If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Joyce, the summer months have many repeat reminders for me.  I'm sorry for the sorrow of the day.  I really quit reading, watching, anything for October.  It was our favorite month to take pictures of the forests.  Cannot get rid of the calendar, but I would dare to leave off that terrible, and yet one of our favorite months.  Maybe he left at a time we both loved, but for the ones left behind, it is a torment anyhow.

Kay, when we lost those big front porches, we all denied ourselves the community power of front porch visiting.  My dad had his country music, bluegrass get together on Mondays.  Our big front porch was full and the musicians filled the living room and kitchen.  People brought lawn chairs.  Windows were open.  Neighbors were sitting in their yards.  That was small town, wonderful neighborhoods, a time very few get to take part in anymore.  Definitely not 2020.  I'm glad I was part of that time.  

[Gwenivere]

Finding a mouse would be tough.  Specially a smart one to the various ways to trap it.  I never could do harm as dead animals so bother me.  I don’t want them in here, but I don’t want them dying in here either like in a wall or having to find yucky traps.  I totally lucked out the rat that got in fell into my kitchen.garbage can so I could close the lid and take it outside.  Last night I saw what had been making noise out back since I shut the sliding screen door after that incident.  It was a possum I’d seen before.  Must have been hitting the screen trying to walk in.  Melody saw it when I let her out to pee and luckily is not a hunter.  It saw it a dive under the fence to my neighbors.  I found out once they don’t always play possum.  They can get nasty and bite.  

Looking at high 90's over the weekend.  Terribly uncomfortable by the water.  I miss my old neighborhood too before it went mostly rental and everyone knew each other.  If there ever was a time where being tight with your neighbors was needed it is now.  Life has become isolated enough.  Getting another covid test Monday as I go out so much for appointments, meds and shopping with my bad lungs.  I always feel I am in a sci fi movie.  And we accept it.  We have to.  It's just so weird!  The doc I saw today actually touched me without gloves on exam.  I hate doc stuff, but human touch felt good.

[kayc]

Marg, I feel lucky to still have that sense of community here, I love it here on my quiet dead end street.  There's a culdesac at the end where kids play and ride their bikes.  Neighbors call out to neighbors.  There are a couple of crazy ones, but I guess every neighborhood has them.  I love listening to my neighbor's grandchildren play in their yard, they put in a trampoline and an above ground swimming pool for them, they're here for the summer.  Something about children's squeals...

I've never had a mouse this elusive.  It seems to rove the entire house, but very little evidence of him.  They can get through 1/4" easily and I think make it through a place the plumber cut to get his hand through where the kitchen sink pipe is...I filled it in with abrasive steel scrubber & duct tape but it must have braved it anyway.  

Hard to believe you got touched by a doctor, Gwen!  Mine wears gloves, mask, doesn't take any chances.  I hope he disinfects his hands in between patients so you're not getting unnecessary risk.  Human touch, what's that?!  Had to go to the valley yesterday, had to wear the mask all day, ugh.  Yep, we're supposed to get to 100 this weekend too.  Eugene will probably be worse.

Gwen, possum can be vicious, as can any wild animal, even when cute.  I've had raccoons that look quite vicious and terrifying, I run them off!  I can't give in to mice no matter where they're at, I have to kill them, they've eaten through my car and pickup, the mechanical and upholstery, console, all, they will eat refrigerator wiring and washing machines, dryers, they know no bounds, they eat through the walls!  Mitch had to pay thousands of dollars to eradicate them, I can't afford that.  But the bugger won't go for bait.  I set a glue trap now, my last resort, I don't like them because they do not kill the animal, and they are messy, you have to kill it yourself after it gets stuck in there.  To subject it to a lingering to death is not humane to me.  Kodie barks at anything, I'm trying to teach him not to bark the deer off my place.  He'll get it eventually.  I may have shared the story about Arlie...I'd taught him NOT to bark at deer and horses, well apparently he felt it applied to bear too!  I was walking him one day and there was a large bear standing up in the street, down the road, and I tried to get him to bark at it to scare it off, nope, no go!  He hid behind me.  Big burly dog like him, hiding behind his mama!  So I figured he just needed the idea, so I barked at the bear, trying to get him to join in.  Nope!  Nada.  Tried some more, nothing.  Then I saw my neighbor looking out the window, pointing and laughing at me!  She couldn't see the bear from her vantage point, just me barking and Arlie hiding behind me!  Can only imagine what she thought.  He finally left so we could proceed home.  BTW, you never want to approach a bear as you don't know which direction their cub might be...to get between a mom and cub could be fatal, so always backtrack if you get in this situation, it's your safest bet.

[Gwenivere]

I’m sure the doc was sanitizing.  It’s part of daily life now, especially medically.  I always do after touching things in stores or getting my change.  I still have this thing about offending people so I wait till I get to my car to use mine.  Makes more sense anyway.  I usually have to put something in another bag they scanned.  

Bears?  I definitely would not proceed or try being bigger.  Fortunately there haven’t been any in my part of the city. In other areas there have.  Rats, raccoons and possums here.  

Think we have some squatters in the neighborhood.  Gonna try and find out as they have a radio on a timer or they are deaf that plays up until I go to bed at 4 and one neighbor told me he hears it later getting up for work.  The house is supposed to be vacant ,but windows are open here and there and a non cared for car in the carport. I don’t know what you do except call the police.  Probably not high up there in this defunding mess we are in.  I can’t believe they want to cut 100 officers.  The impact will be horrible.  They want t use the money  for other social services.  I’m partial to safety myself.  

I did too much yesterday, so off to see what I can tolerate today.  The witching hour is coming I have to get out of here. I need a couple gallons of gas.  Desperate need of things to do.  Yesterday my Gmail locked me out and it took an hour to reset a password it liked.  That I can live without.  Woke up this morning unable to stop my eyes from rolling to focus and stop jerking around.  I just want to be bored like others around me.  Not that and whacky stuff.  I want to be a nice person but I’ve become so withdrawn.  I try and connect with strangers like my former social self but my heart is not in it much.  

Like we all do I miss me.  What do you do about losing that friend?  (Rhetorical)

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Like we all do I miss me.

Well, I hate birthdays.  Guess it is necessary to have them if you keep on living.  I'm not going to get all slobbery.  I know God left me here because there is something I need to correct (more than one thing, actually).  I have not always been a good person.  I'm still not.  I have the devil on one shoulder and damned if he does not sit on the other one too.  I'm not looking to have stars in my crown, I just want to get there.  I wonder if I can get there from here.  I have learned not to get myself so shook up I need a Xanax.  And, I try to stay out of trouble.  I'm doing okay that way.  But, 2020 has not been a good year for any of us.  I guess I better quit while I'm ahead.  

[Gwenivere]

I wish I felt ahead of something, Marg.   I’m just walking against a strong wind on sand.  Don’t even know if I’ve gotten anywhere from all the strides I’ve made.  I think you have from your updates.  At least you are helping your family.  I’m just taking up space.  That’s all I feel.

[Margm]

I like the fact that you are not afraid to face the world.  Some of my friends have not gotten out of their house since March.  They order the food and it is delivered.  I was surprised that so many did that.  I have fear, but when we need something I take measures as safe as I can.  But when I get there we all have to be the robot zombies.  No one looks around (unless you get too close), then there are the ones I like, who shop with family and act human, but wear masks too.  Sometimes fear breeds fear and I have to talk to myself.  My sister bought me a little gardenia Bonsai tree for my birthday.  I've never seen one but I kill everything that grows.  I've got to try to keep from killing it.  I put it in the middle of the dining table.  I can get sunlight from the patio.  I am famous for killing plants.  She gave me a plant when we moved into the house in Arkansas.  I kept it alive for 10 years and it was too big for us to move.  The woman that bought the house use to have a plant nursery, so I guess I left it in good hands.  

[Gin]

Happy Birthday Marg.  Gin

[widow'15]

18 minutes ago, Marg M said:

My sister bought me a little gardenia Bonsai tree for my birthday.  I've never seen one but I kill everything that grows. 

Marg:  Growing up in New Orleans my Mother planted a Gardenia Shrub/bush at the entrance to our home.  I have wonderful memories of the amazing fragrance as I'd walk past to the front door.   Enjoy your Birthday and have many, many more.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I hope you found some solace in your birthday, Marg.  I feel for your tree.  It’s the same, plants cry when they see me.  I’ve had to explain to some they are gifts and not going to live with me and they are so relieved.  I had one of those trees once.  Never did figure out how I was supposed to trim it or 'train it' as that is what it’s called.  It did live tho.  Cool Gift.  🌴

[brat#2]

Happy Birthday Marg, hope it was a decent one.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Bears?  I definitely would not proceed or try being bigger.  Fortunately there haven’t been any in my part of the city. In other areas there have.  Rats, raccoons and possums here.  

It's what you learn to live with here in the country mountains.  I love it though.  Not as scared of bears as cougars.  Bears don't want to tangle with people, usually will only if they feel backed into a corner or have their cubs nearby, but cougars consider anyone/anything as prey and know no fear.  They are something to be reckoned with and I'd avoid them at all costs.  I would have been willing to take on one if necessary to defend Arlie though, I would for Kodie too.  I'd likely come out on the losing end, but you know mamas and their babies!

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m partial to safety myself.  

No kidding.  I just think our world has gone nuts.  I do not get defunding the police.  Okay so there's a few bad seed among the 18,000 in the US but that's true of any vocation, any walk of life.  Time to appreciate the good that most of them do!  I'm sorry Seattle has been the center of so much melee as of late.  I hope someone does something about the squatters, they can ruin a house in short order.  Can you look at the department of assessment of taxation to see who the owner on record is and contact them?  If they live elsewhere, they may not be aware and they'd stand the best chance of getting rid of them perhaps.

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm not looking to have stars in my crown, I just want to get there.

Me too, Marg.  I've heard it said that whatever we get we will want to lay at Jesus' feet...I imagine that to be true!  I don't think about the "reward," but being reunited with those I love and being in a better place, new body, all that appeals to me...it's hard to imagine, this having been the only thing I've known.

 

[Margm]

FB provides a "memory" section.  I really cannot repost any of my memories from August 31st.  It was that day my world ended.  I had September and till October 17th to finish living.  I tried to go back to my first post and I don't think I want to read it........but I do too.  Probably not, I wrote three days after Billy left me.  You know the guilt I went through.  I refused to hold him, slapped at his hands reaching for me.  We had so many miracles and we were going to have another one.  I missed the chance to hold him for the last time.  I know he forgave me.  I really will never forgive myself, but I just was not going to let him go.  He had to mind me.  He didn't.  It has been five years October 17th and I have started grieving, more so than usual, on August 31st.  That was when we found out the aneurysm was going to be operated on.  Instead, the colon or liver cancer took him very fast.  I was not letting him go and would not talk about it.  He said "don't you think I see the worry in your eyes."  Of course he did, and of course I was going to take those 50 morphine and leave with him.  Writing to this column and my doubts about following him directly kept me from it.  Not worry about  any of my other family.  Five years.  Lost two long ago teenage boyfriends in August.  Visited one grave.  He had Alzheimer's.  His tiny little wife had birthed five children till she got him a boy and her little body gave out in 2014, heart attack at a red light.  I'm glad they are together.  I hope I do not outlive my kids, but I've still got planning to do to fix it where they won't have any worry beside grief.  I've lived since Billy has left.  No, I've existed since he left.  I love my kids and grandchildren but it is true sometimes: "Life's a Bitch and Then You Die".  I can categorize grief and in between there is life.  Just breathe and move life.  

[Gwenivere]

I have a coffee mug with that saying.  I found it quite amusing when I bought it in my 20’s.  It became the truth in my late 50’s.   

Its only been the last decade that has sucked for me.  Yes, we had our ups and downs, but when cancer entered the picture everything changed instantly.  Even the few years he was able to mostly function.  You can’t live with a death sentence and not have it have an effect.  The first 3 years I was able to tune it out mostly.  Then when things started getting complicated for the last two, well, I handled I but I don’t really remember how but you do what you have to.  I just know I was on alert 24/7.  Can’t imagine living that way now.  I think my mind blocks it unless I deliberately search for the memories.   Unfortunately, I am going thru them again for having lost Ally and doing that adjustment thing of doing so much in an emptiness again.

i so need him physically now as he needed me.  That’s a tough one.  All kinds of treatments I can’t find motivation for to exist.  Not live, as you said,  Marg.   I’m just taking up room and contributing nothing to anything now.  Not at home and I can’t volunteer which kept me going when he left.  Even having Ally gave me more of a job at home.  Gone now.  

At least I don’t have to worry about outliving anyone.  It doesn’t make me feel any better tho.  Guess because I wish it did matter.

[Margm]

Gwen, I saw my dad and Billy's dad linger on in terrible pain.  Billy's dad would take the pain med.  My dad knew his outcome and still he did not want to get addicted to the med.  We spent four years of my dad's pain, advancement of the cancer, radiation, treatments, surgery, and Billy's dad's cancer had been a skin cancer that they cut half his face away.  He rode the mowers on interstate for the highway department, always in the sun.  Billy had about three bad nights and he was gone.  His ego made him go faster, I think.  I only gave him one bed bath and he hated that even though he had cleaned wounds for me, emptied bags draining terrible stuff from infections and treated me with so much love and care.  I knew he did not mind taking care of me.. I wanted to take care of him too, but he was so old fashioned, I think he just willed himself to leave fast.  He was only under the morphine about three days and he was gone.  My dad suffered so hard and was such an ego trip himself, he ran my uncle off who had come to help my mom.  He would let Billy and Scott help him but no one else but Mama.  I've been through, this is my 5th autumn coming up without him.  I don't know why it is so bad.  Maybe because my two close friends that we talked all the time, they both passed away within weeks of each other and I'm missing them and two more friends who passed.

I am kind of like the old man in his 90's that needed heart bypass.  No surgeon in the city would touch him.  Well, the woman cardiovascular one at our teaching hospital, she said she would do it.  She did.  He lived and went to his college reunion.  He came back and bawled her out for saving him.  He was the only one left in his college class.

We live, we eventually are not going to live.

Word salad again.  Billy always asked for French Dressing for his regular salads.  Well, in case you have not noticed, we have a twang to our language.  They brought him Ranch every time.  (Franch and Ranch)  Sounds alike.  

[Gwenivere]

I’ve never understood the fear of addiction at the end of life.  I wish I could take enough pain pills now to function by it would lead to addiction.   Steve accepted that in his last years.  It wasn’t like he would ever need rehab.  

I think I can understand how Billy was.  I tended to Steve in so many ways that required total loss of modesty.  I don’t think I’d want him to see me that way.  I don’t like seeing how I’ve changed and glad he can’t.  He’d do it, I just hate how I’ve changed from what he knew.  

Im sure you’re friends passing has a lot to do with how hard this is.  I lost all my close friends after he died.  It was ironic.  If there was ever a time I needed them, it was then.  Now there is no one.  My 'class reunion' would be just me too.

i never cared for autumn and really don’t now.  October will be 6 years he will be gone.  The world will start getting ready for the holidays around the pandemic stressing family and friends.  When you don’t have either it’s quite a long haul for months.  Both our birthdays and anniversary are in there as well.  It will be my first holiday season without Ally too.  

Ive gotten dependent on TV and the pandemic has stopped shows from returning.  Gonna bean extra long winter this time around.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

"Life's a Bitch and Then You Die".

I used to say, "Life Sucks and Then You Die."  Jokingly of course.  But there's some truth to that too as we all know here.  Good years and bad years.  We all know which stage of life we're in now.  I look for good but sometimes it does take a bit of searching! 

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

FB provides a "memory" section. 

It's why a lot of grievers take a good long break from FB.  I think there's a setting where you can turn off the memories...if not, there should be!  But I'm pretty sure there is.  

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

when cancer entered the picture everything changed instantly.

That's how I felt with Arlie too, I can't imagine going through that with a husband...my dog was extremely hard enough.

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

At least I don’t have to worry about outliving anyone.  It doesn’t make me feel any better tho.

I don't feel most of us were made to be alone, I never wanted to be single.  But here I am, been alone for 15 years, I've had no choice but to accept it.  It does make you wonder sometimes how other people manage to still have their spouse after all these years while we're "blessed" with singleness, ugh.  The married in our society cannot possibly understand what it's like to NEVER have anyone to share in life with!  What a difference it'd make, even getting groceries was an "experience" with George!  Nothing done alone feels the same.

I'm sorry Autumn represents that to you.  June is pretty much that way for me...his death on Father's Day, his birthday just five days beforehand.  My parent's anniversary and my dad's birthday.  My now-departed (although not to death) son-in-law's birthday, all of it feels grievous.

Autumn is my birthday, the leaves changing color (Just for me!  At least that's why I thought as a little girl!), George and my anniversary, perfect (for me) weather.  But it always has winter-is-coming hanging over my head, something I probably wouldn't dread so much if not living in the mountains.  But there's trade-offs, these mountains are incredibly beautiful!  I guess you have to accept the hard with the good.

[Margm]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Autumn is my birthday, the leaves changing color (Just for me!  At least that's why I thought as a little girl!),

This was Billy's picture taking time.  He loved photography.  We lived in "downtown" Mount Ida.  Actually, our house was one house out of the city limits, but the city limits could not be very lengthy with just over 1000 people.  I found a picture that was taken from the bridge over a split off of the Ouachita River.  Billy did not take it, but we have plenty that he did in my other computer.  I saw the picture somewhere and knew exactly where it was.  I've got to admit, where I live does not share this beauty, but it is where our home was, the piney hills of N. Louisiana on the Arkansas line.  

[widow'15]

Marg:  What an amazing photo. Thank you for sharing.  Dee

[kayc]

Wow, beautiful!  Is it Vermont?  I always wanted to visit there.  If George was alive, we'd have a motor home and drive across the US, we'd love that, and just being together to see places.  Alas it's not the same alone.  I haven't even camped since he died.  It's just not fun taking drives by myself, some things are meant to be shared. 

[Margm]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Wow, beautiful!  Is it Vermont? 

Arkansas is known for their beautiful autumn leaves.  I have so many of Billy's pictures that are gorgeous and they are in another computer.  Gotta get one of my girls to put them on a thumb drive, or whatever you call those things.  It only added to our walks.  We had dirt roads all over the area we lived in.  There was a road #100 that edged Oklahoma and saw a wildcat cross the road. (Which was not that unusual since the crows chased one across the outside carport where we lived.

This is not our picture.  It is the man's name listed.  I saw it and kept looking at it.  I copied it because I recognized the place, only about three blocks up from our house on the main highway.  That was not the Ouachita River but one of the creeks that ran into the river.  Town was on the edge of the river and so was the school..  It was the most beautiful country, but somehow it loses its beauty without the one you first enjoyed it with.  I do go to pretty places that Billy never saw and strangely do not feel guilty, but the places we loved, I cannot go back to.  Life is strange that way sometimes.

 

[Margm]

This is not my plant below.  My sister bought me a very expensive gardenia bonsai for my birthday.  I have asked if we have any plant whisperers in my area.  First, I watched it careful, watered it each day, yellow leaves were everywhere.  So, besides talking to the plant, spraying its leaves with fine mist, not watering it so much, reading directions again and again.  I promise you, if it hadn't been for Billy, our kids might not have made it.  He was the best mama and dad a kid could have.  My sister thought I could be trusted with a plant.  I can't.  It said the roots needed water ever so often and to leave it in the pan only about five minutes.  (I forgot it and left it overnight).  I now have more leaves fallen off than I have on the plant.  Why would someone spend $70 for me a plant?  I killed an air plant that took no care.  The picture is of Lantanas on Kelli's patio.  She is like my mom and can grow anything.  

[Margm]

Kevin, they said we would be having some cooler weather pushing down from Canada.  Kay, are you around any of the fires I was reading about in Oregon.  

[widow'15]

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

Kay, are you around any of the fires I was reading about in Oregon.  

Marg:  Been wondering that myself.  Oregon is suffering lots of fires.  My daughter lives in Roseburg, OR, and has forwarded pictures of some heavy smoke in her neighborhood.....can't be outside it is so bad.  Hope Kay is safe.  Dee