my loss I had friends who thought of nice things they could do to help me. All came from best intentions, but the timing was off. One friend wanted to pay for a home cleaning service, lovely idea, but I didn't want strangers in my home before I had even had a chance to sort through belongings etc. I know a spa gift card is not the same thing, but she needs to sort out what she needs at this time. Even though a spa day is a fabulous idea, it's still you determining what she may need at this time. Sorry to crush your idea, but I just put myself in her shoes (best I can) and respond from their. Sending you a virtual hug friendĀ š¤ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 12, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2022 1 minute ago, Boho-Soul said: Thanks for your kind comments. It's part of my nature to help/support others, I have a heart for those who are struggling. I sometimes think that helping others on this forum may help me process my loss, although my scenario is rather complicated in it's own way. The gift card is a nice thought, but it's not the right time. I really sense you want to help her, and that shows your caring heart, but I'd hold off on that nice gesture. In the early stages of my loss I had friends who thought of nice things they could do to help me. All came from best intentions, but the timing was off. One friend wanted to pay for a home cleaning service, lovely idea, but I didn't want strangers in my home before I had even had a chance to sort through belongings etc. I know a spa gift card is not the same thing, but she needs to sort out what she needs at this time. Even though a spa day is a fabulous idea, it's still you determining what she may need at this time. Sorry to crush your idea, but I just put myself in her shoes (best I can) and respond from their. Sending you a virtual hug friendĀ š¤ I think at the end of the day, she broke up with me, stopped contacting me, didn't respond to my last email from a week ago, didn't respond to the book/note she received on Monday, has muted my IG stories, and hiding her's from me. She is detoxing from me. I think my presence in her life because to create stress and pressure on her, because I had needs of connecting with her that were adding to her general feelings of being over-whelmed. That's why she was leaning towards not wanting me at the funeral. And that's why my being hurt by that and expressing that to her was the final straw and made her realize that it was all too much for her to handle, and put an end to our relationship so she could go through this process without that added pressure and stress. It makes sense, and I wish I could have been stronger. But the truth is, it was all really hard feeling such a disconnect from someone I'd developed really strong feelings for. She needed me to be strong and not have any needs from her. I wish I'd been able to do that. I really hope it's not the end of our story and that there's a happy ending. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 12, 2022 Report Share Posted October 12, 2022 Ā 10 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: I really hope it's not the end of our story and that there's a happy ending. I hope that for you too. Right now I suggest you focus on your own self-care. If you believe this feels like or is a break up, then direct your energy towards your needs and healing.Ā 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 12, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2022 Just now, Boho-Soul said: Ā I hope that for you too. Right now I suggest you focus on your own self-care. If you believe this feels like or is a break up, then direct your energy towards your needs and healing.Ā She said she canāt be my girlfriend right now. And a couple of nights earlier she ended things and said she didnāt want to hear from me for a while. She then walked that back, saying weād talk about it the following day. But now sheās made it so thereās been no contact between us since her email that said she needed time to work through what sheās going through. I just wish I could remain in her life in a way that didnāt make her feel pressure or stress.Ā 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 12, 2022 Report Share Posted October 12, 2022 1 minute ago, LookingToImprove said: She said she canāt be my girlfriend right now. And a couple of nights earlier she ended things and said she didnāt want to hear from me for a while. She then walked that back, saying weād talk about it the following day. But now sheās made it so thereās been no contact between us since her email that said she needed time to work through what sheās going through. I just wish I could remain in her life in a way that didnāt make her feel pressure or stress.Ā I didn't realize she saidĀ she couldnāt be your girlfriend right now and ended things. Must have missed that in previous posts. Her decision needs to be honored, as hard as it is for you. I really can't see a way you can be a part of her life without her feeling stress or pressure.Ā So sorry you have to go through this. Please continueĀ to post here as you experience and process your own grief around this.Ā Ā 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 13, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said: I didn't realize she saidĀ she couldnāt be your girlfriend right now and ended things. Must have missed that in previous posts. Her decision needs to be honored, as hard as it is for you. I really can't see a way you can be a part of her life without her feeling stress or pressure.Ā So sorry you have to go through this. Please continueĀ to post here as you experience and process your own grief around this.Ā Ā She had said she can't show up as a girlfriend to me right now and needs time to work through her grieving. I guess I hoped I could remain in her life in some way...as a friend who's there for her without any expectations or pressure. Perhaps that's naive of me, since I've already stressed her out with my expectations and pressure. But I love her, and care deeply about her, and don't want to be closed off from her. I will do whatever she needs of me, but I hope we're able to talk at some point about a way for me to remain in her life that doesn't infringe on her needs. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 13, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 In my last email to her, a week ago, I said towards the end: "I hope this isn't the end for us. I think there's something incredibly special here. But you have more important obligations and work to do. I get it. Feel free to reach out to me if you need a friend, or crave a bad joke, or for any reason at all." She hasn't said goodbye, or that its the end forever. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope, and that statistically its unlikely to work out. But I DO hope in time we can come back together because I truly think there's something incredibly special between us. Ā Ā 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 Allow time to pass, let her work through her grief in her own way and timeframe. Then shift the focus on yourself, do whatever you feel is best to foster the best you for yourself. Read books, go to therapy or do whatever self-care, self-improvement you feel supports your personal growth. Then, maybe, if she connects with you again at some point, she will see you as the stronger person you have become through a challenging time. But - and this is important - only do this for you, not for the possibilityĀ that she may come back into your life again. Honor yourself, and live with the intention of being the best person you can be for yourself. Trust in the unfoldingĀ of your life. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 17 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: Is it not appropriate for me to send that to her, when she hasn't responded to my email from a week ago, or the book she received on Monday? Should I take that as a clear indication that she doesn't want to hear from me? Or do you think she would appreciate the thoughts and attention of a gentle outreach? Personally I would not.Ā I know you want her but honestly, she needs space. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 3 hours ago, kayc said: I know you want her but honestly, she needs space. I agree. She's lost in grief and needs space. You have to accept the fact that she may not be the same, her grief will lighten or fade somewhat, but it will never end. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 When you're thinking of sending her something or doing something for her, it may help to ask yourself, "Whose need am I meeting here?" Sometimes we do things based on our own need to DO something ~ ANYthing ~ in hopes of helping or making things better ~ but in doing so, we fail to listen to the other, and we lose sight of what the person really needs. Something to think about . . . 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 3 minutes ago, MartyT said: When you're thinking of sending her something or doing something for her, it may help to ask yourself, "Whose need am I meeting here?" Sometimes we do things based on our own need to DO something ~ ANYthing ~ in hopes of helping or making things better ~ but in doing so, we fail to listen to the other, and we lose sight of what the person really needs. Something to think about . . . This is a great perspective Marty, thx for posting it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 13, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said: I agree. She's lost in grief and needs space. You have to accept the fact that she may not be the same, her grief will lighten or fade somewhat, but it will never end. I totally understand that sheāll be grieving this loss forever. But sheāll still be an amazing woman, and will be emotionally available again for a relationship at some point. Canāt I be a friend to her during this period? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 9 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: Canāt I be a friend to her during this period? I'm quoting Marty's response to your question, ask yourself -Ā "Whose need am I meeting here?" Perhaps you're wanting to be a friend with the hopes that if you are in her life in someway then the relationship can survive. It appears you're thinking about what you need and not looking at this from her perspective. Her life has been hit by a tsunami, as well as her family. Any extra energy she may have would be directed towards them. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 13, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said: I'm quoting Marty's response to your question, ask yourself -Ā "Whose need am I meeting here?" Perhaps you're wanting to be a friend with the hopes that if you are in her life in someway then the relationship can survive. It appears you're thinking about what you need and not looking at this from her perspective. Her life has been hit by a tsunami, as well as her family. Any extra energy she may have would be directed towards them. I completely understand this. But I WAS in her life, and she has friends that remain in her life. If, with time, I can remove any pressure or stress that was associated with my previous expectations of what the relationship was, maybe there's space for a friendship. I can't stress enough that there's a special connection between us that I believe has the potential to go the distance. Of course, if she doesn't have space for it, I respect that. Such an awful thing to have happen to her. I'm heart-broken for her. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 57 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: But I WAS in her life, and she has friends that remain in her life. If, with time, I can remove any pressure or stress that was associated with my previous expectations of what the relationship was, maybe there's space for a friendship. I can't stress enough that there's a special connection between us that I believe has the potential to go the distance. Of course, if she doesn't have space for it, I respect that. I'm no therapist here, but it appears you're stuck in the recent past when you say, "But I WAS in her life." The reality is, right now you're not. You said, "If, with time, I can remove any pressure or stress that was associated with my previous expectations..." Again, that's in the past. You can't undo the past. Then you said, "Of course, if she doesn't have space for it, I respect that." To that I say, "Do that. Respect where she is right now." If that means you're not in the picture at this time, so be it. Focus on the reality of now, not what was.Ā Final thought - you've got a lot to process here, perhaps continue to work with your therapist around these challenges. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 13, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 All great feedback and objective perspective on this. Will definitely be using this time to work on myself and focus on my own needs. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your wisdom with me on this. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 13, 2022 Report Share Posted October 13, 2022 4 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: All great feedback and objective perspective on this. Will definitely be using this time to work on myself and focus on my own needs. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your wisdom with me on this. You're very welcome, I'm glad to help when I can, as is everyone who has posted. Please continue to post when you feel the need. We're here to help with whatever comes up, and I'd love to know how you're doing as you work through this personal time in your life. Be well friend. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 14, 2022 Report Share Posted October 14, 2022 You might find these articles helpful, too, if you take time to read them. Note that links to additional readings are included in each: How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences Death of A Parent: Negative Impact on A Couple's Relationship Ambiguous Loss: When Grief Threatens A Love Relationship In Grief: Can This Relationship Survive? In Grief: Supporting A Partner in Mourning Mourning The Death of A Love Relationship: Suggested Resources 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 14, 2022 Report Share Posted October 14, 2022 19 hours ago, MartyT said: it may help to ask yourself, "Whose need am I meeting here?" Perfect! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 14, 2022 Report Share Posted October 14, 2022 17 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: But I WAS in her life, and she has friends that remain in her life. Same with Jim and I...see how that turned out.Here I Go Again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 14, 2022 Report Share Posted October 14, 2022 12 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: Will definitely be using this time to work on myself and focus on my own needs. Great response, to focus on.Ā I found during the time following his breakup to focus on myself, family, friends...work on myself, betterment.Ā Ā Remember, this is a journey, you won't likely be perfect at it, it's a process, but we get better at it with practice. Ā 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 19, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2022 It's been 2 weeks since she's contacted me. 3 weeks since her father passed away. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday in hopes that we can talk, since we never got to have a conversation about breaking up. She's ghosting me, and it hurts that she's completely turning her back to me. When this tragedy happened, I made myself as available and there for her as I could. I was willing to take work off and travel to wherever, and she kept me at a distance, and ultimately closed the book on me. It's sad. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chocolate Posted October 19, 2022 Report Share Posted October 19, 2022 When I'm in the depth of pain I have no emotional/spiritual energy to do anything, even when the person is caring and means well. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 20, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2022 I realize she's in horrible pain, and devoid of any energy for anything other than grieving. Is there anything I can do at this point to make it so she doesn't resent me for adding stress and pressure to her already horrible situation? I worry that the damage has been done, and she'll never forgive me or want to include me in her life again. My heart is aching that she has shut me out of her life, after she was including me before. I made her feel like I wasn't someone she could turn to because of my needs of reassurance and validation that she wasn't able to meet. I wish I could remain in her life and be able to be a source of support again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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