The Future

[Queeniemary]

Starting a brand new year, exciting, scarey, but mostly hopeful. Mike will be gone 3 years on Jan. 13, and most of the time it just not seem possible that such a charismatic personality is gone from this plane. I miss him so very much, and will for the rest of my life.

I need to try to move on, however. I do not like being alone, I miss the companionship, the shared jokes, the shared looks, the inside knowledge of another person. I do not know if that will happen again for me, but I am hopeful. I will not be actively looking, but will try to become more open to that possibility. At 67, I doubt my hopes are very realistic, but who knows. My Dad remarried 5 years after my Mother's death, and he was 85! Of course, the marriage turned out to be a disaster for him, but he was willing to take a chance. I don't particularly want to marry again, but would like, again, to have someone who thinks of me before anyone else.

Many of you, may not understand how I feel. Especially if not much time has passed since losing your partner, and for some of you, the amount of time will not matter, you just know will never want another partner. I really thought I might never get to this point, but find myself becoming more open to another relationship. This does not take away from what I felt/feel for Mike, but I might have a number of years left, and just feel that being lonely is not how I want to spend them.

I spent a lot of time with all my children, in their homes, over the holidays, and enjoyed myself very much. I was in MN, MO, and back home in AR. I got to spend some real time with collage grandchildren, and new great grandchildren. I even was brave enough to drive the 5 hour trip to my youngest son's on Christmas eve in MO, to spend Christmas with him and his big bunch of kids, grandkids, etc. May not sound like a lot to some of you, who travel a lot. BUT I never did the driving, I have never liked to drive particularly. Mike did all the driving and prefered it that way...so did I. This trip a week ago was a big milestone for me....who knows, maybe cross country next?? (NOT)

My point to this ramble (if there is a point) , is that I am evolving, which we all are, and perhaps I am learning a little more each day about who this person is, who no longer has Mike for her partner and companion here on this plane. I know I am stronger (we have to be), and a little braver, and the path I am going along is not the path Mike and I would have shared, but his death forced me to make my own path, alone.

Sweet thing happened in December. In Dec. 09, Mike was awarded the Jailer of the Year award at the Boone County Jail Christmas party. He was very surprised and pleased. This year the award went to Jason, a sargeant with Mike, and I heard that in his speach, he talked about Mike, and credited him with teaching him everything he knows about being a detention officer. The one telling me about this, said he cried a little talking about Mike. Makes me happy to know he is still talked about and missed at the Sheriff's office.

Not sure where all this ramble is going. Wish I had a crystal ball to tell me the right things to do for me in this coming year.....guess I will just have to figure it out, and hope for the best!

Thanks for listening, helps to be able to come here and ramble, even if what you are saying really only means something to you...

So grateful for this site, even though I don't post here as often as I used to. I do read the posts very often. Grateful for Marty, and for all of the ones on here who impart such wisdom and are willing to listen. Also grateful that we all have this place to come, vent and share, and no one judges.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

Such a lovely message, Mary ~ filled with resilience, determination and hope. You've come such a long way and, as you say, you are still "evolving" (as we all are as we struggle to find our way in this life). Like you, I am grateful that we have one another to lean on as we push ever onward, discovering who we are and what we're made of in the process . . .

We are very grateful for the gift of your presence on this site, too, my dear ♥

[nats]

Mary (Queeniemary),

This post stood out and I needed to respond...

It's good to read your positive thinking and reasoning concerning...

"I need to try to move on, however. I do not like being alone, I miss the companionship, the shared jokes, the shared looks, the inside knowledge of another person. I do not know if that will happen again for me, but I am hopeful. I will not be actively looking, but will try to become more open to that possibility. At 67, I doubt my hopes are very realistic, but who knows. My Dad remarried 5 years after my Mother's death, and he was 85! Of course, the marriage turned out to be a disaster for him, but he was willing to take a chance. I don't particularly want to marry again, but would like, again, to have someone who thinks of me before anyone else".

That is a subject that does not get enough focus...everyone of us I know miss our spouses deeply and always will, and many feel they could never encounter love with another person...but as Human beings we require and seek to be loved and love in return...we were not meant to our lives alone since our spouses have passed, many people just do for some reason.

I have been Blessed to have found that special person to enjoy many of the things you mentioned and have indeed found a "New Love"...

I say New Love because this Love is unlike no other so it is indeed New, I take these moments and fully absorb every aspect that I never knew existed before the passing of my wife...I have learned much during this grieving process and continue to each day.

So I say to you... follow your heart, keep an open mind, believe and go with the flow and you never know what will happen.

Happy to hear you had such a good time during the holidays.

May Positive Energy Fill You Each Day

NATS

[kayc]

Mary,

It is good to be open to possibilities. Just because I was and it turned out disastrous, doesn't mean it does for everyone...as long as you have your sense about you and go into something for the right reasons, you stand a much better chance of finding the right fit for you. I think in my situation it was too soon for me to be clear headed and I think I went into the relationship for the wrong reasons...I remember feeling panicked and scared of being alone the rest of my life. I think it's good to listen to feedback from those closest to you who know and love you best. (My son was in the service at the time John and I started our relationship...had he been here things might have been different.) I am learning to live in the present and not worry about the next thirty years, but rather enjoy each day as it comes, and this works best for me. I feel no inclination in looking for someone...I am not opposed to it, I just don't feel like going through what I'd have to go through to try and find someone, but to those who desire this, more power to them! I know how lonely this can be and how hard it is to always be alone. I hope you find just who/what you are desiring...just stop in and say howdy now and then!

[melina]

Mary,

Loneliness is something I live with every day. It can be so overwhelming that I do sometimes think about finding someone else to spend the rest of my life with. I'm 54, so the prospect of spending the next 20 or 30 years all alone fills me with panic.

At the same time, I still feel such grief and longing to be with my husband, that I wonder how a new relationship would work. Would I still be grieving for my husband while spending time with this new person? I actually still feel married. His picture is on the wall in the kitchen. Our sons still miss their father very much. Is there room in my life for two people?

I'm divided on this point. Plus I don't meet very many men through work, and I don't have much of a social life. So I don't know how I'd meet anyone new.

Sometimes I feel trapped in this life. Trapped by obligations, money and even grief. How to break out? I just don't know.

I'm just about to embark on a very long journey - to Australia, for a graduation. My third son is graduating from college over there. It will be a long trip - one I would have preferred to share with my husband. Particularly since this is our son. We should have been rooting for him together.

But I have to force myself to do these things. In time maybe I'll feel more joy.

I'm also grateful to have this place to return to when things get tough.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, I second guess myself all the time. Not sure I can really committ to someone else, when I still miss and love Mike so much. His portrait and pictures are with his Arizona Red Rock urn, right in the living room on a bookcase. Could someone new be able to adapt to that? I don't know, but I think they would have to. He will always be a part of my life, and that is just a non-negeotable item for me. I am not actively seeking anyone, but hope to find myself open to the idea if anyone come along and shows interest in me. I am pretty involved in the arts council and theatre group, but it is so much nicer to have someone to go home with afterwards, and discuss what went on in the meetings, etc. I miss that, and of course others things a lot. Well, Melina, who knows what 2013 will bring for us. Don't see how it can be anything but better, we have had the worst. Good luck on your trip.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Melina, it is always good to see you here. What a long trip you will have...and yes, of course you wish your husband was going with you...and he is at one level...but I admire you setting out for Australia to celebrate your son. good for you. As for a new partner or co panino some day, you will know when and if you want to try that. You are insightful, IMHO. I am very clear that is not on. Y list of desires or goals but for those who choose that path....I applaud them. I see a pretty simple life ahead with perhaps some writing some day. So good to hear from you.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Melina,

In answer to your question, I'd have to say, "yes". Of course a person has tact and sensitivity in reference about their late spouse to their current partner, you have to consider the current one's feelings, and you can't compare them, you don't get a replacement...it doesn't exist. So many have done it and made it work. I'm not sure I could do that again, I have become very independent and like my life to be of my making...I want George's picture up on the wall and his stocking hung at Christmas, I want to be there for my grandchildren when they come along, I don't want someone telling me they don't want me to have a dog (non-negotiable!) and I like being financially independent. I like cooking if I want and not if I don't. With George I never felt constraint, he so encouraged me to be who I am, but there are an awful lot of controllers out there...I'm far too leery. I have dinner with a friend if I want, or spend time with someone, but I don't want to date and I, like you, don't meet people so it's not likely to happen for me. I am a homebody. I used to love being married, going camping, sharing life together, but the chances of finding that are so nil, I just don't look. I hope I don't have another 30 years left here...I see my mom and it just doesn't look inviting.

[Salley]

It has been 20 months to the day since Rich died. For the most part, it has been the first time in my life that I have lived alone. I enjoy the independence, doing what I want whenever I want. We knew for 18 months that Rich was dying and he took great efforts to ready things for my life without him. He taught me bookkeeping and he remodeled the house inside and out to either make it easier for me to stay in the house or to improve it for resale value. In my heart I felt I would not stay in the house and on the farm, alone. In October 2012 I traveled to New Mexico to visit my sister and to look at a developing intentional community for persons over 55 years of age who were seeking a close neighborhood community for their final years. I signed a purchase aggrement to buy an undeveloped lot. I returned to Ohio in late October, started to pack and organize, put the farm on the market to sell, it sold in under 48 hours, the closing was the next week, the moving van arrived on Dec. 20, I spent a week at Christmas with my Mother-in-law in Tennessee, and then drove west to New Mexico arriving here on Dec. 30th. Whew. Things have progressed so fast since I decided to move to this developing community, that my head is still spinning. I am staying with my sister until an apartment has opened up. I have hired an architect to build my new house and house plans are progressing. It is possible I could be in my new house in one year.

I feel there is no room for a new person in my life, even before I undertook this new project. But oddly, whenever I see an unattached man, in the very back of my mind I wonder if he could be a potential person to spend time with. What is that all about?? I do miss having a companion to do things with. As I said, I am living with my sister at the present time and really enjoy having folks around me. In about two weeks I will be moving to an efficiency apartment and am not looking forward to living alone in a brand new environment. It may force me to start making new friends in my new town. Being an introvert, this will be a challange. It was so hard leaving my friends in Ohio. I lived there for almost 40 years. Things have fallen into place so quickly; selling and moving, that I am positive that I am making the correct decisions. I am fortunate to have had a great support group in Ohio and having the means to build a house in a developing support group. It sucks doing all this alone. But I liked living alone this past 1 1/2 years doing my serious grieving. Life is, and never has been, easy. I am grateful for this website, even if I do not participate much. I certainly read often and have benefited greatly from all the posts.

Beth

[MartyT]

Good for you, Beth! Thank you for sharing your uplifting news with all of us. Your positive attitude is inspiring, and we wish you nothing but the very best! ♥

[kayc]

Wow, you are a hard lady to keep up withl! Wish you well!

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I read this earlier today on Christine Thiele's blog, Memoirs from Widow Island, and I thought it fit nicely within this topic: Beauty and Expectations ♥

[mfh]

Dear Beth, I believe when things just fall into place so easily with no one forcing or pushing...as was your sale of the farm and your finding this new community...they were meant to be. I admire your adventurous spirit and determination and wish you the best.

Peace

Mary

[mfh]

Excellent article from Memoirs from Widow Island and yes it fits right into this topic. thank you, Marty.

[melina]

Beth,

I'm impressed, and frankly in awe of the sheer energy and determination you've shown in selling and moving so quickly. I would like to do the same - start a new life somewhere, but there are things I have to consider, such as money. That's a big one. I have to work full time to survive, and I have a big mortgage on the house. I can't be free and independent, though I could possibly sell this house and buy a cheaper one in a different place.

I'm in Perth, Australia now, visiting my third son. I attended his graduation from college last night.

This trip has been an undertaking. About 25 hours of flying to get here. I'm staying in an AirBnB - an inexpensive B & B that's basically a room in someone's house.

It's hard to describe this experience. On the one hand, I'm pleased I've been able to travel this far on my own, and I'm happy to see my son and meet his new girlfriend. Happy to be somewhere warm - hot, actually - and excited about seeing new things, new places.

On the other hand, I still feel very much alone. The owners of the B & B are a very happily married couple. My son and his girlfriend are very much in love.I met my son's girlfriend's parents at the graduation, and they were holding hands and laughing together. Everywhere there are reminders of what I could have had. At times I feel pathetic and old, and I'm still only 54.

Right now, I think I would like to have a partner to experience life with, but I don't think it will be easy to find one. I'm not beautiful and not very confident and extroverted. I often wonder what my purpose in life is supposed to be. Was it to love someone and put children on the planet? Because I've done that.

Is there anything left for me to do now? If so, how and when will I know?

Melina

[mfh]

Melina, so,glad you met those people but I can easily imagine what it was like to be with so many loving couples...Noah's Ark ..like dining out on Valentine's Day....not fun.

How long will you be down there.

I think of you often...and I just believe things will work out for you...maybe not fast enough but I do believe it will eventually work out.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Melina,

I am struggling with the same kinds of questions...I too was in awe of Beth's accomplishments and ashamed of my inaction and inward complaining. Right now I try to hang on to my house to provide my pets a home and store my son's stuff while he's in college...beyond that, I don't know what purpose I have. I USED to do all kinds of things. I feel like a has-been in a sped up world, one that has left me behind. I sat completely alone at my son's wedding (long story) and although I see other people happily remarried, that's not my situation. I don't know the answer, just know you are not alone in your feelings.

You were very brave to traverse the miles by yourself and I hope you had a good time in spite of being alone. One thing I work at is enjoying things even though alone and trying to not let myself be robbed of the pleasure of a good meal or a beautiful sight just because I don't have someone to share it with. I am valuable in and of myself, whether anyone else values me or not, whether anyone else chooses to spend time with me or not...and so are you.

[Wifflesnook]

Kay you are an inspiration. I know I have to live on without Pete even though I don't want to. I know I must somehow take pleasure in things like a good meal or a beautiful view, but when I get a tickle of enjoyment in something I can feel myself batting it down to extinction. Pete would not want this. I need to somehow be able to take pleasure and comfort in things without him. I know it doesn't mean he isn't always beside me. In fact it might mean he is, urging me on to still be able to enjoy life. But even writing enjoy is hard as I feel myself blocking it as though now it is not for me any more.

[mfh]

Kay and Meline, I am already anticipating with a sort of dread, going to my niece's wedding in the fall. The last niece got married and Bill and I were there together...now I go and alone. That same niece is now divorced so I will focus on the pain she is in. There will be a lot of people there that I know, including cousins from everywhere (I come from a huge family but a small family of sibs) But I know the combination of wedding and all these people etc will be tough. I am hoping Cathy will be with me as it will help a lot. I feel sad just thinking of the day...so I am not going to think of it today.

[kayc]

Jan, Do you feel guilty if you enjoy something, as if it takes you away from Pete, or means you didn't care as much about him? Not saying you do, just wondering if that's a reason you feel yourself batting it down to extinction when you do start to feel enjoyment. If so, that's a common grief response and with time one can learn it's okay to enjoy life and it doesn't mean you're not grieving and you can completely miss them and love them and still feel enjoyment of other things simultaneously. Maybe not so much in the beginning, but with time. Try to give yourself permission to enjoy something and see if that helps...yes, that is what Pete would want for you, as much as he cared about you.

Mary, I know it's hard to go to weddings...I had mixed feelings at my son's wedding, I was very happy for them, but it accentuated my own situation and I couldn't help feeling my life is over as theirs is beginning. It'd be good if you could take Cathy with you so you won't have to be alone through it.

[mfh]

Thanks, Kay. It is so far off I seldom think about it and though I know it will be difficult..filled with memories as Bill and I have been to Rockport many many times and been on every road, to every beach, restaurant etc. and the last time we were there was my other niece's wedding. But I know, as you do, that we survive these things and make the best of them. Thank you.

Mary

[amw]

_Mary,

_{It's ok to want someone to be there for companionship, or even more! I know that at 9 months out I am not there, not sure I ever will be, but my grandmother was married 25 yrs to my grandfather when he died of a massive heart attack. She was single until she was 67, then found someone and married after a year and a half, they celebriated their 25th anniv. last feb, and he passed two weeks later, sadly. But the point is they found each other and had 25 great years together!}

_{I'm sure Mike wouldn't want you to be all alone for the rest of your life, he knows you will always love him, and never forget what you two had together!}

[Wifflesnook]

Kay yes I have struggled a bit with that. So far I haven't felt much enjoyment of anything but if I do it's true I bat it down as inappropriate and I know Pete would hate that and would want me to be as happy as I can be when he isn't here. I'm listening to wise words!

[kayc]

Whatever joy I feel is brief and on a lesser level, but at least it's something. Nothing compares to life "before". Nothing so fulfilling, nothing so deep. Today I will take Arlie for a ride in the truck, bringing him pleasure brings me pleasure. It's smaller and short lived, but at least it's something. We have to try to find something.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I remember thinking at one point," I am too young to be a widower--and too old to be a bachelor. Where the heck and what the heck does that leave me?"

I still have no resolution on this point--and it sounds like we are most of us in that same boat. Melina, I have never really seen your face, but I know your soul is a thing of great beauty--as are the souls of all I have met here. And that is what matters to me--and all that ever has for all my post-adolescent life.

This much, I know: There is yet work for each of us here. Sometimes our grief fogs us in so badly we cannot see what that purpose is--but it is there, nonetheless. And when we see that purpose, we will know what it is and embrace it with our being.

I wonder sometimes about the future--and whether that future holds anything that even looks like a "relationship" in it. I know Jane thought it was a good idea--she said so before she went into the hospital. But I had given up on love not long before we met--and she had, too. And then there she was--and there I was. I've resolved the question, for now at least, in that same veil. If someone is out there, it will happen in its own time. I'm not ready to go there now. I may never be ready to go there. But if the cards get dealt that way, I won't argue any more than i will if they turn out some other way.

When I was in college I worked as a copy boy for a major newspaper. One of the reporters was the happiest man I ever met. We were talking one day and he told me how that attitude came to be: During WW II, he was part of a group of soldiers training in northern England. A few days before they were to leave for the front, one of the officers came to him and said they were leaving him behind as part of a cadre to train new men as they arrived from the states.

This was in December of 1944. His unit went to a quiet place on the front where not much action was expected--in the Ardennes Forest. They were the first unit the Germans encountered as they launched what would be called the Battle of the Bulge. Every man in his unit died that day.

"Every day since," he told me, "has been gravy. I don't know why I was left behind. But I try to enjoy every minute of it for the guys I lost that day."

Jane and I did not get the days we had looked forward to. But I owe it to her to get as much out of the days I have as I can--for both of us. Part of that is finding a way to kill the cancer that took her and part of it is the other work we had planned to do. But part, as well, is to enjoy this earth for as long as I walk it--to find the little joys and loves that hide in every nest of every bird and the buds of every tree--and to protect them when the need is there.

Peace,

Harry