Is Crying Every Day For Hours Abnormal?

[Guest babylady]

my friend thinks it is. i lost john 6-1/2 months ago, but the nightmare started 10 months ago when he came home and had a seizure.

my friend doesn't get along with her husband of 37 years but can't separate because of financial reasons. maybe she doesn't understand what it is to love someone as much as i loved john or maybe she's right that i shouldn't still be this upset.

i cry every day -- many days for hours. i try holding it back when i'm out in public but sometimes i feel the wet tears on my cheeks. i wear dark glasses when i'm out.

my bereavement counselor said it's because i'm suffering with health problems too.

i'm on an anti-depressant. hard to figure out whether i'm depressed or grieving. i do find it hard to imagine a future, but again it has a lot to do with the health problems. at least i had john to comfort me and take care of so many things.

hugs to all of you.

arlene

[marcplum]

Arlene, I frequently view the posts in this forum but rarely comment as I fear that my observations are not always well received. Your post however touches me and inspires me to offer some insights from my perspective. It has been noted repeatedly in this forum that absolutely no one can tell you how you should cope with your loss and that revelation has helped me greatly. The people who suggest to you a specific duration for tears and associated elements of the grieving process are simply ill informed and sometimes even brutally harsh. This is the third holiday season without my Lisa and the depth of my grief has not diminished. The thing that amazes me is the variety of triggers that induce the tears to flow. It can be a book, a song, a smell, a memory, a visual, and a list which seems to be endless. The only thing I can offer by way of encouragement is to not be surprised by your tear triggers, but allow yourself all the time you need to work through the process. Peace be with you, Marc

[mfh]

Arlene, I am sorry for your loss and the deep pain you feel. I am now, like Marc, into my third holiday season without Bill and though it is tough, it is not as tough as the first and second. I do believe we each grieve in our own way and at our own pace. You are still raw from all that has happened. Feeling our pain is needed. Tears heal. When those tears flow for hours it is, however, exhausting and I am wondering if on those days it would be helpful to call a friend and go out to lunch or do something that will temporarily distract you. I did a lot of that in those months....just a breather from the pain. I do not know about your health problems but I do know fatigue can make things more difficult so I hope you are sleeping and walking, drinking water and eating well as those do help. I am so sorry.

Peace

Mary

[Guest babylady]

thank you marc and mary for your responses. it helped.

spoke to another friend awhile ago and he thinks i'm doing fine under the circumstances. he lost his cousin in the towers on 9/11 and it took him a long time to get over it. just a few weeks ago he started crying on the phone. the wife, who was left with 3 little girls started drinking heavily and took up with the first man available, which happened to be her husband's brother.

i haven't done anything like that -- yes some antidepressants and ativan, but i'm not overdoing it. i fear getting addicted to drugs. i know i'm addicted to my pain meds, but my pain doc is not concerned. he said my dose is not that high and i at least get relief from them.

i have severe IBS which is a problem and chronic fatigue syndome/ME. makes one tend to be a bit agoraphobic. also have scoliosis, osteoarthritis and herniated discs.

so hard to make friends when you don't feel well. several of my friends are in NYC and most of my family is in S.C. i have one friend here, but she's ill too.

i do have howie -- my massage therapist who has become my best friend since john got sick. he takes care of a lot of things for me, but he has his business. he's also a realtor and a husband. he spends as much time with me as he can. don't know what i'd do without him.

my other friend is my cat monkey. he's almost 12 and he's in good health but i worry about him. can't imagine losing him.

hugs to all of you.

arlene

[kayc]

I would rather see the tears released than held in. 6 1/2 months out isn't that long, of course you're crying. Your intuition is right, people who are in a bad marriage have no clue what it's like to miss the partner of a great marriage. You have a lot on your plate and that just adds to it. As long as your doctor is aware of your concern about pain killer addiction and says you're on a moderate dosage, I wouldn't worry unduly, just take as prescribed and you should be okay.

My mom married brothers...NOT a good idea. It had severe repurcussions for all of us kids, we're still paying the price of estranged relatives because of it.

[Guest babylady]

thank you KayC. if i don't cry i feel like i'm going to have a panic attack or hyperventilate. i cry as soon as i get up in the morning. i wake up feeling frightened. that's another thing -- i've developed a lot of fears, but i've read that it can be part of the bereavement process. there's so many things connected to bereavement.

i try holding back when i'm in public but as soon as i get into my car the flood gates open.

i'm a sensitive person and even before john became ill i cried easily. my grandmother was like that and so is my sister and niece. wonder if it's genetic.

again thanks to all of you for your responses. this site is so helpful.

hugs to all of you.

arlene

[mfh]

Releasing the tears is healing. At 6 months I was crying on and off all day every day. These are the waves of grief and over time they are further apart...sometimes just as difficult but respites occurs. We are all with you.

Mary

[kayc]

Oh yes, I remember crying too...I still do, just not very often anymore. And yes, it can be genetic...I knew a family of criers...the men all cried easily and then they got nosebleeds. I wouldn't worry about the crying, like Mary said, it's healing, healthy to have that release.

[AnnC]

I agree, crying is healing. I have had hours of crying. And hours in the ladies room at work where no one will see me crying!

There is a chemical in grief tears that actually helps you heal. I know that now, less than four months after my brother's sudden death, I feel like I will explode if I don't cry regularly. Mainly, if you are aline, don't fight the tears, let them come. The car is great for crying, though you may need to pull over to be safe. And be sure to drink water, crying a lot is dehydrating.

Grief counselirs say, "Cry and cry until you're dry." Some people do fine in grief with little crying, but I am not one of them. When my ex-husband died, I cried every day, many times a day, for two years. Then I cried every other day for years three and four. Now, eight years later, I only cry sometimes. But now I am crying for my brother.

Crying is how our bodies and minds process grief.

[MartyT]

Arlene, my dear, you may take some comfort from this thread: Crying

[enna]

The above post that Marty sent out is good for all of us Arlene. The reading material is endless... and I mean endless.

I think crying, Arlene, is as ‘normal’ as breathing. We can read and read and read, but I think the bottom line is it’s ok to just cry. You are you and if you feel like crying then do it.

I cry at a sunset or an animal that is hurting. I cry when I hear my granddaughter play her first piano recital at six years of age. I cry when my four-year-old grandson asks me where grandpa is now. “I want to talk to grandpa,” he says in a very demanding voice. I cry when something or someone moves me in a special way. I cry when I meet someone from my past ALZ group that I haven’t seen for months and we talk about our loses in Michael’s craft store that we both happened to go in to just to escape from the quiet house. I cry when someone says something that touches my heart. There are many on this forum that touch our hearts. I think it is perfectly all right to cry.

You are a very sensitive person so crying is ‘normal’ for you.

Remember what I said in a PM to you not long ago. We have loved deeply and we will cry deeply and for a long time. All losses demands that we cry. I cry hard and feel good about it with the loss of my Jim. No shame. I cry a hundred times a hundred with people (who care) or by myself. I don’t care who sees me. It is the way I express my grief. Anne

[kayc]

I think it would be more abnormal NOT to cry under the circumstances. Those that hold it in can prolong their grief and cause themselves medical problems.

Marty, you posted so many great links! You are wonderful, you always seem to know just where to access everything!