Need Some Advice

[missingmy daddy]

Hello everyone. I had a question and was wanting to know if anyone had some advice for me. I normally post in the Loss of a Parent thread, but this pertains to my Mom. You see we lost my Daddy 14 months ago. He was a wonderful man and meant the world to our family. Since he passed our family has been going through some really tough times; as I'm sure everyone can understand. Their wedding anniversary is coming up on Sunday and it would have been their 31st. I'm not sure what to do for my Mom. Last year the grief and loss was to raw and new and she just stayed in bed all day; and I don't blame her a bit for it. She has come so far in dealing with this new life without her soulmate and I am proud of how she has handled everything she has been going through. I lost my Daddy and she lost half of herself when he passed. I don't want to do or say anything that will upset my Mom or put her back any, but I don't want her to think I have forgotten the day her and my Daddy became one either. I know nothing I say or do will ever be the same as my daddy being here to celebrate it with her, but I want to do something for her as well. We have a close relationship and talk every day and she is my best friend. I'm just not sure if I should call and acknowldege their anniversary or if I should maybe take her to dinner that night. I can only imagine the pain that someone goes through when they have lost their other half so I don't want to do anything that would make her feel worse. Would any of you welcome celebrating your anniversay with your children or would you rather have that day to grieve in private and remember your other half in your own way? I know everyone's grieving process is different and their own to go through but I thought someone might have a few words of advise. Thanks.

[Perkins808]

Hi there,

I lost my husband 2 1/2 months ago.....and our first anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks. Personally, I would love to honor the day by spending it with my children. It would mean the world to me to have someone acknowledge the day, acknowledge what a wonderful relationship we had and to acknowledge that as hard as I try to make it a happy day, it will probably be one filled with so many emotions.

Like you said, everyone grieves in their own way.....maybe you should ask your Mom outright what her wishes for the day are. I think one of the absolute worst feelings in the world when you are grieving such a devastating loss is to think that no one else cares, so if nothing else give her a call and tell her that you are thinking of her on that extra special day.

Tammy

[Nick]

Your mom is very lucky to have you for her daughter. I would suggest having dinner with her that night. For me personally I would love to spend it with my children they are a constant reminder of my husband and the love we shared. You could share stories about your dad and she about the wedding day. To me I would find that very comforting. Just some of my thoughts.

Leesa

[Lainey]

My anniversary was 6 months after Lars had passed, all I wanted to do was be by myself. I sent an "I love you" balloon up to Heaven, lit a candle and spent time looking at our wedding album and the pictures of our children,holidays .. anything that was a good memory. The kids asked if I would like to go for lunch or dinner, I appreciated it but wanted to be alone. As someone else said, ask your mother what she wants and respect her wishes

Lainey

[linsey]

our fourth aniversary was two months after nick passed. I went to the cemetary with my son and we took a dozen roses. Your mom may not want to do anything but you just leting her know you are there for her will mean a lot to her. Try to make it a happy day, I know it is easier said than done. I love talking about nick with my son, he is only three and I dont want him to ever forget his dad. Maybe take your mom flowers. my prayers are with you and your mom and I am sorry for your loss.

[Cheryl]

My husband died two months before our 18th anniversary. My mother in law suprised me by coming by with a bouquet of flowers. We decided to take the kids to lunch at my husbands favorite restaraunt and had the mariachis play some of the songs my husband loved. They thought we were crazy white women sobbing while they sang La Cucaracha. I don't like to be alone with my grief so I needed to be with my family. There is nothing you can say that will make your mom more sad than she is but there may be things she doesn't want to do. I would talk to her before the day and share with her how much you want to be there for her in what ever way she needs you. If she needs to be alone then I would be sure to call her and share with her your memories and feelings. The worst thing people have done for me is to do nothing. Most of my friends just pertend like everything is okay. Which hurts worse. I pray everyday that more of my family and friends would reaqch out and acknowledge my pain.

[Lindakay]

This is just a thought. I spent mine alone in case I wanted to be sad. I had no children and you lost your dad and she her spouse. You could ask her in a way she has the choice. Mom, could I be with you that day and would you tell me how you met dad and some of your early years' memories. It would help me, mom to see you and dad back then. I wouldn't be here if not for the two of you. But if you don't want to do that, mom. I would understand. Maybe those early years wpould take her back far enough from this year.Linda Kay

[Korina]

I, too, think you should ask your mom what she would like to do. For myself, I spent that first anniversary partly alone and partly with friends. The second one, it was just Kailyn and myself, mainly because it wasn't convenient to do anything else (with a little one, convenience is everything).

You sound like a wonderful daughter, and I am sure your mother will totally appreciate and love you for being there for her, in whatever capacity works.

Korina

[Queeniemary]

You are such a good daughter. I think the other responses are right, just ask your Mom what she wants. Our anniversary was April 12, just 3 months after Mike died, and all I wanted was to be alone. However, some close friends insisted that we get together that evening, and it was the right thing to do. We ate burgers, drank a little wine, and talked about Mike, and it was good. You might give your Mom the day alone, and then see if she wants to eat out with you, or just share a meal at home in the evening. Just respect her wishes, if she wants to be totally alone, it is not that she does not need you, but maybe just needs this time for herself.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas.

[kayc]

I opt for acknowledging it, it's not like she won't remember it. I would talk to her and maybe spend time with her...maybe there's something she'd like to do to remember him by? Flowers can't hurt, neither could taking her out to eat, although she may or may not feel like going out. Just feel her out and go with what she indicates.

[Butterfly9]

Dear Missing My Daddy,

My precious Dad crossed over on 3/11/10 and my Family and I miss him terribly. It has really been a hard struggle for us all. Losing a loved one is the toughest journey one can be on. I know he lives on in a better place. He is healed, happy and watching over us all until we can be together again someday. I know it isn’t the same with them not being here in the physical form but it is better than nothing. They continue to live just as we do here. They continue to be part of our lives as they always have been. We have a strong and special bond with them that can never be broken. Our relationship with them continues. They are closer to us than we think. They will send us signs but they can be so subtle.

It was my Mom and Dad's 54th Anniversary on September 22nd. I took the day off and spent it with my Mom. We spent the day together and she told me she was happy I did that for her. It helped her. I bought my Mom and Dad roses and a card. I also bought red roses for my Dad to give to my Mom since he was not able to do it physically. The Family got together and we had a wonderful dinner with the table set nicely and cake afterwards. We made a toast to my Mom and Dad on their Anniversary.

I had asked my Dad for a sign on their Anniversary. My Dad sent the most beautiful sign for my Mom. My parents have a beautiful passionflower vine in the backyard. The whole summer it would only bloom 4 blossoms at the most. However, on their Anniversary it bloomed 26 blossoms! What a wonderful ADC (after death communication) my Dad sent my Mom! My Dad wanted to give flowers to my Mom himself! That vine looked so beautiful.

Each person is different. It might be good to ask your Mom if she would like company or would prefer to be alone. However, I think it is always nice to at least give your Mom a call to acknowledge their Anniversary. It is an important day for your Mom and Dad. I believe it should always be celebrated each year. I know my Dad was there with us celebrating as well and your Dad will be there celebrating your Mom and Dad’s Anniversary also. Just because we can’t see them does not mean they are not there.

Sending you and your Family hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Bufferfly9

[missingmy daddy]

Thank you all for your advise. I took it and asked my Mom what she wanted. It turns out thier anniversary is Wednesday; I always get the dates mixed up! We had dinner Saturday night and that is when I realized I had the date wrong. I asked her this morning wht she wanted to do and she said at this moment she wanted to spend the evening by herself in peace. I let her know I was ok with that and if she changed her mind I was up for anything she wanted to do; she just needed to let me know. I jsut wanted her to know I hadn't forgotten that special day for them and I was here for her and loved her. Thank you all again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.