Tired Of Being The Strong One

[Lea W]

I'm new at posting here, but have been lurking for over a year. I come along and read the post from all of the broken hearted, take what I need and leave without offering any comfort to anyone else, I apologize for that. I've always been one to hide the pain and put on the strong game face, it seems to work for me, or should I say it is expected from me. I'm so tired of feeling like everyone is watching me and I have to act a certain way.

Loooong story short.

I was married to my split apart "Pat" for 24 years when out of the blue he bacame ill. I forced him to go for a scheduled test "ERCP" on 1-2-08. Things went really bad, exploded his pancreas and after 3 1/2 months of hell he passed from my world on 4-20-08, 3 days later on my birthday I buried the love of my life. We have five beautiful children. Three of which are young adults in college and the youngest are our 12 year old twin boys. After almost a year and a half I still feel such anger and guilt. I think my tears are more frequent than before. You know I just really miss his arms around me and hearing the words "I Love You". He was my knight in shining armor always treated me like a queen, protected me from the hurt and pain of the real world.

To top it all off my sister just on 11-09-09 committed suicide. Why...Why..."I'm the gosh darn baby of the family" is it all put upon my shoulders to entertain the family and see to it that she is properly "disposed" of. Yes, I am angry..no worries I am bringing her ashes home and

planting a tree...I love her soooo much...but when can I be the weak one? Why do I always have to be the strong one?

I know that this is heavy and no one has the answer, but I really need to just say it, even if it is just typing on a gosh darn keyboard.

Lea

[Korina]

Lea:

What an inconceivable year and a half for you! I am so sorry for your pain, and do hope that some of the words you have read here have helped. It sounds to me like you already know it, but since you have always been the strong one, everyone expects it of you. I am glad you felt like you could let it out here, because I imagine you feel like bursting, bearing the responsiblity of a game face all the time. I find a lot of relief here, talking to a counselor, and talking to family and friends whom I can trust. I don't think I could bear it if I had to appear strong all the time.

Keep on coming back, whether it is just to read or to post!

Take care,

Korina

[steely]

Lea,

I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered. I know how it feels to be the strong one, too. If I fall apart, everyone else will, too. So, I put on the brave face and do what I have to do. Then I come here and the wonderful people here help me deal with my pain and sadness. Please continue to read and post, I know it has saved me many times. We are here to help each other and listen. Sometimes that is all we need, just to get it out there.

Be Well,

Amy

[derby]

I am so very sorry for all you have been through and for what you are currently going through. Although I am not very good at expressings my thoughts, feelings and words to others, I just want you to know I will be thinking of you. The replies on this forumn have been so helpful and such a blessing. Debbie

[laurieb]

Lea,

This is your time, your time to feel and grieve. You will deprive your children and family from this if you are hiding it. I had to learn that in my griefshare support group. I thought that as the oldest child in my family and being a mom made me have to be strong and hide how I felt the loss of my husband, the love of my life and my grandmother soon after meant that I had to hide my sorrow and tears.

Lea, this is just a horrible time for you and I am so sorry for all your pain. I am so glad that you wrote to all of us so we can help support you through words and prayers.

Let us know how you are and know we are all here for you

Laurie

[Susie Q]

Dear Lea

I feel your loss in your words and I truly understand because I too was deeply loved and protected by my husband, despite being a fully independent woman. I have missed his love, wise counsel, the feeling of security he gave me and his wonderful hugs every second since he died suddenly in August.

One thing I do know (first heard on Dr Phil many years ago)is that we teach people how to treat us. I believe that if I don't show the world, including kids and family when I am hurting, feeling overwhelmed, in need of support and missing the love of my life, they will make assumptions about my 'state of coping' that are usually wrong.

In the last three months, in the hours or days when I am finding things intolerable or I am too upset to go on, someone in my life seems to appear and fill that gap by supporting me through the rough patches. Incredibly, it has been a range of people who have been able to console me in those darkest times - a child, a neighbour, a relative, a friend - you'd be surprised where support comes from. Sometimes it just takes the right words, some practical help or a shoulder to cry on and an understanding look to make me feel a bit better and less alone.

I can do the same for others in my life who are also suffering this nightmare loss when my emotional energy level is higher than theirs or their visible pain calls for my support.

This sharing of the burden of 'being the strong one' even for a few hours has made it possible for me to get up every morning and at least try to face the day without him. It really is OK to show that we are vulnerable, and if I'm having a bad day, the world doesn't fall apart.

Try to share your grief with others - you certainly have that right.

I wish you well and hope you find some peace and comfort in the times ahead...Susie Q

[Lea W]

I'd like to Thank everyone who read and replied to my post. I do still, after a year and a half, take it day by day. Most day's I'm able to keep it together, until alone in my bed, but waking with swollen eyes everyday, kind of throws it in my kids face that I still hurt daily. I worry about my youngest children in that I really haven't seen them cry much. I've tried to make their life as normal as possible and give them everything, but I know they must miss their dad. Yes, he was a wonderful father. They are wonderful children, but without their father I know they are missing out on so much, that only a father, their father, can teach them.

My oldest son's do step in and try to fill their dad's shoes, but that sometimes angers me. Why must they play father to their little brothers? There are no answers and life was never said to be fair. I think right now I'm just going through one of those out of the blue phases that I just have to work through. I know that I should be, and I am, proud that we raised such wonderful children who are willing to step in and try to be a father figure, so why does it anger me sometimes? I don't know, maybe because they shouldn't have to feel that responsible, at such a young age.

So you see that is why I always try to be the strong one. It is not for my children to take care of me, but for me to be strong and take care of my children. Gosh, I just answered my own question. But it is nice to be able to open up to everyone here, and I thank you all for the shoulder to cry on.

Lea

[LindaKoz]

Hi Lea,

I'm sorry to learn about your losses but glad you posted on this site. There are so many kind, caring people who truly understand. We are walking through these shadows together. You are not alone.

Anger is a normal part of the grief process. Of course you are angry at the injustice of the situation -- you have reasons to feel this way. Your children should get to grow up with their father. None of us should be walking this grief journey. I've gotten angry and I've screamed and yelled. My counselor suggested hitting a pillow with a whiffle ball bat -- it helps to release pent up frustrations. I also hear that you are watching your children to be sure they are dealing with the loss the best they can. That's the best that you can do right now. I hope that they are able to grieve their loss and that as a family you can all pull together and take care of each other.

I also have been told that I'm strong. Sometimes I don't feel the strength but apparently others see it in me. I just hope I am truly strong enough to do this grief work and find some peace and solace on the other side. I know it's not going to be easy and I know it's going to take a long time. But, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and not focusing on the distant future.

Take care of yourself, my friend. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. Remember to breath and to honor all of the emotions you are feeling. We are hear to listen and to offer our support and love. Hugs to you.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Kat2005]

I try to be strong especially at work. I'm really not very good at it though. There are so many memories there that it is really hard since we worked together. I know everyone at work watches what they say as not to upset me. I try to bring up Pat in conversations to let them know I am okay with talking about him. Sometimes I need to talk about him. I can pretty much keep it together while I am there but the trip to and from work is the worst. That is when I let it go. I try to get it all together when I get home especially when my son is there. He has so much on his plate with studying for Med School I don't want to be a distraction to him. He doesn't need to be worrying about me. I also know that most of my family thinks that I should be better by now so I try not to show my grief in front of them either. I know I make them feel uncomfortable when I get upset in front of them. They just don't know what to say. The bad thing is that I don't feel like I am getting any better. I still cry every day and night. I miss Pat with all my heart. I just want to feel his arms around me again. I need to hear those three little words "I LOVE YOU". Will there be a time when I will get stronger? I sure hope so.

Thanks for listening again. I just start rambling. It is just that I feel so lost at times and I don't know how to make that feeling go away.

Again thanks for listening,

Kat

[LindaKoz]

Oh, Kat, I'm sending you prayers and hugs. I know exactly how you feel. I cry every day on my way to work and every day on my way home. I didn't work with Brian but every morning before I left for work he would send me a text message saying that he loved me. I miss my messages. Every day when I was driving home from work I would call him to see what we were going to do that night. I miss him talking to him. I miss his smile, I miss his voice, I miss his hugs, I miss listening to him play his guitar. I miss everything about Brian and I also don't know how to make the pain go away.

Come here and ramble anytime you need to. I think it helps to write our thoughts and get them out of our head for a short time. I'm listening, Kat. I feel your pain and I really know how you feel. How could we not feel such an intense longing for our beloveds when our love for them was so deep, so real, so strong? All we can do is take this new journey day by day and hope that there will be healing -- that we will some day be able to grab onto that elusive peace. That is my wish and my hope.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

Kat:

I don't think we ever actually "get over it"; more accurately, we hopefully learn to live with our loss, and adapt as best we can. ANd I don't know about you, but I don't want to "get over it". Scott was half of my soul for half of my life, and he will always be a part of my life. This is soooo hard and painful, but I have to believe that we will survive, make a positive contribution to the world in some way, no matter how big or small, and in doing so, make our loves proud of us.

Korina

[Kat2005]

Korina,

I have to remember what I read on this sight. "The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." It is just so hard because the pain is so great at times. Pat will always be in my life. His spirit lives on in my heart and in my son.

Thanks and take care!

Kat

[LindaKoz]

Kat:

I don't think we ever actually "get over it"; more accurately, we hopefully learn to live with our loss, and adapt as best we can. ANd I don't know about you, but I don't want to "get over it". Scott was half of my soul for half of my life, and he will always be a part of my life. This is soooo hard and painful, but I have to believe that we will survive, make a positive contribution to the world in some way, no matter how big or small, and in doing so, make our loves proud of us.

Korina

Brian was my biggest supporter when I entered seminary. He told me that I would make a great Pastor. I returned to classes two weeks after he died because that is what he would expect me to do. I will go on because I want him to be proud of me. Every time I preach a sermon--he will be by my side. Every time I counsel someone who is grieving--he will be right there with me. He lives in my heart. Our souls are connected for eternity and that is something that cannot be taken away from me. I will miss him forever . . . and I will love him always.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda