The Guilt Sets In

[MyMB]

It's been 7 months now. The beautiful woman i adore. She"s so selfless always thinking about others especially about her kids. We were never able to hold on to much money. The extra we had always went to our kids in one way or another. We have 3 kids all in their late twenties all trying to get by. It would go for help with car repairs, help with bills when they got in trouble, help with school, always help for something. And that was okay with us especially Mary Beth. Her kids were the utmost important thing in her life. So we never had a car that was newer than 10 years old. We didn't have a lot of material things as much as I tried to get her to get some nice things for herself we needed to save in case of an emergency. Vacations were camping she never flew in an airplane she would try not to go to the doctor even with my begging. Save money. Money money money. We were still happy and love each other very much.

Now that she's gone I get the insurance money. Quite a bit. I know she wants me to have it and wants me to use it to help our kids even though their all doing better now. I feel so guilty. When the bills came we would have to decide whom to throw a bone to. Not any more, I get to live without the money concerns we had together. I won't have a problem. I can't get over the guilt I feel that she had to die so I could live comfortably. It"s not fair I feel like giving it all away. I feel like I don't deserve this. Even though I know this is what she wanted it's hard to deal with this guilt and the loss of the woman I adore. The loneliness is bad enough. I can't think of her without crying. 35 years. So I don't cry, I try not to think about her and I feel guilty about that. I have to think about her and all that she went though. All the pain and suffering. The doctors and uncaring staff. The mistakes they made that made her life worse her pain worse. I've gone though a box of kleenex just writing this. 

Thanks for letting me be somewhere that I can.

[hollowheart]

I'm so sorry for your loss and am glad you could come here to open up. I have a similar feeling in that my sisters insurance was more than we expected and it's affording me get the car that WE wanted SO, SO, SO bad. So I have the same guilt. I was on my way to getting a car anyway, I was just taking a long time because I was trying to figure out the cheapest way I could do it and try to make sure I could make the payments and other expenses. Now, I can buy a new car and basically pay for it all in one swoop. Not to mention pay off ALL my bills.

I don't feel good about it all. I only paid off one bill. I hate the way we got the money. I'd take being poor again any day. We were struggling, but it was a way of life anyway. the money makes me sick because of  how we got it. Other family thought we were getting way less than what we got and they were around with their hands out, so my mom and I are glad they have no idea how much we really got. Of course others are always happy to reap free money, but it's not joyful to me to hand out this money because of what it represents. I feel the guilt too.

[Margm]

Well, I think it only fair that I get to be one of the first to answer this.  After Billy's diagnosis he went so fast I could do nothing.  I told him each night I could not live without him. He would only say "I know."  He knew he could not talk about it with me.  I was going for a miracle.  Only he knew it was not. going to happen and when he wouldn't/couldn't eat or drink, I took him to the cancer center for IV saline.  When he held his beautiful hands out in submission I was angry and ignored him.  We had months for my miracle.  He left me the next few minutes with my head asleep on his bed.  I was not there for him.  

Now, I understand 100% not having money and supporting our family.  I understand too that cremation, memorials, funerals, obituaries in newspapers cost lots of money.  Now I have a sister and mom that have gone through savings and after April will have. no money.  Mom is fixing to be 95 and my heavily educated sister, will have no money.  No means of support at all. In fact, Billy. and I were the only ones in this whole big family that flew with safety nets.  He and I were the only safety nets anyone in this family had/have.  We even paid for insect  control for one "dependant" and her partner.  So, the insurance money has to stay.  Billy. did apologize to our son for being an enabler. all his life.

Money is important, but sometimes you just really do not have enough to take care of everyone.  Our pain is so real and all of our family hurts also.  We all have to do without our mates, the co-enabler we lost.  My heart is frozen right now and I have to take care of all the emergencies.  I have all the responsibilities we shared at a time I am most vulnerable.  I cannot fight, my answer right now is flight and become invisible.  I have not perfected the disappearing yet.  Good luck my fellow griever. You have come to a good place, wonderful caring people.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I invite you to read these important articles whose focus is on money matters. It is not at all unusual for life insurance beneficiaries to feel guilty for getting that money, as if somehow they are dancing on their loved ones' graves as they celebrate their own good fortune. Of course you'd give all that money back in a heartbeat if only you could have your loved ones back. But that is not to be. As Marg says, money IS important, and you are wise to remember that regardless of the circumstances resulting in your obtaining those insurance benefits, you are not a bank, and you're under no obligation to let anyone else treat you like one.

Please, please take time to read these important articles:

Surviving Spousal Loss: Financial Concerns in Widowhood, Part 1

Surviving Spousal Loss: Financial Concerns in Widowhood, Part 2