R.Everit55 Posted April 10, 2016 Report Share Posted April 10, 2016 Last night was pure agony. It was 15 months since my Mary died. Guilt overwhelmed me. Even though I knew her wishes and she was aware enough to just look in my eyes in answer to my "it's time isn't it?" So I knew the answer was yes, and her tears fell into my hand I feel like it wasn't time yet. But my brain knew it was time. My brain knew everything had shut down. My brain knew ALS had stolen everything from her in turn stealing her from me. So why do I feel guilty. Maybe because my heart is so full because OUR new granddaughter Gracie is here and fighting like a champ. And well for Gracie she should have her Grammy holding her too. OUR grandsons barely mention Grammy anymore. That in itself frightens me. We are a family unit and no one should forget her. But children I guess have a different time table. I've said this before. I HATE ALS with a passion. I have memories of when certain abilities were taken from my wife. And each more grueling than the previous. It's been 15 months. Why does it still hurt so much. My heart is so happy that we have Gracie and how strong she is fighting. But my heart is so broken that my bride is gone. It just hurts. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted April 10, 2016 Report Share Posted April 10, 2016 So happy for your family and Gracie. So sad we are all having such a hard time with our losses. I wish my mind was that of a child and maybe I could leave some of the grief behind. I remember my grandparents passing and as much as I loved them, I do not remember this hurt. I wish we could all have the peaceful mind of children. I am so happy for Gracie. She is beautiful. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted April 10, 2016 Report Share Posted April 10, 2016 I'm glad too to hear that Gracie is getting better, she is a fighter. When my dad passed away I was 11 years old. I remember that I cried and was sad, I had dreams with him in which he spoke to me (just the two of us, but never remember what he said). I never forgot him, but life went on. I'm still sad that he died, he was 60 years old and he would love to retire and look after his family. I would have loved to have him more in my life. He had a horrible childhood as an immigrant and family was everything in his life. Now I understand why my grandma's life was never the same after he died. She survived for 25 years more, and she survived, clearly her life was never the same again and she didn't manage grief very well. When I was 11 I didn't mention granpa just to not upset mum and grandma. Perhaps your grandsons do the same. Maybe they don't want to mention her unless you do and they see that you are fine with that. Just a thought.... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2016 I think kids are so resilient. But trying to protect me and their Dad may be it too. I refuse to let them forget her. But I don't want them upset either. I wish all of us spouses could "forget" as easily as children. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 10, 2016 Report Share Posted April 10, 2016 Butch, I think children are more resilient than we are. Over the years you can keep her alive with them by telling them stories about her and telling Gracie how much her grammy would have loved her. My father died before my kids were born so that's what I did with them. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 11, 2016 Report Share Posted April 11, 2016 Maybe you're all trying too hard to protect one another from the pain and sorrow, Butch. Your grandchildren can handle your sorrow, as long as they know they are not the reason for it. They just need for you to explain that when they see you feeling sad or tearful, it's not because of something they did or didn't do, but because you miss their Grammy so much. This teaches them that it's okay to miss someone you love so much. That's a far better lesson than teaching them to stuff and hide from their feelings, or even worse, letting them think that you don't care enough to miss your beloved and cry over her absence! As Kay says, they won't forget their Grammy as long as you keep her memory alive ~ by talking about her often, looking at pictures of her together, and sharing your memories of her with them. More than anything else, kids need to know they are loved and safe and that someone will always be there to take care of them. As we have come to know your family, I am certain that your grandsons know all of that, which is probably why it seems to you as if they don't miss their Grammy nearly as much as you do. The love of your life is gone, but they are still surrounded by family members who love them. And there is nothing wrong with letting them know that, as much as you share in the joy of the birth of their precious baby sister, your heart is still broken and you still hurt because you love and miss their Grammy so much. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2016 When I tucked the boys in bed this evening I asked them if they are forgetting their Grammy and they both said no. They said they don't want to make me and their dad sad because they worry we will go away. I assured them we aren't going anywhere and we all want them to openly remember their Grammy. I will set aside special time when we sit down and talk about things. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 Stories... my Ron was such a part of operations at our shop... or even family. I tell stories. Or memories. Or his advice. I even still use present tense, I notice. "Ron says to do it this way". Maybe they think I'm crazy, and maybe I am, but I'm told I'm allowed to be. Everyone looks at me wide-eyed like I shouldn't mention him. But I have to, I want to even though it hurts, it keeps him close. When I visit my parents, they tell stories about the grandparents, and my brother who died a couple of years ago. It's kind of a shock for the other side hearing it at first, but it brings them back into our lives, it keeps them alive inside us. I really, really don't want anyone to forget him. Philosophically, I (used to? or still do? I'm not sure) believe that nobody really dies until there is nobody left to remember and love them. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 I tend to use present tense too. It just feels more natural. I haven't noticed if people look at me wierd. If they do, I know I wouldn't care. He is alive in me. It's not enough, but all I have. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 Little Gracie is badly in need of prayer. Only Katie & Allen are allowed to be with her right now. Please pray as her life hangs in the balance...I just don't want Butch to lose another family member, he's lost so many already. None of us have answers, but if hope turns heaven's hand, then I hold out hope for that family right now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 Praying God be with little Gracie and all of her family. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 We are all holding the family in our prayers. Thank you, Kay, for keeping us updated. Anne 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted April 18, 2016 Report Share Posted April 18, 2016 Praying 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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