If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Gin, I could write a book on some of our family dynamics but people would be bored to death.  I am going to bed early.  I hope you hear from your son.  Last I heard Alabama was beating up our team Arkansas, so I think I will just go read.  

[kayc]

Gin, I'm so sorry.  Whenever anyone in our state has something they don't know how to handle, we call our rep. Peter DeFazio, and he's really there for us.  I would call my State Rep. at least they can point you in the right direction to know where to start.  Marty's right, probably no one around until Monday, although I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.  When you're able to have a sit down, so to speak, with your son, I would let him know that you have aged and have a lot to deal with on your plate and can't have added stress thrown at you, he needs to stay in touch with you on a regular basis, even if it's once a month, and live his life in such a way as to not cause so much worry.  He's old enough to do that for you.

[Margm]

I deleted all my family's troubles.  Sometimes I talk too much.  We all live in some extreme circumstances.  My daughter's dermoid tumors/cysts were to be removed today.  Update below.  

My granddaughter, even through this rough time has made breakthroughs in her counseling and also is in school with no problems.  In fact, she seems excited about some of it.  Some of it is like her home schooling with use of the computer.  Family tries to pin her down as to what she wants to be.  Her counselor tells her to tell them she is focusing  on one thing at a time.  I remember walking down the aisle graduation night holding my boy cousin's hand.  I was thinking, "well, this is it gal, whatcha gonna do?"  I knew I was already entered into a business school, but I had no idea what I wanted to do.  

I am rambling but this week I have been going through hell and this is why it is on this post.  The 17th will be one year.  It is not any more a terrible day than yesterday was, or last month, or two years from now if I live that long.  They are all just days without Billy.  I'm not feeling the guilt that I felt, but I am sorry he had to be removed from the fussing.  I'm sorry there was fussing, but it seems I went from my mama's to my daughter's.  They  must have been and still are miserable people to want to cause trouble and fuss all the time.  I feel sorry for them.  I feel sorry for me too.  I feel sorry for all of us..  One foot in front of the other.  

[KATPILOT]

How hard that must have been Marg. To deal with the turmoil and know all the while that which was needing your complete focus. I can see why it bothers you to hear what Billy asked while the fussing was going on. The 17th is indeed just one more day of your grief's journey yet it is a heavy day and like some anniversary dates seems to carry a deeper sadness.  911 is and most likely will be one of my worst days. I can't avoid it yet days later begin to forget once more. Perhaps the anniversary of Kathy's death is a sad day yet while it should be devastating I suppose, I am grieving every day before and after that one. Perhaps that is why it doesn't affect me so much.  I understand what you said.  It's the exact opposite of "Just another day in Paradise".  You notice that day and it hurts but in a few days you don't feel all that much better. The first one though is still a big event for like any anniversary it tends to bring back the strongest of memories and those were the worst of memories.  Tuesday will come to start your second year and I hope you can take a little comfort in the fact that you are still standing. I said that to myself on the seventeenth of February 2012. I think it helped a tiny bit.  I repeat that every year and I'd like to think I am standing stronger each one.

[Margm]

Sometimes I tell too much family history.  Anyhow, daughter is doing okay.  One kidney was pretty messed up but think things are okay.  The rest, as far as I can tell is okay too.  Because she has fallen out of bed twice (guard rails anyone?) and the infection in the kidney,, they are going to keep her longer.  Actually, maybe things are better.  I sure hope so.  We were lucky that it was something that needed to be done by an expert and lucky some doctors needed training, and lucky the hospital owns its own jet, and lucky that the woman that had mastered this mode of operation did it herself.  

Billy has flashed before me waking from a dream.  Once sitting on the bed like after he first left.  As soon as I was awake, I knew he was not there.  I knew it was a dream.  But I also believe that he was letting me know he would be with our daughter like he has been with every injury and operation that she has had in 49 years.  I have trouble with my faith still, but there are some things you just have to believe.  How could it be otherwise?

[Brad]

Marg-

Glad Kelli is doing better.  Hang in there friend.

[Margm]

I think sometimes I usually go "splat" with my emotions.  I like to follow up things with a little humor sometimes too.  I love reading about Brad's hikes, about life lived even after life is gone.  We have not had rain for awhile..  Last night and today full of rain and gray skies.  My dad was talking to my son once.  He told him "sometimes I look at the sky and it is so pretty and blue but sometimes it is just gray."  I don't think my dad was talking about color really, I think it was emotions.  So hard to analyze things and people after they are gone.  Today sky is gray.  Today emotions are too raw to color or explain.  I need to get busy and clean, that is something I have not done in awhile.   I had copied something earlier this morning about faith and fear of God that my friend, who knows I have problems with faith, she had sent to me.  It was strange because it answered a lot of my questions and it seemed ironic that it would come to my email today from her.  It was what I needed, but to accept it I have to be ready.  I can be the world's most stubborn person sometimes.  For 54 years I had someone to think with and for me sometimes.  Now I have to think for myself.  It is not because I think I am stupid or dumb, it is just my selfish stubbornness lately.  It is like I am angry, I think.  Angry and afraid.

 

 

[Brad]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Last night and today full of rain and gray skies.  My dad was talking to my son once.  He told him "sometimes I look at the sky and it is so pretty and blue but sometimes it is just gray."  I don't think my dad was talking about color really, I think it was emotions.  So hard to analyze things and people after they are gone.  Today sky is gray.  Today emotions are too raw to color or explain.  

 

Marg - I know about the gray skies; I think we all know them far too well.  Today I'm wearing a new pair of sunglasses: yellow tint.  I haven't worn yellow tinted sunglasses in many, many years; I forgot how bright they make colors.  I am rueing the fact I didn't have these a year ago when the brightest of days had such a grayish hue.  I was amazed then how dark ones' world could become.  I am glad that I haven't had a life of grayness like so many with chronic depression.

[Margm]

Brad, after 15 years of one-on-one psychoanalysis, group therapy, and all that goes with it, that is my lifelong diagnosis "chronic depression."  I remember even having it in high school.  It is a shame we all could not be raised by "Leave it to Beaver" parents, but however we were raised, there does come a time it is not the parents fault and you have to take control of yourself.  Myself, I think this must be second childhood.  So many mental issues and eventually everybody, unless you die young, will have to face life.  And you face it on your own terms, no matter what color the sky.  I've taken the trash out.  One star for me today.  Going to post office to get the mail and to $ store to get a new mop, so maybe I get two stars today.  

On edit, I think I will pick up some yellow clip on glasses to help color this gray.  

[Brad]

They helped me today. 

[Margm]

My sister posted this for me tonight.  Very insightful.  I love her.  

[kayc]

We are having a typhoon move into our area this afternoon and tonight...Marg, you're welcome to some of the rain!  You can have some of the wind too, I'm generous!

I'm kind of scared to face this storm by myself, their predictions are pretty dire, it's actually two storms, one Thurs-Fri, one today-tonight.  The first one hit the coastal areas really hard, lots of damage.  We'll see what the second one brings...I only know this poor place isn't suited for withstanding such winds.  It's complicated by the fact it's so early that the trees haven't shed their leaves yet, which will make them heavier and cause branches/trees to snap.

Okay, fun's over!

[MartyT]

Oh Kay. We just went through this here in Florida. The media go so far overboard in dramatizing the weather forecasts that it's hard to know what to do ~ or not ~ as we prepare to weather these storms. Do keep us posted as things develop. Hunker down, stay safe and dry, and we will pray for soft breezes and sunny skies ahead  ♥

[Margm]

i remember my grandmother repeating herself and somewhere, I am not sure, but I think I asked you  to keep us posted if you can.  Please stay safe Kay.  Let us hear from you when you are able.  I just did not imagine the west coast having such horrible winds.  I think I  have been sheltered too long.  Living up this far in Louisiana we have floods and tornadoes and of course we had people all moving up from Katrina destroyed areas, but living around the Gulf I think of that as regular weather.  

[Margm]

On 10/13/2016 at 6:20 AM, KATPILOT said:

I repeat that every year and I'd like to think I am standing stronger each one.

I can really understand why so many partners, mates, spouses pass away that first year.  You really get to an "I don't care" attitude.  I have to remember that there is someone I have to protect.  It should not be that way, but honestly, life is not fair all the time.  We just make hay while the sun shines.

[kayc]

If I lose electricity, it'll end my career here!   I don't have a "smart" phone and no cellphone coverage here in the mountains anyway, so I'd be cut off.
It's been raining all day but the winds and rain are picking up.  It's Gwen I'm worried about, I hope we hear from her and that it doesn't materialize.  Kitty was bound and determined to go outside, so I let her...it wasn't long and I opened the door and she flew through it!

[Gwenivere]

It's about 9pm here and not too bad.  Storm is moving thru faster than expected.  Lots of damage in other areas around me, but they are closer to the water.  My furry kids aren't thrilled about going outside either.  I have go out so they will follow me.  Oddly, they are more calm out there tho.  It's the noise on the roof that upsets them.  

Still have power, Kay?

[MartyT]

Good to hear from you, Gwen. We're all concerned for you. And Kay, do check in if you can. Be safe, dear ones!  ♥

[Margm]

You know there are a lot of times that I cry to Billy that I just cannot do this living anymore, I am tired of it but I remembered this after hearing it on TV, and I have heard it before.  It never meant anything to me at the time other than I felt sorry for her.  She had so many children and lost so many children, a philandering husband, but he died too and I know her Catholic faith made her stay with him.  She was a little woman, but I now admire her and have somewhat of a belief of what she said.  I used to write poetry and stories, but this has taken all the verve from my life and so I gripe and complain on here.  But I think, very possibly, I might make it until at least I can get my granddaughter started in a life she can live.  I am so proud of her.

Kelli is home.  Cleveland Clinic flew her first class and Willis Knighton was at the airport to pick her up and she drove home.  She came here first. She seems okay.  Having trouble with the bleeding kidney for awhile and temp is 102.7 right now.  I told her to keep taking that Tylenol, drink the fluids and remember her antibiotics.  She has orders for any problems to present to the hospital and will be admitted directly.  They say in borderline personality disorder you try to hurt the one you love the most.  I think that might be true.  I know my son is going through a depression now. He misses his dad so much.

[KarenK]

Marg,

Without knowing, I somehow knew you were speaking of Rose Kennedy. She truly lived it all in her lifetime, did she not.

Glad to hear Kelli is home safe, but the temperature sounds worrisome. Hope someone is with her to keep any eye out.

[KATPILOT]

Kay and Gwen I hope you are still ale to read this in that you still have power. I've been watching the radar for a while now and this is stranger than anything I've seen in your area before.  It's not just the wind but the amount of rain is incredible and it looks like days ahead for it seems to be rather slow moving. I hope you both can stay home and hunker down. Not worth driving anywhere if it isn't extremely important.

Stay safe.

[kayc]

So far we still have power.  My dog's pen has a leak between the house and it that just emerged recently so I'd put a 5 gal. bucket under it Thursday...this morning it is full!  That's how much rain we've had! 

This morning my truck won't start.  Always something.  So I'll have to get a jump start and have someone follow me to the shop tomorrow, I'll have to do my Treasurer stuff today or tomorrow afternoon.  Ugh.  And someone called last night, wanted me to make and decorate 30 boxes for favors, a week's notice!  They should have given me two months!  I worked on design last night, after it's approved I have that to start tackling.

Gwen, I'm sorry your dogs are upset by the noise.  We were supposed to have thunder last night but if we did, I slept through it...I woke up after midnight and didn't get back to sleep until 4 am.  Going to be super tired today.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

You know there are a lot of times that I cry to Billy that I just cannot do this living anymore

I'm feeling it!

I'm sorry Kelli is going through so much, should she be driving with a temp that high?  Bleeding kidney...seems they'd keep her in the hospital.

[Margm]

35 minutes ago, kayc said:

seems they'd keep her in the hospital

Yep, you'd think.  She has orders to be admitted should anything untoward happen.  I questioned it also.  She has two people living with her.  I am less than probably a mile from her house.  Kay, my doc discharged me from the colon rupture after he pulled the tube..  No followup.  Things are not done like they used to be done.  I do not understand the thinking of freezing a temperature either.  Used to we would have been afraid of pneumonia.  Already very ill, turn temp down to 68, allow no cover or socks.  But, that is the way they did mine too.  Out of my head anyhow, I pulled my gown up trying to keep warm and flashed everyone.  Guess I am old fashioned but when you have chills from fever, all you want is to get warm.  I don't understand a lot now.

Actually, the head of neurosurgery at local hospital called her this morning at 5:00 a.m.  She had called about the fever.  She told him "don't you know patient's are asleep at 5:00 am."  He said, "well doctors are awake at 5:00 am"  So, she is being followed and her temp is below normal right now.  They told her to take the Tylenol every four hours even if temp is not up.  

[Margm]

Tomorrow will be one year.  I noticed the commode was sorta rocky.  The first thought was Billy would have already fixed that.  Well, this is something I can do.  I don't want to, I want Billy to fix it.  I rent, so I could get the "fix-it-man" to do it.  He already told me to call on him for anything.  I won't.  I will fix it.

I was thinking after this.  So many of us women say how much we miss our mate when something happens.  Well, we miss them when nothing happens.  We just miss them.

Now, I think about the men.  How many times do they think they wish their wife was here to cook when they get hungry, and so many things we did for our mates.  All of this is so foreign.

After my dad passed away, there never was a peep out of my mom that she missed him fixing something.  That was because if it was broke, she automatically fixed it.  If she could not she would call a small engine repairman, AC repairman, etc.  

When Billy and I were separated for six weeks back in about 1990, or so, I remember asking my girlfriend/coworker, "what am I going to do, how am I going to change the oil in the car?"  She looked at me dumbfounded.  She said "you go to an oil change place."  

So, we learn to cope somehow.