How do I get back to normal? I’m so insecure now

[Rod]

This is how my wife feels. Please help. Since my dad died, I have become so insecure. I used to be secure and happy and now I am sad all the time and I can’t find my way back to me. It has been 16 months now since my dad died. I don’t like who I am. I want to get back to me.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're having trouble, it's common in grief, not everyone's journey is the same.  I lost my dad in my 20s before internet, and my MIL in my 30s, also before internet, and it was way hard to do on my own then.

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[Rod]

Thank you

[MartyT]

Hi Rod ~ You say you're 16 months into your grief journey and still feeling insecure and not at all like yourself. I promise that you will never get back to how it was before your father died. That reality has a profound effect on you, and there is nothing you can do to go back to the way it was when your father was still alive, and still here with you in the physical realm. That does not mean, however, that you cannot go on to live a full and happy life, as you eventually learn how to carry the weight of this significant loss, without letting it bring you to your knees. I sincerely hope you will consider a session or more with a qualified grief counselor who can support you in your mourning and guide you in ways to better understand and manage your reactions.

Learning all you can about what is normal in grief (and therefore what to expect in the wake of loss) can help tremendously in finding your way through it, and onto a path of hope and healing. See, for example,

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief   

Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You

~ including all the additonal readings listed at the bases of these articles. 

 ❤️

[Rod]

It’s not me but my wife who is struggling with losing her dad. Sorry for the confusion. Trying to get help for her. She used to be a strong independent and self-confident woman. Now she is very dependent on me and her self-confidence while she is in grief and depression is a low 1 out of 10. Everything I do seems never enough. I am encouraging grief counseling. She refuses to take medicine for her anxiety except soy and diazepam (Valium) because the last time she did, it left her a zombie. Her grief and anger last for days before she has a day or 2 of normal. It is hard on her and our marriage. 

[MartyT]

I too am sorry for the confusion, Rod ~ but the information suggested still applies. The more you know and understand about what is normal in grief, the better prepared you will be to understand and support your wife. When you find something that makes sense to you, you might print it out and encourage your wife to read it too. 

Here is another reading that I hope will offer some insight: How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

See also Death of A Parent: Negative Impact on a Couple's Relationship ~ which includes links to a number of articles on helping another in grief.  ❤️

 

[kayc]

Have you both enlightened yourselves about Valium? Maybe it doesn't hit her like it did me, but a zombie pretty much describes it...I went off of it and elected to go on Buspar (Buspirone) instead as it doesn't alter your brain and helps take the edge off so you can cope. Have been on it 16 years and intend to be on it for life, I've had no side effects.

She takes soy?  What form and for what condition?

[Rod]

She took stuff stronger than valium in her first depression, which lasted 4 years.  She takes  Isoflavone 100 soy tablets. No promo here. It helps settle her moods. I take it at night to help me settle down to sleep.

[Boho-Soul]

Hi Rod - I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. My heart is heavy reading how it’s affecting your wife and your marriage.

Everyone has a different grief journey, and it’s not an easy road to travel. I would like to offer support in some way, but I will be mindful in how I do so. You mention you both take Soy Isoflavone. From what I researched this supplement has long been used to support women through menopause, and it can raise estrogen levels. Just wanted to mention this.

Something I’ve tried and found very beneficial is Milky Oats tincture, and Oat Straw tea. Both the tincture and the tea are very restorative, nourishing, calming, and grounding, as it supports the nervous system. I’ve experienced 3 losses and other stressors in the last year and found the tincture very helpful, especially for acute nervous exhaustion. It has significantly helped with my chronic stress and has been extremely effective for my nervousness and restlessness. As I mentioned, the Milky Oats tincture are generally believed to work more quickly in an acute situation whereas the Oat Straw tea offers support over time. Especially when consumed over a 6-12 month period. Both have been highly effective for me. I’ll often take the tincture when I’m feeling restless, and it calms me down.

Here’s a link if you want to read more about Milky Oats and Oat Straw.

https://genesisschoolofnaturalhealth.org/2022/01/27/herbs-to-live-by-oatstraw-milky-oats/

Sending you and your family healing prayers - Boho-Soul