Writing as a form of healing

[Margm]

I am a writer.  No, I am not published, but writing as a form of release of emotions has never been a problem. (As an adult)  I write.  I once had a blog.  I write family history on Facebook for my friends.  They love it.  I read about a lot of you putting your feelings onto paper.  I talk to Billy when I am alone.  I picture him as the dragonfly that wishes he could break the surface of the water, but he cannot reach this water bug that lives below the surface.  People have told me to put my history writings in a book form.  I think about the Native Americans and how they pass their history down generation to gneration.  My grandmother started writing the Walker's Chapel news for the parish newspaper when she was 14.  Sixty years later, she was still doing it.  Nothing earth shattering, but her writings are in the history section of the parish library.  I have her life story in book form.  I visited it often. Some of her "remembering" is published at some colleges.  My sister teaches writing and has been published.  Her writings are deep. Mine are superficial.  

I bought a big beautiful notebook to write my feelings about Billy, many pages.  I write about him on this forum.  My writings on FB have always been light with humor, this was before he left me, and he loved reading them.  He wanted me to carry my writings further.  

I cannot put a mark in that notebook.  We all have grief on this forum.  I can write my grief to all of you.  I cannot write my grief in a blog or on FB.  I cannot write the first word in that damned notebook.   Not even today's date.  If I do that, it will make it true.

[brat#2]

Marg, I get it.  I use to write before Dale left too.  My emotions, happy and sad, but now it is hard for me to express my feelings.  There are so MANY different feelings now, that sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.  I try to express them to all of you, but not sure they are coming through.  So many of you write what I'm feeling and am grateful that someone else knows how I feel.  At least I have this forum to help, thank you

Joyce

[Margm]

Thank you Brat.  I understand you, I hear all of you.  Some of you, I have not come as far.  It is me I don't understand.  I read all of Marty's recommendations, (one I have not read yet) and I feel my feelings are as expected, but that big beautiful notebook seems so daunting and untouchable.  I know faith is a personal choice, and I know I am at an impasse with mine.  It is not for everyone, but I feel I have to have it to have any semblance of peace, any healing.  I know it is as much a blank page to some as much as that first page in that notebook.  A personal choice.  I do know I have to go back to that house to get rid of it, but I am needed so much down in Louisiana I cannot do it till April.  Then, people who are depending on my help are going to have to understand I have final things to finish.  I wish Billy could help me, but if he could help me, I would not need to sell the house by myself, and I would not need the notebook.  It is one thing I can put aside.  

[brat#2]

I understand Marg, my faith has been a little shaken by all this too.  I'm trying to find it completely again and like you said until I do, I probably can't get much peace.  I too ready the article Marty suggests and feel like I'm where I'm suppose to be too, but that doesn't really seem to help when you are in it.  Maybe once you get through all you have to this month and get back to the house in April and get it for sale, you will be able to write and it won't be so daunting.  Hugs

Joyce

[Margm]

I went back and read some of you using writing as therapy.  I did not start this against you.  I think it is a wonderful release. I guess this is like some get comfort from looking at pictures.  Some get comfort from music.  I went to a relative's site, Billy's nephew (my age), and he grew up with Billy.  He came to see Billy during the five weeks after diagnosis to death, and Billy's picture was his site's main picture.  I am sorry to say, it pushed me over the edge and this numbness became pain.  That is my problem though.  He grew up in the same house, as brothers.  It brought him peace.  Sometimes you have to face the thing that you fear the most.  I, at near five months, am not quite ready.  We do what helps.  As someone said on this forum, "one size does not fit all."  I hope one day to be able to wear other sizes.  

[brat#2]

Oh Marg, I get it.  At five months I didn't want to face anything, now at 8 months there are still things I can't make myself do, not ready yet.  I still can't listen to music maybe because it was a big part of our life together.  A lot of times we didn't watch TV at night, we would just listen to music together.  We all do what we have to to get through this journey and when we are ready for certain things, we will know it.  I'm sorry for your pain, I'm sorry for all of our pain.  Hugs

Joyce

[Margm]

Joyce, you are one of the angels on this forum.  Your caring, understanding  heart comes out in your posts.  I'm sorry any of us has to feel this pain.

[iPraiseHim]

Marg, I was an avid writer of my wife's journal but realized I have stopped for a few months now.  I'm not even sure why but I just haven't.  All of these suggestions here are just that, suggestions.  What bothers me probably doesn't bother you and life changes.  You have a lot going on right now so just find what helps you.  I have been concentrating on getting enough sleep. I force myself to get enough sleep so that I wake up before the alarm goes off.  It helps me to have a better start on the next day.  I can try too change too many things and wear myself out.  Hang in there. Shalom.

 

[mittam99]

I find that writing my thoughts and venting to others in our grief community is very helpful to me. I'm not sure it's necessarily healing but it is certainly comforting when others respond to what I've written.

[Margm]

George, I look at the number of posts I have written and realize either I just write a lot, many word salads, or I just cry help a bunch.  Probably both.  Some times I think I get to depending on all of you and need to break away, and as my friend says "find myself."  I'm not ready to look in that mirror yet.  

[iheartm]

I only write here. I did sent one lengthy email to friends about a month ago detailing some of my pain because I knew they were worried about me so I let it all flow. It's not something I would want to do on a regular basis especially to those who are not in this boat.

Writing stuff here feels easy because no matter what it is, someone will come along and say, "Oh, me too." Comments like that are sanity savers because since none of us have experienced this before, we think we are the only one feeling whatever it is that's going on at the moment. Then we read here and see that we are not alone and boy does that help a lot.

[Margm]

Okay iheartm, "oh, me too" and I agree totally with all you say.

[kevin]

George, I was writing a daily letter for Angela in a log. I did this sometimes twice daily. Then about a month ago I found myself "catching up" on entries. Now I will do a three day update only because this thread triggered it. But I find the Journey is definitely changing or at least has many twists in the road .I will always keep a journal, because it is a good way to remain focused, but the Journal is now for everything, including Angela.....a form of Consolidation 

[Margm]

On March 14th I wrote half a page.  I have found a new form of gorilla glue to cover this amputation.  Anger.  I know, I know.This too shall pass.  Poor Billy.  When Billy and I would fuss, my dad always questioned me, "What did you do now."  He admired Billy for putting up with me.

[Froggie4635]

I found writing in a journal was very cathartic.  Before I met Mark, I wrote quite frequently.  But once I met him, things changed and we talked so much I didn't need to sort things out.  Now with him gone, I find it so helpful.  I had posted in one of the areas about the writing course that is offered by Megan Devine.  It involves writing from a specific prompt.  It sometimes makes you think deeply.  There is no pressure to keep a certain pace (except of course the pressure I apply to myself).  I have never done a guided journal situation, but I find it helps to get over the humps of not knowing what to write.  A lot of the time with I journal, I write TO Mark, as if I am speaking to him.  Some times it is merely my feelings coming out.  I haven't really started going back to read my early entries...I started writing about a month after Mark died.  I love putting on beautiful music and letting the thoughts come out my pen.  If I find myself "stuck", I get up and go and do something for a bit.  It is a wonderful tool.

[KATPILOT]

Just writing here gives us all some form of release. Release of emotions or perhaps even validation makes us feel better. When our writing interacts with others, it makes it better still. I have discovered that reading many of the posts you all have made here and on so many other threads that I see writing so good and it comes from the heart. Finding documentation, quotes, illustrations and such is the basic foundation of a serious writer and that is someone who reaches others. It is a writer who targets the reader even if they don't think of that which makes it such a good read.  You all are inspiring and this place is awesome.  

[Margm]

I have been able to express on here what I cannot put on paper.  At five months, I can briefly glance at a picture of him.  Not stare, briefly glance.  Music, I can listen to what Janka posts, mostly in different languages.  Nothing familiar.  I wouldn't dare listen to Abba.  I pray to Jesus for peace and wind up talking to Billy.  I can see him with Jesus just shrugging their shoulders, like "whatcha gonna do?"  I will drive by myself and talk to Billy and scream at God and at Billy..  Then I have to pull over and cry until I am out of breath, feeling as though my heart will stop, and hoping it will.  But, the screaming hurts my head, the crying accomplishes nothing (for me.),  The definition of all this was what someone said, "one size does not fit all."  I am a writer, I wrote one-half a page, but I put more on here each time I write.  

I went to say goodbye to my mom last night.  A five day trial in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home.  Sometimes she is very lucid.  I had talked to the beautiful big moon/Billy.  She said "you've been crying, it is hard."  My sister had a comic book hero shirt on with about 10 or more pictures on it.  After her lucid moment, she asked my sister if they were pictures  of her children.  I told her that the "redhead"Spiderman, was my son.  She smiled.  

[enna]

Sending hugs because sometimes there are no words. One of the great things about our forum is that we can sit with someone in silence when there are no words and there is understanding. The LIKE button helps us feel that others are listening. 

Anne

[brat#2]

Anne, you are so right about the LIKE button on this forum.  It does make you feel your thoughts, pain and feelings are validated.  I do write in a journal every day, but it's not quite enough, it doesn't give me the feeling anyone is listening like writing here does.  So thank you to all of you for listening.  Hugs

Joyce

[kevin]

One of the last times I saw my Mother, who suffered from Alzheimers , .  I was referred to as the Big relative from out west, but in the morning she asked me if I still quit smoking like she was 100%..Saddest disease on the planet for the family. My latest writings have me asking what I should do with some of my Angela's keepsakes and Jewelry......I tend tochange my mind or waffle on this...so I will just stand pat for now.....Went to Hospital yesterday, had sorest throat ever for three days, went to emergency and let them do there thing, scrapped my throat(sample to lab), i went to drugstore bought 4 items,and this morning didn't feel bad....answer was Buckleys and Advil....culture was non bacterial....

[kayc]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Kevin.  I don't know what Buckleys is but glad it helped!

Dementia is indeed a sad disease, not only for the person but for the whole family.  I got a lot out of Alzheimer's Playbook as it helped me understand how best to respond to my mom when she had it, very simple and yet helpful.  It was a time of learning, that's for sure!

[kevin]

Buckley's is something your grandmother would give you....tastes like a mixture of Horse Liniment and Turpentine....just dreadful

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, enna said:

Sending hugs because sometimes there are no words. One of the great things about our forum is that we can sit with someone in silence when there are no words and there is understanding. The LIKE button helps us feel that others are listening.

I really like that feature too.  Unlike, to me, it's useless purpose of Facebook and places like that, it lets people know that someone read their words and could relate.  It also saves repeating sentiments that are often perfectly worded.  Some here are so impressive with their writing ability I know they said it best and should know.

[Margm]

On a better note to report on, my mom was very happy to be there.  In her own way, she might have been as tired of my sister as my sister is of her.  Only five days this time.  She needs watching constantly.  My sister said she turned her back on her to answer the door, Fedex man.  Turned around and she was sitting in her birthday suit.  She cannot walk, but her brain does not tell her that.  Her skin is so thin.  She has fell twice this week and skinned herself up bad.  They said she would not be left alone at all.  It is a much nicer place than my sister had her in for rehab.

I read Marty's writings on our feeling our loved ones are close, I don't know how I feel about this.  I am not an animal person.  I love other people's animals, but I just do not want ANY more responsibility than myself.  I honestly think I am a cold fish, probably as much life as a benched whale. But we had one dog I loved.  After he was killed I honestly could hear him following along behind me, I was so used to him following me, I imagined I heard him panting like he always did when we would go walking.  I thought nothing of this phenomenon.  But I cannot hear Billy.  

(My opinion, mine alone) I do not think I will ever find peace until I get my mojo (faith) working.  Right now I can be an old witch to everyone.  What I find that really puzzles me is the fact I do not mind being an old witch yet.  I hope that changes.  I did not get old till Billy left.  I always disliked old witchy women.  

[brat#2]

Oh Marg, I get that old witchy woman, that's me now too.  As you said, I didn't get or feel old until Dale left and now I feel really old and cranky.  I never thought I understand the stories you hear or the women you saw as a kid how that woman became so cranky (it was probably grief) and we just didn't know it.  I do like animals, but I don't have the strength to take care of one right now, wish I did, the companionship might be nice, but don't want the responsibility.

Joyce