I don't fit anywhere anymore

[kayc]

I agree!

[Margm]

Billy used to laugh and laugh when he did something dumb.  I put up with it for probably 50 years and then I asked him why he does that.  He said "Well it was stupid of me and I laugh at myself before anyone else can."  I guess sometimes I do and say things and fuss at myself before someone else can.  And like the woman said to Kay, that was really mean.  I am lucky my friends forgive me.  Just like the people on this forum, you have to love their spirits and hearts for making it through each day.

[kayc]

Well I didn't think she was mean, just narrow minded and not a clue.   But I too think it good that we can laugh at ourselves.  Sometimes that's our best laughs!

[Gwenivere]

Kay, does talking to yourself all the time count the same as laughs?  

[MartyT]

And Marg, just for the record, I do enjoy and appreciate your delightful sense of humor 

[Margm]

I have always hated being serious Marty, but this literally brought me to my knees.  It's coming back slowly.  I used to write a blog and stories for my friends.  They all ask me to continue it, but I find myself just being morose.  The blog was for friends and Billy enjoyed it.  No, he loved it.  He was to take the pictures and I would write.  It is all gone now.  No fiction, just sometimes exaggerated truth.  I miss him, but I will find an outlet.  I found where I wrote in a journal the month of December.  I forgot I had written  I destroyed them.  I have enough sadness, I don't want to rehash it.  Thank you Marty.

[brat#2]

Marg

I do the same thing, I put myself down before someone else does.  I understand about this bringing you to your knees.  I "had" a pretty good sense of humor, Dale always said that I could make his day and that I always amazed him with the stuff I came up with and that it was never boring with me.  Of course, I felt that way about him too, his sense of humor was bigger than mine, but now all that is gone.  I do feel it slowly coming back to me, but now I don't have anyone to share it with and that is sad in itself.

Joyce

[Margm]

Joyce, Billy's sense of humor was brutal.  He bought a piece of pipe to fix the plumbing with and the glue recommended was no good.  He walked into our very small town True Value with a look of anger (he always wore a beard too) and loudly asked for the man who had sold him the glue.  The man was creeping out the back door.  Billy was only teasing but the customers and salesman didn't know that.  Sometimes I had to be along to buffer his jokes.  And if I could only hear him with his duck calls, crow calls, and all the others he collected, I would not fuss at all. 

[brat#2]

Marg, me too, sometimes I would have to let people know he was joking, however, most of the time everyone could tell.  I miss everything about him so.

 

[Gwenivere]

Joyce, I also miss my sense of humor.  It makes little appearances when I am with some people, but nothing like t was before because I was happy.  Steve and I joked all the time.  It was like a competition who could be the wittiest.  Out due the other.  Now my thoughts are so dark that even when I am conversing with someone I miss opportunities to poke at them often.  That is so not me.  But then, I haven't been me for a very long time now.  I want me back but the hitch is I only  know that me with him.  So I don't know what I am really shooting for now.  

[hollowheart]

6 hours ago, brat#2 said:

 I do feel it slowly coming back to me, but now I don't have anyone to share it with and that is sad in itself.
 

Yes, my sister and I kept each other laughing. We always had some movie/TV reference or quote or something that only we got because we liked so much of the same things. It's extremely sad and lonely to not have that anymore.

[WolfsKat]

I agree w/Marty......Marg......you are an amazing soul, I always "get" something from your posts, and you do have MUCH wisdom!

[hollowheart]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 It makes little appearances when I am with some people, but nothing like t was before because I was happy. 

Yes, I miss that genuine joy and happiness. I can still be witty and funny, but most of it was with my sister because we always had the in jokes or got each others references. At times it was with my past co-workers (when all was right with the world) and we had worked together and been friends long enough that they got my sense of humor and in jokes as well.

It hurts when I see or hear something only she could appreciate and I can't share it. It makes me feel especially lonely at that moment.

[brat#2]

Gwen, I get it when you say you are not the same as you were with him.  I was extremely shy and didn't really know I had witty humor, until I met Dale.  He brought that out in me and we would do that same thing, see who could out do who.  Now, I find that I'm reverting back to my shy personality without him here being my cheerleader and supporter and I don't like it.  I guess we can try to shoot for somewhere in the middle of what we were and what we are now??

HH - Dale and I had those "only us" sayings too and and it is sad that there isn't that anymore, no one else would get it.

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

2 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

 Dale and I had those "only us" sayings too and and it is sad that there isn't that anymore, no one else would get it.

Oh!  Those are the worst as far as pain.  So many things that meant nothing to anyone but us.  When they pop into my mind I sometimes wish I could forget them because I know I will never hear them again for real.  Even telling others about them Justus cuts me to the core.  At the time they were just.....part of life.  Gone now except for the voice in my head and I'm lonely enough!

[brat#2]

Gwen, perfectly said, hugs to you

Joyce

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

  I want me back but the hitch is I only  know that me with him.  So I don't know what I am really shooting for now.  

Gwen some time ago I posted how I had an epiphany. I realized I was no longer Steve and Kathy. I was simply Steve. That is the moment when you realize how you are no longer a couple but an individual.  I had lost sight of me as just me. I could only see myself as half of a couple. When you speak how "That is not me", your absolutely right. That person no longer exists. Now you are Gwen on the other side of Gwen and Steve, evolving, morphing, adapting. In time we start to see a new us. We are a product of two people who so influenced each other that we became effected by the other. So in a way a piece of him is and always will be in your very own behavior. I wrote once how even when I shop or buy new things for the house, my decisions are made partly with the influence of my wife embedded deep in my core. Perhaps if we learned to appreciate that fact we might feel just a little less empty.

Reinventing ourselves is the hardest damn thing to do especially if you can't see yourself as alone. It took me five years and I'm still stumbling trying to learn how the new Steve walks. But the exciting part is that as we grow, we grow influenced by someone very special. 

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[MartyT]

 

9 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

It took me five years and I'm still stumbling trying to learn how the new Steve walks.

Stephen, I'm reminded of Harry's piece, Voices of Experience: A Toddler In The World of Grief 

[KATPILOT]

I remember this piece and I hope everyone clicks on this link. I so understand how much of what I learn here in this place has helped me grow - which helps me find peace  - which helps me go on living.

Thanks Marty

[kayc]

Plus, Margaret, I googled you and you are NOT that old!

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

When you speak how "That is not me", your absolutely right. That person no longer exists. Now you are Gwen on the other side of Gwen and Steve, evolving, morphing, adapting.

 I wrote once how even when I shop or buy new things for the house, my decisions are made partly with the influence of my wife embedded deep in my core. Perhaps if we learned to appreciate that fact we might feel just a little less empty.

Thank you for your post, Kat.  There is no doubt I am changing into a person I don't know yet.  It's the only reasonable option considering there were the early times that I didn't want to go on without him, tho I still feel that way but know to do that would be very extreme.  It just amazes me that my whole life, even since gaining consciousness as a child, I never had to work at it.  Life was full of things I wanted to explore or experience.  It's like watching a puppy and how the world  is total magic to frolic in.  Then you meld with that someone and things just keep flowing without effort.  Like you I have adapted same mannerisms because I learned from him a better way just as he did from me.  It's 2nd nature to me now.  Every time I solve a problem, no matter how small I want to say....Steve, look!  I try telling my dogs, but they are never impressed.  

[Margm]

@Kay, I never felt old until autumn of 2015.  I think I will Google me.  I know the only time I broke the law was a speeding ticket in about 1964.  Cost me $10. At least that is the only time I was caught.  (I don't feel googled).  Heck.  Yep, I am old.

[kayc]

No you're not, otherwise I"M approaching "old" and I refuse to give in to that!   (It didn't bring up your speeding ticket, it was just a Google, not a background check!)

[Margm]

"and you do have MUCH wisdom!" 

@WolfsKat:  Not wisdom, just years of experience, lots of mistakes and still standing.  Can still walk a lot too, as long as I can keep the necessities (bathroom) close.  But, thank you for the sweet words. 

[kevin]

Marg,,,2015 Seatbelt ticket was $160.............And you are a Pistol...kd