Gwenivere Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 1 hour ago, Cookie said: kind of like the thing of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Boy, that hit me wrong. Maybe that is what you're supposed to do, but exactly how is what I want to know. I find just getting through days and doing things is a major accomplishment, but doing it happily? I wish I could.......Cookie Ugh. Another platitude? And one I like the least. Maybe something is wrong with me, but I can't see a way to make a life altering experience something that will improve my more than being empathic now to others in pain I never understood. I think it's a foregone conclusion that doing things 'happily' is not a realistic goal. The most I can hope for is somewhat enjoying life again. To be freed from constant pain. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Please trust me, in the beginning I didn't see how I could live one day without my George. You gradually adjust. The intense pain lessens until you get used to it. You are left with a sadness or a hole inside you that you carry on a daily basis, but at least it's not the excruciating pain that makes you howl. Along with the sadness, I also carry inside me the comfort of knowing our love will never die and the man that so changed my life, changed me for good. My life IS different because of him, and even though I'm living out my life alone, my life is better for having had him in it, does that make sense? It took me more time and effort than I can convey to adjust, a year or two was not enough to do the job. And I can't say exactly when, maybe three years to process it, I'm sure everyone is different. I worked hard at it, writing, using art to depict how I felt, talking, memorializing, getting it out. I think the worst two mistakes one can make is bottling it up, or trying to avoid/escape it through busyness, other relationships, or substance abuse. At the end of the day it's still there waiting for you to deal with and all that does is slow down the healing process. It's just so damn hard when you're living it! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 I feel the same as all of you, I don't know how I'm going to adjust living without my wonderful Dale. He made my life much better, he gave me courage to try new things, to believe in myself that I could do anything, now that's all gone and I'm feeling like I'm going back to my shy, unconfident person I was before I met him. He loved life so much and made the most uninteresting tasks or days a joy. I have no joy in my days right now and am afraid to do things, knowing he's not here waiting for me or worrying about me or here to rescue me if I get into trouble. I miss him so much. All I can hope for is that I will be able to adjust to my new life with less pain as time goes on. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Girls. I have beat to death my cancer treatment and eventual colon rupture with whole body sepsis. They did a patch up job on me that is holding very precariously. I won't go into the "plumbing" problems. They can do nothing more for me. Of course, the low grade fever, headaches, and stomach problems aggravate the crap out of me. No pun intended. My diet, the only one I can eat, is unhealthy. I suffer terribly if I get off of it. So, I don't get off of it. I know my mode of exercise cannot take me far from my bathroom. The mood I get is "why bother." Following Billy sometimes seems my only option. Time might be short, but sometimes quotes rain down on me. I get platitudes from well meaning people. That is when our memory partial loss comes in handy. I don't know how long I have, but the partial quote of "miles to go before I sleep" is the only one my grief mangled brain remembers. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 It seems to me that we could all use a group hug for all that is going on. This is how we do it in sunny Arizona. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Oh Marg, I'm so sorry you are going through your health problems at this time. It's so hard going it "alone" without your love in your life. I'm not going to give you any platitudes cause they only seem to make things feel worse, just want to send you hugs. Thank you enna for the group hug, I think we all needed that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Love thc cactus! Just have to be very careful how tight those hugs are. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Oh, I can gripe (so can my belly), TMI, but it is something I am used to. None of us like to go it alone. Does not matter if we are in a house full of relatives or a stadium of people, we are all alone at this time. I look forward to better times, but some things will never change. We just have to do the best we can with what we don't have anymore. I think Kevin told us to take care of ourselves. And we have to, even though giving up would be easier.........for us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 You are so right Marg, no matter where we are or who we are with we are alone through this, but this forum does make it a little easier. At least we can come here to gripe, cry, vent and everyone understands. We do have to try to take care of ourselves, no one else will, but sometimes that is difficult. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 12 hours ago, kayc said: In the beginning I didn't see how I could live one day without my George. You gradually adjust. The intense pain lessens until you get used to it. You are left with a sadness or a hole inside you that you carry on a daily basis, but at least it's not the excruciating pain that makes you howl. Along with the sadness, I also carry inside me the comfort of knowing our love will never die and the man that so changed my life, changed me for good. My life IS different because of him, and even though I'm living out my life alone, my life is better for having had him in it, does that make sense? It took me more time and effort than I can convey to adjust, a year or two was not enough to do the job. And I can't say exactly when, maybe three years to process it, I'm sure everyone is different. I worked hard at it, writing, using art to depict how I felt, talking, memorializing, getting it out. I think the worst two mistakes one can make is bottling it up, or trying to avoid/escape it through busyness, other relationships, or substance abuse. At the end of the day it's still there waiting for you to deal with and all that does is slow down the healing process. Kay, I must disagree,because my work I had those 4 years long was helping me the most...to do not think of my misery all the time...to do not lose the common sense...to do not break down at the end of the day...to stand up each time and carry on...I wrote about it here formerly.It wasn´t trying to avoid or escape but quite the contrary.I had to drink out the glass of my pain to the bottom but it was necessary to survive...Well,it´s not the same.I left work and feel like I´m getting closer to those hardest times I had experienced at the beginning.So,it brings me to the conclusion,what is mistaken one for someone,must be the right one for another.Everyone is different.As for other things,I must agree. Hugs from Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 I was working fulltime when George died, and I had to get by during my time at work, but any other time was hell. But after years, it sank in little by little. What you're going through now sounds like adjustment due to getting used to being home alone, and that is a whole other thing. I went through that when I retired, although I don't equate it to my early years, but then I'd had 8 years to get used to George's death before retiring. While it's not trying to escape (by going to work each day), it does serve that purpose all the same, it kind of holds us together. But there was no escape when I came home from work, and on weekends. Once you're at home 24/7, there's no escape either. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Brat, I do not know where I would be without this forum. Each day brings a new pain, fear, panic and numbness. And we get our help knowing we are not alone with these feelings. So, actually we are not alone, even as far away as other continents, there are others who suffer too. Other states, other climates, we all feel the same pain. All this has been going on forever. My aunt who had no children, loved her nephews and nieces as her own. So much love, then lost her husband of between 55-60 years. She is gone now too. Where was my empathy? My grandmother writing her life story saying she missed my grandfather at 18 years just as much as the first day did not offer me any encouragement. We do get help from the different people on here of what to expect. Some days I drown myself in self pity, but we share on this forum. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 3 hours ago, kayc said: But there was no escape when I came home from work, and on weekends. Once you're at home 24/7, there's no escape either. I feel that all the time. Even when I am out now, I am experiencing it and that has thrown me for a loop. My first reaction is I want to go home and then I realize there is no place to go the pain will not follow me. It wasn't always like this, but I have gotten into a stage that has me a prisoner no matter what I do. It's truly the worst I have ever felt in this journey. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Margaret, yes, but even hearing Janka's response to me, you can realize everyone's experience may differ. I think most of us find some commonality in our experience, but how we handle things or what we feel comfortable with varies. Gwen, I'm sorry that's how you're feeling, I get that. You're going through so much right now, that makes it all the tougher. I hope you get some answers medically, soon. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Thank you, Kay. I don't know if the word is appropriate here, but I am so happy we have you as our cheerleader with so much compassion. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 I wish I had work to go to, I was already working from home when Dale was diagnosed, which I'm grateful for, that way I could spend all the time I needed to care for him (otherwise I would have probably lost my job). With that being said, working from home put us together 24/7, which I loved and was wonderful for 7 years, but now it's so empty here, but I don't want to go anywhere else, if that makes any sense. Unfortunately the work I was doing has stopped and now I'm trying to find things to do. But since I didn't have to go to work, I think I have been able to face this "grief" head on and not push it back. It's not an easier to face it earlier and I'm not ready to accept he is never coming back, I don't know how long that will take, but I can express my feelings when I want to and don't have to worry about being brave in front of people. It don't know which is better. Again I'm glad I found this site and to get input from all of you and I hope that with time I will be able to give you all encouragement with our journey. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Brat, I was working in my home, probably 8 or more years. I already had retirement from one hospital, so I quit this local hospital. I did not want to work from home, I liked going into the hospital, so they let me retire from this hospital too, and I went to work for a friend that owned her own transcription service out of Albuquerque. I found I was paying so much in taxes that after five years I just quit. Transcription had turned into being editors. I was blessed with a job I loved, but it was no longer any fun and I do not miss it. I don't know how I could handle it like all of you who put up with the grief and have to make it each day in a job. There are two sides to each coin though. Some will find the distraction of a job a blessing. Some will find it a millstone hanging from your neck. I worked with a bunch of loving women over the 43 years and I am still friends with many of them. Some have already made this journey and I am blessed with empathy and no catty, mean people. But I realize there are some jobs that are bad with bad people. My heart goes out to each of you who have the grief with a terrible job. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Marg, I'm like you now. I use to enjoy going to my job every day and working with the people I did and having that interaction. I was lucky that my last job didn't have any of that petty office politics, however, now that I've been working from home for so long, I'm glad I don't have to actually go to a job, I don't think I could handle having to actually go to work outside of the home. I really don't think I could handle having to deal with people right now and having to deal with grief too. It's lonely, but I wouldn't be able to handle what people say or putting up with office politics. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Brat, when you are only given 2-3 days to grieve, I cannot see how people on our forum make it. I admire their courage. And, as an addendum, I still am not ready to face him not coming back. I yell at him when I can find time alone, and I know it was not his choice. I told one of my widow friends (only 10 months longer than me) that I turn to him when I sleep in our bed and I tell myself (and him) that I know he is gone and is not coming back. She fussed at me and told me never to do that again. Turn to his side and say you are always with me, and I carry you in my heart forever. I did find more peace doing this. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 I like that thought of telling him and me he will be with me forever and not telling us he is gone. I will start doing this, thank you so much. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 Kayc: I choose to trust you. I think I have realized this is not going to be a quick fix but a long process. I moan and groan a lot, and I know it's not going to do any good. I really want to believe life will get better. Why live it if not? My husband was also wonderful and such a gift to me and I wouldn't change a minute of time I spent with him. Here's to hoping the pain actually does lessen. I will keep doing things and maybe someday, I too will be able to assure others that the hurting will get less agonizing. Warmly, Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 Brat, I have not been in our bed in weeks. I am still at my daughter's house. It makes it hard to go back, but I will. Don't laugh, Billy had a lot of pants. He would only wear one pair and they just finally fell apart. Well, he had an identical pair of pants that he then wore ragged. I sleep with those pants rolled up with his pillow. I guess that is pitiful, but my friend Hettie sleeps with her husband's Sunday shirt. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 I still have my wife's wig on a wig stand on the dresser. She would wear it to go to the doctors and dialysis. I still smell her scent on the wig. To some people I guess that would be weird but some how it helps me. I sit in her La-Z-Boy chair since every day since she passed every though I have my own La-Z-Boy chair. It somehow gives me comfort. I can't explain it. We are all trying to cope in way that bring us comfort and peace. Shalom 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 It's interesting what we choose or find that gives us some sense if solace. Mine is Steve's van and all the good memories of his packing for gigs. I washed it, cleaned out his trash, keep the oil changed and run it weekly for the battery. I don't drive it much, but seeing it out the window makes this house seem a little less deserted from the outside. I also gave not changed any of his things in his bathroom, just keep it clean. Now if I could only make his side if the bed again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 Marg, George and Gwen. I totally get all of it. I haven't moved anything of Dale's in any of the rooms in the house. The only thing I have gotten rid of so far is all the medicine he had, but other than that I've not given anything away. Having the house in the exact same order as it was when he was alive is very comforting to me. Oh I did move his pillows, he had been sleeping on the couch, the bed wasn't comfortable to him and he didn't want to keep me awake, so now his pillows are back in the bed with me. I see that for some it is easier not to be in your home, but for me that is what gives me comfort and security. Marg, I know it will be difficult to go back home after not being there for so long and I wish you luck and peace when you do go back. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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