Guest Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 15 hours ago, MyMB said: I walk my dogs and watch TV. Doesn't matter what I watch It's like It's just something for my eyes to look at while I wait for another day to be over. And I'm sad when some one asks me if I'm planning on meeting some one new. I think how can you be so unfeeling. Would you be thinking of other women when your wife passed away only 7 months ago?I've been married for 35 years and I don't want any one but the woman I will always adore. I hike and read. I'll stream movies on occasion but it seems as if every movie I stream someone ends up dying; even the comedies. I want something to help me escape not reflect my misery. I've known a couple of men who were married or in a committed relationship within a couple of years after losing their wives but I also seriously doubt that they had the same depth of feeling that I have for Deedo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Sometimes people just know. I can't qualify how I see things. It just doesn't translate from my emotion to my word yet I feel compelled to speak from a man's perspective who has been on this journey for five years. Given enough time you can get a good idea of how you will live your life out. I believe you must have enough years of grief to have any kind of certainty for we are a mix of emotions and we bounce off the walls especially late at night. The majority of men who are widowed will never find their way here. We tend to think of ourselves stronger than women (yeah right). We tend to be needy such as having someone keep the house. Hell most of us suck at doing laundry, or cooking, or shopping, and even fashion sense. A large part of describing men as needy, is sex. I'm not talking about the tactile touch here but the simple fact that men are hornier than women and I apologize for being so crude but there are not many ways to put it. For the men on this site, you get a different person. Love is pretty strong and it outways the needy stuff. For some of us, sex didn't occur because toward the end battling cancer made that the last thought on our minds. Keep in mind that I was 62 when Kathy died, not a young man in years so you have to take that into account from where I'm writing. But my dad was about the same age when my mom died and the simple fact was that he was "needy" He married two years later. I am not using the word in a degrading manner. I'm just saying he could not live alone even if he did love my mother with a passion. I truly believe that the majority of widowed men do find another relationship for the reasons I have stated and there are more single women out there than men and that is one big factor too. Gender just goes out the window when you mix widowed men who choose to live alone and widowed women who in greater numbers choose the same path. You get to talk about the feelings and pain without hidden agenda. I like this place because I get to listen to nothing but love devotion and courage. It gives me strength and joy to do so which will most likely keep me here for a long, long time. I enjoy reading what you ladies have said and a smile crossed my lips a few times. In any event, that's my perspective and obviously not all men are the same but I have listened to what many have written here and on other sites so as an observer, I think I have it right. If you don't agree, you can tell me. I've been wrong before. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 My Sensei - As usual you articulated so well the thoughts I could not find the words for. I know a man who lost his wife to a biking accident and within seven months was remarried. I am almost at eight months and that idea is so incomprehensible to me. I really can't fathom it. But we are all different and I can't begin to know where his head was. Needy - would be my guess but then what do I know other than today is another day to get through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Marg, hahahahahahaha you made me lough so much with your list. Can you lend me Jensen Ackles? 10 hours ago, Marg M said: Myself, old men are too old. Only one old man appealed to me. Now, if you want to discuss Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Jensen Ackles, Gerard Butler, Chris Evans, Zac Efron, Henry Cavill, well...........(And I put these names down knowing Billy will get me back somehow.) He was jealous of me liking Tony Curtis when I was a kid. Heck, even Clint Eastwood is too old, now he does have a son that qualifies, Scott Eastwood. See, even old women prefer younger men. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 19 hours ago, hollowheart said: Do people really think this? I guess their first thinking is "Oh, they gotta get with someone so they won't be lonely!" It's like good intentions and bad intentions and bad thinking all wrapped together. Yes, they immediately want to make you happy again, but you can't forgo the reality. Going on a date is not going to make you forget or get over that you had a happy marriage or relationship you were just fine with. In my experience I've seen people be more pushy when the couple were boyfriend/girlfriend and not married. Yes HH. I have been suggested that being young and childless will allow me to meet a new man quickly, "you will get over it, there are many divoced men out there". I was like "WTF???????????" (sorry for this expression). I know the well meaning intentions behid these comments but I can't tolerate it. The fact that I lost a boyfriend and not a husband doesn't mean it is a less significant-loss. It is not a break up, it is not bad luck or a moment in my love-story. My boyfriend was my soulmate! We were going to get married and it won't ever happen. There will be no wedding ceremony, no dress, no rings exchange. We were together for shortly 5 years. It is not fair, we both know how many struggles we went through to find each other, to find true love. And because I will never marry him, at least on Earth, I decided to get a "tribute" ring. Not a wedding band or an engagement ring, it wasn't meant to be. I would like to order a special design as a material testimony of our love. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 scba, oh that is a wonderful idea of the "tribute" ring. I know how much our wedding bands, that I wear both of them, mean to me, so I'm sure that a tribute ring would mean a great deal to you. You are right, it doesn't matter if he was your boyfriend or husband, if you lost your true love and soul mate, it's a great loss either way. Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 For anyone that reads my posts, unless I am in a blue funk, I might tease and joke. If I was a cougar, I might still have hormones. That cancer radiation burned every little atom of hormone I ever had away. I have not missed them. My granddaughter and I watch a lot of TV. Some of the "eye candy" I mention have caught my nearly 17-year old granddaughter's eye. And if Billy were with me I would not even be teasing about it. Of course, if he was with me, I would not be on this forum. I have had a few days of numbness. I welcomed it. I babysit my nearly 95-year-old (closer to two year-old mind) mother. Night before last, while babysitting my mother, my sister came home early. She was dizzy. She went to the bathroom and for about 30 minutes threw up material that was coming from somewhere deep within, most likely from her chronic obstructive lung disease. My mother needs 24 hour care. The house is tied up in loans. (Not mine) Her vast education made her be turned down for disability. She requested an ambulance. I sat with her, a friend sat with our mom. No insurance, Medicare starts Saturday. They did tests, CT scan, blood and urine tests. They called it vertigo, high blood pressure, and her COPD. She actually needs on oxygen. Our new governor inherited a state budget that was worse than after Katrina. So he raised the so called sin tax. Tobacco and alcohol. I think maybe she will have to cut down. But truth be known, if I kept my mom, I would be drunk 24 hours a day. But if it was in my hands, she would have 24 hour care for Alzheimers patients. Okay, this is life. I know how cold blooded I sound. I am an old woman. My mother is that child my sister never had. We had two parents that should never have been parents. But still that was our life, we made it through, they did not have a book to read to raise us. Not their fault. They did the best they could. Both were cold and uncaring. Now she gets to suck the life out of my sister. I was blessed with more years with Billy than most of you haved lived your life. Still, I get bitter and unreasonable. They do say only the good die young. My numb feeling broke, I am going to look for it again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 54 minutes ago, brat#2 said: scba, oh that is a wonderful idea of the "tribute" ring. I know how much our wedding bands, that I wear both of them, mean to me, so I'm sure that a tribute ring would mean a great deal to you. You are right, it doesn't matter if he was your boyfriend or husband, if you lost your true love and soul mate, it's a great loss either way. Joyce Thank you Joyce! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Marg, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that on top of everything else. I'm glad it was any more serious with your sister, not that her "normal" problems aren't bad enough. Would your sister ever consider putting your mom in a home? Any way, I understand being bitter, but I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm glad you had Billy as long as you did, so that you knew and know what love and caring felt like and of course, that makes that much harder now that it is gone. You are in my thoughts and hope it gets a little less stressful for you. BIG HUGS! Joyce Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 (I just want to acknowledge the posts ^ in this thread by Stephen and Brad. As I've told both of you before, I so appreciate and value your ongoing participation in our forums, precisely because you do bring a masculine perspective to our discussions ~ and I for one am very grateful for that ) 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 22 hours ago, Brad said: I don't think most people do not understand how much of our day is spent thinking about our loved ones. There are very few moments in any given day when Deedo is not predominantly in my thoughts. It doesn't matter what it is, I am thinking of her. When I'm with others I am thinking of her, when I'm alone I am thinking of her. Washing dishes, doing laundry, going to the doctors, hiking...my thoughts are all about her. From what I've read I am not alone. My neighbors will think of her on occasion, some more frequently than others, but they have lives to lead. Even when I try to find distractions my thoughts frequently return to Deedo. This is what I think most people cannot comprehend. Exactly Brad, I too spend much of the day thinking of him and it hasn't changed in a year and a half. Even when I am not thinking of him I feel I do because my mind feels different since. I liked your picture of the hand with the rings! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 4 hours ago, KATPILOT said: Gender just goes out the window when you mix widowed men who choose to live alone and widowed women who in greater numbers choose the same path. You get to talk about the feelings and pain without hidden agenda. I like this place because I get to listen to nothing but love devotion and courage. It gives me strength and joy to do so which will most likely keep me here for a long, long time. I enjoy reading what you ladies have said and a smile crossed my lips a few times. I agree Stephen. And thank you for your point of view on gender and grief, it is very enriching. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 Thanks, KatPilot. I have been debating with myself about this topic since this discussion was brought up about gender differences. My wife and I were together for almost 26 years. Due to the ravages of diabetes we were unable to be intimate for about the last nine years. That never diminished my love for my precious wife. My wife had said many times that if she died first I should find another wife because I am not good to be alone. I have learned in life not to make vows. Right now, I cannot imagine being in another relationship as I am still grieving deeply for my wife. I was single till almost 33 when we met. I didn't settle for someone then just to be married and I don't plan on doing that now. However, I need to be at peace at whatever happens for the rest of my life. I don't like being alone. I have a friend who married twice because he didn't like living alone and lost both wives to cancer. So, I am just going to live one day at a time and see what each day brings. Shalom 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 You've got it right George. One day at a time. scba what a great idea to have such a ring and always remember this truth. It's not how long you loved, it's how well you did it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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