If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Tomorrow is mine Ana.  Not looking to celebrate at all.  Want no reminder.  Never cared for them anyhow.

[mittam99]

9 minutes ago, scba said:

Sometimes I wonder what hasn't been touched by grief.

Ana, the answer is simple... nothing.

Grieving our soul mate has a ripple effect on every single aspect of our lives. It affects our actions and our inactions. It affects our health both physical and emotional. It affects our eating and our sleeping. It affects our thought process. Our outlook on life.The list is endless.

 

[kayc]

When I got Arlie, he was a rescue dog and had been starving when they found him.  I don't think they ever quite get over that feeling of being hungry once they've truly been there, no matter how much they eat or weigh.  When he was a one year old puppy, I was feeding him and the phone rang...distracted, I put a scoop of food in his bowl but forgot to put the lid on it afterwards.  He ate until he was sick.  He drank water and it all blew up inside of him, his sides pooched out, he hurt so bad he couldn't even lay down!  He was crying he hurt so bad.  Of course, living way out in the country like I do, there was nowhere to take him, I knew I'd never get him in the truck or car in the shape he was in, let alone 120 mile round trip.  I called the emergency vet and they said to walk him, that walking aids the digestion, so I did.  They told me not to let him throw up.  (How do you keep a dog from throwing up?)  He did and it seemed to help.  Of course if he were given the chance, he would still pig out, he didn't learn a thing, not being able to connect the consequences with his actions.

[kayc]

22 minutes ago, scba said:

I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't want a cake with a candle

I'll take the cake, I don't think I ever had a birthday cake.  When I was growing up we were always hunting on my birthday so I had to be quiet and my mom said we couldn't take a cake out hunting with us.  (That's what comes of being born on a deer hunting trip.)

Honestly, I think if you don't want to celebrate, they should honor your wishes.

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

George,

You know, my mom had a way with words.  I remember her saying "flounder" but the word is actually "founder."  Bless her heart, after Daddy passed away an old acquaintance wanted to date her.  (I feel so sorry for him).  She would not date him because he wanted to put her up on a "pretzel."  I will never quit mentioning my mom and her special language.  She might have crossed over that fine line between genius and insanity sometimes, but she will be remembered. 

My MIL had so many expressions, too! She lived to be 89 and she was definitely country raised.  She would talk about injuring her "pully bone" ! 

Another thing she said was, " I didn't say over there.  I said over there"  ???

[Margm]

We won't ever lose them.  They live in our memory forever.  I don't remember missing my dad like this, but my mom really left a few months ago.  I enjoyed listening to her talk about her five husbands.  She said they were all healthy when she married them but they just died.  (My daddy was her only one).  Her memory now is bitter sweet, but Billy's memory is knife sharp hurting still.  I was lots younger when my dad passed away.  It did not hurt as bad.  But, maybe it is because of the open wound that Billy left and this is just pour salt into that wound.  I was with Billy through the loss of both his parents.  Your MIL sounds wonderful.  Cannot beat "country raised."  

Kay, I am not like Arlie, I have never been at a starving point, but oh I know how he felt.  I remember praying "God, if you will just let me get over this" but I lied and would do it again and again.  

[iPraiseHim]

18 hours ago, scba said:

Hell is coming. My birthday is approaching and I'm feeling blue about it. After two years people expect me to be fine and celebrate. Last year nobody mentioned the subject, but this time I'm being asked about. I feel so sad, I cannot focus and be thankful about the fact that some people actually want to organize a meeting. I just want everybody forget it. I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't want a cake with a candle, nor reunions nor seeing people.

Sometimes I wonder what hasn't been touched by grief.

 

 

 

I don't like to celebrate mine either.  I tried to avoid it but it my sister and Dad would have been so disappointed.  Apparently it is a big deal for them.

My humble suggestion is that I would tell your parents you would rather not celebrate this year for personal reasons and if they really insist then just the parents and you. no one else.  Follow what gives you peace in your heart.  My sister made me brownies instead of a cake this year.  And my Dad took is all out for Mexican food. ( in the past, my Dad hardly ever went to restaurant until after Mom passed away.  Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

We won't ever lose them.  They live in our memory forever.  I don't remember missing my dad like this, but my mom really left a few months ago.  I enjoyed listening to her talk about her five husbands.  She said they were all healthy when she married them but they just died.  (My daddy was her only one).  Her memory now is bitter sweet, but Billy's memory is knife sharp hurting still.  I was lots younger when my dad passed away.  It did not hurt as bad.  But, maybe it is because of the open wound that Billy left and this is just pour salt into that wound.  I was with Billy through the loss of both his parents.  Your MIL sounds wonderful.  Cannot beat "country raised."  

Amazing! My MIL, Alvie was married four times and the obituaries said" Survived by wife"  She was quite a character. 

When Rose Anne and I just started courting, we would pick up her Mom to take her to church on Sunday.  She had a poodle that busted out her back screen porch and she asked me if I knew how to fix it (be her handyman).  I told her I would think about it. she replied," You better do better than that!"  Then I said I would "Pray about it"  She was quiet for the rest of the trip to church.   So many stories so little time Sh was born in 1911 and passed in 2000. 

[Margm]

Her name was Alvie.  My dad's name was Elvie.  I do not know why they gave him the initials I.D. for a middle name.  The way it was said sounded like LVID.  So, he dropped the I.D. somewhere along his short life.  He was only 64 when he passed away, and at the time I was about 40.  I thought he was an old man and had lived a full life.  He honored his wedding vows (at least some of them) and he and Mama both wrote daily diary's.  Many books.  I cannot read them.  After he passed I did read one page of Daddy's diary.  It said "I love her so much."  I will never forget him saying that because they did not live their love, they just stayed together.  

I cannot imagine your MIL being "quiet for the rest of the trip to church."  I can imagine what was going on in her mind.  

[Margm]

I am going to put this on here.  Just want you all to know, I am really doing as okay as is possible.  I won't say the people who do not understand my moods, but I will say that word has gotten back to me about my "anger" and my moods.  I really try not to share my anger, but if I am not "happy-go-lucky" as I used to be, people seem to think that I have some illness.  I know you all have received the same attention from well meaning people.  Sometimes it comes from blood kin and not from well meaning friends.  I had to send the thing written by Maya Angelou to them.  I apologized for my moods that do not bode well with the masses, but told them I had to handle my own moods as I saw fit at the moment.  If it did not please them, then I was sorry.  And, that is how it is.  I am not a paper doll that they can change my feelings with a new cut-out dress or smile.  Hey, I am doing okay actually "for the mood I am in."  It suits me.  If they do not want to be around it, that is fine..

Did you actually know that there are people who live off of praise and accolades for grief?  I just want to hide in my shade and will face the sun when I am ready, on my own time, on my own terms.  If that does not work for them, well, that is just their problem, not mine.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

Just read on the news that La. is under a "state of emergency" due to heavy rain and flooding. Hope you are safe and dry.

Nothing wrong with venting your anger. If left inside, it will eat you up.

[Margm]

Karen, most of the rain is around I-10 and South Louisiana, although it looks to be in the Southeastern part of the state also.  My parish/county borders Arkansas and we have had showers but nothing bad.  Supposed to rain for awhile though this next week.  I lived on a hill in Arkansas.  I don't know how these people around here do if it floods.  In Arkansas a little stream can turn into a torrential river fast.  Even living on the lake we were never bothered with flooding.  I have friends though that it is at their backdoor.  I have some more friends up here who lived across the lake from where we lived and they had to vacate their house and are having it redone.  That is something I don't have to worry about anymore, hallelujah.  

And the anger/bad mood, well that is something they will have to put up with or not come around.  

Some days I just do better talking about the weather.  Thanks for thinking about me.  That was sweet.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

It's good to know you are safe for the time being Marg.  I totally understand the hallelujah feeling, mine was selling a troublesome vehicle this past week.

Take care all.

[Margm]

I read a book called Grief, One Day at a Time.  I cannot remember if you put books in italics, underlined, or quotations, so just bear with me.  I have figured out what is wrong with all of us.  This is my today's "one day at a time."

Grief is itself a medicine, William Cowper

The rest of this is written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.  I like some of what he writes (sometimes).  

You might hear grief described as an illness or a "condition" some time.  That's because our scientific-method-obsessed evidence-based discipline of medicine -- which includes mental health -- has tried to take ownership of grief and mourning.

But grief isn't an illness or disorder.  It's the natural and necessary counterpart to having loved.

We don't need to be "treated" for our grief.  There's nothing wrong with us.  We just need to grieve and to express our grief.  That's it.  Nothing more; nothing less.

 And, so reading this, since grief is itself a medicine, the only thing wrong with all of us is we have overdosed.  

(I'm sorry, it did not give me any formulation to counteract this overdose).  I think we just have to walk it off.  Or in some cases maybe sleep it off.  Who was that mythical fellow, Rip Van Winkle???  I think the only organs it messes with are the brain and heart.  (I know, I ache all over too)

As an addendum to the above, thank you Marty for allowing us to express our grief.  

[kayc]

Marg,

Glad to hear the state of emergency doesn't apply to you!   And nothing wrong with having moods, like you say, they don't have to be around it.  

[kayc]

On 8/10/2016 at 9:55 AM, TerriL said:

Kay,

The old plate was not nailed to the wall, it was glued with caulk against the wall. So, I'd have to drill holes into the outside wall and I'm not really handy with power tools. You know, we have a small, family owned and run hardware store that usually has more than the big box stores and far less expensive, too. They have the plates. I finally worked up the courage to get in the car myself and go pick one up. I figured I could caulk it to the wall as well as the other one was. I pulled out and got to the stop sign in front of my house and realized my right front tire on my car is flat. (I wondered why I felt like I was leaning to the right.) :::heavy sigh::: So, I pulled it slowly back into driveway and here I sit, waiting for AAA to come and change tire. It just never ends. Oh sure, my life with Paul ended. But not the stuff breaking down, the money to fix it, that goes on and on. The only positive thing I can say is that at least it happened while I was still home. However, it doesn't make me feel any safer about leaving home in the car. What if I hadn't been home? Like my anxiety needs this? (Beginning to think BIL practices voodoo or something. Whenever he throws one of his tantrums and is no longer helping me, all sorts of things begin falling apart, when I am alone with no one to ask for help.)

So I was drying some clothes & took my dog on a walk and when I got back, I noticed the dryer had quit running (it was still ticking the minutes off, just not running).  It felt hot on top so I decided to check the exhaust.  (I empty the lint trap every load).  I noticed the flap was stuck open, having allowed moisture, which in turn made the lint stick to it rather than go outside, so I cleaned it out and played with the flap to get it to move more freely.  

I came back inside the house and that's when I noticed that a couple of clocks had stuck, so it was just a matter of my electricity having gone out for a few seconds, that's why the dryer quit.  But I thought it was a good thing it happened so I'd check my exhaust, having just talked with you about yours, maybe it saved me a future problem!

Okay ladies, everyone check their lint traps and exhaust on their dryers!  Don't want any fires!

Now to figure out why my dishwasher is suddenly leaving dirty dishes...ugh, it never lets up, does it!

[TerriL]

Kay, I'm so glad your problem was only an electrical surge. We get those, too, all the time and Paul always griped how our power company was going to end up frying all our appliances. It's a good thing you got the vent cleaned though and I'll be more aware of that in the future, too. Speaking of my dryer, I have the vent plate to put on the wall outside my house, but I haven't yet had the chance to get it on there. Since this past weekend, we have had intermittent thunderstorms coming through every day. When the sun is out, everything is still all wet outside, and by then, I've usually gotten busy doing other things. As soon as I have a dry, sunny day, that vent plate will be attached! On the plus side, all this rain is making my grass (or, according to my BIL, "weeds"--Ha!), trees and shrubs green, full and lush. It brings me pleasure and comfort to walk around out there. 

I am praying for you Kay that the dishwasher situation is also something extremely minor and easily resolved. It does feel like an endless loop of problems sometimes, doesn't it? I know I truly did appreciate Paul and everything he did around here while he was still with me, but with him gone, it just seems as if I'm EXTRA appreciative and grateful. It really hits home---literally!---how much he did to take care of me (of us) and our home. It leaves me flabbergasted to think about it. It's like: It would be quicker to list the things he DIDN'T do. A much shorter list. 

[TerriL]

By the way, Kay, I forgot to mention that my friend who is on hospice care right now, seems to have rallied. For how long is anyone's guess. Several days ago, he was not eating or drinking and was, for the most part, unresponsive. In and out of consciousness. Yesterday was his 82nd birthday and I texted his daughter to let her know I hadn't forgotten but thought sending a card under those circumstances might be inappropriate. She said her father was enjoying his birthday with family and when he found out it was me on the phone texting, he told her to have me call him because he wanted to speak to me. So, I did! We had a lovely conversation, a funny conversation, believe it or not. He sounded great, voice strong, like his usual self. He even asked how I was doing---he really liked Paul a lot. I told him I was hanging in there and doing what I needed to do in order to take care of myself. He was happy about that. How long this "aware" phase will last is anyone's guess, but the will and strength of the human mind, body and spirit will forever leave me awestruck and fascinated. We shared a laugh and told each other "I love you". I'm grateful for that. 

[brat#2]

2 hours ago, TerriL said:

It does feel like an endless loop of problems sometimes, doesn't it? I know I truly did appreciate Paul and everything he did around here while he was still with me, but with him gone, it just seems as if I'm EXTRA appreciative and grateful. It really hits home---literally!---how much he did to take care of me (of us) and our home. It leaves me flabbergasted to think about it. It's like: It would be quicker to list the things he DIDN'T do. A much shorter list. 

Terri, that is so true.  I knew how many things Dale took care of and really appreciated it, but also didn't give it another thought.  That is what he did, if it broke he fixed it, if it looked like it was going to break, he would fix it and now that he is not hear, it is really amazing to me how much is needing repaired and I can't do it.  It is also really sad that it takes him not being here for me to truly, truly appreciate everything he did.  I guess as part of life, we all take our spouses for granted at least a little bit for the things that they do for us. 

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Terri, I'm glad your friend on hospice is rallying. Mine is not (she's my 92 year old neighbor).  Her son is a good friend of mine and I hear his truck going back and forth to her house and back home to let his dog out, back to her house, etc.  He's exhausted.  I've offered to go down and throw the ball for his dog and let him out to play in the yard but right now he's trying to do everything...if/when he gets tired of it, maybe he'll take me up on it.  I know Arlie misses his dog too.

I hear you about how it's always something...I have two teeth I've discovered decay in (I have root canals so no pain) so I have to go to the dentist Friday, ugh...paying the bill bothers me more than going there does. I've put so much $ into my teeth over the years and you watch, in the end I'll lose them and it was all for nothing.  

Joyce, I hear ya...George took good care of me and this place, he really took that to heart.  I miss having someone I can trust to do things right...contractors aren't on my good list right now.

[Widowedbysuicide]

 hell is not pretty

[Gin]

Kay, I have a toothache and am seeing the dentist tomorrow.  I, too had so much dental work done and now everything is falling apart.  Good luck.

Gin

[kayc]

Gin,

Good luck to you!

Today my cat appears to be on her deathbed (Kitty)...she's 20 and I lost Miss Mocha 2 1/2 months ago so it's really hard to take.  She HATES car rides and would be very distressed to go in to the vet where there's a room full of dogs so I'm not taking her, I'll let her go in peace the way she'd choose.  I hope it isn't so but it sure appears to be.  I've noticed her slowing down recently and eating less or turning her nose up at food this week.  She doesn't seem sick though.  I think it's just old age.  Poor Kitty, it's so damned hard!

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat, Kay.  It's the part of being pet parents we always forget about.  Or, tho we have been thru it before, it never gets any easier.  If she is not exhibiting pain, it is best to let them handle it themselves.  Turning away food and isolating are the common signs.  

 I have an almost 12 year old lab mix that is my last tie to the family I had with Steve.  She is fine, but it crosses my mind how her loss will change everything.  The new dog knew nothing of that time.  

Hugs to you.

[brat#2]

Kay and Gin - hope all goes well at the dentist for you two. 

Kay - I'm sorry to hear about Kitty, like Gwen said if she's not in pain, it's best to just let her do her own thing.  I know it is hard and I'm sending you hugs.

Joyce