I´m tired of being giving and not getting back.

[Guest Janka]

Today I once more realized how tired I am of giving so much and getting so little.Every time I feel like this,I try to remember all of those people who have given back as much as they could and I speak to myself to go on trying,because it´s worthy of every other one person I´ve met in my life.So I keep trying again and again,regardless of disappointment,regret and other sad thoughts running in my head.I know it all is worthy of carry on,although I´m so tired...sucked out...fully exhausted now.

Janka

[Gwenivere]

Oh Janka, I can only imagine what you have given others just seeing what you have done for so many here.  Rest up.  The world will still be waiting for and needing you.  Our shining star!  ?

[scba]

Janka, I can understand the feeling, but remember the poem that Karen posted on the thread about dissapointing friends. You will keep giving the best of you because it is your nature and you cannot understand the world being so different. your kindness is a gift. If I may give you an advise, look for a volunteering opportunity, two hours a week. It helps a lot to heal when the world seems a place full of dark clouds. 

[kayc]

Janka,

I pray you find a friend worthy of you (me too!).   And scba's advice about volunteering is good, I enjoy myself most when I help out at the senior site.  Those people are a hoot and it's my most enjoyable time of the week!

[Guest Janka]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Oh Janka, I can only imagine what you have given others just seeing what you have done for so many here.  Rest up.  The world will still be waiting for and needing you.  Our shining star!  ?

My dear Gwen,my sweet friend,

you´re always here for me to write me something nice that makes me smile and raise up again!I feel as a "beating dog" now and there is no one I could be open up to so much as here with all of you.I never thought I can feel like this after all those 4 years long I´ve been going through.I feel,the more I´m kind and open to others,the more I miss any understanding,as well as Karen said about friendship here:"If you are kind,honest and frank,people may accuse you of ulterior motives;be kind anyway".I try,Gwen!I try so much,that´s why I´m so disappointed about them."The good you do today,people will often forget tomorrow",that´s also so true and it hurts all the more,they are such close friends I´ve done so much for."You see,in the final analysis,it is between you and God;it was never between you and them anyway",and this last sentence is the one that brings me any comfort I finally find to do feel better again.I can´t agree with everyone here,it´s not possible at all,of course,but this is so true that I can´t disagree at all and you´re one of those who always understood me by all means.I have the tears in my eyes finding a few true friends here,so precious to me and always touching my heart.

         Thank you !!!

      With love Janka

[Guest Janka]

My dearest friends,

thanks for all of your nice,kind and thoughtful messages! My beloved Jan must be very proud that I´ve got some of you into my life to make it more bearable for me anyway! I want to thank you all who always reply to my post and care for me this way! As I said before,it´s not about quantity,the quality does matter by all means!

     Thank you !!!

 With love Janka

[marsha]

Janka - remember - "No" is a complete sentence, and one you may want to choose. If there's any time for you to look after yourself, first and foremost, it's now. No, it's not being selfish. Yes, it's self-preservation. Be gentle on YOURSELF. Hugs, Marsha

[Margm]

At my age I hate to say this, but right now I cannot even be the kind of Mama, grandmother, or great grandmother that I used to be and I know they need me.  I am here for them, but I cannot handle stress of fussing or being fussed at.  I have talked this over with two of my widow friends,  my daughter, my son, my sister and they all agree I need to protect myself right now.  I have not hit the 4 month mark, but it is just like I have my skin stripped off and there are just raw nerves exposed.   I have lost my "mighty protector".  The other night when I was at my worse, people were fussing and I took 2 Xanax to sleep, I heard Billy's voice saying "It's enough."   I woke myself up saying "okay."  So right now I am going to protect myself from turmoil or stress.  Grief is not a mental illness.  I have had chronic depression as far back as I can remember, and right now I do have to protect my sanity.  We are all different.  Some have suggested a dog or cat.  Understand, my life for 54 years has been heavy responsibilty of small, teen, middle aged and grandchildren.  I am so lucky I have family and friends that understand I need "me" time.  I am not being mean, but sometimes I feel I am one door away from the looney farm.  I think everyone close to me understands me and I am so lucky they let me be.  I know how lucky I am but right now I am having trouble just handling myself.  No kidding.  I will get better.

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, it's good to know that you have the understanding and support of certain family and friends. I hope you can be as patient, kind and compassionate to yourself as they are! You must put yourself at the top of your priority list right now and give yourself that "me" time. You alone know how much stress and fussing and turmoil you can handle and how much is enough, and you've every right to protect yourself. After all, if you don't, who will?  And you're right: you are not crazy. You are in mourning, and you are wise enough and strong enough to be taking good and appropriate care of yourself. Let it be enough.

And Janka, dear one, I say the same to you!  ♥

[kayc]

Margaret, continue to listen to that voice inside of you and heed what you hear.  You are the only one who will stand up for you, who will do what YOU need.  

[MartyT]

[Froggie4635]

Thanks, Marty.  I keep that quote/picture on my desk at work.  Pinterest has become my new thing. 

[hollowheart]

Janka, I'm so sorry. I still feel the way you do too, but unfortunately there is nothing I (nor you) can do about it. It does make me angry, jealous, bitter, sad, disappointed, alone. I hate this life I have now. I hate it with a passion. I am stuck in this hell until the end. 

There are moments I do feel like I'm depending on my friends for some happiness and I see now that is not going to happen. I have reached out to the few I have and they say their nice things at that time, but they don't reach out on their own. Most are busy with their own lives and happiness and don't have time nor care about me. I am like you, I'm just tired, tired, tired. I'm tired of running up behind people asking for friendship. I just don't have the energy.  This is the first time in a long time that I have thought about I'd rather just be dead. I'm just tired of everything.

[kayc]

Oh HH, I think we've all felt that way...hopefully not continuously, but I think in the early months perhaps even that.  It takes so much effort and sometimes we're just so tired! 

[Guest Janka]

On ‎6‎.‎2‎.‎2016 at 0:22 AM, marsha said:

Janka - remember - "No" is a complete sentence, and one you may want to choose. If there's any time for you to look after yourself, first and foremost, it's now. No, it's not being selfish. Yes, it's self-preservation. Be gentle on YOURSELF. Hugs, Marsha

Dear Marsha,

thanks for your answer! It´s very thoughtful of you.

Janka

 

[Guest Janka]

I´m blessed with all of you in my life !

Thank you all !!!

Janka

 

[hollowheart]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh HH, I think we've all felt that way...hopefully not continuously, but I think in the early months perhaps even that.  It takes so much effort and sometimes we're just so tired! 

It's not continuously, so that's good to say. But today is just awful. And as we've talked about, it's compounded by this grief. With a horrible day like today I'd be texting my sis to vent and eyeroll over the stupidity. But I can't. I hate and resent that my life has to change before I wanted it too and I don't have the one person here I need to get through it. It's changing because of her. 

I am still in shock and disbelief that she is gone.

Janka, I hope you are feeling better. Please vent about this as much as you want because I still feel the same way myself and am always up for talking about it. We want to get past it but it still hurts and annoys us. It's just hard.

[enna]

"Our grief is a suitcase that rests at the foot of your bed every night. Every morning when you wake up, you must pick up your suitcase and carry it with you. Some days, this suitcase will be very light, full of warm beautiful memories and easy to carry. Those are our good days. There are other days when the suitcase is so heavy that it must be dragged with you as you struggle to make it through. Then there are those days when you may not be able to lift the suitcase at all because it is so heavy with the loss, sadness, pain, and regret. On those days, we need help to carry that suitcase, so ask for help. But every day, that suitcase is with you, it never leaves, just as grief doesn't leave you. It changes from day to day, but never goes away. It becomes a part of you, that you take with you every single day. But remember the good times, and on those days, it is just easier to carry."
~ Stacey Farmer-Harvey

[Guest Janka]

Dear Anne (Enna),

this is very beautiful and so true!Every word is written in my mind.I even saved the picture to remember.

Thank you so much!You´re very thoughtful.

PS:There is also something that seems to me so heavy sometimes too,not only the suitcase you remembered,I must be wearing all the time.It were just the bags I had to bring on my way to home lately,so heavy that my back hurts much more than before.This pang is embittering my life since I experienced a bullying at the workplace and now I still struggle with my medical issues I haven´t had since February of the last year.Well,sometimes I must be wearing two heavy suitcases.My suitcase full of the hardest loss,pain,grief,loneliness and emptiness it´s not enough now.

With love Janka

 

[Gwenivere]

Awesome quote, Enna.  Thanks!

[hollowheart]

That picture of that rabbit put me in tears. *bawl* that is me. I can't even look at it again.