Not My Home

[Margm]

I've got your picture,
that you gave to me,
and it's signed with love,
just like it used to be.

I've got the records,
that we used to share,
and they still sound the same,
as when you were here.

I got your memory,
or, has it got me?
I really dont know,
but i know is it wont let me be.

I've got your class ring, 
that proved you care,
and it looks the same,
as when you gave it dear.

The only thing different, the only thing new
I've got these little things, but they are not you.

Okay, Patsy Cline, I took some changing of the last words.  Cannot get this out of my mind.  I woke up at 4:30 a.m., not sleeping in our bed.  We have company and they have changed the house around.  Changed things in the bathrooms.  Have some bills to pay.  They wanted to go up on my  house notes because of $350 not in escrow.  But, I had a check as a refund from someone for $350, and I hope next year I won't be paying these house notes.  

Dr. Seuss said he did not like this hat.  Well, I don't like this house.  Things started out fairly good, some of the company left.  After I do the bills I can start on the house.  I am not taking the bed.  The bed has lasted longer than most marriages.  I will sleep in a twin bed.  It is not too easy to reach for Billy in it.  Miss him like I would miss both arms and legs.  I felt safe in the cubbyhole my daughter allowed me to hide in.  There are memories at every turn.  Yes, I will start over with new dishes, silverware (or stainless steel in this case), new everything but his clothes I will pack.  The pictures I will pack.  All memento's I will pack. His hobbies I will pack.  I will not save all his dog training books.  Don't plan on using them. I will label each box.

This is a revision of my original note from last night.  I was tired.  Went through a month's worth of mail.  And, I told Billy, if he wanted me to have the apartment for him to help me.  As it was, I was at an impasse on apartments.  The big city close (Shreveport/Bossier) I could not get a good feeling for.  These apartments were here when we last lived in the small Louisiana town.  Lots bigger than Mount Ida.  Lots of good memories in this small city. Our roots are very deep in this parish.  I set my sights on these brick apartments.  Two layer, probably about 50-60 or more apartments.  Beautiful park in the middle with swimming pool in perfect repair.  Looks new.  The apartments look new.  They are kept up perfect.  No trash laying around, or trashy people. Sidewalks all around and if it breaks they fix it immediately. They stay full.  Manager called me yesterday. A young woman had to leave for another city, long time tenant.  (ground floor) An ideal apartment across from the office, across from the park, and she said older people lived around me.  I met one woman that is fixing to have a baby boy. (Of course she is a young woman). She told me she would try to keep him quiet.  I told her to let him cry all he wanted to.  I am in these apartments because the street I live on, though the most beautiful setting anyone could ever want, it is quiet, nine houses with five widows living here.  I want to live life, I want life all around me close.   I want to hear life. I will be getting rid of everything.   

[kayc]

It sounds like things are shaping up for you, Margaret.  I wish you well in your new place.

[WolfsKat]

Marg, I so hope that a new place will be the start of a better life for you.......it does sound like a very good place!  Best wishes & blessings!

[brat#2]

Marg - sounds like a wonderful place and if you want life around you it sounds like you will have.  It's not going to be easy, but Good luck and wishing all goes as planned. Hugs

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Picture must have been taken in the 1970's.  Daughter took picture, she was probably about nine.  I won't look at anymore pictures, just throw them in a box.  

[WolfsKat]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Picture must have been taken in the 1970's.  Daughter took picture, she was probably about nine.  I won't look at anymore pictures, just throw them in a box.  

Is that your husband, Marg????  Good looking guy!!!!

[Margm]

That is our son, when he was just a teenager, in the 1970's, do not know what year, Billy and myself.  I was still in bed because I worked nights.  

[Margm]

I am going to put this on my site, although it should go somewhere else.  I have so many things pulling me every which way.  The things I face in this house are unbelievable.  I am ready to get our stuff out and just burn the house down.  (If it does burn down this is not an admission of guilt).  I walked down the street to get the mail.  I saw the curtains pulled back and I kept on walking.  What a two faced cruel person I am.  Bob passed away Christmas Eve.  Billy and Bob could talk for hours.  Their house is bigger than ours, and it is beautiful.  I look at it and wonder if she is afraid to leave it.  Damn.......yes, I have got to go talk to her.  I don't want to.  She is gonna bleed all over me.  Yep, she did.  She is frightened, alone, one child and a couple of grandchildren.  I hope Bob and Billy are happy.  I did my best.  I am such a coward.  Yes, she did bring me down.  She and Bob had been married 55 years.  She started "going" with him when she was 14 and he was 15.  They are probably a year or so older than Billy and me.  Carolyn is suffering.  She has a grief counselor.  They tell her it will get easier.  I told her I did not know about that, but you do  go through periods of numbness.  She assured me she was not suicidal, but she wanted to die.  I did my best.  I told her that with time sometimes you can handle it better, but the pain is still there.  Now, I am haunted.  Damn that Billy and Bob leaving us two old women.

As an addendum, she is wanting to go to an apartment also, the house is not holding her.  

[Margm]

This is me.  I was up at 4:30 a.m.  This is me going to bed and have to go to the big city tomorrow.  I love my truck.  I love word salads.