If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Kevin, this is all great news!  So glad for you!  Yeah, you guys had some pretty cold weather!  Makes me feel guilty about complaining about the snow we had except it really was a hardship as it was heavy/wet stuff I couldn't keep up with shoveling, try as I might.

[kevin]

KayC ,The wet heavy snow is a heart attack trap.....I met a guy whose son in law died shoveling (45 years old)......We actually may have a bit of a melt today....Going to start idled vehicles today, and clean up pathways....Gwen, are you guys storming again? Saw something about west coast again...

[Margm]

My flatlander cousin, and her husband, moved to Michigan, just off Lake Michigan.  They have adapted.  They got to see both doctor son's children, all their grandchildren grow up.  They built a home, three story home, built to adapt to the cold in the area.  My cousin-in-law, he now has Parkinson's disease, is probably 80 years old by now as they are a little older than me.  He falls a lot.  He has inherited arthritis and is in pain constantly.  They have a gardener on payroll that follows along behind him and picks him up when he falls.  The man does not give up.  He also has a pacemaker.  He loves to shovel that snow.  I just marvel at y'all that handle all of this, but this man is my hero.  They fixed him a bed close to the floor with all the things he needs because he would fall out of bed.  He has to use Energizer batteries in his pacemaker, that is all I can figure as to how he keeps going.  I had to leave rocky Arkansas, no level ground where I lived.  Houses built on different levels and my horror was falling.  I left the other apartment house mainly because of the front steps being wide concrete steps.  I knew I would fall eventually.  I am such a coward.  You all living in the cold north with all  the ice and snow, it is so beautiful.  I just have to be so careful, I cannot take pain pills.  

[Gwenivere]

No storms here, Kevin.  I try and catch the weather and it looks like rain/sun and about 50 degrees.  Don’t hate me!  😎

[Margm]

I know they are proud for you Gwen.  Me too.  Hope  you are in better circumstances and feeling better.  Hope you are at home.

 

[Gwenivere]

Not sure what you are referring to, Marg, for being proud.  I’m still in the rehab center.  

[kevin]

I miss the milder temperatures and beauty of the mountains.....have a couple of trips planned later in the year......

[kayc]

Kevin, I mete out my shoveling with breaks, try not to get over-exerted, I know I'm not 40 anymore.  I can see a young guy doing that, they think they're invincible...none of us are.

No sun here, no sign of it, just pouring rain 24 hours a day, all last week and now this week too.  That's okay, that is what coats with hoods are for.

[KarenK]

I can usually mention Ron or Debbie without tears now. After all, they've been gone for nearly 7 yrs. and 6 yrs. I decided to clean out some old stuff in the filing cabinet. I'm really good about keeping paperwork, maybe too good. I found an old folder marked "Report Cards". It was grade school stuff from Robert and Debbie. It took the wind right out of my sails seeing her name and remembering her as a little girl. I don't usually go there. It's so very sad and painful. I just broke down and cried.

[scba]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

I don't usually go there. It's so very sad and painful. I just broke down and cried.

Last week I needed to check an old notebook where my bf kept our passwords. It was sad and painful to open it. There was a list written by me of places to send my CV when I moved to his city. New beginnings..... It broke my heart, for a moment it all seemed like a dream I made up in my mind. It is a feeling that never left and didn't evolve into something else.

I closed the notebook without finding the password. 

[Margm]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

I don't usually go there. It's so very sad and painful.

Still cannot go there Karen.  I have two huge plastic boxes, the biggest ones Walmart has, I decided to clean one out.  Nope, just closed the lid.  No more.  Don't know what my kids will do with them.  Maybe burn them.  So many has double pictures anyhow.  Mama used to put them all in photo albums.  Even the boxes I left behind.  She enjoyed doing it.  Not me.

[Margm]

I have a note Billy wrote and put on the computer screen.  It says "Love you.  Be home by noon" and I put it on his wooden urn.  Kind of striking when you look at it.  

 

[kayc]

I feel the same way.  I have a large plastic tub full of photos of when I had a family...husband and two kids.  I never look in it.  There's times I'd like to see a particular picture but I visit it in my mind, I can't rifle through that.  It reminds me that "another family bit the dust."  Of what was and never will be again.  Divorce is hard.  Even when you understand all the reasons for it, it's still hard.  I don't think it's meant to be painless.  And then I have a large drawer that has all my cards, etc. with George...it too is hard to go into.  I can't bring myself to rifle through it either.  I treasure my memories with him and I'm grateful for them, but it's hard to go down that rabbit hole and stir up all that emotion.  Barely handle the life I have now.  I stay in today for the most part.  Still, knowing the love we shared, all that we had together, even if fleeting  it is reassuring...at least I had it...once.

[Gene123]

I lost my beloved husband one month ago. Most of the day I feel that I am just in maximum pain on the inside of my body  and on the outside would not care if some one hurt me. I don’t care if the sun comes up tomorrow. About 20 percent of the day I feel like me. How do I move forward? How?

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gene123 said:

I lost my beloved husband one month ago. Most of the day I feel that I am just in maximum pain on the inside of my body and on the outside would not care if some one hurt me. 

About 20 percent of the day I feel like me. How do I move forward? How?

Gene123:  I am sorry to read of your recent loss of your dear husband.  You ask how to move forward?  I wish I could say there was a simple answer for you that would relieve that pain inside of you.  Unfortunately I haven't found that simple answer for myself.  I lost my husband almost five years ago after over 50 years of marriage and some days I would give anything to feel 20 percent of the way I used to feel while married to him.  I think your joining this forum is a good start to your moving forward.  Each one of us here have a different story of how we  are dealing with our grief.  I found getting through one minute, or one hour at a time will turn into one day that I have survived without his love and support. 

Please know, you are not alone.  Warm wishes, Dee.

  

[Margm]

Gene123:  After three days I wanted to follow him.  I had a plan.  I thought of no one but myself and being with him.  My kids found out, they were so angry.  I had doubts of my religion that made me doubt trying to follow him.  That 3rd day I found this forum.  Now it has been four years and three months, close to four.  I realize I can do nothing but stay here.  Something I found out, after the third year, I think, I could see the flowers in the spring and the changing of colors.  So many things I avoid to keep from getting personally/mentally hurt.  Plans are something I don't think about. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. (Robert Frost).  I would have loved to have 54 more years with him.  You have good days, more bad days.  Then as time goes by you have "just days."  This place saved my life.  It will show you that "widow's brain" is actually a real thing.  Concentration comes and goes and then comes more and more and yet, it still goes too.  I tried talking it out with pastors and for the first time in my life, my faith did not take any pain away.  But, Billy always helped me with my faith.  He didn't understand why I was so steadfast, but if he saw I was possibly not allowing myself to feel my faith, he would say something that brought it back.  I pray at night and I pray to Jesus, but somehow Billy is standing beside him so I talk to both of them.  Cannot explain that, but it works for me.  You just have  to keep going, even though you get tired.  This helped me, putting earbuds in my ears and listening to meditation.  Then it didn't help me.  People on this forum help, having them hurt does not help, but knowing what I feel, others feel also.  Please just keep reading.  When it gets the roughest, find the first posts of those that are walking in your shoes right now and think about one day wearing our shoes.  Won't make you feel any better possibly, but you will know we are still here.  We hurt, but one day you will realize flowers still bloom.  Maybe you won't know why, but you will see them.  

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Gene123 said:

I lost my beloved husband one month ago. Most of the day I feel that I am just in maximum pain on the inside of my body  and on the outside would not care if some one hurt me. I don’t care if the sun comes up tomorrow. About 20 percent of the day I feel like me. How do I move forward? How?

Your brain, mind and heart are in shock mode.  You are doing better than I did at a little over a month.  I didn’t feel like me at all.  Just numb til the pain took over full time.  Of course I cried right away, but I had no idea the depth of on coming reality.  I understand feeling like the world would not notice if I disappeared and feel that at 5 years still.  There are so many experiences here.  Some you will relate to like your own, others will scare you and some will help you thru a particular darkness.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything posted here there wasn’t someone here couldn’t help with.  We also have Marty, the administrator, who has written many articles and has links to many common bumps in the road, plus a heart of gold.  I don’t know what I’d do without this place as my refuge from the world that truly does not understand.  They will say they do, but they don’t.  I have counselors that help, but the people here will rally for you.  Write whatever is in your heart.  You will be heard.  Ask and people will try and help.  Vent if that is you need.  We are here.

 

 

 

 

[Margm]

On 1/26/2020 at 12:46 PM, kevin said:

The wet heavy snow is a heart attack trap.

Ice on my son's windshield when he ventured out before 9:00 a.m.  The day before I ran car A/C for awhile.  Put on sweater coat to go out yesterday, had to come out of it.  Shirtsleeves again.  Nights cold, days kind of warm.  Louisiana weather.  I'll take it.  Do not like big temperature changes, means tornadoes.  The good with the bad I guess.  

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gene123 said:

I lost my beloved husband one month ago. Most of the day I feel that I am just in maximum pain on the inside of my body  and on the outside would not care if some one hurt me. I don’t care if the sun comes up tomorrow. About 20 percent of the day I feel like me. How do I move forward? How?

Of course you don't care at this point, your whole life has been upended!  And it doesn't come with an instruction manual on how to proceed.  At this point you're doing well to get out of bed and eat something.  When my George died, I didn't see how I could live a week without him...it's now been 14 1/2 years.  One day at a time.  Best advice I ever got.  I've learned to live in the present as anything else is too much and if I try the past or future I am robbed of what good there is today.  I had to learn to look for good where it may lie, albeit fleeting and not compare with the big joy that was in my life before...my George.  I will take whatever good there is!  I need it.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself in the same place as the rest of us.  I want to let you know that this place was a lifesaver to me all those years ago and the people here have become my extended family...we've gotten close and "get" each other, that's helped tremendously and I hope you also are helped here.
In addition to the countless articles Marty has here, the whole gamut of grief topics, she has a one year course as well.

I wrote this article at about ten years out, of the things I've found helpful over the years...some may not resonate with you right now but I hope something pops out at you as something helpful and something else months or even years on down the road...this is an ever-evolving journey.  The pain you are in today will not be the same five years from now but always you will continue to love and miss him.  I have learned to co-exist with my grief.  Everyone finds their own way through this, little by little.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[kayc]

You have to love the title to this thread...it's a catchall for all the stuff we find ourselves dealing with that we didn't have to when they were alive.  I discovered my gutters weren't doing their job and it's ruining my siding.  Called someone to come clean the gutters, normally I only have to do it once a year but had to mid-winter this year, they were totally plugged.  Called a contractor to adjust the gutters so they flow better, haven't heard back, this is a busy guy so I hope I hear from him SOON.  George would have taken care of it, no problem. 

 

[kevin]

LAST TEN DAYS A NEW KIND OF HELL, got a call that my youngest Child was being air lifted to the University hospital......Call was from my x wife and the news only got worse......My daughter(37 years old)who just broke up with her boyfriend , went on a Party Binge, and somehow got in a psychotic state and walked out in -40 weather....This state was Crystal Meth induced but that is ongoing issue.....I thought,and the burn unit concurred, she may loose a leg/feet parts........These drugs, as most of us know, foster a paranoia of the highest degree.....that was recognized by the health care personal and she was on an anti psychotic drug  day 2......she was not a nice person to be around. Day 5 got the word from head nurse, case worker, and  shrink progress was  good (no amputations) and an assessment was done.(got a prescription for the antipsychotic meds).........Entire family involved by now, good support but few answers....(kids been to rehab 4 times, I shared this in a letter to all the health workers), by know she was walking to the elevator to get to smoking area.....Day 9-10 she was released to me and she had meds for a month......she is now on her way to stay with a school friend many miles away and her family ........I'm hoping this may have scared her straight and this new start will be what she needs....these drugs take their toll on you........ 

[Margm]

Kevin, you know we had to move my son in with us back in early 1990's.  He told his dad one time he was going to town and Billy told him to go ahead and go, but don't come back. (He didn't go).  He was IVing these things too.  Got hep-C probably from dirty needles.  Fixing that hep-C was another story, hard.  Clear now, cannot drink alcohol, and I trust him 100%.

His son has been lost in the drug jungles of California.  Been to rehab numerous times.  I read the notes he wrote to his dad on FB, or tried to read them.  He was so delusional I could not understand them and they went lengthy, on and on, purely psychotic and paranoid.  Picture in newspaper of him pulling big knife on policeman.  They kept him in jail a minimal amount of time.  Scott has been out there 2-3 times going into wooded drug jungles that police told him he was lucky to get out of alive.  How the boy has made it this long I don't know.  He took any kind of drug, even sniffed Tylenol.  I knew his brain was fried.  This has gone on over 10-15 years.  It is a miracle he is alive.  Now we know he is in a constant care facility, under medication and diagnosed as schizophrenic.  I don't think there is a diagnosis for fried brain.  Worries his dad so bad, because he has been through it.  He lived with him a long time and had to leave to  keep his own sobriety.  

My heart is with you.  Know you are worried.  My son is 57 now and has been clean since early 1990's, but you can hardly believe some of the things he did, but  maybe you can.  I hope my grandson can stay in this facility.  He sounds sane on medication.  

Heart with your family..

 

[kayc]

Kevin, I'm sitting here in a state of disbelief...my daughter is 37 also, her life's a mess but not drugs, a soon to be XH, but that's another story for another time.  I AM SO SORRY!  This involves not just her but everyone who cares about her.  And yes, let's hope it's scared her straight!  My heart goes out to you, that's a lot to comprehend, let alone deal with.  Adding her to my prayers...

[kevin]

Thanks Marg and KayC, this drug thing just is something I've dealt with for over 30 years and my solution is cut off the head of the snake .    Chinese type penalties for  dealers and Pill Mills........

[Margm]

Kevin, I had legal biphetamines in early 1970's, I was in a female circle of people who used my gynecologist  as their "drug mill."  I did this for seven years.  Never any illegal.  Then I heard the federal boys talking to him in his office.  I was next patient.  He said "they seem to think I have women hooked on pills, is that what you think?"  I said certainly not, "now write me my prescription" which he did, but the next month he tried to substitute one that was totally less effective, and legal.  I quit going.  After seven years, I went cold turkey.  I destroyed my house, like to have cut my wrist off with a broken candle and hit Billy in the head with the reel end with me swinging the fishing pole.  He bled.  I hit an artery on myself and had blood everywhere.  I worked at a hospital, I knew doctors.  (The ER doc was a neighbor or he would have sent me directly to psych ward.)  Instead, I went back to my "provider" with my stitched, very thick wrapped hand.  He saw me, held up his hands, walked backwards and would not see me.  I left totally hysterical, got in my car and blindly drove to first psych doc I recognized name who immediately put me in the hospital.  I was so bad off, I thought that first antidepressant had cured me, I felt so much better.  A man had seen me hysterical and followed me and when he saw where I went, he waved me an okay sign.  They shut off the "dealer" to women from Texas, Tennessee, all over the Ark-La-Tex.  I took them because I could stay awake all night, (working 11-7)  most of the day and sleep the evenings when Billy came home.  That way both of us would be with our kids at all times.  I did this seven years and the mental hold that drug had on me was horrible, for years, but I didn't take another one.  When I was examined finding my cancer, on the thing I filled out I did put being on the biphetamines for seven years.  It was an older doctor and he said "yeah, Dr. XXX got a lot of our women hooked on amphetamines.  (He is gone now), but there are plenty of doctors that got our people hooked on opiates.  Drug dealers come in white coats too.