If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

No Steve, it does not compare.

[TerriL]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Oh, I remember my name was written on a wall once (may have mentioned it), an Oriental food store.  I was waiting for bamboo mats and they put my name up by the payphone on the wall and my phone number.  Phone rang about 5:30 a.m. by the police.  Oriental store was broke into and my name was on the wall.  I guaranteed them I had not stolen anything and was waiting  for the bamboo mats.  So, I was famous for 5 minutes once.  I have no idea what my phone number is, I think I have it on my FLIP PHONE  somewhere though.  Changed it to 318 prefix when I moved.  

I can't believe your name and number were on the wall of an Oriental Food store! One moment with Marg and a half hour later, you're hungry for more! LOL Seriously though, now I know a real life Jenny 867-5309!  

I have seen Murphy's Romance many times. In fact, I saw it just a couple of weeks ago on one of those nostalgia channels. I also used to love those Polaroid commercials with him and Mariette Hartley. They had such great chemistry that people thought they were really married to each other! Shoot, let's face it---that man could have chemistry with a lamp post! 

One reason why I don't think Prince Charles was inconsolable upon the death of Diana isn't just because they were divorced. It was also because Diana wasn't ever the one he truly loved. That was Camilla, but she was married to someone else and not deemed suitable to give the Prince heirs. He was cheating on Diana with Camilla throughout their marriage. The ones I truly felt for when she died were those two boys. What wonderful, handsome young men they've become! Diana would be so proud and thrilled to be a two-time grandmother now. 

[Margm]

Yeah, I don't think he grieved Diana.  The world did though, and her family.  The queen is sure hanging onto that crown.  I figured she would skip Charles and give it to William.

I've gotten scared to get out of the house so will break that tomorrow.  Will see some girls I have not seen in 56 years.  Going with two more from here.

Thank you George, this stuff will drive a person crazy, and I guess we all have it to some extent.  I'm with you all.  Hugs to you all too.

[TerriL]

Okay, today is not a good day for me. I've been in tears as I've watched my brother in law taking down the pool out back. He slashed the liner apart with a box cutter and it exposed the inside of the aluminum ring, where Paul had very carefully duct taped the visqueen (that goes on top of the dirt to prevent weeds coming up through the liner) to the inside of the metal. I looked at each little strip of tape, remembering how neatly and thoroughly he did all his work, and I lost it. I had to come inside. It's another piece of Paul I feel is being eliminated from my world. It's over 30 years of summers spent in the pool coming to an end. The unbearable pain has returned. Just when I think I'm coping, I feel as if I could cry, scream and curse until I drop to the ground myself. I just want Paul back with me. 

[iPraiseHim]

12 hours ago, TerriL said:

I can't believe your name and number were on the wall of an Oriental Food store! One moment with Marg and a half hour later, you're hungry for more! LOL

Okay, TerriL.  I laughed out loud so hard I have a sore throat and my eyes are watering... I can't remember the last time I laughed so much I cried. I think you have developed another good type of grief trigger. Funny group of grievers... I love it.    Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

Not at your level of pain, but I am hit with it as I delete my wife's e-mail accounts, and yesterday took my wife's name off of the auto insurance. She was not able to drive the last six years before her death.  They apologized and didn't even know she died. My wife's name is still on the business checks  and one of the homes we (I) professionally clean still has her name on it.

And this week, I received a refund check that has both of our names on it.  There are reminders everywhere that she is not here.  I know that but to soften the blow, I strive to remember all of the good times we share together and they were many. so, yes, the grief pain is real and revealed the level of love you had and still have for Paul.  Peace be with you.  Shalom

[TerriL]

George, I'm not exactly sure how this whole grief thing works. The erratic ups and downs from day to day are so exhausting and I try to enjoy the good or funny moments when they come. If I can bring someone along with me for the funny rides, it makes me feel even better. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

[Widowedbysuicide]

A new topic might wish to be born - my thought today - A place to post random thoughts, activities and/or our photos that have a humours theme.   Or perhaps it could be The Farside of Hell... 

Any thoughts on this?  

This really happened to me.  13 registered Black Angus in with my horses!  Is that worse luck than one black cat?

 

[mittam99]

Terri, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly today. Hugs.

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On a lighter note I went to the "archives" and found an interesting picture...

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Marita... that's a bunch of bull right there!

 

 

[TerriL]

George, I totally understand. Just a few weeks ago, I had to take Paul's name off the auto insurance. I received a tern dollar credit (or something like that) for now being the only driver on the policy. The woman on the phone said it to me like it should cheer me up. What she didn't realize is that they're "rewarding" me for having lost my husband. My husband's name remains on our personal checking accounts and checks. I don't know if I even want to take his name off them. Is there a law stating I have to? These are things that---again---the average person doesn't "get". The pain that comes when you are removing all the aspects of your spouse's existence from your life. The fact that they are no longer here to have or use all of these normal parts of living---banks, insurance, my husband's satellite radio in his truck, etc.---keeps hitting us repeatedly. Today, the pool he worked so hard putting up is coming down. The destruction is a lot faster than the construction , to be sure. I'm planning to use that circle he dug out, however. I want some sort of tribute to him there. For a long time, I've wanted a fire pit and I believe I will have one put into the center of that circle. then I can have stones or something laid and purchase some outdoor-friendly seating. Maybe I can find something with his initials and have that installed, too. I'm still in the planning stages right now. 

[TerriL]

Marita, I love your idea. I also love that picture! lol Personally, I do not find black cats to be bad luck, but I've never had an entire herd of black angus in my yard. So whether or not THAT is bad luck, is anyone's guess.  When we had our house on five acres, we did have the neighbor's horse get through the fence and were awoken to the sound of our horse, Tristan (a huge Belgian cross), kicking him and screaming at him. Paul had to chase the other horse back home again and repair the fence. I remember Paul laughing because Tristan, who was normally a very sweet-natured boy, was kicking the other horse's behind. 

Mitch, thank you for the hugs and for the LAUGH!!! That was so funny!!!! You're brilliant! I wish I could do stuff like that but I don't have the know-how.

[MartyT]

(We do have a place for Funnies: Things That Make Us Laugh in our Tools for Healing forum. )

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you MartyT.  

Can you move my post to 

please Marty

[brat#2]

Terri - great minds think alike, I guess.  I just did the same thing where our pool use to be.  That was a spot in our yard that we spent a lot of time, just relaxing and having fun.  It was destroyed a couple of years ago with one of our storms and we didn't put a new one back up, but the plastic on the ground, etc was still there, so just last week, I buried some of Dale's ashes (after taking the plastic up) in that spot with a beautiful stepping stone and am planning on planting some flowers or shrubs around it (haven't decided yet which).  I think I might even get a bench to sit out there, still thinking on that.  So I think you have a wonderful idea to make a tribute to him there, it made me feel better.

Joyce

 

[MartyT]

Marita, my dear, unfortunately I cannot move an individual post to another forum. I can only move entire threads from one forum to another. So to move your post I'd have to move the entire "If you're going through hell" topic. Sorry about that! At least your post gave me the opportunity to alert our readers to the Funnies topic in our Tools for Healing forum.

[TerriL]

Joyce, that's a wonderful thing you did for Dale! Our great minds are thinking alike!  It just a way to soothe what is otherwise a traumatic situation for me. If I have to let something go, I feel the need to replace it with something meaningful, not just slapping sod down to "fill in space". My brother in law is helping me, although I still don't think he "gets" me. He now calls me "one of a kind". Okay, I can live with that! lol When you finish your planting, Joyce, you should post a picture of the finished product. I'll do the same for mine when I get everything installed. I feel very responsible for keeping Paul's memory and legacy alive, just as I know all of you do, too. 

Marty, I was so happy to discover the Funnies thread! I had some great laughs reading the posts! 

 

[Margm]

Okay Mitch, I can die happy now.  I love it.  Made my day.  Plus I met with about 20+ girls from my graduating class and they all knew me and of course said they would know me anywhere.  I guess red hair, freckles and plump/fluffy just does not change much.  It was nice meeting them all again.  Actually, it was not too bad.  There was only one little skinny woman that they put me against taking pictures that I did not remember.  I do not remember her being too chatty in school either.  In fact, I don't remember school much period.

And those black cows look like they are ready for supper (I don't mean your supper, theirs).  Although, they might be tasty served from a restaurant where you don't have to get to know them personally.

I love those "funnies" and thank you all for putting them.  Actually made the sky a little bluer today.  We have thunder clouds and light rain off and on.  

[Gwenivere]

Terri, I went to the bank thinking I should remove Steves name from our accounts.  They told me they could do that, but I would have to get all new accounts and numbers.  I do all banking and bills online.  The service rep was very caring and said it wasn't necessary.  So in one small way, I got to keep him.  I really didn't want new checks with just my name, I have enough of that in all other areas.  I did the car insurance thing and got a measly credit too.  I don't think I changed our city services amounts because they just withdraw the money from our account.  Some things just don't matter legally and having been thru probate and what I had to do, that was enough.  One small but not to me thing I did was renew our Time magazine subscription in my name.  Should have left that in his.  

[Gin]

I took Al's name off checking account and added my daughter.  I wish I had left his name on.

[marsha]

Patty - 3 days late and a dollar short! Can I respond? I could have written much of your post. After Joe died, I swear, I relived my life from birth on (and pretty much always at 1 a.m.) I don't know exactly why, but in speaking to other widowed friends, this is not uncommon. I think it's like trying logically to figure out - how did I get here? Patty, I had some of the same issues that you describe, some that I think were buried deeply when I met Joe and we married. It's like - now we're free-floating, and there's nothing to stop all of these thoughts. Please, sweetie, I'm not being negative. Coming out of the other side of it, I'm not sorry, as painful as it was to re- live and remember and think and think some more. Did I want to do it? Hell, no. HELL, NO. And, in saying all of this, I will add to the others that your beliefs are your beliefs. My therapist was also...not quite in sinc with what I was thinking, but..he listened to me, really listened. And that's what I needed at the time, for someone objective to listen to me. And that was kind of the most important thing at the time. You say whatever you feel here. I want to read what you have to say. Hugs, Marsha

[Margm]

Do you ever ride by places and think "If we had not been such gypsies, we might have settled down here and had a better life and maybe he would have lived longer?"  I guess I mean "what if".............

[TerriL]

You know, Marg, I don't think it matters either way. Paul and I had been in this house for over 31 years. We bought another house back after my mother passed away---that's the one with five acres---and were trying to sell this house, but it was one of those things where the timing wasn't right. I should not have made the decision to move less than a year after my Mom gad passed away and left my Dad all alone. We had the house with acreage for only one year, sold it (in early 2000) to return here so I could be closer to my Dad and our goddaughter, and we've been here ever since. We wanted to travel more around the country, but had no one to look after our animals. No one we trusted, anyway. After Paul died, I thought to myself, "If we had been MORE like gypsies, traveling around and seeing all sorts of places, would he have lived longer? Would his stress and blood pressure have been lower? Would he still be here now?" Whatever way we have lived, we will all wonder about that other path not taken. That's the deal with that fork in the road. You make a choice and you can't always go back and find out what "could have been" or "might have been". But, having said that, it's my belief that people are the way they are. I can't say for sure whether being on the road traveling would have made Paul less aggravated or more so. He had the type of personality (same as his father's) where he would get stressed out by the tiniest things some times. I would tell him that he was overreacting and he needed to put things into proper perspective---it wasn't the big deal he was turning it into. Who knows? Even having the answer at this point to our "what if" questions wouldn't bring Paul or Billy back and might even be more painful for the both of us. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, TerriL said:

Is there a law stating I have to?

I don't think so because you're able to use up your supply of checks.  My mom kept my dad's name on her checks for close to 30 years after he died.

[kayc]

I haven't had cows in my yard, but a whole herd of elk and of course deer.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, TerriL said:

Even having the answer at this point to our "what if" questions wouldn't bring Paul or Billy back

No it would not bring them back.  There are so many things we run through our heads.  We were together so long and look at all the milestones we reached.  I get angry at the words "shoulda, woulda, coulda" because they are true, we just need to accept things and accepting is hard.  I got married so young and really would wake up those first few months thinking I was in prison.  Of course, that disappeared soon enough.  Lost freedom.  Now I have "found freedom" and it is a nightmare.  I used to watch the doves come to our patio eating the birdseed I would scatter..  Ever so often you would see the lone dove and it was sad.  Two of the women at our meeting yesterday have new last names.  Widows no more. A third one is a widow twice.  I did not envy them..  It is what it is.