If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

The census is very barebones and simple.  I've received four of them in the mail so had to call them again today.  Amazon isn't getting their orders out and won't tell you anything, they are inundated.  This is a good time to practice patience.  

Going to go walk Kodie again, thank God for his sweet company!

[Gwenivere]

That’s pretty ironic the health computers would get a virus.  If it wasn’t so serious, it would be amusing.

People are stocking up on TP I guess cause most buy as they need.  I buy on sale so have a lot of it.  It certainly has nothing to do with our nature needs.  We live in a world where anything is there when we need it.  I noticed some food areas picked pretty slim like certain canned goods and fresh and frozen produce since we are supposed to 'social distance' for at least 2 weeks.  I’m guessing it will be more like a good month.  The stores will probably go low on everything as shipments were not set for more as more and more people have to stay home.  I’m hoping this doesn’t hit pharmacies too hard.  The hospitals are turning away possible exposure people.  We have drive thrus for testing now.  

This is going to be a hard mental adjustment as well.  At least we know more about cleanliness and have lots of ways to pass the time unlike the flu pandemic in the early 1900s.  But still, people need social contact.  I had a Direct TV tech here and didn’t think twice about the remote when he handed it back.  Nope, this is a fear/anxiety a pill won’t cure, but I’m glad I have mine to make things not so overwhelming after a day of lack of even strangers energy.

[kayc]

They're telling us two months now, not two weeks.  

I think not touching our face/eyes is harder than we realize.  Even the lady from the CDC reporting to us touched hers.  We do it unconsciously.  And I don't have the hand sanitizer to wipe everything down.  We'll likely run out of disinfectant before this is over.  The hoarders got it all.

I pray the truckers keep trucking.  One thing about the early 1900s that we don't have now...families lived closer together and could check on each other.  These days they're spread out all over and have little contact.

[KarenK]

This has gotten absolutely insane. Wish people would quit acting so asinine. Was going to go grocery shopping with my son but he convinced me to stay home for safety. He went, but gave up as there was no milk, bread, hamburger, frozen foods, eggs, nothing of the basics. Going hungry certainly scares me more than possibly getting sick, although either would kill me.........  Still, this is ridiculous. Some stores are  opening from 5-6 AM for senior shoppers. Why bother? There's no food!

[KarenK]

It's no wonder.....

Robert watches YouTube a lot, especially this fellow that hikes around the world showing various cities and scenery. This from Canada.....He's sitting on a park bench and a woman(non Caucasian) comes up, blows her nose in a tissue, and proceeds to wipe down  the top and front of the back rest with the tissue. No apparent reason. She doesn't sit down, just walks away. The world is sick in more ways than one!

[Gwenivere]

Insane is right.  Every day I wake up to more things closed or restricted.  Tiday it was the vet.  I logically know this is the wisest thing to do, but the endless stream the media creates is taking a toll.  People are getting paranoid and overly frightened. I don’t know how some people will tolerate this, myself included as you, Kay, pointed out people had others around to check on them.  My neighbors and lack of don’t have anything to with me.  Lost the ones that did moved last year after almost 10 years.  I really didn’t appreciate how nice it was havin g simevnext door for help and interaction.  Our stores seem to be holding up, tho I thought it was a sale that cleaned out bread but it wasn’t THAT good a sale.  

There won’t be any bars open for St. Patty’s Day.  Not a biggie to me, but an example of how our lives really aren’t our own during this.  It’s like a state of Marshall law.  If you aren’t depressed as we all are, many soon will be.  Hear this is hitting teenagers very hard.  This is a critical time in personality development popular or not.  This is the most close knit social time for kids growing up.  

My big concern is pharmacies.  I know (not personally) lots of people may not have back up meds because of the month to month fills most have.  I didn’t even think to submit my latest to an express service my insurance offers.  Tho they could get hit too.  There are meds that skipping even a day could be dangerous.  Hospitals as well as ours are running low on basic supplies like gloves.  

Its justified fear we are being forced into.  It’s an awful feeling.

 

[Margm]

18 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 People are getting paranoid and overly frightened.

Here I am.  I am paranoid and overly frightened.  

I know my IQ is at least average, and after testing at a college so I could help Brianna with her home school, they told me I did not need help with anything, I scored better than high school students that had just graduated.  I know that came from all my reading (love history, etc.), and typing, sometimes 10 hours a day, some weeks when I was younger working all seven days.  I had to help her with a "common sense" three questions.  We missed all three.  So much for my intelligence and help with home teaching.  

My family, we have all come close to disaster and I've got to tell you, I knew Billy was mortal, but I honestly figured that laid back personality, my calming partner, my no nonsense fellow, I figured he would outlive all of us.  He kept me calm and if he couldn't keep me calm, he would get peeved with me.  I didn't like that, so I would calm myself, but right now I am like that robot on the long ago series "Lost in Space" and the robot would go crazy saying "warning Will Robinson" and that is about my level of anxiety.  I know to calm myself down, but that automatic switch I lived with for 54 years is broken and lost.  Nothing we can do.

I have the local news running all day, so I think I will turn that off.  Turn it to music or those documentaries on Netflix that show photography all over the world with no talking and soothing music.  

I do have to go to the store tomorrow.  

I was told if I didn't understand, search for information.  I was thinking we were dealing with another flu, then they started closing down things, and I learned we had no immunity to this mutant virus and some of my medical terminology came back and I didn't like what I was reading.  But, at my age, at my sister's age, at my daughter's lack of immunity  (though the last platelet infusion made her so much better she won't need another, until the platelets fall again)  My son decided to get into the work program of the VA training and loves his job, but it only involves patients on the ophthalmology floor and that makes him safer, plus they keep them supplied with sanitary equipment and products.  But, my job is to worry, and I exceed the limits of a professional worrier.  

Am I really that bad?  Yeah, I am.  And after so many years in psychotherapy, I know all the things to do.  Will I do them?  Probably not.  

[Gwenivere]

Egads, Marg!  Do turn off that news all day. I’m even skipping most of the local news except for the weather or if they run a story like a guy that got attacked by a mountain lion.  That’s perverse but I can’t take anymore about this virus. It’s bad enough it is affecting just about every facet of my life as it is.  Today was a message from the vet that they want to take your dog in for visits and then come back to the car to discuss with you any concerns on check ups or vaccines.  This is mentally hard to handle for us just trying to live day to day.  At least the people in offices have others to talk to.  I’m sick of talking on the phone but have to now.  My counseling has come to that.  I keep trying to think of things to do to get me around people just to feel life exists. I can’t remember the last time I had contact with someone for real.  I think it was the nursing home before lock downs began.  So many people I miss there I would love to visit but can’t.  This is even making my Xanax less effective.  I see why people went nuts in solitary confinement and it has been deemed torture now.  To also be so limited by pain, I can’t catch up on things around the house with this extra time.  I’ve made so many calls today and got so little accomplished except more medical appointments I don’t want but have to get to get test results or my knee drained.  Often I think it would be preferable to not wake up.  Solves these messes.  

[Margm]

I turned it off.  Without school, Brianna sleeps days and stays up all night.  That is okay with me.  Kelli does the same thing.  I already have altered my hours until I am staying up until 1:00 a.m. and do not go to sleep until I read  some.  They have called off our 60th year school reunion and that made me so happy.  Most of those people I have memories of looking like teenagers.  It is a shock when I look into the mirror.  We are the elderly now.  There is a guy I see each time I go to Walmart and he looks familiar, he stares at me like he knows me.  Recently the guy he reminds me of asked to be a friend on FB and I accepted, we graduated together.  He was timid and had crossed eyes back in days of premedical miracles.  He had them fixed first thing.  We were friends, but just because he was friends with my cousin.  I guess there are a lot of lonely people out there.  I think I'm turning into my mother.  I try to watch my memory close and I did turn off the light in the bathroom instead of flushing the commode, but I corrected that fast.  I understand why I can see movies more than once though.  I do not have to concentrate on them as hard.  I do not want to read in the daytime, only my reading time at night.  I have become cranky, cynical, and possibly sometimes difficult.  But, I realize all that.  I've always been told how sweet I was all my life, I kind of like being cranky.  I'll go out with a bang and them saying "Damn, I'm glad she's gone."  (That would be too sad).  I think actually the older you get you don't want Heaven to send you back.  

[Gwenivere]

I look in the mirror too and wonder who that person is.  How I never thought the old people I saw in my youth would ever happen to me.  I turned into my mother a long time ago in certain ways.  I more feel I am turning into someone I’ve never known as my stepfather outlived her.  Tho she did lose my father.  Never would talk about out.  She had me too late in life to have helped me, she would be well over 100 now.  I don’t know how I will go out, but I have the feeling it won’t be peaceful.  Too many maladies.  I don’t like being cranky/hostile as I am becoming.  I miss the more outgoing me, even the one after Steve died.  This last year really did me in physically and mentally and this virus crap is not helping at all.  Too creepy out there with so little going on that resembles normal life I got to at least see if not be a true part of.  I miss........life.  

Making a very small corned beef.  House smells wonderful.  Will really miss my dinner companion.  Dogs  get nothing As I so rarely cook.  They get canned chicken.  This is mine!

[Margm]

Oh Gwen, that is so profound and true.  We all miss life as we knew it.  Someone just sent me a letter from a doctor in Italy.  I did not read but the first paragraph.  I have had a Xanax.  According to this letter it will do no good to worry.  This pushed me over the edge.  Guess I needed a good push.  I really did say that when Billy and I started RVing that we were going to outrun death.  We got to RV a year, but we lived in the RV for 4-5-6 years before we retired.  We would move it all over Shreveport and imagine we were traveling, then we would drive to work and then in August of 1997, we retired and hit the road.  The most beautiful day I made coffee, went outside, there were dead leaves falling, it was like autumn and to my right was the Arkansas river that was our first trip.  Nope, we were going to live forever.  We did this one year.  Billy wanted to stay longer in places and I wanted to see as much as I could before I knew would happen.  And it did.  But, if the choice was RVing or our son, it would always be our son.  And he got himself off drugs on his own, and he was in deep.  We just provided a safe place to fall.  We moved him to the art town in Arkansas and he had a lot of his work shown, a doctor bought the first piece for his office and at the charity auctions his art made lots of money for the charity, but people don't have money in small towns to pay for the amount of work (which it was not work to him).  He is an excellent artist but has been in a depression since his dad left.  He will never make money off of his art.  He even has a piece in Washington State in some girl's house and he used it to pay his rent in friend's houses.  I hope he finds it again.  

You sounded good in this last note you wrote.  We have to pick each other up sometimes, I guess.  They try to get me to go to a doctor and honestly, with my group insurance and Medicare I can be seen for free.  They cannot stop my pain, it is not bad enough to make me sit in a wheelchair, and I am ever so careful.  As long as the MiraLax every night, the Xanax as I need it, the blood pressure and the water pills keep my legs from swelling too much, no blood from anywhere, extreme temperature, I have no use for a doctor.  I go twice a year strictly for the Xanax.  They know I don't want any pinching, pulling, or measuring anything, we will all get along okay.  Antibiotics mess with my colon, so will hope I do not need any of that.  

And as the world is concerned right now, I'm not sure any of us can do a thing except self-isolation.  I do have to go to the store tomorrow but will shower as soon as I get home.  

It is time for reading.  Your corned beef sounds wonderful.  My son just came to his apartment and I fixed spaghetti.  He just got off work.  I know he would love it but everybody is afraid they will bring some virus into the house (He works at VA Hospital).  

Raining in La.  Had the A/C on today.  The pollen is terrible and rain will make it less.  Of course people are going to cough and sneeze, it is spring allergy season.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Marg.  I don’t feel any better, maybe I am adapting to being disabled in so many ways.  I know anything besides sitting with my legs crossed (very bad thing to do with circulation probs) is going to hurt.  So I sitlonger than I should making it worse.  

I’m glad you have Kelli and your son during this isolation.  

Steve and I were nesters.  He traveled a lot for work back in the day.  I did too for technical schools my job sent me to to be certified.  Always a good time.  And in someone else’s dime.  We wouldn’t do well in an RV.   We both needed space.  That us why we molded this house to meet our shared and individual needs.  

I hate being prodded by med people.  I feel like a specimen.  Especially when they don’t help me which has been the case for months.  I find out next week how bad my back is.  Supposed to get a cyst in my knee drained, be assessed for vascular isssues and meet a replacement for my former pulmonologist.  Hard to do when you’ve given up caring.  Funny you should bring up miralax with the Xanax.  Might need that myself.  New dosages of meds have me messed up and you know how uncomfortable that gets.  Gads, what a thing to be talking about.  

I found out how to ruin a corned beef. The thermometer said the temp wasn’t high enough so I nuked it too long after simmering.  Shrunk it down and made it too dry.  But the potatoes I threw in the water came out great so I had more a potato dinner.  At least thevhouse still smells good.I’m planning scrambled eggs tonight and can pull that off.  Warm them at dinner at a lower power level.  

Yup, he and I were supposed to do this old age thing together for awhile longer.  He broke the rlules.  Well, nature did.  62 was so unfair.  Our parents all made their 70’s at least.  Widowed at 58?  Nope, something wrong with that.  We’ve entered the invisible stage of life.  That would be OK if I had my invisible counterpart.  Wouldn’t care then, we could see each other and that would be all that mattered.  

[Margm]

40 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Funny you should bring up miralax with the Xanax.

Doctor told me I scared him.  Told the nutritionist I could NEVER get off the low residue diet, discharged me and actually  never had a followup.  Not only did I scare him, I was socially outcast from him.  So, if I had to go it alone, That is what I am doing for six years this month, still in a coma this time six years ago from sepsis.  A messy business.  I don't mind talking about it.  I cannot get too far away from my "necessity" and we have two bathrooms in the apartment.  Had to have it.  I ate chocolate, not supposed to, and I have crosses on the wall directly across from me 7-8 on the wall.  And I promised not to do that again.  The pain was terrible.  So MiraLax and such just goes along with the colon rupture and the joke about which is the most important organ in the body.  If it shuts down, it poisons all other organs.  So, talking about it does not bother me but if I was sitting in a quiet church, the noise that travels from one side of my gut to the other would certainly disrupt a service, so I watch church on TV.  

[kayc]

20 hours ago, KarenK said:

Some stores are  opening from 5-6 AM for senior shoppers. Why bother? There's no food!

They restock at night so they're giving seniors first crack at it.  Doesn't help me though because I come from so far and can't drive at night.  By the time I'd get there it'd all be gone.

 

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

He's sitting on a park bench and a woman(non Caucasian) comes up, blows her nose in a tissue, and proceeds to wipe down  the top and front of the back rest with the tissue. No apparent reason. She doesn't sit down, just walks away. The world is sick in more ways than one!

Maybe she has it and wants everyone else to get it?  The same way some gunman opens fire on a crowd.  Yes, some people are sick.  Makes you want to beat her up (okay, worst side of me coming out) or at least have her arrested!  No one can be that idiotic, that is purposeful!

Gwen, my Diabetic test strips were due 2/26, still haven't gotten them as the doctor and pharmacy keep botching things up.  My other Rxs I called in 3/9, still nothing.  It's a waiting game of perseverance and fight!

I'm glad you got your St Patty's Day dinner, Gwen!  Sounds wonderful!  Nothing to cook one with here so had salad and a lettuce wrap/chicken.  Nothing to write home about but good.

Kodie is teething so bad!  Yesterday he was chewing on something hard so I investigated and it was a back molar that had come out!  This morning I gave him a basted rawhide "bone" to chew on to help his gums feel better, am keeping an eye on him with it so if it starts breaking apart I can switch him to something else.  Arlie could tear into those no problem but Kodie is such a little guy, I'm very protective of him.

My daughter called last night (I didn't have any fireworks to set off!) she sounded strained, I recognize that sound, it was my first and second marriage...she answered questions carefully since it was hard for her to talk around "him"...his work has been put on hold, of course, he's bumped down to a minimum wage job with no tips until the virus threat is over, and she's getting job cuts (she has a house cleaning service), I told her I need lots of help here I can pay her for.  She needs a full day to come here but her two cancellations were both afternoons only.  Divorce still isn't final, it's been at the courthouse for three months, how can they drag it out so long?  She has four weeks left to file their taxes.  Don told her to tell me "hi."  I didn't know how to respond, does he think any part of what he's done is okay?  People are delusional.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

he and I were supposed to do this old age thing together

Yep...we even bought the porch swing.  But old age was far from there yet...he just had his 51st birthday.  I never dreamed he'd die so young, he looked too good to die and worked so hard!

[KarenK]

Marg, wondering how your trip to the grocery store went. Robert ran the grocery gauntlet for us so we won't starve for now. Had to substitute items we normally get with more expensive as so many aisles are completely bare. Had to go to a different store for hamburger, milk, and bread. Even though we have tons of grocery stores in this area, we also have about 4 million people using them. Just crazy!

[Margm]

Karen, I am going right now.  I'm actually afraid to go.  Gonna tackle it.  Will let you know with an addendum to this. 

ADDENDUM:  Nope, no TP at Walmart or Brookshires.  I think they are going to fix it for older people to come early in the morning.  (How are they gonna do that?)  Stocking fellow felt sorry for me and gave me the last three sanitizer wipers.  I like the spray on kind but what the heck.  Somewhere someone is sitting down with big packs of toilet paper smothered in whipped cream.  Geez, what are they expecting?  I really cannot come up with a reason for stocking up on toilet paper.  I have a good reason to always have them close, but this is more than I can understand. 

[Margm]

Okay, I'm gonna tell you something stupid I just did.  Still not worried.  Maybe I ought to be.  My daughter wrote me on Facebook and it slides in the side of whatever page I am on, so I just answered her on this page.  Now do you see how crazy worrying about toilet paper can make me!!!!!! 

[kayc]

What's funny is I didn't even notice anything was amiss.  I thought you were just giving us an update on TP in your area!

[Margm]

Life has been crazy for nearly five years.  Actually, six if you count my illness the year before we lost Billy.  I am totally discombobulated.   Can we go back to that big newspaper we got each day and get rid of all the news channels.  

I had cause to say something was "rough as a cob" and Brianna did not understand.  So, I explained to her that in the "olden days" when people had toilet houses,. they would keep toilet paper in it if they had it, but I can remember some grandparents home having the Sears Roebuck catalog hung up with a wire coat hanger holding it up and you could slide a page out.  Then I told her that people were corn farmers (and I can remember this)  In the picture is my mom, Kelli, my cousin, and my grandmother (and me).  That back field for acres and acres was planted in corn and sometimes (can't see it) but to the right was the sugar cane.  

Anyhow, I told Bri that people used to use dried corn cobs in outhouses and she was horrified that people actually used corn cobs for that.  I had to google it and read her people talking about it and she told me "never talk about that again."  I don't think I have laughed so much in a long time.  (No, I have never).  

Just wait until I tell her about slopping the hogs and what they threw into that big old container at the door to the outside of my grandmothers kitchen.  After they got the bathroom my grandfather took a bath and then he liberally used the talcum powder, which just happened to be the tub cleaner, Old Dutch Girl, or Blue Dutch Girl (all I remember is the Comet kind).   

We've come a long way baby, and now some crazy errant virus is smarter than us.   I actually can sort of understand the mutation of the virus easier than I can people buying all the toilet paper. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Just had some oxygen delivered and the driver told me it’s just too weird out there with so little traffic.  This lockdown is starting to get press about the mental aspects which it should.  Fears of more suicides and domestic violence.  I know I am getting more down ever day waking to my usual depression and not a day has gone by I don’t get an email about what the virus is affecting now as far as services and places.  I passed 2 large fitness gyms that usually crowd out every parking space and they were empty.  The restaurants that are open are take out only.  

I’m surprised you got any sanitizer at all, Marg.  Tho I noticed at my grocers that they have the wipes for the carts back.  I was looking for little boxes of raisins and saw the baking aisle was stripped of flour and lots of spices were depleted.  A few days ago it was bread.

 I’m running out of things to do in this quarantine.  I have to get out every day for a sanity drive and I mostly hit the grocery or Walgreens.  If I wasn’t in pain I’d walk around the block.  So many things I’d like to tackle in the house, but I can’t and that is so frustrating.  I wish I wanted to read or catch up on movies, but it’s not an afternoon thing for me.  I’m usually out for some reason.  I look at my calendar and my counseling is via phone now and anything else scheduled are doctor appointments.  Bleh. I was noticing I’ve not been talking to people and often not looking them in the eye.  I made it a point today to do so.  Made it better for the short time I was shopping.  I told one woman how gorgeous her hair was.  She was black and had blond dyed skinny braids and lots of them.  Made her happy and I felt I was paying forward the nice man that gave me the last small shopping cart saying he’d grab one from the parking lot.  I like to play this game in my head by seeing what people are going to buy if they are probably single or have a family, especially since there have been more men out and stocking up.  I’ll never know, but it is interesting what people buy.  I saw one older couple buying those huge jugs of water.  Maybe they were paranoid about the tap.  My counselor said she couldn’t find cat litter when she went out.  

The guy that delivered my portable oxygen said it was creepy even tho he could get places faster with no traffic.  I find it feeling that way too.  I should be getting frustrated trying to get home, not finding the longest routes to kill time.  

I’m glad we’ve evolved to TP from corn cobs and catalogs.  🙂

 

[KarenK]

Marg, you crack me up😂  I have heard of people accidentally grabbing the Bengay instead of Preparation H(ouch!) or brushing their teeth with Brylcreem(yuk!), but the tub cleaner for talcum powder is a new one.

When I first married Ron, he was trying to explain the living conditions where he was from in W. Va.  I was a bit worried to visit there when he said his folks had an outhouse, but not to worry as they had indoor plumbing for 5 yrs. now. This was in 1972. I thought "Good grief, who are these people?" The coal mining area and atmosphere was a real eye opener to me.

[KarenK]

We are becoming more in lockdown every day. Schools, restaurants, small businesses, all events, casinos( glad I gave that up), and today the library(makes sense for picking up a virus). Being at home doesn't bother me too much. I quit going places a long time ago. Can't afford the gas. It was a huge change after Ron left. We were always on the road. Sure am glad I have the Kindle to get books from the library.

[kayc]

Marg, you gave me my laugh of the day!  Laughter is good medicine.

 

[Gwenivere]

Lockdown here in Seattle is massive.  It’s like a ghost town.  I wish I was OK at being home but I’m not.  I tried to get my hair cut yesterday but those places are closed.  Didn’t think about the social distancing thing.  A new term in life now.  I just had a call from a mental health rep from my insurance to 'talk'.  She doesn’t really get the grief aspect with her suggestions for more sociability in a time that having your partner would make ths less depressing.  But we know people don’t unless they have been impacted themselves.  She wanted me to write down things I’m grateful for.  Hell, I know I am for a home, food, even the frustrating medical insurance.  What they cannot understand is personal interaction with your partner.  I had checked out visiting companions and think wow.....rent a friend.  But we aren’t really friends as I met those thru common interests and didn’t have to pay for scheduled time.  I’ve dealt with repair people this week so it wasn’t personal so I don’t break down into tears.  Talking about me I lose it.  I’m supposed to call my cousin tonight as it has been weeks and I know I will lose it and sh also will have suggestions.  She is alone but divorced and has grown kids and grandchildren she spends time with.  Except for here and one counselor I feel so utterly alone because.... I am.  I guess I’m too much an extrovert to handle this, or you others are better than me at these massive changes. I know I’d be doing better had I not just gotten out of that 35 day hospital stay to come home to this which is much the same.  Tho there I had interaction.  Just being acknowledged by name felt good.  So I take my chances and go out every day for maybe on item just to mentally breathe.  I don’t watch the news anymore.  Sick of emails every morning of more shutdowns.  Tired of listening to the panic interviews.  Well, I gotta get out of here.  Been on hold for more than half an hour for a vascular place that called me.  That’s more than my limit.  Haven’t a clue where to go but outta here.  

Anyone else going morenuts like me?  I admire you all that are taking this in stride.

[KarenK]

Gwen, somewhere along the way I have accepted the fact that Ron and Debbie are gone, never to return. I have already survived the two worst events of my life. I have died twice. What's happening now is nothing more than a major inconvenience to me(for now anyway). A favorite saying of one of my co-workers was "And this too shall pass". I hope that's true.

Not sure I can get any more nuts than I already am. The trick is to hide it😁