If You're Going Through Hell

[brat#2]

Marg, I know how you are feeling, it is so true that we miss them when something needs to be fixed, but is also so true that we just MISS them period.  It's been a week since I went through the ordeal of Hurricane Matthew "alone" and am still trying to find someone to repair my porch and shed, if Dale were here, it would already be done.  I can't do it, so trying to find someone who will do it right (I know how it should be done, I've watched and listened to Dale enough about this stuff, but just physically can't do it) I'm finding impossible, if Dale were here he would know someone who could fix it.  This learning to cope of being the only one now to take care of these things, is really difficult and overwhelming sometimes.  I guess I will get through it and everything will go on, but I just don't want to sometimes. 

Joyce

 

[Margm]

40 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

I just don't want to sometimes. 

I'm not wanting to at all today Joyce.  Fighting taking a Xanax, but I'm gonna give in.  Sometimes, and I know we all feel it sometimes, it is just hard to go on when you really don't want to go on.  But, I have to think of my granddaughter.  I cannot be this selfish.  Gotta get my spirits brighter.  Cannot bring her down.  

[brat#2]

I know Marg, we do still have people that we need to live for whether we want to or not.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Marge and Joyce,

It is so hard to find purpose anymore.  My daughter and son-in-law came over to help me with some yard work. That was great, but I wanted to visit, go out for lunch.  They had to leave early, so by noon, it was all over.  They just do not understand how lonely it is here without Al.  Even if we did not "do anything", we were together!   No one and nothing can fill that void.  Not even a little.

[iPraiseHim]

Marg M, I would suggest to let your fix-it man fix it.  Toilets can be tricky.  If it is rocking it means the "doughnut"(wax ring) is  smashed or uneven or will invite other problems.  I would like a fix-it man fix mine... if I had a fix-it man.

[Brad]

59 minutes ago, Gin said:

They just do not understand how lonely it is here without Al.  Even if we did not "do anything", we were together!   No one and nothing can fill that void.  Not even a little.

Gin - I plan Valley trips with the sole purpose of spending Papa Moosie time with my 6 year-old granddaughter and 22 month-old grandson.  Of course  the trips always coincide with other business but often the other business is just an excuse.  But then there's always the trip home and walking back into an empty house.  

[Gin]

Brad,. that empty house is terrible.  

[Gwenivere]

The empty house is so hard.  I'm not all that thrilled being out in the world right now and it used to be I loved coming home.  Now I pull in and realize that it's just as empty in there as the world feels.  Sometimes I sit in my car and wonder if there is anyplace I can go.  There isn't.  I leave lights on (very dark here in the PNW), but it's still so cold, dark and lifeless.  Even my dogs can't pull me out of the funk of it.  They are happy to see me and want food.  I miss the guy who was happy to see me and wanted food.  At least he could hug me.  

[Gin]

That's what we really miss- the guy who missed us and wanted to hug us,

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I know Marg, we do still have people that we need to live for whether we want to or not.  Hugs.

Here is my dilemna.  I have no one to go for.  I didn't realize how much Steves social butterfly personality filled this place with life. Yes, I know a couple of people relishing thier lives as they are living as they always have, even complaining about how much there is to do, but all in all....I am on my own now.  Volunteering helps, til I come home.  A few hours of distraction a week is nothing compared to knowing you had a home with someone.  I read Martys article about loneliness and solitude and have changed routines around voids.  But even the changes remind me of the void because I had to make them.  This is so heartbreaking for us all to start over again when we were chugging along like everyone else.  Content.  That is what I miss.  Good, bad, crisis, excitement....we were content.  I don't know if that is achievable by myself.  

[Gwenivere]

Steve, made it thru OK.   The storm here was not as bad as it was expected to be.  Didn't lose power which was great.  I'm really sore today from being so tense tho.  I see Kay made it thru too except for her truck not starting. The coast was really ravaged here.  Like a dummy I had the news on and finally went....this is crazy!  All you are doing is scaring yourself!  

[brat#2]

Yeah, both Gwen and Kay are safe and made it through, I'm assuming without much trouble.  Sorry Kay that you truck won't start.  Hopefully now though you both can relax a little! Hugs

Joyce

 

[Brad]

Phew!  Good news.  Also am sorry about the truck that won't start.  Maybe give the engine a chance to dry off, wipe down the battery terminals.  Could be moisture from the storm.

[kayc]

I'll deal with the truck on Tuesday, too busy today and tomorrow.  I hope you're right.

I feel very fortunate we didn't lose power, which is nothing short of a miracle in itself.  We usually lose it for much less than this.  Rain will continue but hopefully not as hard.

Gwen, I'm relieved you're okay!  My sister called and her son lives in Bellevue, WA and had a tree come down on a neighbor's fence, so they drove up there and helped fix it, cleaned his gutters, cleaned the roof and picked up branches in the yard.  he's lucky to have them!  (They're in Aloha, OR).

[kayc]

Truck turned out to be a bad battery, so they swapped it out since it was only eleven months old.
 

Now I have a worse problem...I banged my front teeth on a glass the other day, woke up yesterday with them hurting.  This is an expensive bridge and if the tooth dies I lose the whole thing making me toothless in the front...I don't mind back ones out, but no can do the front ones!  Yet w/o $, I'm stuck.  So hoping and praying it settles down w/nothing adverse!

Gosh, I swear it's always something.

[Gin]

Kay,

i feel for you.  I have always had teeth problems.  Lots of crowns, etc.. Lately I have gotten decay under the old crowns.  I wish you well and hope it all just settles down.

Gin

[kayc]

Yeah, it cost me a grand fortune recently when I had to replace a crown that had gotten decay under it.  I only have two natural teeth left, the rest are either crowns, bridge, or pulled.   It does feel less sore today so I'm hoping...

[KarenK]

Kay,

Had to laugh, not at you, but myself. I went and counted my teeth. I actually have 20 left! Most of my molars are gone & all wisdom teeth. They didn't enhance my wisdom anyway. It's terrible how teeth affect our well being. When your teeth hurt, you hurt all over. I went to the dentist on Tuesday expecting to get a molar pulled. Nope. It is in there too solid. All, of my 5 temporary fillings are still in place, but the dentist foresees some of these teeth coming out. He doesn't want me to waste money on filling these and he can redo the temporary fillings, if necessary. Unless of course, they start causing a lot of pain. Like you, I sure don't want to lose any front teeth. Guess I am too vain.

[Gin]

Karen,. I just counted mine...only 15 and some of them capped.  No, we do not want to lose front ones!

[kayc]

I have eight uppers, eight lowers.  No extras!  All crowned but two (and two of them part of a bridge)...one is a straggler and does me no good.

Yeah, I told my neighbor about my concerns and he was laughing at the picturesque thought of me looking like "one of Oakridge's finest!"  
Happily I didn't feel any pain yesterday so they either died or got better!

[Margm]

It comes to mind that if we are cut with a knife, we all bleed red.  I have discovered that after a year the 17th of October, I no longer think "he was right here with me last year" and now I think "I absolutely do not remember what I was doing this time last year, but Billy was not with me for sure."  I do have the sad grief, will have it always, but I seem to collect the fear grief more often.  It is now "what the hell am I doing?"  And, I totally do not know.  Still do not have the boxes unpacked.  I do not want to do that.  I won't do that.  I am making sure my granddaughter goes to school.  Actually, I take her and sit in a comfy chair in the lobby and read my Kindle the full time she is in class.  It is okay with the people, they ignore me.  I look at the pictures of the directors on the wall and I see many pictures.  My director is next to the first one, back in the days when the pictures were not color pictures.  Yes, it has been that long. She does not leave class, but she does not want me to leave.  She cannot see me, but just knowing I am there, she feels better.  We have made very big strides.  Her counselor is so proud.  Her mom is just angry, but that is the way things are with her all the time.  She has a very unquiet mind.  My wish for everyone is a quiet, peaceful mind.  I know it is sad, but I long for peace.

[MartyT]

Your granddaughter is blessed to have you in her life, dear Marg.  ♥

[Margm]

We all know I am the lucky one.  I just wish her mama's mind would slow down and the rage would go away.  All we ever want for our kids is for them to be happy.  Sometimes you cannot fix what is broken, no matter how hard you try.  My mama's unquiet mind lasted 95 years.  Life is hard for some people.

[Margm]

I find myself remembering Billy's death mask too much.  It was my last sight of him, but it was not him.  I don't know who it was but he had stole Billy.  I wonder if putting pictures of him around would help.  But I cry when I see him.  I don't think it is time. My daughter gets solace with his picture everywhere. I think everything in its own time.  I will talk to doc Friday.  Wish I had more faith in doc's.  Just wish I had more faith period.

I wonder if I am alone in the fact I was not going to let him die?  I had full belief I was going to get him through this.  I was not going to let him die and I was not going to let him give up.  And I knew it was terminal but that didn't matter, I was not going to let him give up.  Oh how I wished I had asked his feelings, but I would not believe he would die.  I wish my last emotion had not been anger at him because he knew he had no choice.  If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

[KarenK]

Marg,

I wonder how many of us could not comprehend the fact that our big, strong, tough guy could not beat anything at all, even death. Even as I watched Ron's health deteriorate, I still refused to see it. We just never discussed the fact that he might die or if the subject was breached, I would simply "joke" him out of it. I guess the joke was on me. I never had any thought that I might have to save him from death, but instead from all the inept medical care he was receiving. I protected him the best I could and yet it was not enough. It is not his face that haunts me, but my daughter's instead. His was serene while hers bespoke agony.