Judging people

[Mom's angel]

Do you guys think that if a person is crying all day and having a sad face everywhere he/she goes, then he/she is more into the grief of the lost beloved one?

When I was younger and saw fictional deaths I used to believe that if you truly love a person you'll cry cry cry cry and cry over their loss and if you don't love them that much then you'll be fine.

Do people really judge our love for the lost beloved one on the basis of how much sad we are ?

What do you guys prefer, faking a smile in front of others and let them think you're okay or showing up your true feelings and crying in front of others and let them know the truth?

[KATPILOT]

A little of both. It depends on the group. I thought at first that I could not hide my feelings. I felt I needed to show who I was and perhaps I didn't have the strength to hide behind a made up smile. I learned how when I saw the reactions of certain people as the months passed by.

One of the worst things people can do is  judge someone's love by how much they cry. That is a  very flawed assessment.  

[scba]

Dear Mom's Angel,

This is my very personal opinion. I think that tears are not exclusively a sign of deep love. In my loss experience, I'm the one who cries, and openly cries, and my mother in law doesn't. She lost her son, she should cry histerically or at least weep. She doesn't. She believes that if she does, she will upset his son. And she truly loves her son. Each of us deals differently regarding tears.

Grief is complicated and not rational or fair in judgment. People cope differently. Some prefer to hide/evade sadness. My cousin, who lost her father at a young age, hide hers because that is her personality. My aunt did the same. I did not, for example. My brother in law did. My father in law didn't. My mother was forced to when her father died, it was not a good behaviour once to talk about grief and the deceased.

I surely prefer to show openly my emotions. But this is not always possible. The truth is very awful and very few can witness and understand. For instance, I protect my parents showing them that I'm fine. But surely they know I'm faking it. I had to learn to hide my emotions if I wanted to go back to the outside-world. It is very complicated to find a balance cause we are hurting and our hearts are broken.

 

 

[Margm]

In my way of thinking if you feel like crying,  cry.  Some people don't cry much.  One of my friends was angry.  My mom was angry at my dad for leaving her.  I get off in my truck alone and talk to Billy, sometimes I yell at him, sometimes I have to pull off the road.  Sometimes I am numb and force myself not to think.  I rehash things and think "if only" and that does not help.  I have walked in places still with tears.  I don't care what people think.  It is our own personal sorrow, to heck with what people think.  Not their business.  In the same way though, we don't know what personal demons they face.  If you feel like crying, no matter where you are, cry.  If someone asks, tell them you just lost your husband.  Enough said.

[Guest]

Mom's Angel

As been said earlier it really depends on the person.  I personally have little, if any, control of my emotions.  Early on if anyone, whether I knew them or not, said something like "How's it going?" a rather innocuous comment, I would burst into tears.  Eight months later I can give similar innocuous replies to strangers.  If people I know really want to know how I am coping; I cry.  My daughter is better at controlling her emotions and is far more selective who she will let into her grief.  We are both devastated, we are both deep in grief.  I think it is a mistake to use the volume of tears as a litmus test for grief.  My father-in-law lost his wife in the early 90's.  He was always a jokester and handled her death with joke after joke but over the course of the next seven years it was shocking for us to witness how torn up he remained.  Outwardly,  it appeared he had moved on the day after he lost his wife.  Inwardly, he never did; he grieved every day until his own death.

One of the many things I am learning in my own grief is I no longer care about the opinions of others.  Those who know this kind of grief get it; those who haven't learned it yet don't so consequently their opinions matter little.

You ask what I prefer: I prefer honesty in emotions.  When people really want to know how I am, I tell them.  My response to others is "I've been better."  If it makes them uncomfortable then I really don't have the energy to worry about them, I'm focusing solely on myself and my kids.

[hollowheart]

As Katpilot said, it depends on the group. For most, grief is personal. You don't have to actually weep and wail and fall out, but I will cry if I can't help it. I've cried in stores and run out. I've cried walking down the street. At times, my emotions and crying even depress me.

There's a part of me that will hold in those emotions around others because I am sad all the time, pretty much 87% of the day and I feel like I will alienate people around me. People are uncomfortable with grief and sadness. Those who may have their own office at work and can hide has it easier than someone who may work with the public and have to hold it together. I've had my manager tell me a couple of times that I look sad and depressed. I am sad and depressed! But in certain situations I can't or don't want to be seen that way.

However, if someone is looking sad all the time I would expect that and not judge. If they were back to being bubbly and themselves, I would not judge either, and assume the death was not as significant for them. If I knew the person who passed WAS of significance then I would think they are in denial, shock and just holding everything in. That would just make me sad.

[KATPILOT]

Sometimes you have a job to do which just can't include crying in front of your customers. It may take some time for certain but you kind of get forced to keep it together and fake a smile. I wonder about airline pilots. I wonder if they were to stay off the job for a year or two or maybe three. Or! Were they okay to fly? I'll bet somewhere on some flight people were greeted by the captain having no idea his bride died recently. If his first officer asked how he was doing........well, you get my point. Sometimes we just have to learn to suck it up and do our jobs. I was fortunate enough not to have to do that. I was able to surround myself with people who cared and allowed me to come unglued. I also know I stayed out of the cockpit for several months because it wasn't my lively hood. Makes you wonder when a surgeon can go back to work. I sure would have lost my job by then because I just didn't have that kind of strength. I worried about just being safe driving a car. Then I learned how to drive and cry at the same time (multi tasking). You just get better at your own pace being able to hold it together and oh yes,   fake it.

[MartyT]

Wonderful discussion, all. I think there's a difference between hiding your emotions and being in control of them. In early grief, it is virtually impossible (for most of us, as there are always exceptions) to control our thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is something we learn to do over time, depending on lots of different factors (who and what we have lost, our unique personality, our culture, what we were taught as children about crying, what we believe is appropriate behavior in public, how much of ourselves we're willing to expose and in which settings ~ the list goes on and on).

2 hours ago, Mom's angel said:

Do people really judge our love for the lost beloved one on the basis of how much sad we are ?

I think the article Ana suggested in another post addresses this matter of judging beautifully: Grieving Isn't Wallowing

Much has been written on this matter of crying: when it is appropriate and why it's harder or easier for some of us to do it. See, for example, these articles, and notice all the related ones that are listed at their bases:

Finding Crying Time in Grief

In Grief: When Tears Won't Come

[Froggie4635]

Thanks so much for acknowledging the article "Grieving isn't Wallowing".  I made it a point to not only print it out, but to print out another portion of it and highlight things for my attention.  I am guilty of applying that term to myself over and over again.  I am almost at 16 months, and trying to find a way to justify this feeling I continue to feel....no spark for anything.  I keep telling myself it isn't possible to STILL be in shock, but if it isn't shock, is it depression?  In my mind, someone who is depressed in a medical way, doesn't try to make sure they take care of things in their life...shower, eat, do laundry...those normal tasks we all must do.  I continue to try and reach out to those around me who are grieving...both in person and online.  I continue to try and educate myself on ways to bring movement...forward is best, but I know there is also slipping back.  I just still feel so muffled, and I am doing all the things that make up "grief work".  I think I so much want to NOT appear like a victim, that I perhaps am not delving deep enough into what lies beneath this feeling of "blah".  I don't feel sorry for myself....I don't feel much at all.  When I do something outside of my "comfort zone", I get VERY quiet.  I don't turn down all invitations to go or do something...but I find when I do go, I am not really good company.  I am still not allowing myself to think of Mark's death as something tragic and life-shattering.  I guess I am down-playing it to some extent.  Is why I keep thinking this is still a feeling of shock. So much to think about and come to terms with...

[mittam99]

A year into losing my Tammy, I'm finding I'm not crying quite as often. Before, I was completely consumed with sad grieving thoughts. Now I actually find myself thinking of my own future a bit. Of course, there are those many triggers and there is no way to avoid those flowing tears.

The thing is, in a way, I feel guilty that I am crying less. Sometimes, I actually will conjure up a thought that I know will instantly bring tears. I guess that's part of the guilt trip I'm on.

Mom's angel, as far as crying in front of people or faking it and "having a stiff upper lip"...

Just be true to yourself. It's all about what you're feeling. This grief journey is about you and no one else.

 

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I am still not allowing myself to think of Mark's death as something tragic and life-shattering.

I want to thank Marty for that "grieving is not wallowing" article too. I had not seen that one before. Froggie, this is a good line, because after reading that article I feel like a lot of how I feel and have felt was acknowledged. I know we want to help each other, but I know when I'm down or angry or sad about all this it's nice when someone goes "Yep, I agree with you. I feel the same way."

It's refreshing to just be agreed with, and not be told "you seem depressed." Gee, do I?  Yes, this is "tragic and life-shattering"  and by life shattering that means for the rest of our lives we will feel this tremendous loss and pain and suffering.

It won't be as bad as it once was, but I know I will grieve for the rest of my life. And that is something people don't want to hear because they see that as just not wanting to get better or get over it.

you mentioned being out of your "comfort zone" and I realized I used to be able to handle this better when I knew my actual comfort zone was waiting for me. This loss gives me that "you got nothing else" feeling, and that is not a good feeling to have.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

One of the many things I am learning in my own grief is I no longer care about the opinions of others.  Those who know this kind of grief get it; those who haven't learned it yet don't so consequently their opinions matter little.

Truer words were never spoken.  As I get further into this with time passing, I am becoming an expert at quickly deciding who's thoughts are helpful and who's are not.  If they are not....bye bye.  

3 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

 I don't feel sorry for myself....I don't feel much at all.  When I do something outside of my "comfort zone", I get VERY quiet.  

I don't turn down all invitations to go or do something...but I find when I do go, I am not really good company.  I am still not allowing myself to think of Mark's death as something tragic and life-shattering.  I guess I am down-playing it to some extent.  Is why I keep thinking this is still a feeling of shock. So much to think about and come to terms with...

Comfort zones have shifted dramatically for me.  I do so little from what I used to and even then it is draining.  I notice I am not as congenial as I was.  Since my biggest activity is volunteering, it makes a difference.  I am more quiet too.  I think that is because I feel sometimes there are no more words.  I've said them all about this pain.  Then it will morph into another phase and more thoughts come with more words.  The 'wallowing' is a perfect example as the definition is totally different now.  Not a negative thing in relation to grief.

Maryann, I am guessing it still is some shock for you.  We are on the same time frame and I'm still amazed waking some days or coming home the slap in the face he is gone hits me as hard as ever.  I know it because of how long he has been gone, but it can be as cutting as that first week.  I don't understand it, but there isn't much I understand these days.  The whole world is like some kind of parallel universe where things are shifted just enough to make it surreal.  Not the place I used to live.  When I get frustrated with my new self I have to remind myself how tragic and life shattering this is.  It's not that I forget really, it just keeps blindsiding me relentlessly.  I'll be doing something that has my mind distracted for a bit and then get swallowed in grief.  It's my new roommate I never invited and won't leave or least back off.  If it were tangible at least I could are a real therapeutic swing at it or shove it around a bit.  I hate fighting things I cannot get to be brave enough to face me and let me have my say.

[kayc]

Tears are no measure of our love or our grief.  In the beginning I cried way more than I now do, but now I've learned to carry my loss with me, inside of me, a continual realization of what and whom I am missing.  I don't choose to share it with others much, unless talking to someone I know "gets it", a fellow widower.  I know my family knows I continue to miss George, but I also don't think they have a clue what it feels to go around like this, nor would they unless they too experienced what I have...and I hope they don't have to.

It is nothing guilt-worthy that prompts us from tears into carrying sadness inside, it is just what we learn to do, part of our survival.  I don't think anyone COULD cry as much as they did at first...for the rest of their life, for their tears would cease to exist and their eyes would dry out long before those tears could be shed.  It is a fact of our bodies and how they operate, and no reflection on us.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

As I get further into this with time passing, I am becoming an expert at quickly deciding who's thoughts are helpful and who's are not.  If they are not....bye bye.  

Gwen... a while back I mentioned this but not as eloquently.

Since Tammy passed, I pretty much have zero tolerance for what I consider "bull$hit".

I think it's because we've all gone through the worse possible life event and have seen how fragile and unpredictable life is....

"Life's just too short so don't waste my time."

[WolfsKat]

As for myself.......I very, very rarely will cry in front of another......just how I am, and how I was raised.  Connor, my husband, was one of the few who witnessed me crying.....but, with him, it was "okay", and I did not feel the need to maintain artificial composure.  I cry daily......but only alone.

[Mom's angel]

Thank you all for replying. 

I hide my tears in front of my family, I cry in my room, many times I couldn't control and cried in front of them, the result was: they all started crying and were heartbroken. 

So I don't cry in front of them and try to act normal. That's okay, right?

At first I forced myself to not to cry in front of others and now my tears automatically shuts down when I'm with other people. 

 

[MartyT]

Of course it's okay, dear one. All this tells me is that you are feeling less out of control of your own emotions and better able to choose when and where to express them. But when your crying enables other family members to shed their own tears, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You're not forcing anyone else to cry; after all, their hearts are broken already. You're simply expressing your own sadness, which may be giving them permission to express their sadness in your presence, too. ♥

[hollowheart]

Mom's Angel, when I cried in front of my family they all cried and was heartbroken too. My mom said she would hear me crying and she would say it made her so sad. On one hand I feel like I don't care who hears me or sees me. I'm heartbroken and shattered and I feel like I have a right to be. But I don't like to make those sad around me.

It's ok to cry. You can't always hold them in. If you are around others and just not feeling sociable and feel like the tears won't stop then I hope you are able to just go home or be alone. Again, it depends on the company. Some will understand the tears, and some will just get weird about it.

[Mom's angel]

Marty, I never thought about it that way,

Marty and hollowheart thank you for understanding and replying