Breakdown

[Froggie4635]

I have been doing so well, maintaining my "brave-face" and trying to hold it all together and today it broke. All it took was a email from someone pointing out a mistake at work and the frustration and hurt and grief came out. I have always prided myself on the job I did; apparently I did it well because so many people came to me to help out on their issues. Well, all it took was the wrong person sending the wrong email and I fell apart. I know I haven't been doing the right things in regards to my grief; watching television instead of dealing. Add in the heat of a Texas summer, and I have lost it this morning. Do I still deserve sympathy for the loss of my husband? How can I know what to do when I have not ever been through this before. I have trying so hard to be the person I was before...ready to help, ready to take on the task. Up until now it has been going along. WHAM!

[enna]

Oh, dear Maryann,

You have every right to feel as you feel. You do not need to keep "maintaining my brave face" or "holding it all together."

I know we have to be different when working, but you should never be concerned about how you are dealing with your grief.

Grief is a very personal thing and we all grieve in our own way.

I am so sorry that you received an insensitive email.

Crying is good for us. We will always need empathy for having lost our spouses or anyone else for that matter.

You asked the question, "How can I know what to do when I have not ever been through this before" and the answer is not an easy one.

For me, I have tried to allow the emotions to flow when they come. I have read about spousal loss and sought out the comfort of a grief counselor since I did not know what to do either.

You are not the person you were before, Maryann. It will take as long as it takes to find out who you are now.

Please be gentle with yourself. Seek out those people who understand and who will not judge.

I am so glad you are here to receive the caring love and understanding you will always have here.

There will be ups and downs on this journey. There is no right or wrong way to travel it, but you are not alone.

Hugs to you.

Anne

[MartyT]

Maryann, my dear, of course you "still deserve sympathy" for the loss of your husband! Unfortunately, the work place is probably the last place you will find it ~ and that is why it's so important to surround yourself with the people you have found here. This is your soft place to land, and we are here to catch you if you fall.

At work we're expected to live up to a set of standards that just don't fit when we're in mourning, but when we have to go to work, we do the best we can. And sometimes we make mistakes. You are only human, and you're doing the best you can do. When setbacks like this happen, find a way to forgive yourself, do what you can to fix the mistake, and let it be enough. If there is a lesson here, pay attention to it and act upon it.

You said "I know I haven't been doing the right things in regards to my grief; watching television instead of dealing." I'm not sure what you mean by "dealing," but if that means that you're avoiding your pain and not doing your grief work (see Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief), maybe you can think of this mistake at work as a wake-up call ~ that is, a signal that you need to pay more attention to your grief and give more time to the active mourning that you still need to do.

[Queeniemary]

Maryann, you are especially sensitive to "everything" right now, so even an email pointing out an error, even if done in a kind manner is going to upset you. It may not be easy for co-workers to understand that you are not the same person you were before. Especially if they have not experienced this kind of loss. And you are not, Maryann! You may look the same and sound the same, but your life has changed drastically, and it will never be exactly like it was before. Anne and Marty are right, in the workplace, we have to try and live up to standards of our jobs. It is not easy, and letting off steam, when you need to do so, is perfectly fine. We are all here for you, in our own ways. Yes people should still be giving sympathy for your terrible loss, but because many people do not know how to react to death, they just try to avoid any mention of it, including the sympathy part. Take care, and just blow off steam whenever you need to, we all do that from time to time. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

QMary

[kayc]

Maryann, about a year after George died, I was at work and my boss emailed me because I'd answered the phone on the second ring instead of the fourth ring. He followed that by going through the office, announcing it to everyone, like I was a failure or something. I burst into tears! A coworker came and put his arms around me as I sobbed, "I just feel like no matter how hard I try, it's never good enough!". He comforted me saying, "I know. It's okay." My bossed peeked his head in the door and quickly turned around and left.

Sometimes people can be super insensitive. Sometimes they're quick to point out the least little thing we do "wrong" in their eyes, yet don't give applaud for all the great things we do right! And it feels unfair. And QMary is right, we ARE sensitive when we're grieving. A year or two is nothing in the scheme of things, it takes so much longer to adjust to the myriads of changes that are affected by their death. It changed everything for us!

Try to listen and learn from whatever pointers people at work make, even if they're ill-stated, and let the feelings associated with it go. It's okay to cry (preferably not at work although sometimes even that can't be helped), okay to vent, and certainly we have a wonderful place to be heard and understood here. The fact is, we're human. Try as we might, NONE of us can be perfect, no matter how long we've been at the effort!

Yes, you still deserve sympathy, something others don't always excel at.

[Froggie4635]

My supervisor has been so wonderful and she made sure that she was NOT thinking anything that went on or happened was my fault. She said that she looked more at all the things that WERE done perfectly and without a hitch or problem. I just think that every thing that transpired this morning was merely the straw that broke this camel's back today. I have been working on my balancing act, and maybe had not left enough flex room. I have had to face the fact also that I have kind of been avoiding my grief. I think the impending passing of my aunt over the last couple weeks has had a hand in today's breakdown. I went to lunch with two very close friends and they listened to the things I said, then told me what they heard and they were all things that showed I was still moving forward in my journey. Sometimes it takes an outside person to point things out. I am so grateful that I have everyone here who can also help me "see". I have most of the time been a cut to the chase person; quickest way to accomplish something was the best way. But I am learning that in grief there are NO shortcuts, and just putting your head down and trying to walk through unscathed won't work either. Lesson learned.

[MartyT]

♥

[marsha]

Maryann - I've just got to say - watching tv instead of "dealing". Sometimes watching tv IS dealing. Take it from someone who has every episode of every Star Trek ever made. It's therapy. It takes me out of my mind (in a good way) and helps me deal. We can't work on grief 24/7. It's not emotionally possible. It's also ok (and not just ok, necessary) to fall back and gather your emotional strength. Grief is a strange thing - it ebbs and flows, and there's no accounting for when it will hit, again. Take it easy on yourself! Hugs, marsha

[MartyT]

Excellent point, Marsha. Hugs to you, too

[kayc]

That's true, Marsha. And I remember a post about "scheduling your grief". It was a very good tip!

[Froggie4635]

I took a vacation day today. I decided to go and get a haircut. Simple enough. I am making myself a promise not to turn on the television at all today. I know it is necessary to escape grief from time to time, but I think I was doing more avoiding instead of escaping. And like Marty said, my body and soul AND grief made it known that it was time to get back to work and deal with everything that is going on inside. As the protective fog begins to lift, there is more pain than before. I have always been a person who never minded being alone before. I lived here in Houston 4 years all alone and did okay; except that I spent slot of time trying to find someone to love. I don't want to be finding someone to love now. I had someone that I loved very deeply and can NEVER be replaced. And I have to deal with that now and find a way to be okay with it. My heart is still so very broken and not even Humpty Dumpty can put it back together.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I'm glad you're taking a day off and doing something for YOU. I was able to be okay with not finding someone to love as I began to cherish the precious memories of the one who loved me best, realizing there will never be another George.

[scba]

Maryann, I understand you. And I think that your decission to take a day off and get a haircut were good ones. I understood that I must take care of myself, hair included.

I spent years looking for my soulmate, I found him, and he was taken away from me too soon. But he changed my life forever. He loved me in a way I cannot put in words. He was the one. I never doubted it. He was all I could ever wanted. I cannot think of being with anyone else simply because there was no break up and he is the love of my life, and he loves me more every day.

[Froggie4635]

Yesterday was 8 months Mark has been gone. I remained very quiet yesterday. Monday I received a card from the Eye Bank regarding the donation that was made with Mark's eyes. It took everything in me to call and see if his corneas had been used. I came in to work this morning with a message from them. I called back and left a message. I seem to have myself back together today, though I really am having a hard time focusing at work. I kind of just want to be in that thinking about Mark mode...but that doesn't pay the bills. I know now that I need a break at least once a month. I wish I could afford to cut my hours some, but that is just not possible.