Too much pain

[Gwenivere]

I feel like the odd woman out.  My house is clean.  Too clean actually.  I keep doing the chores because that is what I always did. It's mostly to kill the many extra hours I have now.  There isn't much reward because the house doesn't feel really lived in anymore.  It's sad to change our bed now.  There is a whole side that is never used.  I think of the times I would hassle Steve. about how quickly he could undo what I did.  I always liked our balance as he managed the tech stuff and outside projects.  I miss the partnership.  We all know how we lived has so drastically changed.  Cooking is the worst.  Sitting alone. There doesn't seem to be any thing the grief doesn't affect.  Even our dogs are caught in this.  They often get cheated because I am crying and can only manage the basics.  Fortunately they are forgiving beings.  They even seem to get it and have been more in need of being close to me.  I'd give anything to wake up to the life we had.   

[kayc]

Gwenivere,

I'm glad you have dogs, they are wonderful.  No offense to cat owners (I have two), but to them, life is about THEM, whereas the dog seeks to please and will bring comfort any way they can to you.  The dog I had when George died definitely grieved, but I was so lost in my own grief it took my daughter to point it out to me.

I don't know how, or am physically unable, to do some of the things George did.  Financially I can't afford to pay someone to do those things.  Consequently, some things are either hired out, figured out, or put off.  I've been thinking about this lately because I'm unable to drive at night anymore.  If my husband was still alive it wouldn't matter, he would drive me where I needed to go.  Where I live, it's hard to catch rides, so consequently there is a whole lot I miss out on.  How much one aspect affects my life!  But there's so MANY aspects on which his death affected my life!  The biggest one, not having him to talk to and hold me....all the way down to no one to do certain things, and financially.  It changed our social life, and sexual/romance is forever gone.  It's amazing how big a difference his life made.  Cooking lost so much of its luster because he loved and appreciated everything I made...it took years for me to care what I cooked/ate and even so, it still is and never will be the same.  He affected every part of my being.

[Kpl48]

It's morning again. I'm having coffee in bed again. The grief runs through me again. I'm so lonely for Andre again. Every morning is so painful. I can't seem to push through it to change the awful pattern I'm in. 

Tomorrow morning I have to take my car in for maintenence. Andre used to do this. I've done it a couple of times since his death. I'm going to try to catch up on my paperwork this afternoon. I'm going to my support group and out to lunch with a friend at noon today. Getting out helps relieve the grief. 

[Queeniemary]

I am reading this thread, and understanding how you are each feeling.  Kay has been here a long time, I also have been here for a while.  I lost Mike in January, 2010, and found this site in April, 2010.  I think coming here, being with people who understand what I was feeling, kept me from losing my mind.  There is always this empty feeling, the sadness and grief of being without Mike.  BUT, as the years go by, living with his death does become easier.  The second and third year were my worst.  I was feeling so confident at the end of the first year, I was sure I had it all under control.  I did not, I think I was just numb most of the first year.  Anne is right, it does not matter the 1st second or third year, or whatever, we all operate on a different schedule. Our grief is personal and individual!  For you who are new, I was in the hospital having just had a total knee replacement when Mike died at home alone of a massive coronary at age 62.  No history of heart trouble, nothing.  I learned of his death over the phone from my daughter.  I had ask her to go check on him as I could not reach him on the phone.  When I called his phone later, she answered, and had to tell me.  Those first few months are just a fog, sometimes I remember them more clearly than other times.  I think that is nature's way of helping us to cope.  (probably did not hurt that I was on pain meds also) Don't mean to drag this out, but for you whose loss is more recent, I will tell you this.  There will be times you think you cannot possibly make it through the day, week, whatever.  But you will.  Gradually you will make a life without your beloved.  Not because you want to, but because, you really have no choice.  You can make it where you hide out and let grief consume you (and sometimes that is a good thing to do), but eventually you will decide to forge on. There is no time table, grief is personal. You are making a new normal, you will never have the old normal back. Prayers for peace.

QMary

Edited October 22, 2015 by Queeniemary

[Kpl48]

I've been told and I've read that the pain of grief lessens with time. My husband and I spent most of our time alone together, especially the last ten years. We enjoyed each others company. He told me to get out and make friends. I started doing this about two months before he died. He could see I was not going to isolate myself. During this past year without him, I've made sure I get out of the house almost every day. I go to support group meetings. I go to lunch with friends several times a week. I email my online grief groups. I grocery shop, go to movies and try to be around other people. 

Its when I'm alone that the painful grief overtakes me. I can't sit in the living room because that's where my husband and I spent so much time. I rarely open the blinds to see my beautiful view. I almost never sit on my small deck. I can barely sit in my office area to keep up with paperwork. I stay in my bedroom watching tv, reading, crying, eating meals...waiting for time to pass until I can fall asleep. My dog gives me great comfort as he stays by my side all the time. Mornings are very painful. I'm able to break out of the pain in order to go out. Sometimes my friend comes over and we go to the mineral pools in the resort where I live. 

About two weeks ago I had professional cleaners in to deep clean my house. I'm going to have them return regularly. I'm going to get my carpet and windows cleaned, as well as my small yard cleaned up. I plan to have my yard and driveway cleaned weekly. I'm paying a friend to help me go through papers and declutter. Eventually I'd like to redecorate inside and out. These things make me hopeful about living in my home without my husband. Slowly but surely I'm getting there. 

 

[MartyT]

You are making a Herculean effort, dear Kristine, and it shows. We're all pulling for you. Keep on keeping on. We are proud of you ♥

[Kpl48]

I I had a friend with me during the day yesterday. We sorted through a lot of paperwork and took my car for maintenence. Then we went to my mineral pools. I even opened my blinds in the living room. This morning my grief is back as usual. I'm crying and missing Andre so much. I'm going to my support group this morning which always makes me feel better. But I know I'll come home and cry again.