Abortion regret and family death leading to break up

[Barry]

I was together with my ex for 2 years. Around month 8 we discovered we were pregnant. Being 21 and 22 in a new relationship this led to panic and we decided to abort the pregnancy. I don’t think I realised the enormity of the decision at the time - it began setting in after a year or so, and it’s only got harder. 8 years on now, i think about it and regret it every single day. 
 

During the relationship we found out her father had terminal brain cancer. For 1.5 years of the relationship we watched this really lovely, happy, jovial and caring man get sicker and sicker. Lose his speech, his hair, his ability to walk it was horrific to witness. I saw his family all struggling and needed to try and support them and my ex, whilst also dealing with my own emotions and the emotional repercussions of going through an abortion with my ex.

 

I guess at this time I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ boyfriend. I hadn’t supported her when she got pregnant as I was scared and young. I think she would have liked me to be excited and just like “yeah, let’s do it and make it work” but I just wasn’t ready at that time I suppose, so I was quite against it (I regret this every day). Due to me not showing up how she may have wanted me to we grew apart a little and I found out she was texting a male colleague (some messages being pretty flirty), along with someone else she used to go out with before we were together. I was very hurt when I found this out and so I broke up with her. I didn’t do this lightly and was heartbroken myself but I felt the trust was gone. (This was after 1.5 years or so of our relationship).

 

She text me a lot straight after - telling me “this is the best relationship I’ve ever had”, “you make me so happy - please give us a chance to make this work, I love you” etc etc. I tentatively gave her another chance, we dated for another 6 months. 
 

During this last 6 months her father passed away, I went to the funeral and everything. I was still pretty raw and trust was ropey after what I had seen, but I had chosen to give her another chance. Due to the break of trust I showed up slightly differently, I probably didn’t love as whole heartedly as I did before, I guess I was trying to protect myself.
 

I went on a 5 night holiday with my friends about 5 months or so after her father had passed. I barely heard from her the whole time I was away - apart from the odd text here or there, which I thought was quite odd. When I got back she text me to say she was looking forward to seeing me. I went to a club where she was out with friends, she was happy to see me and we went back to her place and I stayed that night. In the morning I woke up before she did, her phone vibrated and I saw it was that colleague she had text before that made me initiate the break up before. She woke up and said “what are you doing with my phone” (it was still locked - I hadn’t read the message just seen it was his name). I basically just said “you’ve got to be fking kidding me!” And left the house and went home. That was the final break up.

 

A few weeks later she texts “I’m so sorry, I think about you everyday and I hope your okay and that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me” I messaged back “it is what it is”. The next week she’s tagged in a photo out at a club arm in arm with that colleague of hers. 
 

It’s been 8 years now and I think they’re still together and have a child. It’s so painful to think of the loss I suffered in that relationship (the abortion, the traumatic witnessing of the loss of her father, the loss of her family that I was close to and also loved, the loss of her), then to also think of the betrayal I suffered (her lies, her deceit, her callous disregard for my feelings). 
 

I’m just very disturbed by the whole thing and it’s really rocked my confidence, self esteem and happiness. I wish we’d went through with the pregnancy first of all - I feel deep grief about that. I miss her still, I really did love her a lot. I miss her family, there were quite a lot of extended relatives and I got on with most of them and felt happy in their company, seeing them through the loss of her dad also brought me closer to them, yet now we are nothing to each other and that’s very hard to accept. Lastly the fact she’s with the guy that she basically cheated on me with is a hard pill to swallow and hearing they have a child - something we never got to do partly because of my fear is pretty brutal. 
 

This has profoundly affected my life, mental health and self esteem. Sometimes I find it very hard to get up and get on with the day or to feel enthusiastic about the future. I feel hopeless sometimes and wonder if I can really keep going…

[kayc]

I am sorry for all you've been through, we live, we learn, but it's so essential to cut ourselves some grace, forgive ourself and the other people.  

Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic
Eight Keys to Forgiveness | Greater Good

You see, forgiveness isn't so much about the other person as ourself...we don't want to let what happened destroy us, instead learn from it and thus take it with you...but in a positive way.

My thoughts and prayers go with you...choose healing.