Avoidance

[Froggie4635]

I decided to once again take the Write Your Grief 30-Day creative writing course.  It uses the same prompts each time you take it, but depending on how long it has been, you are in a different place in your journey, and the prompts mean something different.  I also started going to a loss of spouse group.  Just went to my second session.  It is still so out of my comfort zone.  I don't seem to get emotional listening to the stories; I just nod because I understand where the stories are coming from.  Ever since I had the episode of my former supervisor telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself, I don't allow myself to outwardly show emotion any more in front of people.  It is like I found a much BIGGER mask to wear.  I also realize that I give myself NO quiet time.  There is always something playing in the background to distract my thoughts.  And there are lots of dark thoughts...lots of questions that I don't want to think about...things that bring "doubt" to my little corner of the world.  I always thought that putting music on while I busied myself around the house was  good thing...it was a distraction.  A way to keep me focused on the task and not the reason why I was actually doing the task.  To have something to do.  By having something to do, I could avoid the fact that my husband was dead and I will be without him now for as long as I walk this Earth.  Playing mindless games of solitaire was in fact doing the same thing.  Isn't that the most important part of the grief work; to actually deal with the grief and its aftermath?  Have I been fooling myself that I have been grieving, when it may actually be just dabbling in grief?  Having deep thoughts right now is a scary thing.  It is not the being alone part that bothers me.  I have been alone most of my life.  But then my wish was granted and I found someone to love, and who loved me back equally.  And I got to know what it was like to not FEEL alone.  Being a solitary person is okay.  I was never one to have a large group of friends.  But it is hard to accept that I will never have what Mark gave me any more.  I am not lonely...I am lonely for HIM.  I am lonely for the safe place he created for me.  A place where I never had to worry about being accepted, or cheated or hurt.  It took me SO LONG to allow myself to feel the true love from another person.  I was just getting used to it, and now it is gone.  It is all a bit too real for me.  So I avoid it...fill my world with empty sound and busy work.  I guess this is what they talk about when they discuss secondary losses.

[scba]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

  But it is hard to accept that I will never have what Mark gave me any more.  I am not lonely...I am lonely for HIM.  I am lonely for the safe place he created for me.  A place where I never had to worry about being accepted, or cheated or hurt.  It took me SO LONG to allow myself to feel the true love from another person.  I was just getting used to it, and now it is gone.  It is all a bit too real for me.  So I avoid it...fill my world with empty sound and busy work.  I guess this is what they talk about when they discuss secondary losses.

dear Marianne, I feel the same, almost each word. I cannot add anything.

[scba]

i was learning too, getting used to love and be loved. It was such a beautiful feeling. It was the same for him. I still cannot believe it, I feel it will,never be ok and accept this. It is what it is, but I don't accept it. It is not fine, fair, or there is a reason.

[enna]

Dear Maryann, scba and others who may be feeling this way,

I am glad you are taking another writing class in grief. And you are so right when you say it depends on how long it is since the last class. I have found journaling to be a real healer for me. There are two classes that I found particularly helpful to me. One was Megan Devine’s Writing Your Grief: a 30- Day creative writing e-course and the other was Marty’s Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. 

You are doing what we need to do by reaching out and attending a spousal grief support group. Some find it helpful and others don’t. I hope you have had the opportunity to work with a good grief counselor. It does not surprise me that people we meet are insensitive to grief. That seems to be what our culture accepts. We have long lost the communal part of grieving that our ancestors had. There is a book that I have read that was very helpful to me. It is a book written by Francis Weller titled The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief.

What you are going through seems to be normal for those of us who are grieving ~ needing to keep busy, having music or the TV on constantly, and finding anything to distract us from allowing our thoughts to be okay.

Do you have a hospice group where you live? Mine offered grief counseling available to me for a year after my Jim died. She helped me with thoughts similar to yours. It is important to know that what you are thinking is normal. You are doing your grief work. What your supervisor said to you was hurtful and probably not meant to hurt you. People just have no clue. I am still lonely for my Jim and will be until we meet again.  There are secondary losses in every loss. We run into them daily. Gradually we learn how to accept them as part of our healing. You are doing what you need to do and it is important for you to know that where you are now is enough. You are doing your grief work, Maryann.

Anne 

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Anne...

The writing course I am taking is the one offered by Megan. It is my second round. Thank for sharing your insight and giving reassurance. It is good to have so many wonderful friends here.

[Cookie]

I can relate to all that was said here....the distractions, TV on, music on, etc.  It's just 9 months since John died and I've started having the free-floating, don't know where I belong, panicky thing happen again.  I was having that a lot a couple of months ago and then it seemed to ease up some even though I still felt sad, depressed, etc.  I just can't get a handle on what this is.  It makes me feel like I'm losing control and don't have a future, don't fit anywhere--scary.  I do all the affirmation things, exercise, on and on.  It is such a debilitating feeling.  I would prefer to just be deadly sad.  I push through it and keep doing, but it gets so exhausting.  Has anyone else had this happen?  I started seeing another counselor, who seems like he might actually know about grief, so I'm counting on that.  Wishing you all well....Cookie

[brat#2]

Cookie - I know what you are feeling.  It's just 8 months since Dale died and me too, a couple of months ago, I was feeling pretty ok, but this past week that has all gone out the window.  Yes, it is exhausting, one day pretty much ok and then the next day in tears all day long.  I was always pretty much in control of my life and now it's just up in the air.  Wishing you well too.

Joyce

[enna]

I think we can all relate to this. I found it on FB but don't know who the picture belongs to. 

Grieving does not follow a straight line from point A to point B.

 

 

[KATPILOT]

Thanks for the link Anne. I am going to take the course as well. I became a participant in one of the Grief Diaries books (Loss of a Spouse) by Lynda Cheldelin Fell.  I wish I had done this before I did it because even with proof reading, I saw several things after I had a copy that I had screwed up. Even though they might not stand out to the reader, I know the errors are there.

By the way, Marty's book is extremely helpful during that first year and I have given several copies to friends who have sadly joined this club yet didn't have HOV involvement.

Marty if you read this I would love it you could share a bit about Gregory Fabricant. It seems he died at 34 and must have been well on his way in grief counseling. It's interesting how those that help others are often themselves victims of loss.

[MartyT]

I'm sure you've read the tribute to Greg that appears at the beginning of my book, Stephen. Because they believed so strongly in the project, Greg's family was kind enough to donate to Hospice of the Valley the cost of printing the second edition of the book, and in turn, we dedicated the book to his memory. (His family told us that they saw the book "as a way to continue Greg's desire to help people in their sad and difficult journey through the grieving process.") 

What I can share with you is that Greg was a wonderful young man, very handsome and physically fit with a head of thick, curly brown hair, a perfectly shaped goatee, beautiful brown eyes and a smile that lit up the room. He was the sort of person who drew you to him instantly: kind, sincere, and mature way beyond his years. When he joined our staff at HOV (somewhere around 1999) he was one of the youngest and most beloved members of our Bereavement team.

Greg was born in Phoenix, earned his bachelor's degree at ASU and his Master's degree in counseling at the University of Phoenix. His father died of skin cancer while Greg was in undergraduate school, and because he had such a difficult time dealing with his grief, he decided to learn more about dying, grief and loss. Eventually he felt called to help bring peace and understanding to others who were mourning by joining HOV as a bereavement counselor. He'd been with us only a year or so and was working on his PhD in counseling / psychology when his lung cancer was diagnosed. Needless to say, when we learned the news we were all devastated, and he died so soon after he was diagnosed (June 10, 2000) we all were shocked and felt personally bereft. He was only 33 years old. 

From Greg's obituary: "He is survived by his loving wife and best friend, Charlene, his adoring mother, Laura, a brother Jay, and numerous devoted friends. He will be sorely missed by all who were fortunate enough to know and be touched by him. The family is eternally grateful for the outstanding care, devotion and love extended to Greg by the wonderful staff of Hospice of the Valley."  

[KATPILOT]

Thank you Marty. I knew he had to be a very special person.

[Margm]

I think I should have read this before starting my new topic subject.  Would not matter really, I still could not write about Billy.  I can on the forum.  My mom was "different."  Did not realize it growing up because she only socialized with her sisters, and they were all "different."  When I was 15, I was given a diary.  It had a key, and I hid it in a new suitcase that I could lock too.  Mama, for some reason, she broke the lock on both and read my private thoughts written only to myself.  An innocent 15 year-old's thoughts, written only for myself to see.  After that, I lived under a microscope and writing only became a release later in life.  I am still guarded.  I am now never alone and look forward to my own apartment.  But, when I am alone, I wonder how I will handle things, myself, feelings, facing really being alone.  I somehow now can hide, but guess it is only reality I am hiding from.  Probably counseling in my future.  But, Billy went so fast, I wonder if that is such a bad thing.  Yep, counseling is in my future, if I dig out of this hole.

[scba]

Dear marg, i too had a diary when I was a teenager, with a lock. I wrote diaries for 10 years and then quitted, i read them once and I didn't recognize myself, I guees the teen ages are not that beautiful to recall! I like to write, i am more a writer type that speaking type. I had good marks with essays and not good marks with dissertations at college. I have been advise too to keep a journal now, but I can't. This forum is a journal, sort of. I cannot read my old posts, don't know why. I cannot write down my memories of my years of love story. Maybe one day, or maybe never.

[Margm]

I have a stupid avoidance phobia.  The year 2015 did not happen.  September and October did not happen.  I try not to read before January of 2016.  I know how insane that sounds,  I am not the most stable person in this boat. 

[Gwenivere]

On March 11, 2016 at 10:35 AM, Cookie said:

I can relate to all that was said here....the distractions, TV on, music on, etc.  

 It makes me feel like I'm losing control and don't have a future, don't fit anywhere--scary.  I do all the affirmation things, exercise, on and on.  It is such a debilitating feeling.  I would prefer to just be deadly sad.  I push through it and keep doing, but it gets so exhausting.  Has anyone else had this happen?  

What gets to me is the distractions are so alien to how I/we lived life.  I can only take so much silence and resort to the TV as background noise until I want to watch something I recorded.  I was much more used to hearing Steve mucking about or talking on his cell to his buddies.  Or to me!

You are not alone in feeling like you don't have a future or fit anywhere.  I feel it all day long, home or out.  I, too, would prefer extreme sadness over this odd detatchmrnt from the world.  I hear every detail now of what people are doing and feel like I have nothing.  As for exhaustion, it never been so tired in my life with no reason like missing sleep or doing some heavy physical project.  I even have aches and pains like I did.  We are expecting a massive wind storm and I was crying last might like a little girl because the thought of being alone in a power outage scares me.  I don't want to be alone in the real dark because I am so alone in the emotional dark.  When he was here it was an adventure.  This feels like a nightmare.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Gwen,

I would give anything to have all those sounds that Mark created.  The way he would voice his opinion when a news story came on; or read me a comment someone made on his Facebook page.  The sound of his lathe turning and the sound his chisels made when he was turning a pen.  He would find ways to tease the dogs, get them all roweled up and then take them outside.  And the sound I miss the most; the one I complained about the most...his snoring. 

I had made a choice on the anniversary of his death to take off my wedding band and hang it on a chain with his.  It had been getting tight and I was afraid I might not be able to remove it.  Well, I was looking on You Tube about how to make your ring bigger.  I bought a ring- sizer and pounded it some to make it fight better.  It now has some dings in it, but I used a gold cleaning cloth to make it shine again and replaced it on my finger along with my engagement ring and the ruby bands he bought me.  I still have his ring on a charm holder, along with a small locket with his picture in it and a little golden rooster.  I finger them all the time.  The little clink they make brings him to mind.

It is exhausting with all the things that I have to do, and think about having to do.  I have books sitting on my table to read (all grief and healing books)...I have articles to go through.  I need to buckle down and get more driving time in.  There no absence if things to focus on.  But finding the motivation is hard.  I need to push through the "why bother" frame of mind I seem to be in.  There is no shortage of things to fill my time.  But nothing can take the place of what I REALLY want...to be spending time with the one person who made life worth living.  It is so hard to want something so badly and there is NOTHING that can be done to bring it to me.

[brat#2]

You both are so right, the silence is terrible.  I miss all the sounds that Dale would make, his teasing me, his laugh, just his voice.  I also find myself still trying to be quiet when I do things so I wouldn't wake him or disturb him while he was doing something and then I think, why am I being so quiet, there is no one here to hear you!

The hospital had to cut Dale's wedding band off the last visit because his arm and hand was swollen from an infection (he cried, the 1st time it has been off him in 33 years), but after he died, I had it put back together and sized and I wear it on the finger with mine.  It makes me feel closer to him and I think he would approve.

Motivation, I don't have any, I do what I have to do, but anything that could possibly wait is just sitting there to get done.  Oh well, who is going to make me to it?  It is a scary feeling when you don't feel like you want to be or fit anywhere.

 

[Gwenivere]

Steve was a musician, so the lack of music is hard for me.  I can't listen to the radio or things he recorded, it's too much.  It's funny, but I too would get annoyed because he would go over and over again a riff til I couldn't stand it and banish him to his studio. Someone (one of those haven't a clue people) to start listening to his recordings to 'desensitize' so I could enjoy them again.  Desensitize?  I imagined that someday I would listen again, but forcing that when I can barely get thru the day just thinking about him is so unrealistic.  I'm doing good feeding myself and trying to sleep!  

Ive backed off on things needing to be done too and it's mostly because WE can't sit back at the end if the day as say...yeah, we got that done.  It's just me now so my usual desire to accomplish whatever wanes.  What annoys me is the pleasure of checking off the tasks. Now they stare at me and I stare back.  I never realized his very presence was the driving force.  I've handled emergencies because I had to.  Also this place is too darned clean!  He took my job of cleaning up little messes.  It was something that was part of the day to day life.  So.....more free time.  Just what I needed....not.   

I tried wearing his ring, but it is too bulky for me.  I keep it with his keys and cell phone in his basket that was where he dumped his stuff at night.  It's like he is all there in one place.  

[brat#2]

I get the cleaning thing Gwen, I thought I had him pretty much trained to pick up after himself and to clean up his little messes, but until he is not here to make them, I was just kidding myself that I had him trained.  I miss cleaning up after him.  So you are right, there is too much free time now.  That's nice that Steve is all in one place, that makes it nice.

[hollowheart]

17 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

  I need to push through the "why bother" frame of mind I seem to be in.  There is no shortage of things to fill my time.  But nothing can take the place of what I REALLY want...to be spending time with the one person who made life worth living.  It is so hard to want something so badly and there is NOTHING that can be done to bring it to me.

This, 1 million%. This is me. (as it is all of us) There is nothing I want more than my sister back and hanging out with me like we used to. Heading to working today I was thinking that I can't believe that out of the blue she suddenly gets heart problems. Just WTF?! WHY??

I'm the same in that there are a lot of things I could be doing, but I am definitely in the 'why bother' frame. I finally bought a car saturday. It's cute, it's awesome. and my sister would have been more exited than I would be. I was thinking how we would have been out all day and the next.  I drove it home Saturday and it sat there the rest of the weekend. It makes me feel nauseous that I don't even want to drive it. I'm just so angry she is not here for this. We have been wanting this for over 10 years. Sometimes I feel an anxiety attack coming thinking about how utterly unfair all this is. I feel angry 24/7.

[hollowheart]

16 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Motivation, I don't have any, I do what I have to do, but anything that could possibly wait is just sitting there to get done.  Oh well, who is going to make me to it?  It is a scary feeling when you don't feel like you want to be or fit anywhere.

Agree, I feel uncomfortable all the time. That is interesting you say that. It is a feeling of I don't fit. I don't fit in this world anymore, in my skin, just anywhere. I see people on the street laughing with others and that's when I get that feeling. It's almost like being in the school cafeteria knowing no one with no where to sit, but having that feeling the rest of your life.

The end game was part of the motivation to get things done. Like we'd be like 'oh we gotta do some stuff then we'd watch this movie afterward" so after I do the laundry, feed the birds, wash dishes, then we'd chill and hang out.  Now it's like do laundry, feed the birds, wash dishes...then what? 

I love TV but I don't want to stare at it 24 hours, now I have no choice which makes me even more irritable. I want conversation. I want companionship. I want to go out and have fun like we used to. I'm so depressed.

[brat#2]

HH - I totally get the feeling of wanting to do things, like you said conversation, companionship, just being with someone.  It is depressing and very difficult to take some times, but we have to just keep trying and maybe someday feel somewhat "human" again.  HUGS

Joyce

[Cookie]

 

Gwenivere:  Everything you say is almost completely what I'm feeling.  I hate being alone all the time too to confront things that I would get from him for.  It all seems to unfair.  I had a dream about him last night.  He was about 25 in it and he was just there.  What was disturbing about it was that I didn't get any emotional feelings like love or affection...he was just there.  He was smoking cigarettes, which he had done when he was younger, and I said something about it and he said it was okay.  It wouldn't hurt him now.  We did a few things together, but there was no loving exchange.  I woke up feeling awful, wondering why I would have a dream like that.  I need him to let me know he loves me so much.  I know he loved me when he was here, but for some reason I don't feel it now.  I wonder why my mind is doing this...?  It hurts me.  I want to have a dream in which I can feel his love and wake up feeling good.  Hope you didn't have a power outage.  I know how you feel.  I hate storms and the aftermath.  They scare me too, as do many things these days. 

[Cookie]

Maryann:  Your post spoke to me too.  I feel the same way about trying to get some enthusiasm about doing anything.  Nothing seems to matter anymore, and that feeling of knowing he is not coming back and I have to get on with it but don't really want to.  I ended up putting my wedding ring on my other hand because I can't part with it, but it doesn't seem right on my wedding band finger.  I like it where it is and will keep it forever.  We didn't get rings when we got married because we were so poor, so we had decided to get remarried one day.  That day never got here.  We had gotten so far as to pick out a custom design.  He went and had my ring made and gave it to me with the idea that we would get his later, as they were so expensive.  He didn't ever get his.  I can't part with it. 

[Cookie]

My husband was also a musician.  He used to sit in the evening and play guitar and harmonica.  He influenced our kids, who are both musicians.  The night before he died he asked my daughter to play for him and he tried to play harmonica along with her.  God I miss his music.  My daughter hasn't picked up her guitar since he died.  It is so sad and painful.  Right after he died I gave his ring, which had been his father's, to my son.  I'm glad I did it in a way for my son, but now sometimes it hurts not to have it and wonder if I was too hasty in doing that.  So, I just have the ring he had made for me.  God, this is hard.....