Margm Posted January 7, 2016 Report Share Posted January 7, 2016 I should be ashamed of myself again. Billy used to say "Marg, you blame yourself for everything." And I tend to do that. I think sometimes I speak from fear. I guess a good analogy would be a baby learning to walk. I think being aware of mental problems in my family, dating back to my great grandfather dying in a charity hospital from alcohol and other family members having the addiction gene. No alcohol for my radiated ruptured belly. I will take Xanax till the end of my days, no apology. I do not abuse the dosage, and if I don't need it, I don't take it. I might be elderly, but my mind is okay. Even with the grief overload. I have family, I have wonderful lifelong friends who have this unfortunate experience, and they help me. Strange numb feeling to my brain. I will leave Sunday early and get started on that house. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 7, 2016 Report Share Posted January 7, 2016 2 hours ago, Marg M said: I should be ashamed of myself again. Billy used to say "Marg, you blame yourself for everything." And I tend to do that. I think sometimes I speak from fear. I guess a good analogy would be a baby learning to walk. I think being aware of mental problems in my family, dating back to my great grandfather dying in a charity hospital from alcohol and other family members having the addiction gene. No alcohol for my radiated ruptured belly. I will take Xanax till the end of my days, no apology. I do not abuse the dosage, and if I don't need it, I don't take it. I might be elderly, but my mind is okay. Even with the grief overload. I have family, I have wonderful lifelong friends who have this unfortunate experience, and they help me. Strange numb feeling to my brain. I will leave Sunday early and get started on that house. You´re great,Margaret...You´re like my mother,by all means...You´re dearest to me... Love you! Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 Thank you Janka. I would love being your mom. You are a dear sweet person to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 Kayc: My old user name was Janice. They said I had to come up with a new one, so, therefore, Cookie. Yes, the things people say to you at a time like this can get you all mixed up and feeling more vulnerable. I was reading some of the posts about suicide. I have definitely not wanted to be here. Who in their right mind wants to endure this pain? The actual taking of my life is not something I really think about, it's more the wanting it to happen soon naturally. I started working at a daycare center 3 hours a day, 5 days a week thinking it would be the perfect thing to get me going again. Unfortunately, the lady I work with is awful with the kids and she is in charge. So now I'm going to have to leave this job. So depressing. I was really counting on this to help me. It's hard to find part-time or full-time jobs where I live right now. Can't stand the idea of being at home, but it's back to the drawing board. This seems never-ending sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 Marg: I feel for you. I might be taking lorazepam for the rest of my days, as the anxiety I get now is over the top so much of the time. I understand how hard it can be. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 Cookie I am sorry the daycare job didn't work out, it's a shame as it did sound perfect. My wife ran a handicapped preschool for the local school district. She was what you think of when you think of early childhood teachers. Lovedd the kids, her staff, the parents and they all adored her. I hope you can find something to help distract you and to give you some warm strokes as you need them. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 9, 2016 Report Share Posted January 9, 2016 Janice, Have you reported the lady you work with? I shudder to think of little kids being subjected to someone's ill treatment when they're so helpless! I'm sorry it's not working out for you, I hope you find something else. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2016 Janice, I hope you will find something that will give you what you need right now! What a pity that that woman in charge is no good....Kay's suggestion of reporting her is good, at the very least, I would tell them exactly why you are leaving! You may want to check into after-school programs. many schools have them to cover the few hours gap between the end of the school day and parents getting out of work. I know a lady who has done this for years, she still is going strong at it at age 66....the kids love her! Best of luck to you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Brad: Your wife sounds like she was wonderful and someone I would like. I often think this when I am reading the posts here, how I wish the people we are talking about having lost were still with us and we could introduce them to everyone; sounds crazy, I know. I changed classrooms at the daycare and it is better. I am still looking for something else and have signed up to take an on-line medical coding/billing course for the future, as I did medical transcription and have the background. I'm not doing the transcription now because of the association to my husband's death and having to work at home to do it. I had a thought today, which just now has come to me. I have been doing all these things to get out, meet new people hoping it will make me feel better, and, although, I know that's supposed to be a good thing to do, I still feel as lost and maybe lonelier than ever. I realized that what is missing is that familiarity of being around people you know well and who know you. This new life is so different for me than what I would be doing if John were still here, and I think it's adding to the out of touch feeling I get. I'm constantly in situations where I'm meeting new people, putting myself in new, uncomfortable situations. Hoping that will change with time. A counselor I was thinking of seeing just recently said that after 7 months I could be at risk of losing function because of the way I'm feeling (all the pain, anxiety, etc.). I wish someone would get this straight. I'm either hearing it's normal to feel the way I feel or now I'm at risk of losing it. I don't really think I will lose functioning, as I keep going pretty well, but I do feel the ever-present pain and many times anxiety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Everyone: As I said to Brad, I did talk to the daycare director and she is aware of the problem. She moved me to a different class with 4-year-olds. It is much better. I'm still looking for other jobs, though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Janice, my dear, I know nothing of the counselor who told you that at 7 months you "could be at risk of losing function," but hearing that, I doubt very much if she (he?) specializes in grief counseling or if she personally has experienced significant loss herself. Think of what has happened to you, including all the secondary losses you've endured, in the few months since your husband died. Are you supposed to have your head on straight and your entire life in order by now? Seriously? You've read enough on this site alone to know that seven months is barely enough time to even begin to realize how very much you have lost, much less to come to terms with all of this. Grief is NOT a mental illness (although it surely can make us feel and even act as if we're "going crazy" sometimes). It is a NORMAL response to the loss of someone dearly loved, and it can take not just months, but years, to find our way through it ~ and even then, we'll never be the same as we were before the loss took place. Take a look at some of the Related Articles listed at the base of this post: Are We Medicating Normal Grief? ~ and see especially Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? And before you decide to work with this particular counselor, I hope you'll ask about what qualifies her to be working in the field of grief and bereavement (that is, her experience, training, certification and treatment approaches). 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 2 hours ago, Cookie said: I had a thought today, which just now has come to me. I have been doing all these things to get out, meet new people hoping it will make me feel better, and, although, I know that's supposed to be a good thing to do, I still feel as lost and maybe lonelier than ever. I realized that what is missing is that familiarity of being around people you know well and who know you. This new life is so different for me than what I would be doing if John were still here, and I think it's adding to the out of touch feeling I get. I'm constantly in situations where I'm meeting new people, putting myself in new, uncomfortable situations. Hoping that will change with time. A counselor I was thinking of seeing just recently said that after 7 months I could be at risk of losing function because of the way I'm feeling (all the pain, anxiety, etc.). I wish someone would get this straight. I'm either hearing it's normal to feel the way I feel or now I'm at risk of losing it. First, I want to say thank you for bringing up what you did about getting out meeting new people and how that still makes you feel lost and alone. It's something that no one has brought up before and something I have been thinking about a lot myself. After my sister passed I was just about desperate to find someone for social interactions with, but I realized I wanted a replacement that enjoyed all the things I did and what we enjoyed together and it hit me that that would never happen. We all meshed with our loved ones because of how we worked so well together, and that can't be replaced. I know even when I am with family it can feel alone and uncomfortable because I don't want to do what they want and I don't have that comfort or familiarity that I used to have. I'm always on the look out for people or groups that have a lot in common with me so hopefully that basis can work and maybe lead to something else we might have in common. that's all I can hope for now. As far as the counselor, that disheartening that she would tell someone grieving that you will lose yourself in 7 months if you don't get it together. I have never heard that before. Don't we have enough pressure on ourselves to "get well"? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 "I am still looking for something else and have signed up to take an on-line medical coding/billing course for the future, as I did medical transcription and have the background. I'm not doing the transcription now because of the association to my husband's death and having to work at home to do it." @Cookie: I was a transcriptionist for 43 years, about 15 of that in my home. We are no longer called transcriptionists, we are now called "editors" because we correct what the computer generated transcription puts out. And, what it puts out is terrible and you wind up retyping everything and getting paid half what you were once paid. I knew it was time to quit when the doctor dictated the word "parenthesis" and the computer printed out "bull flatus." I wish I had left it just like it was printed. Coding is the way to go. I don't want to go back to any of it, just for the reason you said. I don't even watch medical shows on TV. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 13 minutes ago, Marg M said: Coding is the way to go. I don't want to go back to any of it, just for the reason you said. I don't even watch medical shows on TV. I almost went into medical transcription and billing and coding. I was only going to do billing and coding because I took some med terminology courses in colleges (preparing for it) and I enjoyed them a lot, I picked up the codes fast, believe it or not. But when I talked to people online no one had anything good to say about the job outlook and people only wanted to hire experienced coders. I scared myself out of doing it, not wanting to take courses and be right back where I am now--always job searching. As far as the medical show, I started watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix and had many moments that brought triggers and I'm like "why did I start watching this show?" It's a good show, but there were a couple of patients that had my sister's same illness. That was rough. I also have moments when I hear ambulances. Ugh. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Janice, It doesn't sound like your counselor knows what she's talking about...is she a grief counselor specifically? You are still functioning and taking care of your everyday basic needs, I don't think that's going to change. Yes, what you are feeling is normal. I'm glad you get to keep your job but I wish they'd address the other employee that doesn't seem to know how to deal with children. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 @HH: My friends say it will get easier. I hope so, because some things just bounce on me and I am not prepared for them. I know the wound will never heal, but I sure hope it smooths out some where the pain is not so bad. I just changed trucks with my son. We went through the whole rigmarole at the auto license place and also at the courthouse. He is a disabled vet so he is allowed some leeway. Anyhow, everything is legal. Cleaning out Billy's truck though made me want to run and run and run and I have no idea where to run. Everywhere I go, there I am. I did not know moving all his stuff out of that truck would hurt so bad. I cannot imagine anything else right now. I just want to go to bed and wallow in my own pity for myself. I've done very good up till now. Some bad times, but this one seemed terminal and I didn't care. It was a big truck and I am going to a small truck that I can judge distances better. That Toyota truck has a hump in the middle of the hood that this 5 feet person cannot judge distance from. Just wait. I love purple. I am gonna paint that little Ford truck bright purple with red flames on the side. I'll show them old woman. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Margaret, I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish your son had cleaned it out for you. Sometimes we have legitimate reasons for wanting to clean something out or get rid of it, but oh it hurts like hell! I went through that cleaning out my husband's trailer. How I wish I'd had some help or could have waited! I never did clean out our camping trailer, after nine years I gave it to my son and DIL and THEY can clean it out. I realize I left the cribbage board that George and I had bought together in it and it still had some of his shirts in it, and...well it was just full of memories and I couldn't deal with it! I'm 5' too, and I love your spunk! (paint truck purple with red flames) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 He would have cleaned it out Kay. It is just like everything else that is Billy's, it is off limits to everyone else. I have given away a lot of his clothes to our granddaughter as she loved his big shirts. The same with my daughter. My son kinda hangs back from taking his clothes. We all have our way of grieving and sometimes each one handles it a little differently. My granddaughter wants me back down in Louisiana with her, but she has to go to school, so we are watching One Tree Hill "together" on Netflix. She watches it in Louisiana and me in Arkansas. When I was her age I was a movie freak and so is she. And, she loves the bands. I don't like her music so much, but music is still kind of a sore thing with me right now. Things will get better. I am going to take the truck over and have it detailed and buy a couple of new tires for it and some kind of wild floor mats. Might not paint it purple. Might get a cover for it and one of these days will trade it in for one of those little "clown" cars. I did have a 1955 Chevy once and also had a Mustang. Guess maybe I'll just be a wild old woman. I feel better tonight. My granddaughter (16) has a way of helping me a lot and does not mind me being older at all. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 3 hours ago, Marg M said: Guess maybe I'll just be a wild old woman I like the way you think! But I was really hoping for the purple w/flames..... Maybe you can start a club with other wild women.....call it "WOW"...for Wild Old Women.........I'd join! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 How about Wild Outrageous Women? ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 5 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: How about Wild Outrageous Women? ? I like that even better! And instead of meetings, we'd all go and do a fun & wild activity together....maybe get matching W.O.W tee shirts....appropriately very loudly colored and flamboyant! Y'all can come down here, I live close to Disney World.....we'd get a group discount! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 I love the truck idea too, but then I have to be practical where I live. If I could afford the gas, I'd always drive a truck, they're just more convenient, you can do things with them, haul stuff, 4-wheel, give the dog a ride, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 I like Wild Outrageous Women tee shirts. We need those. Personally, I am so tired of crying. The truck is a small Ford Ranger that is a wild color of blue that is almost purple. My family calls it purple anyhow. My idea of purple though is royal purple. I have purple leather gloves, long purple coat, purple "tennis" shoes, purple purses. I did find a purple car one time but Billy drew the line on my getting a purple car, it was my color purple. We'll see. I need to step out and do something for myself. Up till now I have done for family. Just so tired of hurting and crying. I will be by myself after the 15th, but we are already alone anyhow, so how can this be different? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 George & I had a purple Civic that we called Barney because it was the color of Barney (cartoon). We passed it down to my daughter (she always wanted a purple car). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 To all of us who may need a hug today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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