valmalhill Posted March 1, 2015 Report Share Posted March 1, 2015 Butch, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I am feeling what you are feeling. I lost my husband, Mike on January 31st! It has been about 30 days. I feel so terribly alone. We had no children so now it's just me and my Mom lives with me. Mike was just 45 years old. I miss him. It's like part of my heart is with him. It actually feels like it died with him. I'm so sorry you too are experiencing this horrible pain. It is undescrible, isn't it. I just wanted to write to let you know I will be praying for you. I right now, find that I am putting some of Mike's stuff up, and then some stuff I cannot put up...we have to do whatever makes us more comfortable, whatever gives us comfort is what we need to focus on. I just wanted you to know, I care and I'm so sorry.....This is boat I'm sure didn't want to get in. Have a peaceful day. Valerie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Valerie, Bless you. I'm so sorry for your loss. And yet taking time to reply to me. My prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Does anyone feel like they just can't walk this journey? That's where I am at. My chest hurts. Physically. Everything is a pure fog. Everything is a struggle. Everything. She was my wife, my heart, my very world. I couldn't protect her. Half of me is gone. I'm lost. My chest literally hurts so bad. I don't know what's normal anymore... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Dear Butch,Everything you describe is normal, common, and what many of us have felt. I can remember weeks of chest pains (but get it checked out if you haven't, just in case there is another cause) when I could actually feel my broken heart. In fact, it was about all that I did feel the first couple of months, other than the pain I was in from my spine. I lived, walked, talked, and functioned entirely in a fog. It was a struggle to get out of bed and brush my teeth and hair. I could not save Doug. We, together, who could usually do anything, could not save him. All the doctors, hospitals, medicines, and special clinical trials could not save him.We lost. We lost our big push to keep Doug here, for him to stay. And yet, I know it was time for him to go, because he really did need to escape his criminal family. Yet, when he left, all I felt was as though half of me was gone. Everything was out of balance. Nothing seemed real any more, and everything was a dull gray.I think that when we walk through the shadow of the valley, we are in what will probably be the more painful place in our lives. Everything hurts. Nothing feels normal or right. We have lost our ability to function, to reason, to make decisions, to care for ourselves. It can take months to get back to any kind of sense of being here on Earth, of being alive, of having a life that is continuing.When you are feeling so lost and unable to function, try making a list of some tiny goals for the day: get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed. Comb your hair. Prepare and eat breakfast. Meditate. Every task takes longer, seems to pull out what little energy we have and to leave us more bereft and weak. I kept a list of people I could call, and I would not when I had last called them, so I could spread my grief around, and not lean entirely on one or two people. I went to church when I could, to be with people. Later, as the fog lifted, it hurt too much to sit in our pew. So I went back to Friends Meeting for Worship.Right now, though, please make sure your chest pains are not your heart or your lungs. Because we are so weak from grief, it is easy for physical and medical problems to creep in through our weak immune systems. Please do have this checked and let us know.I am holding you in my heart and praying for you.Peace to your heart,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Yes, dear Butch when we have had a love that completed us we do feel that we will not be able to go on. I agree with fae about any physical symptoms you may be having ~ please get them checked out. I am a little over 33 months and some days I slip back to those first weeks where I could not even get out of bed. Allow yourself to be where you are. The pain will not be as intense as it is for you today. You have endured some very traumatic events in the past and it will take time for you to slowly peel the grief back. Those of us who have been where you are now know that it is necessary to take one hour, one day at a time. Everything you are experiencing is NORMAL. You are just fine and most importantly you are not alone. We are walking with you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 I, too, admonish you to get your chest pains checked out. Jesus died of a broken heart, so is it any wonder, when our hearts are breaking that we feel physical pain? Our emotional and physical selves are so interlinked! Yes, you can do this, I know because I did when I didn't think it possible, I think all of us here can say the same thing. Remember, try not to look at "the rest of your life"...just take on today and let the rest tend to itself in it's due time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 "Allow yourself to be where you are." Dear Anne, I don't think I have ever heard it put quite that way before, and it is beautiful! I think it can be difficult to 'be where we are' when we are in grief or pain. Or both. So much of us wants to fight against this situation, to do everything, think everything, feel everything that we can so that things return to our old, normal life. I am still learning lessons about allowing myself to be in the sorrow, the sense of being off balance, the sense, sometimes, of losing my mind, and the sense that nothing I do will work any more. Thank you for that expression, which I am going to turn into a graphic when I have time. I am monitoring a seminar these three days, as well as working on an office project that is going to take about the same amount of time, so I am happy to be multi-tasking. Thank you for "Allow yourself to be where you are." *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Thank you Ladies... First, I do Promise to see the Dr. I have never "done" Drs for myself very well. But I will make an appointment as soon as I post this. I've had cardiac issues... Minor angina, some hypertension... In recent years. But tests a few years back were clear. Have just been on hydroclorothiazide since for moderate hypertension. So maybe with grief, exhaustion, eating little etc... Things have changed. I will let you know. Thank you for your words of wisdom... And by wisdom, I mean your hearts experiences. And "allow yourself to be where you are". That's so hard for all of us I think. We want to go back. We want to have a "do over". At least I do. Though sadly it wouldn't change the outcomes. And it's hard too to allow to be where you are... Because it just plain hurts so badly. Thank you all. I am going to call Dr right now. Hopefully for an appointment in a couple days. We are getting more snow, rain, ice, and freezing rain. We got another foot of snow the other night. There is no more room. Love and hugs, Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Thank you Butch. I was reading about your snow and it sparked a thought—has anyone heard from Harry lately? I hope he is doing all right. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 I will look for Harry on FB. fae, will let you know what I find out. Harry, thank you for making an appt. to get your chest pain checked...we're all a bunch of mother hens here and we worry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 He is still posting regularly, (last one 5 min. ago) and no mention of snow, roads, or hardship. I take that as a good sign! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Thank you Kay! Yes, I take that as a good sign about Harry. It is cold but clear here right now. 19F and warming up a bit from a low of 2F this morning. I am listening to a seminar on Aging Consciously while I am sorting and shredding files. I am feeling very accomplished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 I feel lazy today. I need to go to the valley and buy groceries and sundry items but think I'll put it off until Friday or Saturday. I should have left hours ago if I was going to. Instead I made a birthday card for my sister and one for my nephew while enjoying a good cup of coffee. It's very cold today, a good day to be in...cold but pretty, sunshining outside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Hi. I've been slowly reading Mary's posts. I've been slowly reading Shannon's posts. And I just have to say one thing. I'm angry... Plain and simple... I'm angry. Actually there isn't really anything simple about it. But I'm angry... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Butch, what are you feeling angry about? Is it Mary's being gone? Or is it what she had to go through, so many losses? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Kay, I honestly don't know... Angry at her pain grief and losses... Angry at reading all the pain from my sweetheart... Angry at reading all the pain from reading Shannon's losses... Though I knew all the pain... But reading it just makes me angry... Maybe solidifies it all more. I don't know. I feel so inadaquate. And I feel so wordless right now... Just angry... And sorry... I'm off to the Drs in a bit. Even though we just got 8 inches more snow. And it's still coming down. Will let you know how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Hi Butch, First of all I’m glad you are going to the doctor and will be looking for a report. Secondly, I want to address your comments about being angry. I think when we love someone as deeply as we love our spouse anger is a normal response and it is part of our pain for our loss. Since grief is so personal not everyone will be angry. Here are a few web sights that I think might help you understand anger and grief: http://www.thegrievingheart.info/anger.html http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/anger_with_grief.shtml http://www.journey-through-grief.com/grief-and-anger.html Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 5, 2015 Report Share Posted March 5, 2015 Dear Butch, I want to suggest that perhaps you might want to read LESS for a while. It is called emotional dosing: don't take in more than you can process easily. I think we all get angry. I think it is a part of losing our Beloved, that we feel a range of emotions. Sometimes, anger seems to fill our hearts. Other times, it may be sadness, or hopelessness, or gratitude. I am glad you are in touch with your feelings and know what you are feeling. That is very healthy! Now, just cut back on reading until you feel more in balance. Or only read a tiny bit. Even today, three years later, when I am going through Doug's documents, I limit myself to a couple a day, and sometimes none that day, so that I can spare myself a terrible round of pain and tears. When I take it in smaller doses, I can handle it a lot better, and I feel much better emotionally. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 6, 2015 Report Share Posted March 6, 2015 Butch says he won't be back here for a while but wants everyone to know he got checked out at the doctor and he's okay, just needs to get a stress test again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 Kay, So I had my stress test. I "failed". Scheduled for a cardiac catheterization Friday. I didn't fail is apparently that badly or the cath would have been immediately. My last stress test I was close to "failing" but did well enough to satisfy the cardiologist. I'm very annoyed. Particularly because this dr treated both Leo and my Mary with their heart issues. I mean he's an incredible physician but he treated my wife and BIL who meant everything to me as you know. Will let you know what happens. If no stent is needed I will be home Friday evening. If something is needed it will be at least a day... He is thinking possibly a stent. Which isn't a big deal. It starting to melt a little here with rain yesterday. Of course five to six feet of snow isn't going anywhere soon. How are you doing? Last night was two months since my Mary passed. I haven't any words for that. None. You may share this with friends at forum. I will get back there sometime. I just can't right yet. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 Blessings to you, and thank you for sharing Butch's update with all of us, dear Kay ~ and I know you will convey to him that we are holding him close in our thoughts and prayers. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 Marty, I will convey that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks Kay for the update on Butch. Please let him know he is in my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 I think we all have an inkling if what Butch is going through right now. My heart goes out to him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Thank you for letting us know Kay. When you are in touch let him know he is in my thoughts and prayers. Sending big hugs. I will waiting to hear how he is doing. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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