Overwhelming Guilt

[Ultravox70]

I just lost my wife of 14 years to a long battle with cancer.  I am burdened by extreme guilt.  I left her for another woman while my wife was in stage 3 cancer.  The treatments, fights with her family, and a career became to be too much to me.

She recovered and was in phenomenal shape.  We were separated and I was with the other woman (who didnt know I was married).  

 She then got stage 4 cancer after about 10 months. I left my girlfriend to care for her as her family had abandoned her.  I cared for her about 5 months, taking care of her at my own and then visiting her in the hospital while she was recovering from double ostomy surgery.

We then got a joint divorce but it never went through. My wife passed away at her family's residence (they had taken her back).  

I got back together with my girlfriend but she had gotten a heart condition after finding out about everything. She and my wife were communicating with one another and it was nasty all around. We are working things out currently. She is all I have, now.

The last time I saw my wife was when she and some family members came to take her belongings from my house. We didn't say a word to each other.

Even my dogs are gone, one to cancer and the other put down at a shelter.

I wish I had done more. I wished I had stayed faithful and just cared for her more. I wished I had been able to hug her one last time. I wished I had been a better husband.

I think I exacerbated her illness. If I hadn't strayed she would still be here. If only you knew the attachment she had for me.

** This is an extremely abridged version of events that had transpired over a period of 15 months or so.

[kayc]

I see there have been 45 views and no replies.  That's not because people don't care, but because they just don't know what to say.  That is a LOT to go through.  You are living with a lot of regrets and guilt and that is tough.  At some point you're going to have to forgive yourself and work on understanding yourself.  Have you found a good grief counselor yet?  Because that's an essential step towards being able to process all that has taken place and know what steps to take from here.  I do hope you will start looking for one and make an appt. today, but make sure they are someone who specializes in grief because not all counselors are equal and the same.

While it's hard that you left your wife while she had cancer, you did come back and take care of her, and I'm sure you had time to say some things to each other during that time to bring some resolution and healing or at least understanding, in the relationship during that time.  Having marital problems doesn't just disappear and turn rosy just because one of the persons gets ill.  If anything, having a devastating illness adds more stress to the mix.  Sometimes a person just feels they can't handle any more and runs away from the problems or wants a break, some respite from them.  But you came back, and that is essential to realize about yourself.

I'm so sorry you lost your wife and your dogs, you must be feeling like everything good in your life just disappears.

Having begun your current relationship on the foundation of a lie, the omission of telling her you were married, it may take some professional counseling to sort things out.  It may mean having to work through some things together.

I am glad you came here and have voiced yourself, it's so important to let it out and not bottle it up.  You say your GF is all you have, do you not have any family, friends?

You are hurting and it's important to recognize that hurt and learn how to best care for yourself.  Sometimes we look to other people to care for us when really, it needs to start with us.  One of the most important things I've learned on my grief journey is self-care.

I wish you the best as you traverse the intricacies of your situation and find the steps towards healing.

[Ultravox70]

Thank you for the reply. I understand that it begins with myself, but that is a difficult thing to do. I judge myself on what my wife would say to me now, and I don't like the answer.

I do not have family at all.  I have friends who have been supportive of me. 

 

[Margm]

I suffered terrible guilt because my husband held out his beautiful hands to me letting me know he had to give up.  I shoved them down.  I was angry.  He was not supposed to give up.  We were going to have a miracle.  He loved to be held.  The last act in his life, I did not hold him.  Fifty-four years of marriage and this last act, I did not hold him.  He was not supposed to die.  They had told us  months.  He had pulled me through two miracles, I was going to pull him through this one.  I have not talked about this, and block it out of my mind when it comes to my mind since my early days on this forum.  But, the guilt always runs deep..  His last act in life, I let him down.  Since then, I have convinced myself he understood.  The thing is, I don't understand, and I cry when I go into it like I am right now.  Our son told me the other day that once when I was fussing at his daddy, my husband, saw our son wanted to come back with a fussing reply at me.  I was in the kitchen so I did not hear what went on.  Billy told our son "don't say anything, your mama gets a pass."   So, maybe your wife forgives you.  I think Billy forgives me.  I just cannot yet forgive myself, and I hope one day to be able to tell him how sorry I am.  I believe he knows it.  Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves first.  Good luck and peace our fellow griever.  

[kevin]

UltraFox.....nobody Judges you harder than you Judge yourself.  So moving ahead , and you must,you  have to look inside your soul and see what you can change in the future........I don't envy your situation ..If it means anything, you get a little wiser with age and tend to avoid those issues...good luck

[kayc]

Margaret,

I agree.  Their perspective would be different on the other side than here, more encompassing.  And Kevin, you are so right, we can be our worst critics.

[MartyT]

You may find this webinar of interest, since the topic is The Power of Forgiveness.

 

[Cookie]

On April 12, 2016 at 0:32 PM, Marg M said:

I suffered terrible guilt because my husband held out his beautiful hands to me letting me know he had to give up.  I shoved them down.  I was angry.  He was not supposed to give up.  We were going to have a miracle.  He loved to be held.  The last act in his life, I did not hold him.  Fifty-four years of marriage and this last act, I did not hold him.  He was not supposed to die.  They had told us  months.  He had pulled me through two miracles, I was going to pull him through this one.  I have not talked about this, and block it out of my mind when it comes to my mind since my early days on this forum.  But, the guilt always runs deep..  His last act in life, I let him down.  Since then, I have convinced myself he understood.  The thing is, I don't understand, and I cry when I go into it like I am right now.  Our son told me the other day that once when I was fussing at his daddy, my husband, saw our son wanted to come back with a fussing reply at me.  I was in the kitchen so I did not hear what went on.  Billy told our son "don't say anything, your mama gets a pass."   So, maybe your wife forgives you.  I think Billy forgives me.  I just cannot yet forgive myself, and I hope one day to be able to tell him how sorry I am.  I believe he knows it.  Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves first.  Good luck and peace our fellow griever.  

Marg:  I also feel a lot of guilt at my husband's death because instead of loving him out of this world, I was trying to revive him--hitting his chest, calling to him to come back, trying to do CPR.  Wasted a lot of time when I could have been just loving him.  Part of it was because he had been functioning somewhat, trying to play music with my daughter and telling jokes and laughing.  Then we went to bed and he died.  My rational side knew he was dying, but my emotional side could not accept it.  So, my rational side says I was just shocked and he would understand, and my emotional side is just sick at heart at the way it ended.  I know he knew I couldn't bear to live without him; that's why he waited 2 weeks to tell me that his cancer had recurred.  It's all so sad......

[Margm]

@Cookie:  Billy knew.  He knew I knew.  I was not going to accept it.  I was going to perform a miracle.  I had the power, I was God, I was going to cure him.  Only Billy knew.  He knew I could not/would not accept it.  We did not discuss it.  I can see us at night, me holding him and telling him that I could not live without him.  He would always say "I know." and that is all he would say.  But that one time he did tell me that the one left had to stay.  I didn't want to stay.  I wanted to go too.  I was just scared if I took my own life I might not be with Billy.  I come from a strict religion that I did not practice for years, but the religious teachings were etched in my brain.  I still have some miles to go before I reach the faith I want to have.  I want what my mama said from the Bible, "peace that passes all understanding."  I think that is all any of us want.  Forgiving ourselves is hard.  But, we both know our mates would have been the first to forgive us.  The fact of the matter is, they both would see nothing to forgive.  It is a given.

[Margm]

@Cookie:  I had two good friends who went to sleep with a healthy husband, relatively young, in their late 60's or middle 60's and they woke up with their husbands gone.  I cannot even imagine their pain.  Well, yes I can.  I graduated with one of these guys.  They had no idea they were ill.  We knew Billy had back trouble, but had no idea he was so sick and a brain aneurysm on top of the cancer.  Cannot change a thing.  Once it is gone, we can only feel their presence sometimes and I have blocked Billy's when I know I should have been looking for him.  My faith and my brain were dead also.  My fingers are not, unfortunately.

[kayc]

Marty, I just watched that webinar yesterday.  The sound wasn't good but the content was worth persevering.  Oddly enough, it was identical to the sermon we had at church Sunday night!  It's what I've learned over my lifetime and know to be true about forgiveness.

[Patty65]

I was told once long ago - actually by the same therapist I am back with now - that it is easier to feel guilty and blame ourselves than it is to accept the reality that such horrible things are out there and were/are so out of our control, so life-altering.  Feeling that ultimate helplessness, she said, is harder than blaming ourselves.  That these things can just happen. Anytime, anywhere. I haven't even come close to mastering forgiveness of myself.  The reality of being so out of control must still be too strong.

Patty

[kevin]

Guilt I have a hard time identifying with.....my plans were setting Angela up financially  because I truly believed I had the short Life Line. If there was anything I regret is we should have started on the Bucket list quicker which is now in progress. My lessons learned is don't put any good idea off and always stay moving. A little advice for all of us, after what we all have been through, we have to learn to let Grief and Joy coexist together......

[kayc]

Patty, have you checked out the forgiveness webinar Marty posted a link to?  It was good, I just listened to it a couple of days ago.

[Patty65]

I had my finger over the "play" button after I read your post about it.  But I haven't pushed it yet.  I want to, I will.  I think when I am safe under a blanket 

[Cookie]

On ‎04‎/‎14‎/‎2016 at 2:31 PM, Marg M said:

@Cookie:  Billy knew.  He knew I knew.  I was not going to accept it.  I was going to perform a miracle.  I had the power, I was God, I was going to cure him.  Only Billy knew.  He knew I could not/would not accept it.  We did not discuss it.  I can see us at night, me holding him and telling him that I could not live without him.  He would always say "I know." and that is all he would say.  But that one time he did tell me that the one left had to stay.  I didn't want to stay.  I wanted to go too.  I was just scared if I took my own life I might not be with Billy.  I come from a strict religion that I did not practice for years, but the religious teachings were etched in my brain.  I still have some miles to go before I reach the faith I want to have.  I want what my mama said from the Bible, "peace that passes all understanding."  I think that is all any of us want.  Forgiving ourselves is hard.  But, we both know our mates would have been the first to forgive us.  The fact of the matter is, they both would see nothing to forgive.  It is a given.

Marg:  I also told my husband I couldn't live without him and that I wanted to go with him.  He said that this wasn't my journey and that he wanted me to live and be happy.  I still resent that you could spend 46 years with someone and all of a sudden it's not your journey.  I know that probably sounds childish.  I feel very childish about all this sometimes.  Yes, I know he's gone for good, but my heart does not want to accept it still, and I know he would tell me I did nothing wrong, but I want to actually hear it from it.  You know what I mean?  Crazy thinking I know.  Thanks for your feedback.  You are right, of course about the forgiving....warmly Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, I think we have to open our hearts to a lot of things that we cannot accept yet.  Mine is as closed as my mind.  I move through the day for my granddaughter.  She lost the only daddy she will ever know and her granddaddy at the same time.  I feel him closer to me just having her here with me.  She was his heart.  When I buy her something she says "Mamol, one day I will pay you back."  She does not ask for anything.  I told her that I did not buy it, her "Dade" bought it, he would want her to have it.  So, there are still good things in our life.  Sometimes we might even see them.  

[Patty65]

Wow.  Ron would always say too - if you go first, I will go too.  I always thought so much about that, but I never said it back, because I had my daughter.  Now, ironically, I agree with him.  Some days, I feel I'd ruin her life if I went. Other days, I think she's grown and heading into her last year of college, she has her life ahead of her, she'll find her happiness.  It's hard to admit all that. Uggh.  Marg, you were talking about your cancer in another thread.  With my kidney cancer, I had to have part of my kidney removed, and Ron flew between islands every day and night to be with me in the hospital.  Risked his job to stay home when I needed him.  I survived.  WHY did I get to survive and he did not? It's so so so unfair.  I wish we had talked more about all that might happen at the end.  With it in his brain, it was difficult for him.  But we were protecting each other too.  I should have known better. And I hadn't given up on saving him.  Me and my $%#&  $#%&^@! optimism. OK Kayc, I guess I better go watch that forgiveness video.

Patty

[Margm]

Patty, I survived two miracles.  I could not help Billy through even one.