I don't fit anywhere anymore

[iheartm]

I don’t fit in anywhere anymore. It used to be that I fit in at home and we had our routines. Now I have no routine. No one is waiting for me anymore. 

Friends’ routines have not changed so despite saying we can hang out and whatever, that’s not happening really because their life did not change and they have their own routines and stuff that they do. I’m sure they meant it when they said it, but the thing is, their life did not change so an upheaval in their social schedule to insert another person is not something easily accomplished when one has their own stuff to do.

There is also that feeling that when someone calls you and says, “I have an hour free this morning if you want to get coffee,” that your first reaction is to recoil because it feels as though the person offering is doing it out of pity. It kind of feels like you are being slotted in somewhere, time limited, and I don’t know exactly why but that is distasteful to me. I know it is not meant that way but the person offering does not have the mindset that I do right now. 

I will never have the connection that I did with M again. Friends won’t be expecting me home at a particular time, they won’t call to check if I’m out longer than I was, they won’t greet me at the door.  A cup of coffee will be just a cup of coffee. Seems my life is headed towards becoming a series of a la carte events and that’s just not going to fly for me.

 

[brat#2]

I totally get what you saying.  Even if I do accept an invitation to go somewhere, I don't feel like I fit in and am uncomfortable.  That feeling of no connection anymore, feeling that no one cares where you are and what you are doing is unbearable at times.  I'm hoping that feeling will lessen as time goes on, but if it doesn't I guess I will have to accept it.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

We don't fit in anymore.  Some of us will again and some won't.  You summed up how life does keep moving on for others, as it should.  I never had expectations that all the offers of help in the beginning would continue well over a year.  I have found I can ask people for things and they usually are more than happy to help.  

The point is we are soooooooo sensitive, fragile, bent and nearly broken that we often take things too personally.  I've had people say they are. In the neighborhood, do I want them to stop by?  I look at it from another perspective.  They actually thought of me!

The hardest part is there is no one waiting, wondering or worried about us day to day anymore.  And vice versa.  It's very hard not to be missed or let them know we were worried because they didn't call.   That has been the biggest adjustment in day to day life for me.  It's like changing the bed and one side has never been used.  It's all heartbreaking.  

I don't know which side of the coin I will end up on.....fit in or not.  I don't now and all I can do is make thru another day.

[brat#2]

Gwen, that has been hard for me too, not having that person to worry about.  I find I don't know what to think about sometimes because I don't have him to worry about when he's not here with me. You are right, that is the biggest adjustment is the day to day of thinking of him and knowing he is thinking of me.  Making it through another day is all that we can do.

Joyce

 

[KarenK]

For me, that feeling of not fitting in has only gotten worse over time. Many times I have thought about trying to make new friends, but in the end my thoughts turn to "Why bother?" New friends do not have a history with you and are not interested in how you feel. Most days I feel like I have been erased. Does that make sense? Perhaps I must force myself to take that first step toward a "new" me. I just don't know.

It seems selfish to worry that I no longer seem to have any value to anyone. I think the "no value" feeling is especially true for those of us who were caregivers to our loved ones. There is no one left who depends on us to make it through each day and night. Or in my case, no one who calls me to ask for help or advice or just to say "wish you were here".

Gwen, I love your perspective that at least someone was thinking of you.

[Guest]

Right now I don't really want to fit in, I'm fine where I am at.  I do have well meaning neighbors who have decided I need a social life so the invitations are starting to roll in but it is always with other couples and the one eighty-something single friend of theirs.  Need to keep the numbers even I suppose.  I have no interest in being fixed up with anyone but really if you want to fix me up with someone with a twenty year age difference make it a forty something that way the odds are better that she'll outlive me.  I'm not going through this hell a second time.

[Margm]

I have well meaning friends and family.  After my blowup yesterday, people are satisfied to let me fit into my cubbyhole I have dug for myself.  There are some things I cannot fix no matter what I do.  Being a witch is one of them.  Handling me right now is like trying to remove a roasting pan without hot pan holders. 

[scba]

I don't fit either anymore and this is a secondary tragedy, because we wish to fit again so as to have our pain taken away. I decided to accept this fact of life, as long as it lasts.

I'm too the new "gap" in people's schedule. And since this gets me angry, today I said to some friends who texted me to hang out: "Sorry, I don't have time to meet/to call you on Skype". Phone calls are "out". Now, you text, and probably you text what is going on with you and you get attention/response a day later. Modern times.....

I'm fed up to be the one who is to be available because I'm single, jobless, child-free. I'm watching tv or watching the ceiling, it is important that I do that too. I'm learning to do things alone, by myself, I don't try to cheat on me that I'm satisfied with that, but I guess the old time friendship company is an utopia. It works until you are 30years old. Then, better you have your own life, otherwise....

54 minutes ago, Brad said:

 I have no interest in being fixed up with anyone but really if you want to fix me up with someone with a twenty year age difference make it a forty something that way the odds are better that she'll outlive me.  I'm not going through this hell a second time.

Brad,

I had to reply: "if you want to set me up, I have just one condition: I have to be sure that I die first, cause I'm not going through this hell again". I guess no one will try again any sooner.

I would go through this hell again, only for my boyfriend. This is how I feel today. My humour is not so Easter related.....

[mittam99]

The day I met Tammy my life changed. I was loved and gave love like never before. Tammy truly was my whole world, that's no exaggeration. When Tammy got sick in 2007, virtually every day of my life thereafter was spent worrying about her health. All I wanted was for her to be healthy and I was so scared something might happen to her. And then, March 6, 2015 happened.

I've been grieving the loss of my beloved Tammy for a bit over a year. Honestly, I'm not worried about fitting in. I'm not jealous of others and their happy lives. I just ache for Tammy. This new life is so different and so lacking in meaning. But, it's the only life I have and it's mine to live in the best way I can. For me, that means, getting up, facing the day and taking it as it comes. Yes, I have no social life but who cares at this point? Right now being alone seems to be the right thing for me.

We all have lost our companion, our lover, our best friend, our confidant... our soul mate. Our world has gone from blissfully happy, to bleak and meaningless. Yes, it's hard. And it's damn near impossible to see a future filled with any joy.

Sadly, our lives of before are fading into memories.

The way I see it we only have two choices.

1) Live your life in the moment (to the best of your ability) and try to make yourself as "happy" as possible (given the circumstances). Not an easy task by any means

2) Give up.

I wholeheartedly don't recommend option 2.

 

 

[iheartm]

Option 2 is not something I think anyone here needs encouragement not to do. It's easier said than done though depending on at what point one is in their journey. We would not be here if giving up was something we wanted to do.

[KATPILOT]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

The point is we are soooooooo sensitive, fragile, bent and nearly broken that we often take things too personally.  I've had people say they are. In the neighborhood, do I want them to stop by?  I look at it from another perspective.  They actually thought of me!

 

Great way to see it Gwen. There is some comfort when viewing it from that perspective.

[mittam99]

38 minutes ago, iheartm said:

Option 2 is not something I think anyone here needs encouragement not to do. It's easier said than done though depending on at what point one is in their journey. We would not be here if giving up was something we wanted to do.

Option 2 was just meant to be rhetorical. Our only real option is #1.

Please read some of my posts from my topic "Dealing with those moments". Back then, I saw little reason for living in a world without my Tammy in it. It's still a gut wrenching, horrendous life but I'm seeing some color in the sea of darkness that is grief. Believe me, my heart goes out to you and everyone here. We are all distraught and in a world of hurt.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch can I just tell you that if you don't want those memories to fade, then they won't ?   I think you have a good outlook for someone a year along this journey. You don't dwell on fitting in and you are not jealous of others with happy lives. That actually is a good thing because you concentrate on loving Tammy and that is where you do fit in. You fit in right here and you'll fit in other places as time goes by. I must admit that after a year I too worried that I would forget the face, or the voice, or the touch and the smell. As it turns out, I  just remember her differently because the smell or touch isn't one that lingers but in my heart and soul I can still feel her touch and smell her hair. It changes but it stays with you.

Just as long as you want it to.

After five years, it's just like she never left and yet she's been gone for a long, long time.

[mittam99]

Steve thanks for those words. You've been so kind to me since I've joined here.

I actually post here for two reasons. One, it's been very therapeutic for me. I have interacted with so many wonderful people. I've been comforted and I've learned a lot about grief and grieving. Two, I want the world to know what an amazing human being Tammy was and how blessed I was that she chose me to be her man.

Now there's a third reason. I want to help others who are hurting and in pain by letting them know they're not in this alone. We're all sort of in this together. The "outside world" doesn't really understand.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch it so great to hear you mention helping others. You have been through a year so you've learned enough to help the next one survive. You still live in pain. You still miss Tammy but you are discovering new things all the time which will help someone else.   Imagine what you'll know,         tomorrow.

[hollowheart]

I don't really feel like I fit anywhere either. The couple of times I've been out with friends it's so uncomfortable because there is not the genuine joy that once was. Plus, I can tell a couple of my friends think that me laughing or talking about something else means I'm "cured" or something. 

bascially this serious horrific tragedy is like dragging a boulder around with me everywhere. If I'm moody or not feeling it I always feel I have to explain. I can only stay "up" so long before my grief takes hold and I don't care for company or good times anymore. And that makes me sad and, as always, angry that my life has changed so much for the worse. Even when I have a good time I want to tell my sister about it later. Can't do that anymore. I find always feeling "out of place" is going to be a staple now. 

As far as friends, if they thought about me, great. I've had people contact and not even have time or want to really talk. It was just to say "hi, keep holding on. Peace out!" And they were gone. So then I feel like a fool expecting (and wanting)  to have a conversation with them but they just allotted that 40 seconds for me. Nice. 

 

[KATPILOT]

Of course this was always going to be a really lousy time hollowheart. When I was new to this journey, I noticed too how people would see me laugh or smile and think I was over it. If they just wanted to feel better having me join them at being over Kathy as they were, or whatever the reason, I just let them think what they would. Those around me  who "get it" knew better. I've said often that there will come a day that you smile more than you cry but that doesn't mean you're over it. Not by a long shot! You just smiled. That's all. You are just reading page fifty seven in a book that never ends.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

 I must admit that after a year I too worried that I would forget the face, or the voice, or the touch and the smell. As it turns out, I  just remember her differently because the smell or touch isn't one that lingers but in my heart and soul I can still feel her touch and smell her hair. It changes but it stays with you.

At 15 months I do remember the smell and touch.  I hate to think of losing that.  That's probably why I leave his bathroom the same.  Certain foods will trigger memories too.  It's amazing what our minds store and probably will forever.  I can see it changing over time.  I just hope I never forget what it felt to be in his arms.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

As far as friends, if they thought about me, great. I've had people contact and not even have time or want to really talk. It was just to say "hi, keep holding on. Peace out!" And they were gone. So then I feel like a fool expecting (and wanting)  to have a conversation with them but they just allotted that 40 seconds for me. Nice. 

HH, I've read all of your posts and feel you are letting people have too much power over your grief.  This is just my opinion.  It doesn't take long to see people continue on.  Our choice is whether to let that keep annoying us or to let it go and tend to our needs the best we can.  Every now and then someone surprises me by taking a sincere interest.  It's too easy to have expectations of others and they will usually fail.  We are the ones altered by our loss.  You can't replace her and neither can these people. It just saddens me you keep letting these people drain so much energy or distract you from your pain in a way that seems to increase it.

[Margm]

Girls, when I was 15, in our small town's school, we had "in school" talents in assembly. Of course, I am sure most schools did this.  One of our senior girls sang "Hello Young Lovers"  from the Broadway Play The King and I.  She was dressed up as an old woman.  I don't know why, but I cried and cried.  Now, these many, many years later, it haunts me. I never forgot that performance.   But, being older, I have lived a great life, had the best husband (to me) ever, and accomplished so many memories.  Now I live the life of the song.  But being old has its rewards.  I wanted to keep Billy 54 more years, it was a fairy tale life, only living happily ever after was not to be.  But, being old helps me not really care what other people think of me.  I don't desire other people's company, but I have it.  We all miss someone that was our life.  I have to make myself go to my private place in my mind, because all of my family hurts so bad.  I exist.  That is what we all do,  We have to forgive those people that shy away from us.  We are reminders of everyone's mortality.  I will start church.  I will move to an apartment.  I don't desire friends, but they are there.  Just ignore thoughtless remarks.  They do not understand our grief.  But, unfortunately, they will, and like my widow friends tell me, we will survive.  But, like my grandmother wrote 18 years after my grandfather's death, the pain was still with her.  She outlived him nearly 30 years.  She conducted the business of a small crossroad's country store.all those years with a brave spirit.  I am her granddaughter, how can I do less.  We all have to carry on.  We "have to stay" and we all can do this, with or without friends. And maybe if we wish hard enough we can feel (our mates) with us.  I am looking forward to that.  Still have to explore my faith.  Might not be your search, but it is mine, and, given the time, I might find peace.  To quote someone on this forum, if we are falling off a cliff, we reach for anything that might break the fall.  That is why I flushed those 50 morphine pills.  I'm gonna stay as long as I can.  Don't worry about the other people and what they think of you, just remember this pain and play it forward to help those that will need you in the future.  I still remember the cruel mean thing I said to my good friend 18 years ago.  It was mean, crude, and unforgivable.  She never brought it up, she forgave me but I was mean and insensitive.  She is one of my closest friends, I am humbled now.

ADDENDUM:  You want to know what I said?  I can still remember it, I knew it was wrong when I said it,  This woman was only about 56.  She had been married to a relative of mine and my dad's pictures when he was young looked like this "young" man.  She had fussed with her husband and then went for the cancer surgery of their newborn granddaughter who had a rare cancer.  The surgery was very successful and that baby is a beautiful 18-year old now.  She tried to call her husband and finally a relative found him dead from a brain aneurysm.  In talking to her later, I remarked that she was still young enough and beautiful, she could find happiness again.  Somehow in my stupidity, I thought it would cheer her up.  Yes, there are callous people that say the wrong things to us.  Some are well meaning, some are, like me. just stupid.  The woman is my age and has been a big help to me.  She did not discard me for a friend.  She rose above my crass remark.  I knew it was wrong before Billy passed.  That woman takes his cremains to family gatherings.  He died after an argument and she never got to say goodbye. Her pain is still raw. She lives still with guilt. She never remarried and I don't think she has even dated.  So please rise above insensitive people.  Sometimes they mean well but are just ignorant. 

[kayc]

Margaret,

I don't remember ever saying that to anyone, but if I did, I hope they forgive me.  It is important to remember that people mean well and to forgive them for not understanding.  I do remember a lady at my church, just two weeks after George died, someone had asked me how I was and that's all it took...I burst into tears!  This lady, in seeing my tears, said, "But you can't love George more than Jesus!"  (Like one has anything to do with the other!)...to which I replied, "But Jesus is still here, and George isn't!"  and my pastor, overhearing, agreed with me.

It bothered me that she could say something so stupid.  After all, what did she know, she STILL has her husband!  And of course, she never had the marriage/relationship with her husband the way George & I did together.  Of course people don't understand, they haven't been in our shoes!

[Margm]

Well Kay, as you can read, I was not proud of it.  But stupid people occasionally do stupid things.  Yes, she forgave me.  We share a lot with each other that neither of us would tell anyone else. 

  "So please rise above insensitive people.  Sometimes they mean well but are just ignorant". 

[kevin]

We never knew what Grief was before we actually had to experience it. I thought I understood, I think I said the right things, but I was so ignorant of the pain and emotional turmoil the victims were going through...I've given out condolences so many times but they sure were shallow now knowing what the individuals were going through....Live and Learn 

[kayc]

Margaret, at least you apologized when you DID know it was inappropriate, I've never had anyone apologize to me for the things they said.  

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, I clicked on the Like button for your post above, but I also need to say that You are NOT a stupid person! There's a difference between being ignorant (that is, uniformed about a particular subject) and being stupid (that is, showing a lack of ability to learn or understand things). We cannot know what we do not know. We all must live and learn. Can any one of us honestly say we knew all about grief until it happened to us? Sometimes the way you criticize yourself seems to me to be so harsh and so very unfair. Just sayin' . . .  ♥