Margm Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 I have hit another milestone. I know what those words below mean. I am a "Mammaw" and have been for over 30 years. My grandkids were our kids. We kept one of them until we made her homeschool and she thought she could get away from that with her mother. We took her to school every day, went and picked her up each day until the 6th grade. She is Amerasian and is totally beautiful. But, she feels different and we settled her in this vanilla town with all these vanilla "mean girls" and she was the most beautiful, exotic thing in the whole school. She was adopted, but we found out that is just a word. The heart belongs where it belongs. Our heart was hers and her heart was ours. But, in some places, you find that there are people with deep prejudices and they are taught to their children. The little boys thought she was special and the little girls might throw rocks at her. So, she was home schooled. She has a lot of social anxiety and does not know how beautiful she really is. She will need therapy from being in this vanilla school. I have always been a Mammaw and anything they wanted, within reason, they got. But, Billy was the Papaw, he was our little girl's "Dade" and was the only one she ever knew. Now I have a great granddaughter here. Somehow, I am a hollow person. I am not me without Billy. I go through robotic motions because the little granddaughter's mother is ill from the long trip, but I am just not me without Billy. I have lost myself somewhere along the way. Wish me luck folks. I am just not feeling like anything but a hollow person. I know it is just a little over three months, but Billy would have known what to do. I don't have what I used to have. My personality does not have what it used to have. My heart does not have what it used to have. My friends want me to get out with them. I am not ready. I still want to hide. I am not ready to give up. I really don't like this hollow woman. Now, the other granddaughter, I am me with her. She was Billy's favorite person in the world, he loved her so much. We both did/do. With her, I can be myself. Maybe it is because he loved her so much. I don't know. I am not sure of this word, but I think I am a conundrum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Your grandchildren are lucky to have you and were lucky to have had Billy. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 Oh Marg, "You" are still in there. You are not hollow, even though that is how we feel a lot of the time The real "you" is temporarily overwhelmed with the pain and confusion of it all. "You" will emerge one day, maybe not exactly the same, but the basics remain. Even being in the third year, I still tell my son "I don't feel like me anymore". I am hoping to become a new and better "me". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 I was told we will never be the same again, life as we know it will never be the same, people we know will not be the same, important things may not seem important, and upside down is the expected norm.......Most of this is True , It is the present we must concentrate our living on, the past memories we refer to the good times, our future is full of the unexpected, but I am praying for plenty of Sunshine for all of us... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 Sometimes the present is forced upon us by other people. And, I gripe, when I should be thankful for the distractions, but somehow these distractions infringe upon my time, and still, I guess I should be thankful because I see so many people that have no one. So, if I was just alone I would be crying about being alone. Instead, I get someone coming in saying "Actually, I am hungry, I want waffles." Is there a happy medium? I think all of our ups and downs and mediums are just none of them happy right now, and that is what the norm is. Smack, splat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 Marg, I know I gripe all the time. I like what you said about distractions infringing upon your time. Of course I can find things to be thankful for, and I know we must do that from time to time, but sometimes I feel like one thing doesn't have anything to do with the other. I always think back to a girl mentioning her "Unfixable problem" about her sisters death. You can't get any more truth than that. Our problems can't be fixed or changed with positive thinking. Yes, I know we must dig out of the mire and muck eventually, but I am not looking for things to be thankful for right now. That's a bitter thing to say but that's how I feel. I read Joel Osteen's book and he had this part where he said about looking at things differently, and he said "instead of saying 'Man, I gotta go to work' you say 'I get to go to work' Now, someone who hates their job won't feel that will work, but in the end it's just a job and overall you can find another one. If I had a clone of my sister I'd be all good. I've read several things about looking at death differently and I just can't change my thinking about it. My person is not in my life and I need her and that is all I know right now. Getting through each day is an accomplishment. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2016 Heading back to Louisiana. Gonna give my house to family for awhile. All utilities paid and I hope they can all fix what is wrong with them. Either that or leave the problem behind. Some mental illness involved. Don't know if it can be fixed. I do know I cannot be around the fussing, so I will go back in hiding for a peaceful time. I act like I am going to live forever. Well, I will, my forever. I don't mind helping. I hope it does help. Just know some things I cannot be around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 5, 2016 Report Share Posted February 5, 2016 Well you have to do what you need for YOU. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted February 5, 2016 Report Share Posted February 5, 2016 Before I met Mark, I guess I would be considered a very self-sustaining person. I moved to Houston alone. Found myself a job, eventually an apartment (roomed with someone for the beginning), and basically had a solitary life here with no real family around. I was always looking for someone to love; had some bad experiences, lonely experiences. I met Mark online one Sunday afternoon in 2006...4 years after I had moved to Houston. I always looked at is as kismet. The person I was before is still in there; the strong, independent woman who took off on her own to make a new life. But, when I joined my life with Mark's, the dynamics changed IMMENSELY. Before I really didn't know what I was missing being all alone, because it was all I knew. Mark was the FIRST and ONLY great love of my life, and now I don't really know how to move on without that. He helped erase so many hurts, and allowed me to release all the love I was SO READY to give to someone. I have fallen in love with Adele's new CD, 25. On it there is a song called "Remedy". Mark was MY remedy, and I was HIS. The void in my life is SO HUGE. I have my three fur babes as companions, and they get LOTS of love. But I have lost my rock, protector, sounding board, companion, best friend...the true light of my life. I haven't even begun to try and think about how to go forward. Right now, I function; have some fun times when I can. But I simply exist. I have grown to resent when people tell me what Mark would want for me. They didn't know him the way I did. Of course, he would want me to have a good life. He always felt he wasn't good enough for me; I did my best to correct that feeling for him. I thought I did a good job of letting him know how much I loved him and how important he was to my life. But I am not realizing until he is gone, just how he changed my life and how I looked at each day because of him. Now it is like starting all over...I HATE starting over. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 6, 2016 Report Share Posted February 6, 2016 Maryann, I really know what you are saying. I was always a strong independent woman, but oh how quickly I adapted to George in my life! And it's never the same again once you've had them. Yes I can be self-reliant, but there's always a part of me that remembers...and misses... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 6, 2016 Report Share Posted February 6, 2016 11 hours ago, Froggie4635 said: But I am not realizing until he is gone, just how he changed my life and how I looked at each day because of him. Now it is like starting all over...I HATE starting over. That's what it comes down to, doesnt it? Really sucks. I didn't want to start over either. I don't even know what I am starting over into! It's all still the void, filling in the best I can. And damn, it's a huge void! Back breaking mental work. My view of the world is definitely altered. So much so that even watching people on fictitious TV seem to have a more fulfilling life. Miss that....is sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted February 6, 2016 Report Share Posted February 6, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 6, 2016 Report Share Posted February 6, 2016 Kev, so true!I missed you here...and hope you´re doing better. Hugs from Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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