Hello Again! (0ops She's back!)

[debi.williams]

Dear All, I am finally back in circulation! I won't name you all  (you know who you are!) but I hope my dear friends you are all well, that you survived Christmas/New Year and are managing the cold weather.

I am so sorry I haven't been on here but everything just got on top of me I'm afraid. The combination of working full time, dealing with legalities (ongoing), problems with mom's house in the UK, Christmas, New Year and my Birthday left me with so little energy it was all I could do to keep getting up in the mornings. I know I can't afford to come to a full stop for my beloved Max's sake, but I almost did and it got me worried. I found I couldn't talk really to anyone and oddly for me I even found writing tricky. I think sometimes in grief you hit such a wall that it seems insurmountable. I have also been panicking about whether I can manage financially, what happens if I get sick and can't work, how am I going to fix this for Max that he doesn't suffer any more than he has already. It all became too much alas. 

I have decided I must rise like a phoenix rather than sink like a stone (believe me the latter was very attractive for a while), that I have to trust the universe (and a little celestial help) and just carry on regardless. Fear is not an option, but it is a very real feeling. 

Anyway my friends, I have missed you all. Thank you so much Brad, Margaret and Kevin for your messages, they mean so much. Kay, just in case you thought I had won the lottery and disappeared, alas I haven't ....yet!!! You will be the first to know as I still harbour a huge fantasy about us all meeting up!

For all those who don't know me, I do apologise. This is a bit of an 'insider' message to those that do know me. For all of you who are new here I am so so sorry for your loss. I came here because of the sudden death of my husband in August 2015 and, as my friends know, I have lost all my birth family and it is me and our 16 year old son now. The friends I refer to are the wonderful souls on this forum that, quite frankly, have kept me going through the darkest of times as I know they will you too. 

I send you all my love and thanks and above all my eternal gratitude for your loving hearts XXXXX

[Guest]

Welcome back my dear friend. You have been so missed. Happy belated birthday although my guess is it was far from happy. How is life in Brussels?  Settling down I hope. I am sorry it had been so stressful. 

Again welcome back. 

Brad

[Margm]

Debi, so good to hear from you.  I read of the unrest in Brussels and being a professional worrier, I was worried about you and Max.  Anyhow, so happy you got back with us, and "happy" is not a word we use often.

[debi.williams]

Thank you so much my friends. Yes, Brussels has dropped its 'Terror Alert' from a level 4 to a Level 3...lord knows what that means!! We still see the army on the streets from time to time. 

Thank you so much Brad for your birthday wishes. It was the hardest one I have ever faced but it's over now thank goodness. I felt like spending the day in bed to be honest but I got up and so many friends sent flowers Max and I ended up overwhelmed by the perfume which was so lovely. We were fine(ish) until I gave my husband's photo a kiss and then we both lost 'it' I never made a big deal about my birthday, coming so soon after Xmas etc so I didn't 'miss' a celebration as such but oh boy did I miss the room being ridiculously decorated with so many banners and balloons when I woke up and a cake with too many candles and too much cream. Most of all I missed his card with silly things written in it. Actually most of all I missed HIM but then you both know that. To be honest Brad I think I will have a far harder time dealing with what would have been his 50th birthday in May, I had planned so many things for it in my head.... How was your Christmas? New Year? xxx

Margaret, thank you so much for your lovely words. How are you? Max is as fine as possible. He is a remarkable boy. His daddy and I always used to say he is the best of us and he is, he truly is. Now Margaret, what about your Christmas and New Year ? xxx

[MartyT]

Welcome back, dear Debi ~ I'm sure you can see how sorely you were missed ~ but no need to apologize for taking time away. We all get overwhelmed at times, and keeping our friends up to date on a regular basis can seem daunting, like yet another obligation we don't have time or energy to fulfill. Still, we're all so glad to hear from you.  ♥

[debi.williams]

Thank you so much Marti. It is a privilege to have so many people care. I just found myself in a situation with no energy whatsoever and couldn't do much, not even reach out to my lovely friends here. I hope you are well Marti and wish you and all those you love, many blessings for 2016 xxxxx

[kevin]

I have decided I must rise like a phoenix rather than sink like a stone (believe me the latter was very attractive for a while), that I have to trust the universe (and a little celestial help) and just carry on regardless. Fear is not an option, but it is a very real feeling.  ............Welcome back Kotter........a new friend of mine, and someone who was widowed(twice), I asked her the question, how did you make it through each day?, she said" you just do".........Like you so nicely phrased this important point in your journey.....Phoenix or Sinking Stone?........Phoenix such a good choice..........have a good day/evening

[Margm]

Debi, I am in Louisiana hiding from life with family.  I know I have to face "de house" and getting it on the market.  Just not ready to face the echoes of an empty house.  This time last year we (together) were making plans to leave that house and bought a new RV in March.  It never has left the pavement at the side of the house.   Billy wanted our son to have it, and we traded trucks last week. Not sure when I will go back. Glad you are not under as much political pressure in Brussels.

[Kpl48]

So good to hear from you again. I'll be looking forward to your shares. ??❤️

[kayc]

Debi, you have no idea how much you've been missed, and it's so good to see you back!  You're a special soul with a lot to offer, and I'm glad you took the time you needed for yourself, sometimes life can just get so overwhelming.

 

[KarenK]

Debi,

Glad to see you back "safe and sound", or at least as "sound" as any of us are. I'm sorry that transportation is difficult for you. I have been driving since age 11 and would be lost without my vehicle. Will Max be driving soon? In most states in the U.S., 16 is the legal age.

Please stay warm, safe, and sane and check in when you can.

[debi.williams]

Kevin, Phoenix can be our only choice - and no I am not suggesting we all move to Arizona!! Good to hear from you my friend and your friend is so right 'we just do'

Don't blame you Margaret for hiding. 'De house' feels like a huge undertaking.  Wish I was in Louisiana I have always wanted to taste Gumbo and Jambalaya (is that correct?) I remember we whisked mum off to London (where I lived) when dad passed and she dreaded going back to 'de house' take your time my love. One good point is that you had both decided to sell so at least you are not faced with 'should I, shouldn't I' kind of choices. Still it is so very hard. Trading the trucks was a good move, but nothing is darned easy in any of this is it Margaret ? 

KayC !!! No lottery win yet but it is €89 million tonight and I bought a ticket. Figure that should be enough for us all to meet somewhere fabulous....fingers crossed! Hope the weather is okay? How are you ? Missed you! Thank you for your lovely words xxxx

KPL thanks so much, missed you all on here. 

Karen, now you asked me to stay 'sane' that's a HUGE ask!!! Max can't drive here officially until he is 18 but can begin his theory test at 17 so still some way to go yet. I am stupid for not learning and I know you guys place an importance on driving in the US and quite right too. Having lived most of my younger years in London, it just didn't make sense, because smaller, narrower streets just meant hours in a jam. Boy do I regret it now though.

Huge hugs to you all. Max is going on a 'retreat' for 2 nights - I dread it! He goes to an elite school here in Belgium which is a Catholic country and they will go on a religious retreat. He will go to a monastery (Jesuit) for 2 nights and they pray and 'do good'. It is ironic, because I was raised 'Church of England' who threw the Catholics out of England and still will not allow a Catholic to sit on the throne! He got into this school because he is bright and the second irony is that his daddy was raised in Iran! Neither of us cared about these things because we both believe in God and there are many roads to the almighty. So,  I have nothing to critique that for but oh my lord I will miss him. I also worry so much when he is not with me that I seriously need to figure out how to cope. There are icy roads here and I worry about the bus crashing on the way there (or back). It is that awful fear of the suddenness I can't shake. Those who know me know that everyone I ever loved (with the exception of my grandmother) has died suddenly. About 3 years ago a bus full of Belgian school children crashed killing 26. 

Still, I have to get a grip. He is 16 now and will be soon pulling away further from me. Not having my husband here at times like this is....well you can imagine xxxxx

[kayc]

Debi,

I think it's common when we've had a huge loss to worry about those we do have left.  Alas it's a mother's curse to worry!  Still, we'll all say a prayer for Max, Lord keep him safe on the road to/fro.

[debi.williams]

Thank you Kay so much. You are so right, it is a mother's curse and will always be with us!! I am going to have to really work on this anxiety though because it is going to be hell if he goes to university!! Big hugs xxx

[kayc]

Hugs back!  You have no idea how much anxiety/worry I had when my son went into the Air Force.  The first time he called he sounded wooden, like programmed, he didn't sound like him.  He was sleep deprived and conscious of all of the men standing behind him waiting to use the phone.  I cried and cried after I got off the phone with him.  I thought, "What have you done to my son!!"  I'm glad George was still alive then.

[Guest]

When my son went in the Navy he went at about the same time as a buddy did.  We got the "wooden" phone call and could not believe our son was our son at Basic graduation;  so stiff and formal.  Still was happy with what we heard/saw when we talked to his buddy's parents.  Their first phone call was him begging and pleading with them to get him out.  He hated it.  They cried for days.

[kayc]

My son graduated with top honors from boot camp.  I was so proud of him!  He told me some of them had to be carried out on a stretcher, literally.  He was prepared, between his dad, his football coach, and hunting party, he knew the rigors of discipline before he went in.  Some were coddled and the hardest thing they'd tackled in life was video games.  So wooden as he might have sounded, you're right, damned proud of him!

[debi.williams]

I have always found it amazing how brave our servicemen and women are and you often forget the worried hearts they leave behind. It must be absolute agony knowing your child is going to a war zone. Every day must be hellish. Let's face it, I need to get a grip here. Max is on a 2 day religious retreat!! Hardly the front line! I admit I have always been a bit of an anxious mom even when my mom and husband were alive and he went on a couple of holidays with the school when he was young. My husband was so wonderful at keeping me calm and used to say 'look we will drive to where he is and watch him if you feel that bad. There is always a solution' (can you imagine Max's horror at seeing his mom and dad peeping over the wall! But it calmed me.

Just before my husband died, we had a scare. My husband had gone home only to find the front door of the house open and no one at home, when Max should have been. I was hysterical of course but again my husband said there is an explanation and there was. I shouted so much at Max when he finally got home. Not only did he scare us, the entire house could have been robbed!

I spoke to the grief counsellor about it and she said that everyone that has passed that you loved has done so without warning so you live on high alert and always imagine this is the way it will be and she is right. Unfortunately, even in her professional opinion, there isn't really a solution. 

Kay, I simply don't know how you managed your anxiety when your son joined the Air Force. I am full of admiration with how you coped. Didn't he do well? Brilliant. You too Brad with your son in the Navy. They are so brave. I don't think our children ever full appreciate the worry of a parent until they become parents themselves. xxxxxxx

[Kpl48]

I'm not a parent, but I did feel anxiety when my husband was gone for a day. I soothed myself by saying, "He'll be back soon." It worked. 

Today I know he won't be back. He is dead. I try to stay connected with him spiritually and emotionally. But I continue to grieve that he is not here beside me. You all know how painful it is. 

[debi.williams]

Totally understand.

My husband worked nights and I used to pray for his safe return. I even used to bargain with God for it can you believe and I am now ashamed to admit. I look back now and wonder of I didn't know something....I realise now that prayer  alone cannot prolong a life that is meant to pass. 

I am grateful though that he didn't collapse and die alone on some lonely road in the back of beyond but that death snatched him in front of me, at his home where he belonged. That the last eyes he looked into were mine. xxxx

[Kpl48]

Yes, same with me. My husband passed away at home with the help of hospice. I'm so sorry your husband died suddenly. I'm grateful we had a last year in good 'health' before his lung cancer took him the last week of that year. I believe our decision to do hospice gave us this time and a gentler death at the end. It still is awful to live without him, as you know only too well. 

[Guest]

Kristine-

I'm glad you had that last year, particularly dealing with lung cancer.  We had seventeen months but very little was good as I watched my vibrant and energetic wife wither away bit by bit over those months to the point she was just an empty shell of herself.  I reached a point where I wanted to see her go rather than to watch her suffer more.  For us hospice was the very last sixteen hours.  They were wonderful and kept her calm and pain free. It was not at home but at a hospice house.  Deedo knew that last week that the next time she went to the hospital she would not be coming home.  We met with her doctor on Thursday, she went to the hospital on Friday, went to hospice on Tuesday and died Wednesday morning.  Although she was comatose we believe she held on long enough to say goodbye to our boys who drove through the night from Texas.