If You're Going Through Hell

[brat#2]

Terri - I'm so glad you got it working right and that nothing happened to you.  I sure hope your car will be the last thing for awhile.  You know the saying "when it rains, it pours" and things like that always seem to happen at the same time.  I will try and work my "magic" again...lol  and keep my fingers crossed for you that it is something really simple, like a fuse or something and not actually your brakes.  Do you best not to worry about it too much tonight and have a good night watching your clear picture on your TV.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

I cannot be at Mt. Ida to pack.  Scott is pulling the RV out in the morning.  I am stuck here until the 22nd.  They don't want Kelli to even be on her computer (guess what she is doing right now).  She is a nurse (retired), and they are the worse patients.  Son will make his first trip in the RV down to this part of the country. 

I turned the electricity on in the apartment.  Yep, I was gonna do the whole thing in red and purple.  I didn't.  I don't have my furniture in it yet, tomorrow I will have the futon couch and the drop leaf table (small).  And guess what.  The most important thing.  The commode fits me perfect. 

Saw a shower curtain that is called something when the pictures of landscapes and wildlife are painted onto them to look like a mural.  There was a green tree and landscape that just reached out and grabbed me.  I put up my red rugs, I put up my red trash cans.  I have a beige trash can, beige thing you put in the bottom to keep me from falling, and big green rugs.  It is beautiful. 

I stayed a long time.  I heard water pipes and guess what, they weren't mine.  They played basketball across the street, the swimming pool was full, lots of people, lots of noise.  And, I did not mind at all.  Billy doesn't talk to me but I still talk to him.  I wonder if he is angry because it is an apartment. I had to do this.  He is not here to take care of me anymore and I have to do what I feel is best to take care of myself.  I don't want my kids taking care of me.   

[Gwenivere]

You're right, Marg.  We are in our own now.  We will always be influenced as was written by Kat, I think.  We may pick out things but they were a part of how we made choices.  Doubt Billy be mad, he has been released from emotions like that.  I've had a couple friends keep reminding me of that.   Like times I feel I failed Steve and feel guilt.  Steve would see nothing to forgive.  They know we did the best we could as the mere mortals we are faced with extraordinary circumstances.

[Margm]

Thanks Gwen.  No, he would not be angry or disappointed with me.  He knows I am doing my best.  I have had several "downs" but they are not staying.  Probably because my sister wants my opinion on what to do with mom.  I gave my opinion and that is not what she wanted to hear.  I cannot take care of my mom and she is at the point she needs full time 24-hour care.  My sister wants to share it, I am sure, and I am sure that is the Christian thing to do.  I am sorry, I do not feel guilty. I cannot pick up my mom and move her from place to place.  Things were not handled the way they should have been.  No one asked my opinion back then.  (I did not mind not giving my opinion, I was raising my family.)  If Mama had money like she used to have, she would be in a good place.  And, I know I can not set myself apart from this, but this is one situation I cannot handle.  Neither could have Billy. 

[Margm]

An apartment might not be a dream home.  It was never my dream home.  And, I have one little lock between me and whatever.  I will remedy that when I totally move in.  I have two fish fillet knives in little scabbards for protection.  Pig stickers.  Also a spray, but I want bear spray.  Actually, I am not afraid, too many people around.  No one around where I live now.  But crime is 0 where I live now and probably 95%; where I am moving.  I guess I look for excitement. 

As an addendum I was answering someone else somewhere else and it is 11:54 p.m.  Not sure where I am but I'm going to bed.

[kayc]

Terri, I went through that a few months ago, they sent me a kid that grew up on technology.  He was so sweet, he programmed everything for me, gave me his phone no. in case anything else goes wrong, he looked all of 19!  When I look at all those cables, I don't want to touch anything...but George wasn't any better, we relied on my son for that stuff and now he is nowhere nearby to be of any help.

Marg, at least someone else has to come fix whatever goes wrong, that sounds worth something to me!

[TerriL]

I forgot to mention---after all my panicking about not being able to move the TV and shelves out, it ended up that he didn't even need to do that! He hooked it all up without ever needing to get behind the unit. Maybe that's why i couldn't make that thing budge. Paul was on the other side of it pushing back, trying to tell me to leave it alone! HAHA! I did have to call tech support a bit later when I tried watching the satellite because my closed captioning was no longer there. Turns out I now have to turn it on and off through the satellite menu itself, not my TV remote. Every time you have to upgrade everything, there is some sort of complication. It works the way it used to but, at the same time, it doesn't. They change it just enough to totally confuse you all over again! On the bright side, I try to look at any difficulty as a chance to form new brain cells! Ssshhhh, don't deny me my fantasy, please! It's all that's keeping me going at this point.  

Marg, you are so brave. I don't know any other way to put it. To just pack up, put your old house on the market and venture to an apartment in another state on your own is such a courageous thing to do, especially in light of your other circumstances. I know for sure that I'd be having meltdowns. Heck, I have them anyway and I'm in the same house I've been in for over 31 years! I had a bad moment this morning. Two days ago, I had read an article in a magazine about this little spot on the West coast of Florida that was pretty cool and thought I'd look up more information online. It sounded like such a quaint and friendly community (the only downside being that they don't allow any pets other than service dogs---I'm an animal lover so I don't think I could live there). All of a sudden, here came the flood of emotions---all I wanted was to share it with Paul. I wanted to tell him about it and show him the pictures. I knew what he'd say, I could hear him so clearly in my head. "Well, pick a day and we can take a ride and go look at it." That's when you break down again. That realization that there won't be any more rides together. You won't be looking at new places to live as a couple any more. Without even a warning, these hopes and dreams were just stolen away from both of you. I'm feeling somewhat better now, but I still sit here bewildered half the time, wondering what hit us both and left me the lone survivor. 

Oh! And am I the only one who thinks like this? I was watching the NBC show Aquarius the other night, which centers on psycho Charles Manson and how he formed his "family" or whatever you want to call that heinous group of miscreants. I turned off the show before it was over because it suddenly dawned on me: that murderous scumbag, Manson, is still alive and breathing oxygen (on the taxpayers' dollars) at the age of 81 and my Paul was struck down at only 67. All Paul ever did was help people and make their lives better (mine included). There is no sense or logic in this world! I started watching the show because I was a young child during the 60s and remember the fashions and music but I doubt I'll watch again. 

Marg, please get a deadbolt lock or one of those alarms you hang on the door, so that if it should be opened, the alarm will go off and make a lot of noise. I'm sure you're fine, but I always believe in that old adage about an "ounce of prevention". 

[kayc]

I wish they wouldn't waste t.v. coverage on the likes of Charlie Manson.  Maybe he's changed, but then again, I kinda doubt it, he was crazy.  

Good point Terri, I'm sure Marg will have a deadbolt put in.  Hopefully there is security in the apt bldg.

 

[Margm]

Actually, we are responsible for our own security..  My windows are ground level,  I will have the stretch curtain rods top and bottom holding the lace curtains, on each one will be bells that ring loud.  I will have double locks for the door (my son has decided), I want my bear spray, I have heavy curtains over the lace curtains.  We have a state trooper that lives in one of the apartments with his car out front.  Believe it or not, I am not afraid.  There is no crime reported in these apartments, but the town itself might have some.  Certainly, Mount Ida where I am moving from has none.  I guess I prefer the excitement over deathly silence in Mount Ida. 

[TerriL]

I understand what you mean, Marg. Paul and I once had a house on five acres and it dawned on me that anyone could break in and the neighbors, who also had five acres apiece, would never hear or see a thing. The crime rate was much lower there, but still. And Paul would have to travel a two hour drive to work at the fire department. leaving me alone and knowing no one, for over 24 hours at a time. We moved back to our old home after a year! Fortunately, it had not sold yet. I have my alarm system here, a gun, and my common sense and I feel pretty safe here, too. It's more of a city/suburb atmosphere, but it's the devil I know. lol 

Speaking of devils, I'd place Manson right in that category. I don't think his kind of crazy is possible to change. HIs brain is permanently diseased. 

[Gwenivere]

Terri, I watched the first season of Aquarius and was recording the 2nd but have the same reaction.  Mostly the unfairness of who lives and who dies.  Before I lost Steve I was fascinated with people so off the grid of sanity and those that would follow them.  Now, its just a painful reminder that good people leave and evil ones live on.  Have no plans to watch any more of it.

[Margm]

People always thought I was odd because I wanted to know if anyone died in the movie.  They said "that's life, that is reality"  I told them I lived reality.  I want to see fairy tales and happy endings, or I won't watch it.  And yes, I like stupid bawdy stuff. 

[KATPILOT]

You have it right Marge. That is reality but when it hits close to home who wants it in their face. 

Yes there are some truly evil people on this earth but I believe the good out ways the bad every time. Sometimes when horrible things happen good people come out to help and the love we see makes us feel good about life and helps us turn off the evil that brought the good out to help. That's the best part of humanity. A few may kill many but many will save a few.

[Margm]

Steve sometimes I feel like I can fight the world, but for the past few months I feel like I want to hide under things and maybe fight later on.  In the meantime I watch Zootopia and Grace and Frankie.  I watched "Hello, my Name is Doris" with Sally Field.  Prefer "Smokie and the Bandit".  But love Sally Field.  Not sad.  Doris is not sad either. 

[kayc]

We get enough of reality, I too want fairy tales and happy endings, otherwise why watch it?  I could just skip it and think about my life!  I haven't heard of the show you guys were talking about, but I don't think I'd be interested either.

[KATPILOT]

Maybe that's why I've seen Zootopia so many times and why I still bought the dvd. In fact I bought two copies in case I want to watch it more than once.

[Margm]

Yep , we have it also.  I love Tommy Chong.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Zootopia?  Sounds like a great recommendation.  I think I need to get it for my son and I for Fathers' Day.

This is the first one with all the Dads gone.

I want to think they are together somewhere enjoying themselves.  No more pain, no more suffering, no more waiting; just peace and love.

 

 

[KATPILOT]

No kidding  Marge "I wish I had a memory like and elephant", but the sloths got me.  Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick  !

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

 

This is the first one with all the Dads gone.

I want to think they are together somewhere enjoying themselves.  No more pain, no more suffering, no more waiting; just peace and love.

 

 

Marita

I know it is a hard day for many of us. With husbands who you shared that day with your children, well that is just another loss too. Every one hang in there today, one of many bumps on the yearly road.

[TerriL]

I've never seen Zootopia, but one movie I will watch over and over and still laugh every time is "There's Something About Mary". Another is "Sixteen Candles". I've already told you all that Paul was 10 years older than me and I'd always drag him to movies like Sixteen Candles and Valley Girl (another one I LOVE) and he was surprised that he would actually enjoy them. Those movies became the ones we'd quote to each other all the time.  He'd tell me that living with me was like having a perennial teenager in the house. HAHA!!! I can't deny that there's me truth to that. I've always been of the mind that one may have to grow older, but not necessarily UP. Marg, I spent my teen years listening to Cheech and Chong's albums! I've never smoked weed in my life and yet, I thought they were a riot. Funny is funny. Another favorite of mine was George Carlin. I miss him! We could really use his straightforward, common sense point of view in this world right now. 

I finally saw that movie "Hello, My Name Is Doris" yesterday afternoon and although Doris isn't exactly like me, I completely identified with the scenes between Doris and her family members. The way they treat Doris and act as if they're so high and mighty----it really hit home. The scene where they barge right in and are going too "help" her and she finally screams at them---that reminded me so much of what happened right after Paul died. I'm not a hoarder, but I do collect books, since I'm an avid reader. It was a good movie and Sally Field, as usual, is such an amazing actress and a beautiful woman. (One beef: why is it that anytime the movies or TV shows want to portray someone with emotional problems or introverted tendencies, they automatically give them a cat/s as a pet/s? There are many people who own dogs who have emotional problems and many cat lovers who don't! It's things like that that perpetuate the unfair and untrue stereotypes towards cats.)

I'm thinking of all the Dads, Granddads, Godfathers today. A special shout out to my own late father and Paul (who was always like a dad to our goddaughter). 

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

(One beef: why is it that anytime the movies or TV shows want to portray someone with emotional problems or introverted tendencies, they automatically give them a cat/s as a pet/s? There are many people who own dogs who have emotional problems and many cat lovers who don't! It's things like that that perpetuate the unfair and untrue stereotypes towards cats.)

I love.  I love Billy.  I love my grandkids, I love my kids.  I feared my father, but I am sure I loved him too.  I even love my insane mother, who folks, that gal was strange before Alzheimer's was diagnosed.  I am her daughter, I am my dad's daughter (even if neither of them had red hair and freckles).  And, the apple does not fall far from the tree.    What I am saying is, Terri, I am as strange/emotionally unstable as they come.  Now tell me this, why do I not want to own an animal of any kind?  I like my daughter's dogs, I will not babysit them.  I just do not want to be responsible for any other living thing.  Maybe this is a grief side effect. 

[TerriL]

Marg,

Did you have animals all the time while growing up? Some people may not be wired to want to care for animals just as some people choose to not have children, pretty much for the same reason you mentioned. They don't want the responsibility and don't feel their lives are "less than" by being childless. I think everyone should do what they feel is best for them. We aren't all created the same way for the same things in life. I always had animals of one kind or another when i was growing up. I've had dogs, cats, hamsters, horses and we even had tropical dish and canaries for a while. My cat brigade kept me going after Paul passed away. I do worry about them more since Paul's passing and pray that nothing will happen to any of them in the near future. I just don't want to suffer another loss so soon. I'm beat up already. 

My main problem about the cat/dog thing in movies is that so many people seem to love dogs, but cats have a really crappy (and totally undeserved) reputation. I love dogs and all animals, but for 34 years now, I've had cats. My husband was hesitant in the beginning when I got the first one, but he also grew to love and appreciate them and when the dog next door would be yapping away uncontrollably while he was trying to watch a football game or race on TV, Paul would look over at one of our cats, curled up and sleeping peacefully. He'd say to me, "I actually prefer cats now." If someone thinks cats really are the way movies and TV depict them, they've never lived with them on a regular basis. And this is coming from a person who's cats have run the gamut from sweet and loving to wacko and nervous. Every one of them has trusted me though, because they can.  

[KarenK]

Growing up, I was only allowed to have birds and fish. BORING(for me anyway). As an adult, we had several dogs and cats. I love both, but am more of a "dog" person. Just never felt close to the cats. Cats are mystical and answer to no one. Our last cat hated dogs, except our old black lab, his best friend. I vowed after he went to "cat Heaven" that I would get a big dog and I did. I can not imagine otherwise. To me, she is not a responsibility, but a family member. That's just my preference, of course.

I don't think I've ever associated cats with a person with emotional problems, just someone who loves animals, but you are probably right about that, Terri.

[TerriL]

Karen, that's how I feel about animals. They are members of the family. I'd probably have a dog right now, too, except my cats are not dog lovers themselves. lol Paul and I had three cats for a while that we called our "Three Musketeers". When the oldest two passed away with six months of each other (with my husband's brother and my father passing away in between), we swore we would not have any more and just let the remaining cat, Stimpy Louise, live out her life and that would be it. We thought maybe we'd get a dog for a change. But, as luck would have it, several months after Sniglet passed away in 2003, our cat Pumpkin showed up in our backyard hedges with kittens in tow and it's how we ended up presently owning four. Our youngest, the only boy, Frankie, showed up in our hedges back in 2013. I really need to chop down those hedges! Haha! 

Next time you watch movies where the protagonist is awkward, a social misfit, can't get a date, that kind of thing, you watch what kind of pet they will own. Nine times out of ten, it will be a cat. The stereotype of the "crazy cat lady". I have a friend who has 18 dogs. Does that make her a "crazy dog lady"? Now that I think about it, it made Paul think she was!  

 

[Margm]

I was first of two girls.  Almost 9 years difference between us.  We were raised different.  Mama would not let me keep my dogs inside.  Ring, Wolf, Tiny, Midget were all killed by various means.  Mama brought home bones from the grocery store she worked at and two dogs died of poisoning from store owner putting out rat or bug poisoning.  They were in pain outside my bedroom window, they died.  I could do nothing.  Mama said they were mad dogs, but the foaming at the mouth was from poison.  Ring was a Cocker Spaniel,  probably my first one I remember.  No fences.  Country dirt roads, not traveled much at all.  Wolf was a Scottish Terrier, he and Ring probably chased cars.  I was too young, just remember watching them die.  Then Daddy brought Midget home in a big match box.  I had him until I was 15 years old.  He survived being run over once (Mama let me keep him by my bed and I fed him weenies all the time he was hurt.  He survived and we had moved back to our dirt road home (my grandfather owned the land in that part of the country so we had our choice of country roads.  Mama did not believe in money for veterinarians and Midget died of something like pneumonia one cold night.  I had him in a box with blankets but he died beneath my window.  After that I would not take on the love of another dog.  My sister always had cats (inside). Our kids had their dogs (inside), but mostly my daughter had cats.  Inside.  Now she has three dogs inside and Peaches, an ancient cat and a boy cat outside. (All animals are "fixed.")   Billy had hunting dogs.  I almost got close to one my daughter (when grown) left at our house named Bear.  He was a Chow and it was really cruel to have that kind of dog in this hot climate. (We tried keeping him inside, he broke through window and screen).   We lived on the lake and he stayed out in that water, just  cooling.  My mom came fishing and was walking down the hill to the lake and a raccoon, rapid, came running out from under the neighbors house and would have attacked her..  Bear attacked the raccoon and the raccoon killed him. (Billy killed the coon).  For ages after Bear died I could hear him behind me.  He would not let me go walking out on the country roads by myself.  So, I decided no more pets.

 No more husbands either.  .