Margm Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Oh gosh Kevin, I totally forgot, Billy and I both got caught without seatbelts. It was on I-220 out of Bossier City, and it was $25 each. We were just a couple of redneck convicts. Also quite a few years ago. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 13 hours ago, KATPILOT said: I wrote once how even when I shop or buy new things for the house, my decisions are made partly with the influence of my wife embedded deep in my core. Perhaps if we learned to appreciate that fact we might feel just a little less empty. Steve, I think this is a key to helping lift the fog that grief creates. When Tammy died and my world turned from bliss to devastation, all I could think about was dark and negative. "Why was she gone"? ..."What could I have done better?"... "Why did Tammy have to be ill so often?"... "Why did the medical people fail Tammy so badly?"... " How can I possibly go on without her?"... etc etc etc... Of course, all of those thoughts are valid and normal after a terrible loss like this. But, those constant thoughts also keep our world foggy, bleak and gray. Recently my thought patterns have changed. In part because of the revelation that maybe Tammy is actually still here... loving me and watching over me. I can't see her or hear or touch her but I believe she is here. Secondly, I draw strength from her courage in life. And I live my life influenced by her thoughts and deeds. By her likes and desires. I do things a bit more through her eyes now. I find myself laughing more easily. I'm becoming a little more comfortable in my new "life without Tammy" skin. It still hurts badly, and the tears still flow often, but... I am starting to see the world as a bit less cold and a bit sunnier. I have my sweet Tam Tam to thank for that! I love her all the way to the moon and back for infinity. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Dear Mitch, I am very glad to read that you have that revelation from Tammy's presence and that it gave you a new hope/way in your journey. Seeing the world a bit sunnier is very significant. I noticed you changed the tone of your posts. This is good. I'm very glad for you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 1 hour ago, scba said: I noticed you changed the tone of your posts. This is good. I'm very glad for you. Yes, and it's wonderful to see the beautiful picture of your beloved Tammy, too, Mitch! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Thanks for saying that Marty. She had the most amazing smile and her laugh was contagious (in a good way!). 1 hour ago, scba said: Dear Mitch, I am very glad to read that you have that revelation from Tammy's presence and that it gave you a new hope/way in your journey. Seeing the world a bit sunnier is very significant. I noticed you changed the tone of your posts. This is good. I'm very glad for you. Thanks Ana. I am seeing my life in a somewhat more positive light but it's still baby steps. When I was changing my profile pic and looking through some pictures of Tammy, I started crying so hard and was drooling like a baby. Probably not a pretty sight. I look at those pictures and wonder how I got so lucky and then wonder why she's not here. Of course, a few months ago those moments lasted longer and were more frequent. I seem to be able to bounce back quicker now. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Nice picture Mitch! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Mitch, BEAUTIFUL picture of Tammy! I can see all that you love in her, in her beautiful smile and eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Mitch, I love the picture and she is so happy. Seeing any breakthrough in your daily feelings gives hope to us all. I wish peace for all of us. Grieving is such hard, exhausting work. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 I agree, I really like the picture of Tammy. Such a beautiful smile! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 How do you know that you don't fit? When you meet friends and nobody asks you anything. But you know what, it doesn't hurt me anymore, I got used to. I became a listener, sort of, cause I am not truly listening to their stories either. I nod, I make questions and comments. It is the way it is. It is not good to isolate, but this is the other side of the coin. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Ana It's like how can you ever fit at all? When you are shattered and so affected by loss, you will never be as they are. Awkwardness at first leads to the elephant in the room soon after, till no one remembers any possible reason why you're not happy today. Sometimes you feel like a leper who should go to the leper colony where you belong. Slowly as we adapt and learn to "blend", we can mingle and mix with the best of them. When we want to talk about what hurts and why we're sad, we just go back to the colony. We can hob knob with our fellow wizards. I say wizards because we are wiser than they could possibly realize. We have learned what they could never imagine. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Unfortunately, or in my case, I find I fit in more now than I did when I mentioned it was anniversary #50, 51, 52, 53, and finally 54. My friends, most did not make that long and if I mentioned it, I was afraid I would be a reminder that they would have no more and I did not want to lord my happiness over them. So my grief now just follows along behind them and the 2-3 couples left, I know they are feeling like I did, and what should be a joyous celebration is quietly mentioned. I knew I should feel lucky, quietly we did. We never celebrated in a big way though. We were never big celebrators of birthdays, Father's Day, Mother's Day, so, the days will come and go, We will miss giving presents to Billy the Kid. You youngsters though, my grief is just as great as yours and I miss Billy as much (and in MY own feelings) more than you. Of course that is MY feelings. So in my group of friends, I fit in more than I used to. I'm not happy about that, but the older you get, you fall into ordered disorder. I am sorry. One of my friends, and a relative will quietly celebrate. She publicly pulled him through prostate cancer, but now dementia has taken over and she is no longer remembering holidays, each day is a new trial, like it is where I am fixing to go and wrestle my mom to her potty chair, to her wheelchair, to her seat on the couch, making her oatmeal with marshmallows, honey, condensed milk, and finally her scoop of butter pecan ice cream on top. Should we be concerned that it is the wrong nutrients? Probably not. Also a cut up banana. Next month I have to be gone, I don't know how things will play out then. If I had my choice she would have 24 hour professional care. That would be in a perfect world........which this is not. Honor thy father and thy mother. One of the commandments. Like I said, I have not killed anyone, yet. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Thank you Stephen and Marg. I feel like everything has been stolen from me since then. After all, what is exactly that remains? I've been said that God/life does not give you more than you can handle. He told me once: "Being together means our lives won't be normal". He could see farther than me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Margaret, I'd only be concerned if she's diabetic or has cancer. It was hard to get my mom to eat a tiny bite of food, but she'd drink stuff, so we got her Ensure. I had to call a halt to the dementia care facility feeding her milkshakes. I went round and round with them until she went to the hospital and the doctors wanted to know why her blood sugar was sky high (she was diabetic). I told them and somehow they got through to the dementia care facility and they said I had to bring in the ensure, they couldn't provide it. ??? But they could provide three meals a day for her that got thrown away? This is the bad side of institutions, no common sense. About your missing Billy more than others miss their spouse...I think ALL of us consider our loss the greatest because to US it is! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Dear Kay and Marg, My heart is with you. It is still fresh in my mind the experience with my last grandma alive. She had two strokes and had diabetes. She became a widow at the age of 55 and his son died too years later. Then, she decided to stop going to the doctor because her idea was: "if I have a stroke, I will die right away". She didn't take care of her diabetes anymore and ate whatever pleased her. She had the strokes. She survived 5 years being disabled, in a nursing home. I hated that institution too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 "Of course that is MY feelings" Each of us suffer through this hard work of grief. Mine is not better or worse to anyone but me. I certainly now have empathy for others. I do have a feeling of being blessed to have had him so long, but I did not want to ever give him up. I also was blessed with many milestones others did not have. If I had it to do all over again, I would only change one thing. Two years ago this month I went to the doctor, x-rays, MRI done. Treated for the UTI. Went two weeks with over 101 temp. Had just gone to the clinic in the morning. UTI Bactrim again. Billy wanted me to go to ER. Both kids were there. Nope, I was not going. Then I lost consciousness and they called the ambulance. I remember nothing of the first week. Overall sepsis, ruptured intestines. Same thing that killed Patty Duke. They put Billy on alert that I might not make it. This morning I am not feeling thankful. My sister told me Mama was not eating her breakfast. I fixed the usual concoction, Big bowl. She ate the whole thing. We are all odd creatures. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 5 hours ago, scba said: I've been said that God/life does not give you more than you can handle. My reaction to that statement has always been whoever said it never got more than they could handle. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Yeah, I got that, Margaret. I was agreeing with you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 19 hours ago, KATPILOT said: Ana It's like how can you ever fit at all? When you are shattered and so affected by loss, you will never be as they are. Awkwardness at first leads to the elephant in the room soon after, till no one remembers any possible reason why you're not happy today. Sometimes you feel like a leper who should go to the leper colony where you belong. Slowly as we adapt and learn to "blend", we can mingle and mix with the best of them. When we want to talk about what hurts and why we're sad, we just go back to the colony. We can hob knob with our fellow wizards. I say wizards because we are wiser than they could possibly realize. We have learned what they could never imagine. I woke up and I can't go back to sleep. I am still thinking about the gathering of the other night. I said it didn't affect me, I was wrong. I felt so like a leper. Being a widow, still being sad, being jobless and childless are among the requirements. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Hope you got back to sleep, Ana. It's the nights that are the darker, and I don't mean lack of light. You're not a leper, your a woman in tremendous pain. I'm up too. Not usual anymore. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Thank you Gwen. I couldn't fall asleep until 5.30am. It is true that once you wake up, your mind starts to run a marathon. It went to the point that I opened the Bible to find out where it is written that God give us what we can handle. I don't intend to start a discussion on this or offend anyone. What happened is a normal reaction caused by grief. Next time I'll use an app I had for meditation to relax. Or read an insurance policy as someone has suggested here as a remedy to go back to sleep. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Ana - I don't think the the platitude about God not giving us more than we can handle is in the Bible. I think it is just one of those catch phrases that sounds comforting although I find it down right offensive. If it were true death, including suicides, would be nonexistent. God did not kill my bride just so I could learn how strong I can be. God certainly did not give Deedo lung cancer to test her mettle. But to the naive and ignorant (those lucky souls who don't know grief at the intensity we do) who also lack critical thinking skills, it sounds comforting. I am still at the stage where I try to educate but I probably alienate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Actually it is, in 1 Corinthians 10, but it is regarding temptation so not applicable in this situation. In fact, in 2 Corinthians 1:8 Paul tells the Corinthians “For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself” ! Therefore, when someone hands you the platitude that God does not give us more than we can bear, you can hand it right back to them and tell them it's a misapplication in its usage. Further, and I don't think I'm stretching it here, if God WERE to say something like that to us, it would be to point us to HIM for strength and undergirding, not leave us hanging on our own in our despair. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 My personal problem is that these platitudes in the form of "His burden/His plan/His will" are told to me by very Catholic people! I was raised in a Catholic school but my concept of God changed. I said that I didn't agree with that statement because it was not fair, for example, for victims or survivors of war or terrorism, and I had that look of: don't start, please. Jane Austen put in the mouth of one of her characters: "If you have nothing pleasant to say, stick to the weather". I will do. I found Corinthians! Thank you Kay! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 BTW, if anyone quotes you the "God helps those who help themselves", that's not in the Bible either. Ben Franklin used to say it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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